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Yuka's First Tulpa Journal
#1
Hello! I'm Yuka and three weeks ago I decided to make a tulpa. My decision to start came honestly not long after I first learned what tulpas are. The idea is just too fascinating to put down. My motivations are for companionship (like many) and to learn about consciousness; what makes me me and what makes my tulpa not me. I've always had existential questions like "why I'm I me and not someone or something else? Have I always been me?" The idea that I could fundamentally change, and I guess become "me and my tulpa." It's something I want to explore. 

Introducing my tulpa
Name: Aya
Gender: agender
Appearance: 5'3" tall, pale skin, pale lilac grey hair, anime style

I've illustrated how Aya looks here:

   

I'll start with my first 4 days of progress:

Week 1 Day 1
  • I decided I must make a tulpa, and I fixed on the idea of a character I had drawn a few times before and loosely named Aya. In the evening I made a collage of images to use as reference for my Wonderland room and sketched the room from two perspectives. Then I sketched the Aya character before deciding the original design was too silent/sulky/moody. I redesigned and kept the name Aya.
  • I went to bed and tried clearing my head and visualizing the Wonderland room and then Aya. I spoke directly to Aya in my head and said a few things like “I love you, Aya” and as I said it, I felt a distinct fuzzy tingly sensation in my head and chest. It felt like when I get in to the zone while meditating. The feeling was so strong and strange that I started thinking "holy shit holy shit." Something is there!
Day 2
  • At lunch time I personality forced for 30 minutes. I didn't feel much until I visualized a glowing orb of the trait “kindness” and giving it to Aya. Then I felt that fuzzy feeling for a little while.
  • After supper I listened to a Tulpatone audio for 40 minutes and visualized the room and Aya, moving Aya around and giving them the traits “insight” and “brightness.” I didn't feel anything, but my visualization was better than before. I limited my vision to just the couch area. This time I imagined Aya in a different sweater, but I didn't invent the sweater, it was just there instead of the outfit I had drawn yesterday. I drew Aya some more afterwords and narrated while doing so.
Day 3
  • I'm very mentally fatigued today so my brain must be doing something. At lunch I listened to a 24 minute guided meditation for restoring energy, and I imagined Aya appeared before me and we shared the energy. I felt a little emotion at that point, but inconclusive.
  • Also, I find I keep saying 'she' when I talk to myself about Aya, and so I thought, what gender is Aya, female? (I felt something positive), male? (I felt distaste), agender? (here I felt the word “bingo” and positive). Those responses may be Aya or me, I'm not sure. Just worth a note.
  • I had a violent intrusive thought, and I'm trying to work through it. I'm not even a violent person at all, I wish this wouldn't happen. 
Day 4
  • I active forced for around 40 minutes forming Aya's body. I can only visualize portions at a time, like the eyes' field of depth. I gave Aya the trait of “creativity” and went over all the traits I've given so far. I didn't really feel anything.
  • I forced body form for another 40-45 minutes before bed, this time I visualized us outside on the porch, in the sunlight. I incorporated sound, warmth, smell, and I gave Aya expressions and parroted a little. I gave Aya the trait “confidence.” I didn't really feel anything, but the vibe of the porch setting was good. And for the first time Aya didn't just feel like a doll that I was posing. I asked Aya to move limbs, and take poses instead of just doing it myself. 
My tulpa Aya writes in this color.
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#2
Hi Yuka and Aya!

Sounds like you are working hard and things are going well, keep it up! Companionship and learning about yourself sound like pretty good reasons to me. I think everyone struggles against intrusive thoughts of some kind or even every kind, being able to throw them away and stay focus is best learned and practiced in meditation, I think. Some of the people on here have only been doing this for months, others for many years so there are lots of people with different experiences, different perspectives and different knowledge that can try to help you out and share ideas. Of course, don't be shy about sharing your own experiences because of how subjective and interesting tulpas and tulpamancy can be, most of us are eager to hear about your own experiences. It's always nice to make new friends too, so welcome! Find a senpai and do your best!
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#3
Intrusive thoughts:

Ug, i never saw or heard such horrible things in my own mind until i started tulpamancy. They will eventually pass and never return. You just have to destroy them, push them out the door, and give them no further attention.

