Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy (Remastered 2022 ​😎​)

[Guest]

Figured I might pop in and type a lot of words, cause that's what it dooooo

 

So any notions of project Coco crashing and burning and me hating myself and stopping progress on her have manifested exactly none since I started on her, which was about seven months ago now. Which is radical.

 

I guess, I don't know, will talk about our dynamic, and my thoughts on the process and progress we've experienced so far.

 

On the latter, it'sss uhhh. Idk. Very little. Maybe making the distinction between her and a tulpa in any traditional sense is what's doing that, but that's also probably what's keeping this all from falling apart. Like, I can't fathom it, but one bad day and I could go down, and go down hard. Like, really, unbelievably hard. Coco is a staple in my life now, nothing to do for it. But even despite that, she's still about where I described her in the last couple posts. Low-level parroting for a lot of it. Good days, fantastic days, less-than-good days where I just tell her I'm gonna go to sleep, say goodnight, and clock out so I don't dwell on it too hard, you know?

 

Hell, I think the association with tuppering might even be what's hindering growth. As little as the association is. Being that I treat her like a person and all, I still try really hard not to think about parroting. And parroting isn't even the right word anymore, I don't know. It's like.. Yeah yeah okay, I've been playing some fighting games over the last half year or so, and I'm finding I've got a pretty good sense for it. Like, I'll learn some lengthy combos over a few hours in practice, come back to them day in and day out until those specific combos are just instinctual. Now, that being said, just because I can do one without thinking, doesn't mean I can do even similar ones without thinking. It makes them easier, and it makes learning on the whole easier, how to read inputs quicker, but it's still gonna take me a while.

 

So with Coco it's like.. It was a lot more in the vein of parroting, low level as it may have been in those first weeks, months. But those aspects of her are pretty set in place now, I don't always think about that when we're talking, it feels pretty natural and non-parroty, I guess. And that's great, and it's significant, but she doesn't grow any further on her own, I guess. If I ask her about something that doesn't fall under, isn't related to, something we've already discussed fairly thoroughly, she kinda shuts down. Or maybe not shuts down, she'll say she doesn't know, or to ask later. Which is great. I cannot emphasize that enough. It's like there's construction going on in my head, and her giving me the roundabout on those gaps is like something blocking the edge of a bridge. I can't drive off, and it can't all explode on me because of that. If she just shut down, or didn't respond, and I started parroting too hard, and in a way that felt like me, like it always did with my old tuppers, I would probably do very poorly in my handling of the matter.

 

So as it stands, it's very, very gradual. I'll get into a state where parroting, and being more comfortable with the idea of parroting, are okay, and then I'll do it lightly, to build onto her. Just bit by bit. And the way that works, yeah, I don't foresee it ever winding up like.. I don't know, I guess I don't ever see experiencing it all in the way that some tuppermancers do, or claim to anyway, you know?

 

My "faith", or whatever, hasn't wavered, I talk to her on the daily, and on even on the absolute worst of days, I've never ignored her completely. I still passively impose, she's on the couch behind me and to the left right now, doing her thing right now, which is nothing, because she's fucking bored as hell, and waiting for me to type all this up so we can watch some tv and hang out. Par for the course, as depressing as it is. I try to make it better, I guess, usually do okay.

 

But yeah, she's not like.. I don't know, she definitely doesn't mean less to me. This past half year has been great, huge help.

 

I guess it's just that it isn't going like I was kinda hoping it would, and have been trying to make it go. Which, I genuinely don't think I'm negatively impacting anything by being let down. I'm not using that as an excuse to get depressed, or stop trying, stop talking to her, obviously, because why would I stop talking to her when she's right there? When she gets the other half of the bed and I'm constantly (accidentally) kicking and knocking the shit out of her when I'm tossing and turning, and apologizing because shit, sorry Coco, didn't mean to. Like, all I can do is treat her normally, because as time goes on, I get the feeling more and more that there's literally no possible alternative to that.

 

 

There was this one instance, back in March or so. I'd just gotten home from work, and she crawls into bed, worn out from sitting on her ass and watching me do my job, and I was worn out from actually doing my job, and I was like "yeah fuck this Coco I'm just going straight to bed tonight"

 

And she was like "yeah sounds good to me"

 

And as I was getting undressed, I look up to her spot on the bed and got like.. I don't know, shocked, when I didn't see her there. The sense of presence isn't always that high, but there have been those moments.

