Ringgggg's somewhat-comprehensive foxgirl imposition log

[Autumn Ren]

8 minutes ago, ringgggg said:

If looking into your memories employs visualization, there's no doubt you could imagine a brontosaurus in the distance of your eighth grade graduation ceremony.

 

But there might be a difference between whether you consider that a real memory or not. When we do imposition, the memories are as real as any other, to the point of being confusing.

[ringgggg]

Hey, maybe because it's tied to visualization you experience the impositions as they were intended to be imposed from the start. And if imposition's not fully built up yet, it'd be you intending to see something like you'd intend to flex your arm curling despite not being able to curl that weight. Because your situation is the exact same for me over here

 

If imposition's a layer above visualizing, it'd be like peeling back that layer for the sake of remembering something.

[ringgggg]

Good, now do it again. Good, now do it again. Good, now do it again. Good, now do it again. Good, now do it again. 

 

It turns out box imposition works a lot better for me than conventional open-eye imposition to such a degree that it effectively solves my visualization-to-imposition problem I described in a previous report. I've been frequenting it a lot more as of late, and after a good while I can open my eyes and see a clearly visible line of bluish-purple visual noise on A3's boundaries. This noise only stays for a couple seconds though, which is way too familiar for it not to be expected. Who knows how long it'll last in like a week or two.

 

I'm still trying to shake off the breakdown from two weeks ago. There's been a lot of contemplation going on backstage, mostly about letting imposition into my daily escapades. I guess you could call January to now a dark age for me, because that's what it's been feeling like. It's not all bad, though. I'm still imposing daily, it's just the way I go about it that's the problem.

 

I can't just go off the deep end and start hopelessly imposing without a goal in sight, because I know it won't ever amount to anything substantial if I don't set my expectations. I mistook overshooting for expectations as a sign to stop expecting entirely (which was a less than right decision in hindsight). I know I have to clean up my act if I want to get to where I want to be, so I'll go and do that.

 

Onward

 

Spoiler

Art update: A dude I know sent me these with his premium subscription to a stable diffusion AI thingy online. Shoutout to Galli, these are neat.

 

Edited May 2 by ringgggg

[Autumn Ren]

Wait a minute... 1, 2... hey! Too many arms!

[ringgggg]

AI isn't perfect, I'll take what I can get.

[ringgggg]

I’ve made another crucial change to my mindset. The reason I wasn’t practicing as efficiently as I’d liked was because I refrained from encouraging myself to enjoy it. Instead, I had gotten into the habit of scolding myself repeatedly for not being up to par with my own standards. Unsurprisingly, this did not help me. It served as a deterrent to get me to try less, and I felt tired of my constant patronization of my incapacities so I continuously avoided imposition as a whole unintentionally so I wouldn’t have to listen to my own criticisms

So I picked up this book, “How To Win Friends and Influence People” and it seemed to suggest that positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement. The author even had a quote for it too, something along the lines of “don’t kick the beehive if you want the honey from it”.

Instead of forcing us away from an undesirable behavior, like whenever we scold ourselves, positive reinforcement makes us want the desired outcome. We’re intrinsically striving to do better instead of getting caught up in a game of carrots and sticks. That alone is influential to such an exponential degree; it means that we’re completely in control of our own behavior at any time and we’re fully willing to be. The more we encourage ourselves, the more self-sufficient we become, and all of a sudden we don’t need other people to call the shots for us because we’ve already automated the task in our minds.

 

Bottom line: it's unwise to scold yourself. You’re wasting time, and nobody likes getting scolded anyway. When I go to impose, I make sure to look out for things I like in my technique, I savor that feeling and keep imposing. I’m making myself want to try harder and do longer sessions, all the things I know I want to get out of imposition. Imposition should be something to look forward to, not a way to rag on yourself for "not imposing properly".

 

---

 

It’s almost been a year since I first started, but I know I can’t leave this PR on a low note. I’d be wasting people’s time that way. Fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be Dreams of Moon up in this bitch

I’ve got one great head-friend, one amazing mentor, and ~10k of y'all to thank for giving this project attention. The last thing I’d want to do is let any of you guys down. Thank you for your continuous support, and I look forward to another year of imposing.

 

Spoiler

Too much? ehhh who cares

[ringgggg]

On 8/17/2016 at 10:45 AM, Luminesce said:

As would logically be expected from all of that effort and research, I made zero progress, outside of gaining more understanding of lucid dreaming in general.

This, but replace "lucid dreaming" with "imposition".

[Autumn Ren]

2 hours ago, ringgggg said:

positive reinforcement

 

Even when I was given negative reinforcement, it was really quick, then I was consoled and praised for proper behavior. I don't regret volunteering for it and I appreciate that it did help me get over the worst of it when my mindset was so badly encrusted in poorly conditioned bad behaviors. After maybe a few days though I never needed it again and it was all positive reinforcement. Bear and the others now give me tons of good attention and I'd never dream of acting out. With Ashley she didn't act out as much or as severely as I did if at all so we're just giving her a minor adjustment.

 

2 hours ago, ringgggg said:

How To Win Friends and Influence People

 

We read that last summer it was a short book and it holds up well, there's a lot more lore and build up for that book than ot actually is, everyone should read it. Not everything in it still hits the mark, especially for a head full of socialized introverts, some of the exercises and suggestions are not... well suited for us, but good information.