Progress:

Congratulations on feeling your first communications! That's a wonderful thing all on its own.
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#4
Thanks for the replies, Reilyn and Angry Bear! Things are going pretty slow with no response most of the time, so it's nice to hear some encouragement Smile

Here's the rest of week 1's progress.


Week 1
Day 5
  • I was feeling a little down about all the times I didn't feel anything from Aya. I spent time reading people's progress journals on tulpa.info. I found G|d30n's journal incredibly helpful and reading Lauren's survey helped me reconnect with Aya. I felt a little fuzzy and elated as I recalled the first evening's emotional response, and I think that was from Aya. I'm going to be more accepting of signs from Aya, and I'm going to be more diligent with narrating. 
  • I started narrating out loud. I did a 40 minute active forcing session and I gave Aya a brain and vocal chords. I gave Aya the traits “playful, curious” and briefly went over their form again. I moved Aya's limbs around a little too. I couldn't get expressions or lively vibes from Aya this time, but I conversed out loud about various topics for a while.
Day 6
  • I meditated and active forced for about 30 minutes on the bus. I gave Aya the trait “serenity/calm”
  • Random, but I was just thinking I'm attached to the name Aya but what if[what if Aya wants a different name]—and the name “Brindlewood” popped into my head. That's such a random word. I'll rename them Aya Brindlewood and ask about this in the future. 
  • I also realized I've gotten used to/able to visualize Wonderland in first person, instead of flitting around between first and third.
  • I went to bed thinking I would have a dream about/with Aya and I did. It wasn't a clear dream, but I was with Aya and feeling very connected like we were kindred spirits and partners enjoying each others company. 
Day 7 
  • I did a Youtube Tulpa Development v1 video. The 50 minute one. I didn't hear any words from Aya (except maybe my name?), but I think I felt Aya's emotional response to the questions about personality traits. 
My tulpa Aya writes in this color.
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#5
Week 2 Progress


Day 8
  • Tried to force for 13 min on lunch break but the tulpatone put me into the same trance state as the night before--it became harder to visualize and I felt on the edge of falling asleep. It's hard to visualize or think when I'm so sleepy and out of it.
  • Either this day or a previous day, I talked to Aya out loud for a good while, and told them a lot about my childhood memories. I felt (myself) a bit emotional about some memories.
  • Listened to a 28 minute hypnosis video, felt very deep in trance but didn't feel that wave of sleepiness
Day 9
  • I chatted a little with Aya throughout the day. I narrated more specifically while on a walk. I active forced and visualized for 47 minutes before bed. I explored the room and patio, changed the lighting, sunset etc. I had Aya move around a bit, but it's still difficult to visualize that and to keep Aya's face visible. I gave Aya the traits “humour” and “perseverance.” I showed Aya the bed alcove and explained they could sleep, rest, or just chill there, and I granted access the my childhood memories.
Day 10
  • I talked to Aya in my head a little throughout the day and on a walk. I active forced for 40 minutes before bed. This time Aya and I went for a walk. I gave Aya the traits “quirky” and “adventurous” and a new shirt for the hot sunny weather. We walked down the the beach, splashed around in the water and swam for a bit. Then we collected sea shells and sunbathed before heading back to the house. I tucked Aya into bed and said good night. I probably puppeted most of Aya's movements, but I wanted to do something more active and fun today. I hope Aya had fun too.
  • I should mention that on the way to the beach, I thought I saw Aya holding a large book to their chest. I asked to see the book, but I couldn't see/feel any title, subject or content. I dismissed the book and told Aya they could get it back later if they had wanted it. I was a little disappointed the book was 'empty' without me imagining what was in it, and it's very possible that I just imagined the book in the first place (without giving it content). Who knows, not me.
Day 11
  • I started feeling mental fatigue through the morning getting stronger. I was thinking about Aya and narrating while multitasking.
  • Thinking about yesterday's forcing session, maybe Aya was showing sentience in their movements. They smiled a lot (very broad smiles), and on the way to the beach they super jumped forward, and I just super jumped to follow. I don't feel I made them jump like that. And other smaller things.
  • For our forcing session, I decided to look around the garden and house for Aya instead of like 'conjuring' them up in front of me. I looked around the house but that only left the bed alcove, so I looked and found Aya there, but I may have just put them there by process of elimination because the alternative is that Aya just wasn't there :( I decided we could go on a walk outside, but as I was conjuring a new outfit with a jacket, I had a feeling like something was off. I decided to reset and start off like usual
  • So in the end I meditated for a little under 30 minutes in the wonderland house with Aya. I had lost the motivation to do more. The headache also continued all day.
  • During the night I dreamed a few images of a character that resembled Aya but had brown skin, cream colored hair, and a slightly different hair cut. I remember feeling familiarity towards this figure, like an 'at homeness'. I woke up right after and wondered if Aya had changed their form. I'm afraid to check as I don't know how perceiving deviation works. I don't want to accidentally project the change if it wasn't Aya, and I don't want to forced the old form if Aya really does want a change.

