Making a Tulpa for science.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Aw fuck yeah runescape. Haven't played that in ages.

 

It doesn't take me long to make the updates, maybe 10-15 minutes maximum for the longer multi-paragraph updates. They're so long, but they'd exponentially longer if I wasn't so forgetful.

 

I have time to do all this because I'm always doing it. I'm always talking to Meti, and she's made it a habit to remind me of her presence at all opportunities. Just as I've made it a habit to get her input on whatever it is I'm doing. I only actively meditate (hah juxtaposition) every other day or so for half an hour to an hour.

[tulpa001]

Note, I'm not talking about removing the potential for hate and anger. If you address the root cause of these negative emotions, they will be satisfied and cool down.

 

Anger is not the only motivating emotion out there. But it is fire. It is more dangerous than the others. It needs to be guided and directed properly.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Note, I'm not talking about removing the potential for hate and anger. If you address the root cause of these negative emotions, they will be satisfied and cool down.

 

Anger is not the only motivating emotion out there. But it is fire. It is more dangerous than the others. It needs to be guided and directed properly.

 

For the first part:

Been there, done that, didn't do shit.

 

For the second part:

CT is not new. He only didn't have a name until recently, but he's been there a long time.

In fact, he used to be a lot stronger. It was kinda like how shortly after the big bang, there were almost equal amounts of matter and antimatter. However, there was such a tiny amount more of matter than antimatter that it eventually "Won" the powerstruggle.

Y'know what I mean?

 

Quick question:

A lot of this would make more sense if I were to write down how I grew up, backstory, childhood extra DLC, whatever you want to call it. It would provide context, and I really have no boundaries when it comes to sharing information. However, I know some may not want to see it, so I'm asking. Should I?

[Lucilyn]

if someone doesn't want to read something they can just not read it

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Alrighty then.

 

I was born on July 20th, 2000 in a Jacuzzi.

 

I have three siblings, their names are Emily, Timothy, and Hannah. They are 26, 23, and 21 respectively. You may have noticed the age gap, and that's because there was a stillborn between me and Hannah. The fact that I had to text my mother and ask her how old my siblings were probably says something about my relationship with them.

 

When I was two years old, we had to move out of our house for financial reasons. That is my earliest memory.

 

When I was three years old, I asked my mother this question, word for word:

 

"Why are people born, if we're only going to die?"

 

She didn't have an answer, but from it she learned that her fourth child is fucking weird.

 

I was violent. Whenever there was a babysitter or I went to church (as I was forced to until I was eleven), I was straight up violent, and would attack people with a smile on my face. This was even before my anger issues.

 

At some point I almost died at a beach known for washing ashore dead logs. I don't know exactly when, but I can't be bothered to remember all of my near death experiences. They start to lose potency after the seventh one.

 

My siblings generally ignored me, and that never changed. Emily liked to kick me out of rooms that she wanted to be in, I remember at one point I had mentally scheduled 6 pm as the time I had to get out of the living room.

 

I remember around the age of four, I started getting extremely angry at my own mind. I'd be trying to do or think something, and it would simply refuse and impose something I didn't want, such as something I'd said repeated over and over for minutes on end or something I was trying to not think of when I was trying to focus, but it seemed to actively fight against me. It was impossible for me to not think of whatever it was. It didn't even have to be something bad, it was just a thought being forceful and repetitive. My anger was from a sort of "Why won't you listen to me?!" with my own imagination. I'm fairly certain that this was CT in his early stages.

 

When school started, there were immediately problems. I was violent and angry to anyone and everyone, and these problems never showed up at home. I would get into violent brawls at least twice a week. During this my mother couldn't pay much attention to it due to my brother running away, doing drugs, and smoking, along with Emily who I remember her yelling that she was going toy kill herself during a loud argument that took place with my mother around three feet behind my as I was coloring.

 

At the same time, while I didn't consciously notice it until after the fact, problems between my parents had grown to be visible as my father started sleeping in another room.

