Making a Tulpa for science.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

I kept hearing the term "Ego-Death" over these last few days, but I didn't know what it was. So I looked it ups.

My first reaction?

"Oh, I already did that a few years ago lol."

 

So you don't have to worry about that happening to me, I already did it. You can't kill what's already dead.

I am a chaotic jumble of thoughts that cannot make up it's damn mind about anything, jumps from one thing to another, does not "Identify as" anything or anyone, there is no core central "Me", I have no fear of death or pain, among other things.

 

No Comment.

[Fairweather]

I got nothing really to say other than I hope you can get yourself together sometime.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Y'know, there's one fucking huge oversight I made with the hypnagogic hallucinations things.

I am completely paralyzed when it happens, and sometimes I half wake up, forced to stare at the same place in my darkened room as I hallucinate horrible things.

Thing is, Meti isn't affected by this paralysis. She's been helping me get moving, because she can move just as freely as normal when I'm completely incapable of moving.

It's happened three times in the last few days.

I can normally avoid it by taking excessive amounts of sleeping pills since I'm resistant to them for whatever reason, but sometimes I forget. Or just want to nap in the middle of the day.

 

So in less depressing news (Doc?! With happy news?! STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES!) when I was playing Pokemon mystery dungeon, I had the sudden thought of seeing if Meti would have fun playing it, so I let her take the reigns on that. She had a lot of fun, and I noticed a very different strategy for going through dungeons. The moment she found the stairs, she would go to the next level no matter what, whereas I always loot the whole floor before progressing. This came back to bite her in the ass when she got to Moltres at level Fifteen, half of what she should have been. She has not been able to defeat Moltres yet and is still pissed about it.

[tulpa001]

Wow, strong tulpa. Yeah, I noticed I can push the body to move at any time, and we exploited that early on to help with doubts and possession.

 

My host never gets nightmares. I'm beginning to learn why. She doesn't consider anything scary. Maybe Meti can teach you to control the hallucinations. It is very possible.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Wow, strong tulpa. Yeah, I noticed I can push the body to move at any time, and we exploited that early on to help with doubts and possession.

 

My host never gets nightmares. I'm beginning to learn why. She doesn't consider anything scary. Maybe Meti can teach you to control the hallucinations. It is very possible.

 

All of my hallucinations and fears are at some point down the line go through CT before they meet me. I had my doubts about it before, but there were two confirming factors:

1) Meti tells me whenever it happens, CT shows up and is preforming fuckery.

2) One time, long before all this tulpa business, I brought a cat with me and cuddled her as I slipped into the HH. She brought a sense of companionship that made me less terrified of the hallucinations, and at one point I remember mentally exclaiming that. Immediately after I thought that, the hallucinations shifted to be my bed, what my point of view would have been had I opened my eyes. But there was one difference, the cat was gone, and I could not feel her since another side effect that I didn't mention (there are a lot of those) is that it causes full body pins and needles. That told me that whatever was behind this bullshit was purposefully trying to get to me, engineering it's attacks to affect me the most.

 

I normally don't get nightmares either. Hell, there were some dreams I had that I considered normal but terrified Meti to the point of thrashing us awake.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

[video=youtube]

I decided to listen to this song just now, and I was not ready for the nostalgia that hit me.

Neither was I. That was the strongest feeling I've ever gotten from him by far.

 

I've been working on trying to get more control over the Wonderland like Tulpa001 suggested, and have been making some level of progress. Jesus fuck he keeps listening to more old RS songs and the nostalgia is overpowering. There's a thing in there that has been there as long as I have at least, but neither of us really knew was there. To the side of the graveyard, through the forest a bit, there's a circular clearing with a cylindrical stone in the center. It's about the size of a table, flat face up, with rounded edges, and made of an odd porous white stone.

 

Neither of us knows why it's there, but I nap on it sometimes. The grounds is uneven and has a lot of pointy bits, the stone is at least smooth.