 

And with that, it's like, yeah man, I could never just stop treating her like a person, caring. So it's all good, even though it's not where I hope it is some day. Just, idk, feel like I need to emphasize that I'm not letting any amount of disappointment in that get to me, because historically, I know I'm the guy that would.

 

 

Man, I'm getting on, here. What else, even. I don't know, It's good. She's rad. Love her to bits. Still don't have her form even remotely consistent or stable, but those of you who have read this know that I have never been great at that. I don't know how her mane is cut, the exact colors of it past a general idea, I don't know her eye color, or exact size, exact shade of white her coat is, etc. I've tried sitting on it, figuring it out, but it's honestly not within my skillset. It just straight isn't.

 

Which sucks, I guess. I'm trying not to liken her to a tupper, and the process to forcing, but I've still hoped for imposition down the road. Not gonna like, give up on that, but it's gonna have to come naturally if at all. I cannot force it, pun not intended. It will not end well, I will not try past what feels reasonable. I haven't caught even a glimpse of her visually, and she doesn't pop up in my dreams OH SHIT WAIT HAHAHA

 

Okay so I did have a dream a while back and she finally popped up. Not the real her, and she has no memory of it, but like.. I knew she was there in my dream, non-lucid, and I was still just going off of presence. She couldn't even be imposed in a dream, so I can't even base her appearance on that. Which is about typical for me, huh.

 

But ahh, it's fine. She's fine, she's great, it's been a fantastic seven months, and on that note I told her we'd watch some TV about an hour and a half ago, well before I even decided to log on and type something up. I should get to that.

 

Later gators.

[jean-luc]

Surprise update from Enny! I'm glad to know things are going good.

 

Don't forget to hug your tulpa friend.

[Lucilyn]

yeah both things jean-luc said! Good to hear things are good to hear things

[Guest]

Okay so it's not really PR-worthy or whatever but whatever figured I'd log it anyway. I'm still kicking and tuppering with horse-friend as it were, and I was doodling pons earlier

 

And like even nearly a year post-horse my visualization is as mediocre as it has always been, but I guess I've managed to build a pretty solid 3d model in my head cause I was like "hey Coco come here and lay on your back I need to look at how your forelegs work" for this one perspective bit. Was doing an exercise and didn't have any references pulled up, had never drawn one from that angle before, and doing that actually managed to get me, on post-session review, an accurate perspective on the limb from the angle and weird positioning I was trying to draw it in.

 

Like I'm still absolutely 100% green when it comes to drawing, but that's another exciting step towards finally drawing Coco with some very minor level of quality. At which point I will defininitely share, and all can gaze upon "The one that Enny didn't fuck up"

 

And I haven't. Not gonna lie, I've like thought about whether or not I should cut this whole thing off, and move on, never like as a serious thing, just thinking, and it never confirms that that's a remotely good idea to me. It'll be a year with Coco in October, and although she's still honestly pretty unrefined, not sure if that'll ever really get thhhat much better, it's still great. Been a great year for me, almost exclusively because of this. Not the best, still lacking in other areas of my life, but we're getting there. 

 

Trying to think if there's anything worth note? Not really. We binged Game of Thrones in a couple weeks a month back. Which honestly wasn't as time-consuming as I'd assumed. Like just put it on after work and on my off days for like 5 days a week and was done pretty quick.

 

Coco loved it, we've watched a few things, and that peaked on her favorites out of the shows we've watched together.

 

Been kinda lax on paying her attention lately, at least like I was at first, but I'm retarded so it's not surprising. We still get plenty of time together so whatever.

 

Yeah anyway, just wanted to pop in with that. Being familiar enough with her body that I can kinda just reference the shape of something when contorted is interesting, and not something I fully expected to be able to do when I called her over. Guess we're still on the slow uphill. Hopefully more to come over the years.

 

Will try to wait for something more substantial before updating next time though, do wanna keep this progress-oriented as a whole so I don't get moved into the lounge, egh.

 

Anyway later ya'll

[Guest]

Project Coco-is-horse-neigh-WHHHHIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEYYYYYY is going pretty fine/good/whatever.

