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[General] Negative- Feel Like I've Gone too Far
#1
I haven't posted in years on this forum. The last time I posted was early 2017. Needless to say, I think I really screwed things up in the whole tulpa process and I wouldn't even delve back into it if I didn't feel guilty over them. I had quite a few anxieties that definitely came back to bite me. In what I write, I have no intention of being offensive to anyone who has a close relationship with their tulpa. So here's a warning for a possible dissipation story and overall disastrous thinking.

Back in 2016, I was extremely depressed and I started making a tulpa in the hopes of getting some comfort. However, after a few months it started dawning on me that this whole thing would be a pretty serious secret. I'd have to accept this for the rest of my life. I have parents whom I am very close to as well as a therapist who might both disapprove, and I wasn't sure my self-esteem could take another hit if I let this slip.

Our relationship also started getting way too romantic/ or intimate for my comfort and I feared that it would impact my ability to connect with my peers and go outside since I would simply want to spend all my time with my tulpa. I realize I could have tried reasoning with my tulpa and that we could set some boundaries, but honestly the phenomenon itself started making my anxiety much worse. I started freaking out about whether or not having a tulpa to begin with would impact me or my mind development negatively in some unforeseen way. Cue a textbook-definition anxiety-attack.

After talking the situation over, my tulpa simply got up from his seat and walked right out of his wonderland space. Whether I did that for him or he did that by himself, I still don't even know, since he was only partially developed. It seemed pretty autonomous, especially since I haven't really seen him since. I could barely remember what he looked like for months. However,  I've been much too scared to try and actively force him again. I wasn't really sure if I was ready to open that can of worms and I definitely repressed a lot of the memory until now.


Fast forward to recently, where I'm now an art student in college and constantly trying to channel my creativity. I've had roleplay and writing experience, and I definitely feel that I get attached to my characters. Because of this, I fear that I could be creating my own accidental tulpa by interacting with a new character in pretty intimate and dynamic way. I can easily picture her as a real person that I could interact with and I've been selectively feeling her presence a little in order to feel less lonely.

As of recently, I sorta jumped on the tulpa idea, and I think I started treating her that way before I could stop and think about the consequences of that. She was pretty likely a non-sentient thoughtform before but I seem to be experiencing a 'mind poke' as of the past few days. Sad to say that this is scaring the hell out of me since I'm not sure if it's ethical to go back or leave it alone now that it's started.

I feel that my thinking patterns are a flip-flopping, doubt filled landscape constantly ruminating, fact-checking, playing a game of back-and-forth affection and distress towards whatever the thoughtform is, and I don't think that a healthy mindset to develop a tulpa at all. If I'm going to create a tulpa, I want to guarantee that I'm not going to be scared of them or convinced I should get rid of them. As of now, I feel like unless I can prove nothing bad will happen and I won't get buried under a burden I can't handle, I'm not sure I can provide that kind of healthy mind environment.

I realize 'proving nothing bad will happen' is impossible, so I'm wondering what my options are to handle this current thoughtform/ or semi-tulpa given all the history back there. Perhaps I'm already messing up again with this tug of war "It's ok to be here/ I'm a little scared that you're here" that may have destroyed a bit of personality/presence. I'm convinced tulpamancy isn't for me, at least not for now, but I don't want to feel irresponsible or guilty over not finishing what I started.
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#2
This early on, if you don't want to have a tulpa, you can merely stop interacting with the character altogether, and they likely won't develop any further. You're not obligated to develop them into a full tulpa if that's not what you want or can handle. It is my opinion that the key to creating a tulpa is a) treating them like they're really there or are a real person and b) interacting with them/thinking about them consistently. In the future, as long as you avoid doing "a)" then you shouldn't have a problem with creating more. See your characters as your imagination and nothing more, you should be fine.
I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are Piano & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#3
Don't feel bad, it's supposed to be comforting and fun, if you're not getting that, you don't need to do this, it's not another 'thing' you have to finish.

Either way, we'll be here to help, don't be afraid to talk it out.
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#4
I did something similar enough, made a tulpa that I stopped interacting with and than started a second. Not sure I'm the best person to throw my two cents in, but if you're feeling stressed and worried, and can't get past that, than it might not be the best idea to make a tulpa. My second tulpa has had to put up with an inordinate amount of shit from me because I get into weird head spaces about the whole thing(Among other things). If you don't think you want a full on tulpa, or don't think you can have one without having those feelings, it's probably best to leave it, having a shitty host is crueler than dying, but take anything I say with a grain of salt I suppose
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#5
My advice: Be open with your tulpa about these feelings. Let them know of your worries, and what you think further developing might entail for them. Let them help you decide what to do. They'll understand, just trust that they will. After all, they literally live inside your mind, there's no way that they wouldn't be able to understand. You just have to be open with them.
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#6
Don't let anxieties about spontaneous tulpas stop you from being creative.  That is one of the drawbacks to tulpamancy beliefs that Mistgod and I dislike the most, distress and fear about your own mind and imagination.  It won't happen.  You will not spontaneously create an independently sentient tulpa unless you want it to happen. Ignore those who tell you otherwise. Write stories, do art, day dream, imagine, enjoy your life.  Stop worrying about tulpas appearing in your brain.  There are so many other real world things to be anxious about that you don't need tulpa fears on top of.  