 

She's hinting that I should make a bed. Which I will. There is now a bed.

 

The reason why I'm having Meti write these lately is for practice. And because he's lazy.

 

It's odd how rigid the rules are in this place when anywhere else, it'd be nebulous and uncertain.

 

I have a hard time coming up with words and sentences myself, so I often just kinda send the idea to Doc and he codifies it. See? I'd never use a word as nerdy as codify without pushing. Will that fade with time?

 

Before, we were just acting passive towards CT about what he did, and he seemed confused as to why we wouldn't retaliate. But yesterday, Doc directly said that he wasn't going to retaliate, and would "Love and tolerate the shit out of you (CT)" to use his exact words. CT was shocked to say the least, he vanished soon after and hasn't come back yet.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

We always have something to say because if updated with all relevant information, then they would be incredibly long. Also we forget it as we go through.

 

One thing I've wanted to say but I keep forgetting: Neither of us really have boundaries when it comes to sharing information. If there's a question you want to ask for whatever reason but think it's too awkward or personal, do it anyways cuz we'll answer. Unless we find the answer to it possibly dangerous to your mental health and stability, in which case we will not.

 

 

I found out what exactly it was that Meti was working on over the last few days. It's her body. One thing I've done since the very beginning was imagining a hug, and recently I noticed that the hugs were much squishier, floofier, and just much more detailed in general. She is very proud of herself at her accomplishment.

 

I forgot to mention last time something odd. When Meti started getting more active and exercising her mental muscles, I felt a faint tickly buzz in the back of my head. Which is odd, since that's the Occipital Lobe, where vision is processed. Though it's also where dreams originate, so it does make some sense.

 

Speaking of which, y'all should read this book. It's great.

It's pretty dope.

[Ponytail]

Before, we were just acting passive towards CT about what he did, and he seemed confused as to why we wouldn't retaliate. But yesterday, Doc directly said that he wasn't going to retaliate, and would "Love and tolerate the shit out of you (CT)" to use his exact words. CT was shocked to say the least, he vanished soon after and hasn't come back yet.

 

The power of ponies never ceases to amaze. This is really cool though, to see you "overcoming" CT and all that jazz.

 

Also, Meti, does Doc translating everything mean you speak to him in primarily tulpish? If that is the case you will probably only start using your own words when you fully understand how to speak English. Not sure what else you could mean by fade.

 

Edit: I just got ninja'd by a full update..

[Doctorfoxwolf]

 

The power of ponies never ceases to amaze. This is really cool though, to see you "overcoming" CT and all that jazz.

 

Also, Meti, does Doc translating everything mean you speak to him in primarily tulpish? If that is the case you will probably only start using your own words when you fully understand how to speak English. Not sure what else you could mean by fade.

 

Edit: I just got ninja'd by a full update..

 

I do primarily use tupish, yes, but I can speak english. Using words takes more effort. To make a point Doc isn't translating any of this.

I can read too, but it's slower than him. He's just too fast. (1200 WPM)

You'll probably notice significant syntax changes if it's something Meti was dictating the writing of, since part will be me translating it.

 

And I wouldn't call it the power of ponies. When I was young, I saw Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, and this scene really stuck with me.

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRZ5JalHjhs

[tulpa001]

See? I'd never use a word as nerdy as codify without pushing. Will that fade with time?

Yep. I think. Judging from my own experience, though, months will need to pass until you noticeably depend less on his cognition for your fluency.

 

"Love and tolerate the shit out of you (CT)"

Approve.

 

I forgot to mention last time something odd. When Meti started getting more active and exercising her mental muscles, I felt a faint tickly buzz in the back of my head.

Lots of people report stuff like this. It is like a really specific head pressure, I think. One observation I made is that the mental map we have of our brain does not correspond well with the physical layout of the brain. So if you feel something on the left side, that does not mean where it is happening is on the left side.