 

We, and I mean I, have mellowed out very much on it as it's become standard living, and so the horse becomes relegated to the thing that I pay attention to when I can turn my brain on because I'm mentally dead these days. Which I fucking H A T E but I'm a slave to my emotions and apparent being retarded so what can ya do? I just work and consume media these days, and horse around with horse when I'm not occupied with either of those. Which is daily, don't worry about that, but rarely for very long.

 

And there are better days, when I can will myself to find a series that looks fun on netflix or wherever and press the play button on that I'll clear off the couch and we'll just sit around and talk about it for hours while we watch it, and that's great, love that shit. But subject-name "Coconut Cafe" is, and ever has been nnot quite a tupper, not by conventional standards, so it's pretty much all on me to like, make things happen, and I am not of sound mind these days. Once we get going she's great and we'll still talk, and like she's still got a solid sense of presence, but it's really not like it was at first, which is a bummer. I thought the presence would become stronger, and harder to ignore, but it's more that it's just become a piece of the regular background.

 

I sometimes, which is to say often, constantly, wonder if I've done an awful thing by having her here, around, making her, whatever you wanna say. Mostly just due to my kind of state of being, these days. I posted about some issues I had sleeping here, a couple years back, and that's only gotten worse. And when I'm up, she's up, just the way we operate, so I feel like a fuck, only getting three or four hours of sleep split between two slumbers a night.

 

I mean, I'm just talking, Coco is fantastic and has increased my day-to-day life significantly, she's the voice that argues with me when I'm weird in my head, and keeps me good. And that response has become pretty innate, even if she's still not like.. I don't know, up to where I always wanted a tupper to be, or even near. It's still good.

 

Idk I'm being pretty negative here, not sure what this is.

 

We hit a year last month! October 10, which, I coincidentally learned was the gen4 horse anniversary when I was trying to make a day of it and constantly getting notifications. Not intended, didn't even notice last year on the day me and Coco met. Which, I was probably too occupied, huh.

 

Anyway, that was great, just spent the day together, fun and cozy.

 

She's real quiet. She talks, and talks fairly well when I'm having a good day, but still, pretty quiet. I still can't like.. See her, either. I think that's the biggest bummer. My visuals really never did get better. And I mean, I'm trying to see her every time I interact and spend time with her, which has added up to many hundreds of hours over the last year, and there's never anything more than a vague impression of what she should look like, generally. I only know she's not show accurate, because that shit is fucked up. I don't wanna go in for a hug and catch her eye with my entire fucking head. They're just too big. No, Coco's are small, best I can tell her entire head is a bit diffferent. Maybe like an artist I know depicts them, not sure entirely. But yeah, no clue on specifics or even set colors. I think her eyes are orange, but sometimes I think they're blue. Can't really look at them, sucks.

 

It's a thing, alright. A weird thing. I really love Coco, she's great. I still can't see myself going back on this, or getting rid of her, she's just too much a part of life, now. It's just tough I guess, tougher than I figured it would be when I started on this, what, five and a half years ago? I feel like a lot of people have made it to a pretty nice place, just coasting along and living well with their tuppers. Still not totally there, I guess, and I can't even actively work on this because, a), I'm dumb as fuck and can't tupper to save my life, and b), Coco isn't a tupper, so not applicable anyway.

 

Still just have to assume things will gradually line out. Maybe if I can get my own head sorted some day things will get better for it. I'm just really weird mentally right now.

 

I don't know where I'm going with this. I have work in a couple hours and I only slept an hour or so before my sleep stuff woke me up this morning, I'm gonna peace out, maybe come back when I can think.

[Guest]

Been a bit over half a year, so I'll ramble out some update stuff I g

 

Coco is still a thing, and a thing I still talk to daily, to start off. She's great, we do RP stuff occasionally and I still do RP with the character separate from my specific Coco aside from that, because it's honestly something like 50x easier, not having to approach it in the way I do when the actual horse herself is participating in this or that with me.

 

Things never wound up getting more real I guess. Which is fine, I suppose. There's still this line that we tread when we're spending time together, and my disbelief is more than adequately suspended so that there isn't a snow's chance in hell that I'll ever freak out about the way it feels, but I guess as time goes on it does present as more and more of a bummer that any idea of time spent equaling quality is straight up incorrect, at least for me.