If you are truly extraordinarily anxious about tulpas, ignore this community, and the entire concept, completely.  It should be fulfilling and fun and not bring you any kind of anxiety whatsoever.
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#7
It's supposed to help you eliminate anxiety.
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#8
No one should fear their own imagination or be anxious about being creative and imagining things. That in itself is the strangest and most unfortunate anxiety phobia that is a direct side effect of getting involved with tulpamancy, for some persons. I think this community should work hard to reduce the potential for such psychological trauma and should feel some responsibility for it. We keep telling vulnerable and gullible people that they can:

1. Accidentally spawn tulpas simply by thinking a lot about a character.

2. They are forever ethically and morally responsible for having spawned a tulpa in such a circumstance.

3. They are forever morally responsible for the dissipation "death" or mistreatment of such an accidentally spawned tulpa and for it being uncomfortable or unhappy.

This thread is yet another piece of DIRECT EVIDENCE of the results of such things.

These are TERRIBLE messages being put out there to people, especially young people who could be struggling with emotional disturbance, personality disorders or identity crises. This is exactly why Mistgod and I went off on a huge rant one time in one of the Tulpa Discord servers when the moderators banned all discussion of waifus, because waifus can become spontaneously sentient and then be unwilling sex slaves, and that is unethical. It's ridiculous and irrational things like this that are sometimes a result of tulpamancy and plurality belief systems.

Even if it is possible, I don't think we should be telling people not to imagine and concentrate on a character. I really don't. Look what happens! Mistgod and I are huge believers in and appreciators of imagination. Tulpamancers are sending a message, inadvertently, that a person should be afraid to use their imagination for fear of damaging their minds.
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#9
First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their advice and support.

Second of all, I did not wish to spawn a potential argument about whether or not I'm afraid to use my imagination. I am certainly not afraid to think through and create concepts, characters, and ideas. I have been a roleplayer and writer for some years and understand what it feels like to 'get into the mind of a character' without necessarily having them come to life. I have known about tulpas for a while, and this situation hadn't really come up until yesterday. As I see it, this was just another coincidental chink in my armor that my anxiety saw for a second and immediately glommed on to, as it often does.

My main concern today was that this new tulpa idea was a semi-conscious effort that I leapt into, and I tend to have irrational anxieties around things I can control/cannot control as well as things that I color as my own fault. I've been pretty lonely recently and since I put a lot of stock into the idea, I ended up unlocking a few memories that drew me from tulpamancy to begin with. I probably shouldn't have browsed around the forum again until a few more years, but I really am fascinated with the concept.

When writing this post, I was debating whether or not having a tulpa would cause more harm than good for me in the long run, and whether I could choose to turn back/ or save the idea for later. I was afraid that turning back or keeping the tulpa concept on hold would be impossible or even discouraged, but I now realize I have more power over my head than I often give myself credit for. I don't doubt that I have a few pre-conceived notions and maybe I could've dug around more here until I figured that out on my own. The worst isn't gonna happen unless I let it, and I'm gonna have to give myself a kind slap on the wrist once in a while to remember it.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection today, of course, and I've come to realize that the idea isn't completely off the table. I'm not saying that I won't ever have a tulpa but it'll take a lot more self-reflection and a few outside strategies for dealing with anxiety first. I want to be kinder to my head. I suppose I meant: "It's not for me, for now." You never really know what's there to come.
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#10
Yay! I am so glad. I agree with all of this Bluedot. You are absolutely in control of the products of your imagination and they are yours to do with as you will without any guilt, fear, shame or worries! Enjoy life and enjoy your imagination!!!!! If you decide to make a tulpa, do so for all the most positive reasons and do so without any anxiety. Tulpa ethics are very important to the community, but we can let the concept get away from us. Your mental and emotional health is important too and we have to have some reason and balance.

It is true that some persons have reported "accidentally" spawning an apparently autonomous, or semi-autonomous headmate by extreme concentration or immersive visualization on a character or imaginary persona. It does happen. There is testimonial evidence for that both in and outside of the tulpamancy community. (It happened that way with my hostie and I). But, my dear, such things are extremely rare. How do I know this? How many peoples in your life do you encounter complaining about voices in their head that won't go away after they did some day dreaming or creative thinking? LOL It has to be a very rare phenomenon. I also believe some aspect of desire for it to occur is usually a necessary ingredient.

I don't want to discourage you from creating a tulpa if it is something you find very compelling and interesting. Just don't feel anxiety about it. Have fun. Let it all be a very interesting and positive experience for you. Know for yourself going in that nothing bad is going to happen and that you can fix things how you want and your tulpa is going to be super happy! Trust me, it will be if you believe that way.
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