Making a Tulpa for science.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

So I've found out that Doc does have a heart after all. I honestly thought he didn't, but to be fair I had yet to find any memory of him crying. Kinda hard to believe in someone's capacity for kindness when you literally live inside their head and have access to their memories but they still manage to not bare weakness to you.

 

But yesterday he did cry. Apparently, he's very empathetic to the voice of someone hurt, when they've been hurt so much but they keep the barest ember of hope alive. Then they lose what little hope they had and fall into despair. A good example of this is Anri from Dark Souls 3.

 

As I've found out, he revels in sorrow because it's the only emotion he can feel fully.

 

[video=youtube]

We were listening to song when Meti said she was sensing an unfamiliar emotion from me, though sensing emotion from me in general is unusual. She was incapable of fully explaining what it was like, but the closest we got after going through many possible word and phrase definitions and similarities was "A sort of longing, sadness, and strong sense of belonging."

 

Probably not the emotions that song was meant to induce. We've found that many songs meant to induce a sense of horror or unease invoke similar emotions. Meti is disturbed by this, as she is with many things involving me.

 

The nature of how Meti views me is odd. One would think that since for a long while I was her only source of information on everything, including what people are supposed to act like, I would be a central part of what she defines as normal. But no, I'm the weirdest and most terrifying person she's ever even heard of.

 

In that same vein, I've noticed that aside from her love of bitter food and nymphomania, Meti is very "Normal". She acts very similar to how one would expect an average citizen to. It's very hard to explain, but a lot about her just screams "This is a normal and well adjusted person" to me. In case it's not obvious, that's not like me at all.

 

One thing I have noticed is that she has a tendency for prejudice, often assuming who and what people are like on simple first impressions. This, coupled with her burning hatred for religion (Which actually does have a likely source) means that she can be a lot more aggressive than her cheerful demeanor would let on. It's not very noticeable because I'm quite experienced in quelling or at least hiding the aggression of voices in my head.

 

The previously mentioned hatred of religion, as I said, does have a likely source. Meti had no interactions with religion (Though early on I did view Doc as a sort of benevolent Diety because of his control over everything I knew and understood) for a long while. The first time she heard about the very concept was from a friend of mine, who has been the victim of multiple religion based violent hate crimes. That person, understandably, also hated religion.

 

I will NEVER like anything that causes my host's friend to be beaten, stabbed, ostracized by the community they live in, and disowned to live in poverty. That's not even counting how it's just wishful thinking, people hoping that belief and intention will change that the universe doesn't care about you or I.

 

Meti had a lot more in her but I've decided that''s enough for now. I do wish to remain impartial, and while Meti is very opinionated I'd prefer to remain impartial.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Apparently Meti is terrified of the dentist, to the point where not only did she retreat completely back into the wonderland and retracted her connection to all of our senses, but she also had to be comforted by me until it was over. Even with that, she'd sneakily try to close our mouth, turn away, and lean back constantly. After the fact, I'm pretty embarrassed about how I acted.

 

I need to teach Meti English. While me translating what she says from Tulpish to English, some things get lost in translation. Sometimes I have no idea what she's trying to say and it becomes a game of twenty questions to find out what exactly she means. Sometimes this doesn't work and she quits trying in a huff. It's also evident in how there are sometimes straight up mistranslations that go unnoticed by either of us.

 

I am learning English passively, making sure to ask for the definitions of words I don't fully understand, but relying on Doc to translate is starting to become a bad habit.

 

So I possessed again today, but this time with a twist. I'd keep doing what I normally do, which is sit at the computer to watch videos and talk on the IRC, but today I wore ten pounds of sand on each arm. Doc wanted to see if this would affect how long I could do the thing. He was correct. While normally I can possess for far longer the next time I try, while yesterday I could possess for three and a half hours before tiring too much to continue, today it only took an hour and forty seven minutes.

 

Curiously, by the end I was not tired nearly as much as I normally would be. I felt somewhat sleepy, yes, but not the bone-numbing fatigue Meti was feeling. Regardless, it appears that physical exertion can tire Meti without tiring the body. Why and how does this happen?

 

I don't fucking know.