 

My mother is a nice person, however she took advice from the wrong sources. She was told to completely ignore me whenever I got into trouble. Since that was pretty much all the time and I had no friends, you can guess how that turned out. If you can't, it's that I'm emotionally dead inside. Hell, that's part of why I made Meti; so that someone who isn't completely broken could control this body if shit really hits the fan.

 

When I was seven, I fell into a depression that lasted about a year and I came close to suicide multiple times. During this time, the hottest day in decades rolled around and I went into heat stroke. It was at this time that we found out that it takes four times the general anesthetic dosage to put down a seven year old me than it does to put down a mid twenties adult male.

 

When I was around eight years old our house burned down. Since the fire originated from my room and I'd recently gotten in trouble, everyone thought it was me. They still do.

 

Now that I think about it, a police interrogation is a really fucked up thing to do to a seven year old.

 

Because of this, we had to live in a rental home for two years. I can't remember much of anything from that time, which probably isn't a good thing, though it's when I finally became conscious of the problems between my parents as the divorce was finalized.

 

When I started Middle School, it was with the ADHD medication I needed, and the behavioral issues stopped.

 

My mother got a boyfriend, a guy named Dan. I like him, there were never any issues with him, and they're still in a relationship, they just choose to not get married.

 

At the same time, my father got a girlfriend that he did marry named Diane. As we found out over time, she was a sociopath and after getting married would constantly torment my father until the only time he wasn't drunk or high on pot was when I was visiting. They got divorced a year after getting married.

 

Since the house was, y'know, burnt to a crisp, my mother and siblings moved in with Dan and his young daughter when I was about twelve.

 

Things have as far as I can remember been relatively calm these last few years.

 

I'm going to list down all of my near death experiences here, at least the ones that I can remember.

•Almost falling into a river

•That beach incident

•Getting a concussion a few years ago

•Heat stroke

•Some other shit I can't remember.

 

There might be more stuff that I can't remember because my memory of my childhood is really bad, but here's what I got.

EDIT: Oh yeah, there was also that time I crashed a quad.

MORNING AFTER EDIT: We also went to Disneyland at some point, but I can't remember exactly when. It doesn't fit anywhere on the timeline. All I know is that it happened before the age of seven since it was before the divorce.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

With how quickly things seem to be progressing, it'd probably be better for me to update more often so I don't forget it.

 

It's been four days since Meti figured out how to move my limbs, albeit crudely. Two of these days she woke me up hours earlier than my alarm by thrashing around because she has yet to become accustomed to my nearly constant nightmares. I don't mind, in fact I like waking up early as long as it actually fully wakes me up.

 

CT still hates everyone and everything except Meti, though I found out that he hates small children the least. He apparently has a relatively soft spot for innocence, which. . . really doesn't explain why he likes Meti.  He apparently is the reason why I like music like Heavy metal, Black metal, that kind of thing. I always knew that it made me feel more calm, but according to Meti who relays from him, it's because he likes it enough to let up on the pressure for a while.

 

Meti feels extremely uncomfortable that she's so liked by him, and remains fearful.

 

In addition to what I put before, I thought to put some odd stuff about myself here. Whether it's from or a cause of my childhood weirdness is unknown.

• I can't feel hunger. Sometimes I go days without eating on accident.

• I have a near infinite pain tolerance. When in pain, I'm more worried about actual damage it's causing than the pain I feel. Even though the most painful thing I've ever felt in my life by miles was felt while standing up, I didn't fall over or stagger.

• I'm very sensitive to others' emotions, far more than I am to even my own.

• I don't and never have placed much of any value on my own life.

• I often exaggerate my own emotional response to things. If I didn't I'd go from "Guy who doesn't react much to anything" to "Straight up Uquiorra Cifer".

 

Meti has technically had the ability to talk here for a bit, since she can technically can control my fingers if she wants to, but she's fucking shit at others who speak to her pretty shy.

The crossed out part is what she typed, since I wanted to see what she'd put down for her reason why. She cusses a lot, and doesn't seem to have a perfect handle on grammar yet, but it seems pretty clear that she meant she doesn't know how to talk to people.