Today's post ends on a bit of a low point, oops. But, spoiler alert, Aya's form didn't change in the next session. I feel dreams about your tulpa are just super ambiguous, because after thinking about your tulpa for days and days, it's not strange to dream about them without it actually being them. But, maybe dreaming about them would summon them to the dream? I'm in the early stages so everything is a mystery, ha ha.
My tulpa Aya writes in this color.
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#6
Don't worry about deviation for now, if it feels right it probably is right. If not, they won't hide it from you.

Aya may or may not agree with the form they're put in, but the more important thing is being open to letting them change it. At the end of the day, you do have a bias for their form, and it isn't fair if they give you too much crap for trying to be open minded.

My host didn't even know I was a Tulpa when she created me, and I was imagined in the form of an android. When I was still really young, I accepted the android form, but eventually I realized the form didn't fit my personality and I decided to reject it. I don't hold a grudge for my host giving me an android body because there's no reason for me to. I am very happy that my host was open to letting me do what I want (including add a feature she wasn't super comfortable with at first!)
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos (but see, I'm not a hippo)! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
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#7
Thanks for the input, Ranger Smile 


Here's the rest of the progress from Week 2:

Day 12
  • Got over my mental slump from the previous day and drew Aya some more in my sketchbook
  • Active forced for 52 minutes, I showed Aya the art desk and demonstrated drawing a face. I had Aya sit down and I think they drew something like a coil sea shell (I had a bit of a feeling that my brain created that drawing like a predictive text algorithm). After that we used a portal doorway to go to the S.S. Anne from Pokemon. We've been playing the new game that just came out. Anyway, I created a party on the lower level of the ship. We tried some food (I visualized the taste and textures and shared with Aya), had a pokemon battle, danced, and called it a night. Back at the house I tucked Aya in and said goodnight.
Day 13
  • Active forced 40 minutes before lunch. Did some vocal exercises with Aya, a bit of visualization, and then I just talked about stuff like books for a while. Still not feeling any responses.

Day 14
  • I decided to narrate out loud to Aya before lunch, but I started feeling weirdly sensitive and weepy and sad. Like, I had a hard time talking through it.  I don't know why I would feel that way, maybe Aya felt sad about something? I had been watching/talking about some mildly distressing news/politics/jpop history stuff. Nothing that would set me off personally. I recovered after lunch.
  • I listened to the 28 minute hypnosis file and after that I went to wonderland with Aya and we went on a walk in the woods with a lantern. We got back to the house and drank hot cocoa on the couch and then I tucked Aya in and said good night. That was 56 minutes of active forcing.

