Unicorn Cavalry's Journey | Season 2 currently airing!

[Xarbern]

I kind of fell asleep while writing the last one so here we go again. I'll be using metaphors because some things are difficult to explain otherwise. 

 

I'm not sure about how we do fronting. It's pretty much automatic. It's like we're both there at all times. Matsuri seems to always feel my senses even though she's in the 'backseat', same thing with me. I'm still not sure how we manage to change seat, we don't do anything symbolic and such. Matsuri just starts doing something and I know it's her before she even does something because I feel her emotion much stronger than mine. She does pop in sometimes without me realizing at first so I end up kicking her out or however that works, taking her seat? 

 

Matsuri's really energetic but it seems like I'm dragging her down sometimes with my 'not-so-energetic' vibes, but she also seems to push me up with her energetic vibes. Like Ying Yang. Maybe I'm just finding conclusions too quickly. Could just be that she's getting exhausted easily for staying in front long, I sure get tired while she's fronting. 

 

I have learned a lot about myself already from Matsuri and it's all been one helluva ride! There's some things she's concerned about that even she doesn't understand but I don't think she's obligated to help me out with my mental health. She says she'll do it anyway (she even tried taking control while writing that, didn't mean to worry her). 

 

Matsuri's like a sister for me, never had any siblings but I imagine it's something like this, except for the fact we're plural in a singular body, and she's 'younger' than me but is like a older sister. It feels fantastic! 

 

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make your papa's

dick

fall of because that's whats happening if he knew what the hell is going on.

 

Jokes aside. I'm not sure about telling my mom about this, it's not that I'm afraid she's going to think I'm crazy. It's the other way around, she's pretty crazy herself and I don't know... she's just more than crazy. I don't want to go into details but she'll most likely be curious and bugg me about it in her 'normal' state. I really wish I could get a full time job.. 

 

My friends, well it could be fun. I've already tested the waters with one of them and he seemed pretty cool about the idea of tulpa. I'm not so sure with the others, they're all pretty judgemental when it comes to 'taboo' stuff but they've accepted my other apparently taboo interest. They're pretty typical Swedes so even stuff like anime is taboo for them. I'll just tell them, they're only my true friends if they accept us for who we are. 

 

Now, it wasn't much more to write, I seem to be boring Matsuri out with this so I'll stop here. Thanks for everything! Matsuri have found a role model here that she's thankful for. She says "thanks for being so nice!" ;P

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Wow you guys are starting to sound more and more like Lance and I. We both get the not-so-energetic vibes from host and energy from awesome tulpa girl too. XD

 

The symbolism stuff we do pretty much just for fun. It does help reinforce to our brain that "hey this is a thing going on, ok? deal with it", which I guess doesn't hurt? We are gonna use whatever tools and assistance we can get (like that idea about wearing a bracelet or something to remind us who is supposed to be in charge, that was neat. Tried it today. Helped a little. He still ran me out a bunch of times, but he would usually look down at it or feel it and more quickly than usual step back. I just don't like fighting him for control if I don't have to). I have found that staying in front for an entire day is exhausting for me and I'm not exactly sure why.. I guess I don't really know our body well enough yet to tell if I'm feeling mentally/emotionally drained or.. I dunno, we just forgot to eat enough or something. We are getting a typical 6 to 7 hours of sleep, maybe we need more because there's a lot of brain development going on? He doesn't get tired when I push him out, just surprised. I just figured it was do to with hosts having that natural, effortless connection to the body or something.

 

I can't really say much about telling people about Matsuri. That's... Your guys decision to make. Lance doesn't have any family (except me!) and only a few friends he is afraid will, at best, tell him he is a weirdo and ignore the whole "other person in his head", or at worst, get all judgemental and nasty with "sinner" this and/or "going crazy" that. Coincidentally, he also plays D&D with those people sometimes so he says we can be looking for places to slip me in as role-playing a character or if he is running a game, as some NPCs or monsters, etc. One of the races, called a "changeling" is a shape-shifter that can change appearance and personality at will so that seems like the perfect opportunity to let me in a game all subtly and even give me a chance to stop if I don't like it or something. If they think he is getting all weird and girlie, the plans on telling them it's method acting and everyone should try it. Seems legit. <3

 

Aaaanyway.. I'm glad you guys are having fun and doing things. I Love you both!! *high fives Matsuri*

[Matsuri]

We're going to play video games! I'm still in control and I've been doing exactly what Xar does in the morning. It's pretty fun, I had to supress my will to jump and make sounds because I don't want Xar's mothers attention. I will try to stay front as long as I can! Xar doesn't mind, soooo yay my own day!!