[tulpa001]

Wait. Meti is not speaking english? Oh. Actually, that makes more sense than her incredibly fast climb in fluency. Does this mean Meti doesn't understand what I am saying when she reads this?

 

You definitely have an unusual dynamic. Usually tulpas intuitively grab the brain's basic linguistic skills without even realising it.

 

... Wait. How do you swear in tulpish?

 

Voltage. We just assumed it is voltage. A small tulpa has only so many watts to give. My host has always considered her interaction with our body in this way. A percentage of the joules of energy exerted by the muscles must be recieved by the self same muscles as electrical stimulation to polarise them and draw ions across their membranes. Muscles are mostly amplifiers.

 

Keep up the good work!

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Meti doesn't swear in tulpish. While possible, I'm the only one that does that. Tulpish swearing is very harsh, because it generally means that I'm not even caring to come up with insults for that person, along with some level of actual loathing.

In this case, Meti is just Joey.

[video=youtube]

Oh, and Meti can read. Not very fast, but she can read. To be expected, normally when learning a language, learning how to read it is much easier than how to talk in it.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Apparently kneading. palpating, and petting Meti makes for great tactile visualization practice, and makes Meti very happy. So happy that her face goes full Ahegao. I don't think the pleasure she gets from it is entirely SFW.

 

Meti likes to practice visualization and affecting the wonderland while I sleep. No offense intended, but when he's up and talking to me all goddamn day there's rarely enough time to concentrate, so the majority of my practice is done as Doc sleeps. Although, it seems that it's not a good idea to leave me on my own for a long time like that, as during the night I managed to fall into a negative spiral of badness, convincing myself that I was hurting Doc, and it would be better if I'd never existed.

 

Fortunately, I didn't do the dumb thing and keep it to myself. I talked to Doc about it when he woke up and he was able to banish most of my fears and paranoia. Most, not all, but Doc reassured me that they will fade in time as long as I don't feed them and I come to him with concerns.

 

Let's talk about something more funny. I recently realized that because of the bird legs, Meti's butt looks like two big drumsticks put together. Because of this, I have started calling her "Drumsticks". I do not appreciate this.

 

I wish for you all to know my suffering.

So.

I'm going to post the song that plays all day every day through Doc's head. It is the default of his music playing thingy.

[video=youtube]

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Hey I'm Meti.

I'm also Meti.

Meeeeeetiiiiiiiiiii.

 

Ah, the first topic detailed on the notes is Blending. Yes, that.

 

We often see things about people who blend and what they do, but there are two common things we see. One is confusion, the other less common one is pain. See, we blend a lot, generally when I'm particularly emotional or when we CANNOT be of two minds about something, we tend to blend, though it's structured and we each have our part like some weird ass Megazord. I provide emotional drive and the motivation to change while Doc provides the knowledge, experience, and sheer, indomitable, monolithic willpower/strength. However, afterwards it's never confusing, we simply separate quickly and painlessly.

 

Oh, and we decided on a name for our wonderland. Dedlin. It's both a pun on "Dead Land", which well describes this place, and diddling, which depending on the context can mean female masturbation and to pass time aimlessly and unproductively, which pretty well describes all I do in here.

 

My turn. I noticed something exiting yesterday, which was when I was asking on confirmation for something Meti used the method of jaw possession. This startled me because I was getting used to her just using her mindvoice. This shows definitive development on Meti's part, she's getting more powerful.

 

Speaking of which. . .

 

Meti doesn't want to have power. She very specifically doesn't want to be anywhere near equal to me in power. She doesn't want to believe that there's anything stronger than I. She hates religion for the same reason, she hates the concept of people believing in a power higher than I. Becoming equal to me in power would shatter this belief.

 

I know it's silly, but I really look up to Doc. I refuse to believe that there's anything stronger than my dad. He is my stone, my stabilizer. I need him to be more stronger than I am, or who will I look to for support?

[Doctorfoxwolf]

I think we may have figured out one of the larger hindrances in Meti's ability to visualize and change the wonderland, and honestly it's so obvious I should have figured it out earlier.

 

The wonderland isn't just aggressive towards the people within it, but the constructs too.