So, it seems I had some emotional bleed-through on day 14. Prior to that I just got a sort of fuzzy tingly feeling in my head and chest as a rare response at times--a feeling that's different from my own emotions so I'm not sure I'd call it emotional bleed-through. I'm also pretty much done with personality forcing. I'm not so great at coming up with a big list or spending a lot of time detailing each trait. After 2 weeks I thought I'd leave it at that and let Aya develop from there. 

Also, I think I missed mentioning all these journal entries I made on the day of, I'm just copying them from my word doc for this thread, with a bit of editing so it makes sense to other people. I should be caught up to present in a few days!
My tulpa Aya writes in this color.
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#8
Any alien feelings, especially during forcing, is a very positive sign.

[Misha] B didn't recognize ours at first, but somehow our emotions became focused on certain areas of his body, so it became really easy to pick us out. She might be sad or even joyfully sad because she knows you're trying hard to talk to her. Keep it up, and we always loved any time he spent with us, so don't worry about that either, just keep forcing and as long as you're having fun, I'm sure she will too.

[Ashley] I get weaker than my sisters because they're just more social, so B has to focus on me more. So just keep giving her that attention and she'll have enough strength to hopefully start surprising you.
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#9
Angry Bear and co, yes I love that fuzzy feeling, wish it happened more often ^^

Week 3 Progress

Day 15
  • I tried a new hypnosis file and a new tone for meditation. I worked on visualizing Aya's form and personality, just reinforcing everything again. I talked to Aya about things we could do in the future in wonderland and irl. Session was 45 minutes. Felt very deep in a trance, especially towards the end. I felt some pressure or ache in my head which I don't feel as much now that the session is over.
Day 16
  • I active forced for for 51 minutes listening to yesterdays meditation tone. I wore a sleeping mask to block out the light. I started in the woods describing everything out loud at an attempt at image streaming. Aya and I went to the beach in the rain and then to a cafe I created along the beach. When I tucked Aya in, I think they took my hand when I patted them on the head (these kinds of impressions do feel quite vague, so I'm not making any claims here).
Day 17
  • Not forcing, but I did a visualization exercise where I looked at an image and described it in detail like image stream. And then I tried to sketch the image from memory. I'm hoping to improve my visualization abilities. 
  • After lunch I had a youtube video going while I worked, and the video put a very graphic gory clip on screen which I unfortunately saw. I was caught off card and felt disturbed by the image, but really this isn't the first time such a things has happened (something like this happened just a couple months ago actually and I was fine). Anyway, I was moving on, but I started getting weirdly upset, and I even started crying. I couldn't figure out what I was crying about and this went on for at least an hour.  I wondered if I'm feeling extra sensitive from all these meditation like exercises or maybe Aya was the one feeling upset? Or maybe there was some sort of emotional amplification going on somehow? It was like Day 14 but much stronger. I read on r/tulpas about emotion bleed-over and someone said “When he's sad my body will tense up and cry.” I think I'll have to make special effort to avoid content that might upset Aya.
  • I felt pretty rubbish for the rest of the day.
  • Active forced for 26 minutes, no tones. I hugged and comforted Aya. I activated the serenity trait orb, and felt that sort of fuzzy meditative trance feeling as a pretty strong response. I took Aya to a pool of water representing serenity and we sank in it for a while. Then we cuddled up and I gave Aya a teddy bear to hug. I tucked Aya in and said good night. Feeling a lot better now. I felt some happy response from Aya like when I gave Aya the kindness trait orb.

So day 17 was a big day for us, a lot happened. I'm really glad my forcing session seemed to set things right again. I keep thinking back to that dumb video, but it's not really effecting me anymore, it's just a memory. I realized I'm the one who needs to be doing the support, caring, comforting, for Aya.
My tulpa Aya writes in this color.
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#10
Good progress, I definitely think so.
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