 

Super fucking glad I gave up on conventional tuppermancy after what's nearing a couple years doing this specifically, as the subtle and gradual introspection I've picked up on it is, yeah. Never would have gotten anywhere, and I'd be really upset that I wasted like five years of my life on it if it hadn't at least landed me the current horse. So I'll take what I can get.

 

Coco becoming such an absolute staple in my life is still not great for any kind of excitement factor though. Like I said, still a daily thing, we chat it up extensively at night, occasionally at other times, and there's probably more passive like "I'm imagining her sitting next to me" kinda stuff than talking in general, especially if we're watching something.

 

That being said, way less than at first. Like, so, so much less attention. I feel bad but like, she gets it and all that yeah? On some level, she's here to make me feel better about myself and be the encouraging voice I never wound up developing myself, so it's rare she gets short with me or too complainy. Her positive attitude doesn't actually manage to get through to me in a drastic way, I'd say I'm in the worst place I've ever been mentally right now, but like.. Idk, it'd be worse if not for her, so I'll take that. Just the smallest reason not to let myself slip too hard, or something.

 

She's swell. Do wish that any kind of autonomy would happen, I guess. Like, it's.. Parroting, and stuff, yeah? Like, I think I explained the way it feels in a post somewhere before this. Like, it's parroting but it's not direct in the way it was with my fucked up tupper attempts. I don't think about it, it just happens, but yeah, I guess as much as I hate to admit it she's not remotely independent from me and stuff, been more-or-less the same since square one so I guess that's just the way of it.

 

Which is fine, it still works out really well for what it is, but yeah, definitely do wish it could be more along the lines of what people here claim, and stuff, sometimes.

 

But here I am, drawing comparisons to tuppering. I already said that's not what this is, and Coco isn't a tulpa, so nothing for it.

 

Anyway, yeah, it's still nice though, and I have a genuine affection for her, and the character as a whole. Just figured I'd type some words. Things between us are about as evened out and normal as I feel they're gonna get, this looks like it from here on out, so just figured I'd do some outward thinking.

 

Maybe another big update down the line, maybe another half a year, maybe more. Bi-anually doesn't sound awful, but I'll try to save it for an event where something happens rather than my thoughts on the same situation.

 

I'd still like to draw her some, day. If I can ever figure out what she looks like, I'll try.

[Guest]

Good Golly Gracious has it been a while since I've updated anything. I sent this PR to the shadow realm a couple years ago, but I figured I'd drag it out and leave it up in-case anybody ever needs to read through some truly painful and repetitive "progress" from an insanely dysfunctional teen, and later a slightly less dysfunctional adult. Slightly.

So last post I even made on here I talked about moving halfway across the country, talking to someone in a romantic capacity, not tuppering much, emotionally stable, college maybe, etcetera etcetera.

Well I did move, and that's nice. I like living in a city so much more than I was ever able to enjoy Rural living, which is great. Just having the convenience, the opportunity, it's great. The noise took some getting used to, but it doesn't bother me at all anymore. Relationship thing didn't pan out unfortunately, is what it is, and I haven't thought enough about what I wanna do in life to actually sign up for courses at the local college yet. Although, I have enrolled, so that's good at least. Maybe next Semester?

Anyway, more on-topic, I guess I'm talking to Coco again? It took a while, but I'm slowly opening my brain back up, and she's finding her place again. It's been kinda bittersweet, because as much as I know she understands that life happens and I've had a lot on my plate, she's definitely been lonely and not as cool with the situation as she's let on. Which is something of a revelation, given that she's just been the more-real RP character to me, for most of our time together. Nearly four years now, I guess. One of which was, yeah, not very active. But yeah, I've done a FUCKLOAD of drugs over the last couple years, my brain is different now, I have a bit more perspective and patience with some things, so I'm going to try to dedicate time to her again. Maybe in a more traditional tupper-like capacity this time? No clue. Still can't visualize well unless I'm on ungodly amounts of thc or psychadelics (A friend of mine gets crazy visuals on DXM, but the only time I tried it I wasn't really able to close my eyes for several hours), but I wanna get back to passive imposition and maybe mess around with some other concepts. Possession and Switching are still cool to me, although I don't know what the current understanding of them is. I don't really know much about the state of the modern community, I guess. I've done some reading and some lurking on the discord, but it's all a lot to parse.