 

2 hours ago, ringgggg said:

we’re completely in control of our own behavior at any time and we’re fully willing to be

 

That's certainly a good goal but as Bear and I both experienced, that's not reality if you're so badly conditioned that all you have is moments of clarity amid hours of compulsions and reactions. Some were so bad, like building up to a reaction a week ahead of time. You see the train coming but can't do anything to stop it.

 

That took shadow work (therapy, self therapy in our case) to overcome. Targeting the reasons behind the compulsive behavior and overcoming them through repairing, reversing or accepting the past traumatic memories that caused the bad behavior.

 

2 hours ago, ringgggg said:

it's unwise to scold yourself

 

At the peak of his depression Bear was told this:

 

1. Never punish yourself (self love)

2. Never blame yourself (self respect)

3. Never dwell on things you can't fix (self acceptance)

 

There are others like be a little selfish (boundaries and time management) and treat yourself for good behavior (positive reinforcement).

 

2 hours ago, ringgggg said:

The last thing I’d want to do is let any of you guys down

 

Even if you said, "I'm taking a break" no one will blame you or be let down. There is a thing called burn out and taking a break can get you out of a rut and bring you back with a fresh perspective and better enthusiasm. So don't feel obligated, be a little selfish if you need to. This should be fun, it shold be something you look forward to, keep the goal and the end in sight and take time to enjoy whatever you have now and always.

[ringgggg]

19 hours ago, Autumn Ren said:

Even when I was given negative reinforcement, it was really quick, then I was consoled and praised for proper behavior.

Glad you had a good experience with it.

 

19 hours ago, Autumn Ren said:

Not everything in it still hits the mark, especially for a head full of socialized introverts, some of the exercises and suggestions are not... well suited for us, but good information.

It's to each their own, more of a "this information exists, here's what x person can take away from it". It's no secret that books have to cater to a specific demographic, no matter how ambiguous it looks, but knowledge is knowledge

 

19 hours ago, Autumn Ren said:

That's certainly a good goal but as Bear and I both experienced, that's not reality if you're so badly conditioned that all you have is moments of clarity amid hours of compulsions and reactions. Some were so bad, like building up to a reaction a week ahead of time. You see the train coming but can't do anything to stop it.

I see you. Admittedly, it is easy to get tunnel vision given natural circumstances, and when you do eventually open your eyes the train in question's already rolling down the hill. I don't know, there could be some potential for some damage assessment, but would it be enough to make yourself feel satisfied with your efforts? Maybe it doesn't have to, but I wouldn't call it futile

 

I'll reframe it: whatever you do is either heuristic or voluntary, but there's no denying you have the capability to oversee all types of decisions. I mean, the brain obviously has to draw a line for how much attention you're giving, but it's probably okay if it's so much as a nudge in the right direction at times.

 

19 hours ago, Autumn Ren said:

At the peak of his depression Bear was told this:

 

1. Never punish yourself (self love)

2. Never blame yourself (self respect)

3. Never dwell on things you can't fix (self acceptance)

Am I getting leaked the origin story of Bear 2.0???

 

19 hours ago, Autumn Ren said:

Even if you said, "I'm taking a break" no one will blame you or be let down. There is a thing called burn out and taking a break can get you out of a rut and bring you back with a fresh perspective and better enthusiasm. So don't feel obligated, be a little selfish if you need to. This should be fun, it should be something you look forward to, keep the goal and the end in sight and take time to enjoy whatever you have now and always.

Yeah. Too much of everything is stuff you have in your mind as stuff you "should" do, when, to me, you want to do it and are just trying to force yourself to want it more

 

I'll admit, admiration for a thing fluctuates, but I figure if you still classify it as something that's important you're going to naturally feel gravitated towards it/intrinsically obligated to do it or something. Silver lining.

 

I like the concept of asynchronous learning for that reason. Break time's on your own, study is all you, it places emphasis of needing to do things yourself and you can take that as you will. Obviously the kids who don't want to do it will have it reflected in their performances, but the kids that do aren't weighed down by the pace of the curriculum. That's just coming from me, though.

[Autumn Ren]

3 hours ago, ringgggg said:

would it be enough to make yourself feel satisfied with your efforts?

 

For instance there's a friend in Bear's group of friends and she is a friend, buy she's also often reactive and bossy and manipulative and annoying so Bear would try to make the best of it but it built up day over day until the inevitable blow up amd it wasn't good for anyone. He tried to completely ignore her but past things she said and did would still bother him. In the end it was his train, not hers and he had to learn to stop it. Jist slowing it down felt like progress but all that progress was wiped out when it hit. 

 

3 hours ago, ringgggg said:

I mean, the brain obviously has to draw a line for how much attention you're giving,

 

It can and you can't always affect it. That's when conditioning becomes compulsion. You may not understand because you didn't have the conditioning Bear did but he really couldn't control it at all. He had to adress the underlying conditioning before he could control it. It was night and day after that. With unresolved traumatic conditioning, there's zero control, you can fight the symptoms with all you have and it is futile. Address the underlying issue and you simply remove the compulsion, it becomes trivial to control it, the thought doesn't even come up and you look at memories as they were, completely against your will.

 

3 hours ago, ringgggg said:

Am I getting leaked the origin story of Bear 2.0???

 

It was plastered all over this forum 2018-2019. You just missed it.

 

3 hours ago, ringgggg said:

you want to do it and are just trying to force yourself to want it more

 

In creative writing, one author said this, at the end of every session, stop while it's still fun, then you look forward to having more fun and are not forcing yourself to continue.