 

There is a comb sitting in front of us. Just now, I replicated it in the wonderland down to every last detail, and it was fairly. Not nearly as easy as Doc could have done it, but as I watch it I can see it decay. It loses details first, becoming fuzzy. After that, it slowly just turns into an oblong smudgy blur with no defining features other than color. Throughout this, I've been seeing what seem to be threads unravel from it and fade. In it's cloud form, it just seems to thin before it returns to nothing.

 

Of course, this can be slowed down by refocusing on it, on what it is and should be. About ten seconds of concentration on Doc's part can keep an object relatively stable for about three days, whereas I have to concentrate pretty much constantly in order to keep something from immediately decaying.

 

Is sleeping at separate times weird? We've done it since the beginning, and lately I haven't needed sleep at all. At least, that's as far as I know, i could be wrong since I do nap all the time. I am forced to sleep if I ever exhaust myself with possession or something.

 

I decided to let Meti play a game, and she chose Skyrim, having apparently seen it in abundance in my memories. I'd like to list a few decisions she made that I think can reflect some of her personality a bit.

-She chose an Orc as a race.

-She immediately went for two handed weapons. Shield are for pussies.

-That first night after becoming a werewolf where the player can kill Whiterun guards without consequence, she stayed put where she was and just let the time run out.

-She has pinpoint accuracy with a bow, always hitting between the eyes on targets running towards her. However, her aim takes a steep downturn when the target is moving left or right, even in a predictable path or pattern. This is opposite my skill with the bow.

 

Class has restarted today, and Meti was fucking stoked. Not much else to say.

 

I think I may have a hypothesis as to why Meti seems so emotionally dependent on me, even more so than most tulpas. As she has said before, Meti was alone for a good while in the beginning of her existence. When I appeared, apparently as a voice from above with the whole loud reverb most deities have got going on, she latched onto me and refuses to let go. Not only was I her only escape from the monotonous madness of the wonderland, gave her whatever she wanted, but I had created her out of nothing but willpower in the first place? She was convinced. She now thought of me as this high being that she neither could nor should approach the level of.

 

We're still arguing about it. I never thought I'd have to convince someone why I shouldn't be full on worshiped. We're currently at a stalemate, and I don't think either of us will ever budge.

 

Let's not talk further on that. In other news, CT has recently changed form. I know I never really described what he looked like before, but it's not important now. A few days ago, he changed to look like a revenant. Old fairytales are horrible with consistency on what each kind of undead does, back then the terms were pretty much all interchangeable. However, there were some consistencies we found, which were that revenants were generally those who were wronged in death and have unfinished business, generally dealing with one person in particular: the one who wronged them. They pretty much ignore everyone else and instead focus on that one person.

 

Sound familiar to you? Because I think that description fits CT to a T. I think he knew, and chose that form for a reason.

 

As for what it looks like, think starvation. The gut is distended in diseased flesh, while his amrs and legs are barelt skin on bones. His head is the worst though, the skull is distorted and many teeth are missing, his lips are dried and pulled back to reveal them. He has only a few orange hairs on his head, one of his eyes is missing. He has no tongue.

 

And all over it's rotten. There are parts where bone shows through, and I've seen flesh slough off before my very eyes.

 

I'm very sure that I'm describing this accurately even though he isn't here in front of me because it's fucking burned into my memory and I will never be rid of it.

[tulpa001]

Dreams are important to learning and growth. Not sleeping is something I do not believe I can do. This could get theoretically complicated. My current theory is that tulpas that do not need to dream exist in a sort of perpetual dream state.

 

I am very jealous. We've been trying to get separate sleep schedules for a long time, ones that involve dreaming separately, to experiment with controlling the body while the other is out. However, if I lived in a perpetual dream state, this would also provide an obstacle to testing full day movement of the body.

 

Doc... are you trying to scare Meti off worship?

 

Hey, Meti, do you like me?

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Doc... are you trying to scare Meti off worship?

 

Hey, Meti, do you like me?

 

Scare? No. I want to convince her otherwise. Scaring her off of it can only cause problems. Is this question in relation to what CT looks like? I don't have control over what he looks like, only he does.

 

Yes, why wouldn't I?

[tulpa001]

I apologise. ... I confused Doc for CT. *facehoof* This makes far more sense now.

 

Just wondering. Some humour makes it hard to tell how others feel.