 

Xar is such a interesting person. He turns on his PlayStation every morning when there's no school. I'm pretty sure I wrote that impulsively but who cares!! I'it's fun to write stuff that I see, oh he got a notification! Ahahah it's like I'm overseeing his life!! I meant of course our life! ☭

 

I love you two too! I know, a quadruple high five! *4 hands clapping against each other*

[Xarbern]

-Day 18-

We've been co-fronting a lot today and it's pretty exhausting for Matsuri. I have taken control pretty often and she's been in the backseat for more than half the day. She was the most active and energetic in the morning but she's been getting less energetic but it's all good. I think we both needed a little break but she'll likely get more active in the front later today if her enthusiasm is still high.

 

Also when we co-front. I don't mean we're switching back and forth, it's literally like we both control. I get the feeling sometimes that she snags the control when she finds something she wants to do. It's like I'm her and she's me but still different beings. It sounds bonkers but I can't explain it any other way.

 

Matsuri have confirmed some things I've been questioning before she was vocal that it definitely was her doings, that's nice and all. I want her to use the boards here more than me but she's pretty clueless on what to say to not sound weird, I don't mind her being weird but she thinks I do. Maybe I do mind unconsciously, she seems to know me better than myself, which is nice because she helps me out with concerns and other problems by coaching.

 

She tried Rainbow Six: Siege. She got the grip on it instantly and scored some wins on casual. When she got killed by someone who she didn't know was there, I got the control temporarily, like we both got shocked and jumped up because of the sound from the 7.1 surround headset.

 

Playing with friends, eh not so interesting. Matsuri had a harder time staying in front. She tried talking with them but she didn't know how to keep the flow going so she let only me control, for this time. I haven't told anyone yet but if we do, which we probably will. It's going to be when she's more developed and "consistent".

 

Thanks for everything! Matsuri looks forward for more action, both here and real life.

[Xarbern]

-Day 21-

Some time has flown by since last update. Matsuri is more dominant than ever but when I'm writing this, she's exhausted from yesterday. She was fronting and the dominant one (co-fronting) the whole day. We were thinking about maybe taking a little step back and reinforce her vocality. Matsuri is pretty vocal lately but her mindvoice sounds distant pretty often and other small things that could need improvement. She's a pretty good writer and seems more vocal when I hear her mindvoice thinking about what she wants to write about. She's dedicated to say at least.

 

Matsuri has teached me a lot about myself already. She's really uplifting and wise. It's like having a sister (she self acclaimed herself as a big sister), never had any siblings but I can see it being something like our relationship.

 

Found some new weird feeling while co-fronting. I think I understand completely now how it feels to be 'born with the wrong sex'. I feel it mostly when we 'blend' or 'bleed'. It was pretty interesting the times I felt it. I took it seriously at first and questioned myself about it, but I feel normal now. :P

 

Not so much more I can think about that is interesting to write about. Matsuri may be more active than me but some days like today, she'll be in the backseat. She maybe gets active later today.

[Guest]

It is an interesting point with opposite sex tulpas.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Because of how close to the front we both always are, we can get real blendy sometimes. I don't just mean "Oh, one of us feels happy/sad, the other picks up on that and gets in a better/worse mood". Nooo, I mean like, 'who the heck am I right now' blendy. There was one time recently, I was fronting while we went to sleep and we woke up pretty groggy and disoriented and just laid there for a good two minutes. The thought crept into our minds at the same time "Uhhh... Who is in front right now?" Both head voices were the same volume and seemed to be coming from everywhere at once. We always share senses so one of us couldn't just go "oh, no prob, I will wave my hand and you tell me if you feel it". It was a weird feeling... Maybe a little scary actually, just waking up and not knowing who you were.