[tulpa001]

Well, I just read that bio. It does certainly explain a lot. It does also sound like you are managing to deal with stuff way better than your average professional psychologist could. So congratulations, that is rather impressive. I think you might want to check out some of the multiplicity resources. That community might have some advanced advice for how to deal with a dark thoughtform or alter constructively.

 

To Meti: Hello. I look forward to talking to you soon. Don't overwork yourself. It sounds like you were born into a system that pushes really hard. I am of mixed opinion, here. This is really good for habit forming, but can lead to burnout. Alternate between pushing and relaxing on a schedule to prevent burnout.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

I wanted to have Meti make a post, but anything she types that longer than a short sentence comes out as a complete grammatical mess, so I'll put comments from her in italics, as is the usual for many.

Though I was able to get why she tends to overwork herself. It's to avoid "Drowning".

As of right now, she has to fight to not get worn at and swept away in the current of my idle thoughts.

His mind is fucking intense. I'll stop when I have a goddamn anchorpoint to sit on.

Existential crisis' are always a good motivation to do things.

 

I told my mother about CT, Meti, and the whole tulpa thing. She was not even a little bit surprised, and trusted me to know more on the subject so there was no arguing.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

I think I'm going to get into the habit of doing this daily, or I'll forget. I forget things easily.

Hell, I used to have a super bad nail biting problem until I just forgot that it was a thing that I did.

 

While she seems to have a good handle on most bodily movements that she's tried, Meti still just can't get the hang of hinge joints. Even if she did, I certainly wouldn't trust her to move around on her own, since all of her movements are manual, and there are an insane amount of unconscious movements when you walk. That's why fully functional mechanical hands have been developed but not feet.

 

Seriously, walk around for a bit with fully numb feet. I dare you.

 

I think that a large pert of her progress when it comes to bodily movement, differentiating her thoughts from my own, and telling when it's her moving and not me is because as I found out a while ago in the IRC, I'm naturally very mindful in the meditative sense. I always feel like I'm bragging when I write these.

 

That, and I'm in the case where I can just ask "Yo, was that you?" and get a concrete answer.

 

She has at some point gotten a vague grasp of the sense of touch, though it's hard to coax her into trying to get a better sense for it when before she could feel bodily sensations she could still feel my headaches, some of which hurt more than that spinal tap I once got.

 

I just asked and apparently I have a headache right now and didn't even notice. Yay for full body weak blood valves causing inconsistent blood flow that causes a headache every time I get up.

 

And now, for shits and giggles, one of my favorite songs.

[video=youtube]

[Doctorfoxwolf]

You know what?

I'm a dumb.

 

I never really so much as outlined what I was doing for tulpaforcing and the like. Seems a bit important.

Better late than never, I suppose.

 

So one thing I want to get out of the way first, and goes a long way to explain parts of Meti's personality:

[video=youtube]

I listened to this song a lot when starting to form Meti. It's her earliest memory.

 

When it came to the actual act of tulpaforcing, I pretty much brute forced it. I'd just focus on the personality aspects that I'd planned out for an hour or so a day, then in the months I was idle just over the course of the day at random.

 

There's a lot that can't really be put into words, but the best I can explain what I did was to grab onto and pull close a feeling of affection and comfort that later evolved to become the Meti I know today. Another thing to note is that if I didn't think of a personality trait, she just filled it in herself.

 

There is and was never any sort of puppeting or parroting, Meti always finds ways to surprise me.

 

When I got back into tulpa stuff recently, I set an alarm so that every day at 4:00 PM PST I'd lay down for an hour or so to meditate.

 

I often feel kinda bad that I can't help her much with her progress beyond being emotional support, 99% of her advancement has been her fighting tooth and nail for every inch of ground while I kinda just watch from the sidelines and cheer her on.

 

Honestly, not much can be said about my "Technique" when creating her initially, she was pretty much just formed out of my sheeer force of will and determination. That would explain her sheer force of will and determination.

 

Whether it be chance or something we did right, but we seem to have completely avoided the normal pitfalls many tulpas face, such as memory blending (She has better memory than I do), the tulpa not fully existing until the host focuses on them (She likes to remind me of her existence), or her not "Feeling" real (Neither of us really care).