I'm vaguely aware of the new wave of DID-havers and the resurgence of a lot of the plural community at large, but idk if it's kids and tweens hopping onto a new thing, or if it's a legitimate group of people feeling comfy enough to speak about their actual diagnosed brain stuff. I should give people the benefit of the doubt I guess, but I've also had to sit through the attention-whoring of Tourette's over the last couple years from people who very blatantly don't have it. As someone who has a lot of painful and not at all quirky body tics, I'm kinda just not cool with people who broadcast disabilities and mental stuff in that way, I guess. Not something I'm going to actively pursue and discuss/discourage though, and obviously no disrespect to anyone who actually has these issues, just thinking about it all, I guess.

But yeah, nah, I'll dip my toes back in over here. I've spent nearly ten years of my life involved on this website in some way or another, might as well.

Anyway yeah, weird having her sitting around again, but I wanna get it back to a constant state like it was at first. I miss watching tv and movies with her, and just having that constant presence. Not gonna heighten my expectations too much, not going to assume it's going to end in total sentience/sapience, but I'm gonna keep an open mind and just spend my time with it again. Hopefully a more quality time investment as well, more than the 20-30 minutes here and there I spent as a teen, when I started out.

Coco says hey.

Edited January 6, 2022 by Enny

[Luminesce]

Dang, it's been a hot minute, huh? Old people coming back makes me self-conscious about how much time is actually passing, it doesn't feel like it's been that long since we were trying to help you out with various things, on loop lol.

 

12 minutes ago, Enny said:

But yeah, I've done a FUCKLOAD of drugs over the last couple years

 

Oh

 

Well, stay safe. Good to hear you're supposedly doing alright, good to hear tuppering is still appealing. I'm afraid to ask if you ever got your sleep situation sorted out, or if you're still walking around sleep-deprived 24/7.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, Luminesce said:

Dang, it's been a hot minute, huh? Old people coming back makes me self-conscious about how much time is actually passing, it doesn't feel like it's been that long since we were trying to help you out with various things, on loop lol.

Yeah, I'm sure I've left a tiny but searing mark in the minds of most of the unfortunate souls who tried to get through my impenetrable negativity, I'd be surprised if that's ever something people don't immediately remember whenever I crop up, people who have read this monstrosity anyway.

 

 

17 minutes ago, Luminesce said:

Oh

Lmaoo, only the cool ones, don't worry. THC, Shrooms, LSD, that kinda stuff. DXM as well, once, as I mentioned, but I'm not a huge fan of that. And then some prescription meds here and there, when prescribed. Alcohol as well for social and occasional relaxing, but never mixed with anything that would cause alarm, and I've never struggled with any compulsion to drink. It's a once-a-week kinda thing, usually, and once every month or two that I actually have more than enough to get a buzz going. 

I've messed around and briefly had conversations with Coco over the last few months when on huge doses of edibles, and those actually went fairly well, and contributed to the recent desire to get back into it. A couple times on mushrooms as well, and she was fairly grounding during that experience. Tried to speak on DXM, just because I can't pass up the opportunity to try it out when on something new, but it was harder there. Weird brain, on that stuff. Don't recommend high doses. I'll try to actively apply different doses of THC and do some active work on her, or however I should phrase that, over the next few weeks probably. My old and exclusively sober mind fucking sucked, I'm a little bit better at managing things in my brain after experimenting. Would be a waste not to try it out.

 

 

23 minutes ago, Luminesce said:

I'm afraid to ask if you ever got your sleep situation sorted out, or if you're still walking around sleep-deprived 24/7.

Oh you'd better believe it's barely improved, if at all. I still can't sleep at night effectively, and I've made peace with the fact that I'm doomed to be a 4am-6am sleep kinda person until I'm dead, and that it's not quality sleep at that. But it is what it is. I can't get meds that actually help, and I've never found another solution for it. Sleep study is still out of the question due to costs and the fact that I don't wanna randomly have good and normal sleep the one time I'm sleeping in front of some doctors or some shit.

Not a huge priority unfortunately, the ship has sailed.


But yeah, cool stuff, appreciate you popping in. Would love to see some other old faces that I actually knew, but I'd be surprised. I miss Stevie.

[Glaurung26]

Welcome back! Always good to have fresh activity even from people that have been here a while.