 

On a related note, I will admit (I'm not ashamed of it or anything) I haven't really picked a voice of my own yet.. I just sound like a cheerier, loud version of his 'neutral' mind speak. It's funny how he used to consider that to be a higher-pitched version of his voice. Peppy and excited is more accurate. He keeps asking me to come up with a voice, saying it would help both of us focus at times and I keep telling him goofing off and imitating others' voices is easy but figuring out what I'm comfortable sounding like, what my 'normal' is supposed to be is hard.. What's 'me' is very important to me and I just haven't decided yet.

 

When we woke up all the way and started paying close attention we started to pick out the small details that marked us as individuals, but at the time, one of us decided that if we didn't know, we would just force it to make sure. We quickly went through something like the reinforcing process we like using on the start or end of days that I'm in charge, us both being in the 'control room' head space but neither of us being in the pilot/co-pilot seats.. Then he went and sat down in pilot, me in co-pilot and he said out loud to both of us, our brain and whatever else was listening, a few times, that "I am [actual name], she is Rei.  I am in front, she is beside me. I am sitting in the body, she is sitting in the mind".

 

It was a strange thing to do but we just woke up and were confused so whatever, the point is it worked (or we just finally woke up and our minds cleared up, lol).

 

tl;dr Ff you two get blendy, go through some kind of grounding/reinforcing thing just to make it clear. I know you said you guys don't really use a formal exchange scenario for it and just normally juggle the front (sometimes accidently) like we do, but it can be handy. At least in our case, I guess our brain/subconscious/whatever picks up on the intent and it becomes super clear.

[Xarbern]

-Day 26-

Progress has been slow and I've been going back and forth with doubt. Mostly because of my insecurity I suppose. I know Matsuri is there but I'm sometimes doubting myself. I can't stop finding connections with what I know about behavioral science and tulpas so it becomes like a toxic fight over mindset. I think to myself if I would be happier with Matsuri if I didn't study behavioral, they share so much so it's hard to not doubt. I'm not sure if I'm slowly getting in a down spiral but Matsuri seems to know more about me than I do so if we take her word: I'm probably bored(?) Don't know what that's supposed to mean but it feels like she meant something deeper. Should I do something else to stop thinking too much about toxic thoughts? That's what I'm getting.

 

Let's start with our wonderland set-up we have now. It's based on the Orca cockpit from Elite Dangerous but sometimes it's the Imperial Clipper because the similar layout. We use the seats to symbolize who's the dominant in front (thanks for the tip, Reilyn) but we seem to skip it most of the time because we always jump in and out when we want. There's a door in the back that leads to wherever we want it to go, but it seems like it have taken a 'permanent' form of a room with a sofa and TV for some reason (I blame Matsuri for it because she really likes it that way, I'm glad).

 

We tried strengthening Matsuri's mindvoice with the help of symbolizing a mic that would make her voice louder (again thanks Reilyn) and it worked. We then put microphones on the cockpit dashboard. She's normally more vocal when she's fronting so it would be nice for it to be consistent. Works better now but it's more clear when she's front.

 

Not much else to add. I'm down for switching but it seems to be difficult for us. Heard recorded hypnosis is good for that but the times I've actually managed to get into trance state, it's never been effective.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Maybe she would be less tired if I didn't keep sending 2000 word PMs for you guys to ponder over, lol. This last one felt a bit long, even for me. >_<

[Matsuri]

Daaayyy 28! WOO ALMOST A WHOLE MONTH! (darn imaginary numbers above 24)

 

Soo... I'm writing this.. yay? Anyway! Xar is pretty, well, sentimental, depressed? I'm not sure but let's not derail from the topic. I have been the dominant one almost every time! Only exceptions basically are important stuff and sometimes he took over when he felt uneasy, defense mode or something. 

 

We bringed back Xar's old tulpa he had when he was younger. It was pretty much my judgment and I thought it could be fun. Xar said before that we may learn from each other because Luna (her name) was pretty well developed at the time. She's basically around 7 years old or even older but I guess she has a lot to catch up on. Oh her latest form was literally Luna from mlp and she apparently choosed it herself from being completely formless and nameless. 

 

It almost feels like I'm becoming the host for two tulpas. I don't know really what to do, I'm just trying to do what's best for us and Xar is pretty downmoody now because of some sudden life 'problems'.