Volcano the Crochet Demon: Process

[CrochetDemon]

(I apologize for typos I'm so sleep deprived 🥲)

 

Worries:

 

Suddenly I'm sorta scared of being different, losing myself, because I notice that things are different. My head isn't the same it was a week ago when I started this, my reality isn't the same and at the same time I can't put my finger on it all. I can't explain it and feel like nobody has talked about it, that weirdly crazy feeling of filling your mind up with something 24/7 and being in your mind ALOT, I find it so disorienting 😭 and I guess that's the point but I dunno agh but the progress is definitely progressing 🥲

It could be a combination of withdrawal symptoms and the short term memory combined with everything too, although I felt disoriented from the constant visualization and hypnosis from the beginning. Tbh I was counting on the withdrawals though, my method is "madness" after all - 

kicking the ever living crap out of my mind until it's maliable enough to be reshaped has been the secret recipe for attaining everything I've put my brain to 😆 We're gonna have a terrible time and we're gonna enjoy it!  Naturally I'm gonna use it for progress haha 😅😭. Channeling all the bad things to make a good thing is weirdly therapeutic.

 

Something that persists:

 

The memory issue though mannn, feels like my head is full of cotton, there's a wall there, memories slipping out like sand through my fingers and they're just gone just as fast as they're made and I'll zone out.

And everytime I don't finish a thought I feel anxious cause I feel like I'll lose it, I can feel it slowly wanting to slip away, every single thing I think of is something I'm struggling to hold on to. Randomly my mind becomes disoriented, and I immediately think of Volcano because it feels like something filling up my head I dunno how to explain it. 

This problem should've stopped being consistent after I stopped smoking but it's getting stronger, so if it persists without wavering then I can say for certainty that it's the results of this journey combined with hallucinogenics and we need to set some boundaries later😅 but for now I'm letting it persist since it's also it's own useful tool. Makes me weirdly feel closer to him too.

 

Clear Communication?:

 

Other news, he talked, I probably should have lead with this.

It's been a week, I expected 3 to 5 months perhaps with my way of doing things but in general didn't have a deadline or any milestones set up because although it seems like I'm trying to bulldoze my way through with brute force and drugs etc. to communicate with my Tulpa faster I'm really just developing him at my complete leisure in a mildly intense and thorough way I find it difficult to put everything I do in a step by step list Lol cause it's sorta like in order to do this I have to perfect this and while working on this I'm working on that to be able to do this and etc. etc. 

My first main priority has been visualization and vocality has come second. I've always been more prone to auditory hypnagogic hallucinations rather than visual so I guess it checks out that we'd get here first.

During the hypnosis I imagined him and his two cute little red yarn shoes, and then suddenly "Do you want one?" and it was confusing and random and nothing like I thought it would be. It was a thought but it felt like that thought wasn't mine at all, I didn't even actively think or narrate it. The same feeling I feel when I gain a memory back - like this definitely isn't mine and it definitely wasn't my thought. But it was nothing like the hypnagogic state either, I was in a deep trance and my mind was empty for a few seconds while I admired his cute little feet in my minds eye and those words just popped up and truly felt like a definite response.

It's not exactly the result I wanted but I gave them the kudos, we'll have to develop that further.

 

Pure Confusion caught in 4k 😭📸:

 

I know I should probably be more excited I dunno it's a lot of progress but really confusing. The "feelings" the "intuition", feeling like I know it's Volcano, maybe fronting in a way or just taking the memories like I said they could. And I "feel" like I know he definitely responded to me today, and he has been for a while I just wasn't satisfied with the result - which makes me feel really guilty 💀 I always feel so guilty when even a tiny droplet of doubt creeps inside of me but I also feel confused where such belief and faith come from but this time I can barely try denying it - I blame the hypnosis as usual.

When I get the feeling (the sort that I'm feeling now) that a thought process is about to be scrubbed away if I don't finish it fast enough and make it mine I... FFS you have no idea how fast I was trying to type so I could get that thought out 💀 I just want everyone to know I had a real good thought and it existed RIP it's gone with the wind lmao💀

 

Anyways I'm just gonna stop typing now 😭

[CrochetDemon]

There isn't much to take note of that changed, but I haven't written anything in a while and writing about what I've noticed helps. Visualization is going well, I can visualize his button eyes much better too, I don't know why it took me a while to be able to picture X's in my head undistorted Lol but there's that progress. I also practice sketching him and the repetition has helped me immensely.

I have a weird amount of fun talking to him out loud as well, oddly enough it never feels awkward with no answer.

I've been more lax with the meditation and hypnosis lately too, giving my head a break before what I plan to do to it later lol😅

I feel like the development of Volcano is going to change sooooo much in the next few weeks and that's somewhat very inevitable considering the methods I plan on using and very exciting. Either way we'll see, before all that though I've been considering if i'll try working on a Wonderland, the place is gonna be complicated to visualize but I don't mind😅 Either way I'll be taking a break from posting things for a while to focus on this and other matters, but will definitely be back after another one of my •°+.experiments.+°•

 

[WhiteX]

Hey am kinda new and I enjoyed your journey keep going