Unicorn Cavalry's Journey | Season 2 currently airing!

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Oh wow, definitely let me know how that goes! Aww, I wish we could go shopping together and try on outfits.

[Xarbern]

So today I mark the day Matsuri just got fully vocal. Bye bye handicaps. Hello, next step; forming her voice so she sounds more "appropriate". Don't worry, I'm not making her change it against her will. Matsuri agrees that her voice should sound more feminine. She sounds like a guy now, one of my friends to be specific. 

 

Advice is highly welcomed because we both don't really know where to go from here. We can surely just listen to someone talk or sing till Matsuri gets the gist of it but it feels like it's not going somewhere right now. Any advice is highly appreciated. 

 

Oh hey! It's different in English. Maybe that's where we had the problem before? We didn't really think about the lingual part. Dunno but the Swedish voice is kinda mixing up with my normal English voice sometimes. What do?

 

 

 

EDIT: I should probably write about how it happened. 

 

Basically, I used my brain for once to use a skill I've been pretty scared to use before which is like editing memories. More precisely, lying to myself so it becomes believable. But instead of editing a memory, I did it with, well, me and/or Matsuri. It's hard to explain but I did my best.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Waaaait wait, used a skill to edit your memories? But instead edited you guys? This sounds highly useful! Try to explain more, maybe go into detail about what steps you took? Like, how can someone else do what you did??

 

Also, gratz on vocality! We have been chatting for so long I totes forgot about that. I've been extreeeemely stubborn on my own voice. If it doesn't sound and feel right to me then it's not happening. My stubbornness has made Lance get really good at figuring out the difference between our mind voices via nuance. When I talk out loud I'm usually smiling and excited and without even thinking about it talk with a bit higher pitch and lisp a bit on my "S" sounds, so I sound more different from him then what we thought. You'd have to hear both of us talk back to back to really understand the differences. He is super shy about that kind of thing though so good luck on that.

 

One of the things I'm gonna do as soon as I switch is get you in a voice call, Matsi. When Lance is out of the picture (for a little while, of course) it's my body, my rules and my decision what to be shy about or not. Joint decisions for life choices and personal information, sure, but me talking to you? Nah. Only reason I don't do it now is because it still doesn't "feel" like my voice. I still wonder if I'm gonna end up waiting years till we are fluent in Japanese and that will be my real voice, hehe. :P

[Matsuri]

Here's what I could find about deceiving yourself. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201508/the-psychology-self-deception?amp

 

Not really sure how to consciously induce it from not knowing how to consciously inducing it but I would guess that you just need to be self conscious and observe when you accidentally start to deceive yourself. 

 

Xar have gotten a lot of fake memories popping up but he spots them and unfakes them or whatever. Guess it comes from the post trauma. I'm hundo % sure everyone can do it knowingly. Try editing memories by pure intent, like lying to yourself. That should be a good starting point. Or try Google something like "self deception" or something something something..

 

 

From psychology today about self deception:

Repression can be thought of as ‘motivated forgetting’: the active, albeit unconscious, ‘forgetting’ of unacceptable drives, emotions, ideas, or memories. Repression is often confused with denial, which is the refusal to admit to certain unacceptable or unmanageable aspects of reality. Whereas repression relates to mental or internal stimuli, denial relates to external stimuli. That said, repression and denial often work together, and can be difficult to disentangle.

 

Repression can also be confused with distortion, which is the reshaping of reality to suit one’s inner needs. For instance, a person who has been beaten black and blue by his father no longer recalls these traumatic events (repression), and instead sees his father as a gentle and loving man (distortion). In this example, there is a clear sense of the distortion not only building upon but also reinforcing the repression.

[Xarbern]

Ptsd and everything that happens in life at the moment is doing stuff to me lately. Getting symptoms of some form of psychosis. 

 

[hidden] 

I'm getting a lot of hints of something coming up lately. Thoughts are randomly getting overwritten with other thoughts, conversations with random thoughtforms based on people close to me is popping up no matter what. Meditation is literally impossible lately and is getting harder and harder by time. Let's not forget self-deception which has started to happen automatically more often than ever. (just writing this was like a fight over brain) 

 

Matsuri is really trying to help which means a freakin' lot. I'm honestly scared and excited at the same time. For whatever is happening. [/hidden] 

 

We'll definitely try some stuff if it gets worse, like.. I don't know, Matsuri can maybe write better atm.

 

Oh no no no. We share brain and I'm sure it's not better on my part. Gosh the brain is sooo advanced! Writing something without losing focus is impossible. Being imposed feels much better than fronting. Head feels bleh. We'll definitely have to take a break from this if it gets worse. 

 

There was a big tic tac thingy imposed from nowhere and it changed to the Nordea logo. Now it's back to tic tac.. At least there's no really negative effects going on yet. Stock market graphs is right above us which is oddly creepy. Anyway, break time!

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Huuuh.. Have you guys tried focusing on that stuff and changing/channeling it into something useful? Like, I dunno, happy balloons or parts of your guys head space or whatever? Even if seeing stuff is weird, if you can take advantage of that somehow and make it work for you, might be some kind of blessing in disguise? How is the imposing going btw, can you guys both feel each other and stuff?

[Matsuri]

Mildly private stuff copied from one of my lotpw posts. 

A war inside our head, mental ice age, whatever you want to call it. It's maybe the worst thing I've experienced yet. Well, it seems like I'm the one about to fall in a downspiral soon, while Xar is recovering from one. How would Xar explain to someone like a psychologist who have no idea about tulpamancy? "Hi! So, I'm getting better while the girl I share head with is getting worse". I feel bleh and it's probably affecting Xar like his bleh affected me. Dual processed PTSD? Sounds even more bleh. 

 

A solution for our life problems seems to be happening just to look at the bright side. We both agree with that and change but right now, we just have to cope with everything as it is. 

 

The thing Reily mentioned sounds like a good idea but didn't really work out for us. Well, the worst things are over now anyway so whatever. :) 

 

See you all later! 

[Guest]

I hope you the best of course, so if things are on the mend, then that's a wonderful thing!

 

The things we did for B was to stop him from beating himself up, once he stopped doing that, we needed to convince him that not everything is his fault. I know this sounds odd, but it's just intrusive thoughts that he was accepting over and over. He never accepted them for any of us.

 

Xar, you may need to do this for Matsuri.

 

Next it was finding someone to confide in and bounce ideas off, because we certainly exhaused our abilities as different points of view, he just sort of started ignoring us after a while, but i have never been where he was mentally, so i couldn't fault him for that. A few dear friends he could trust basically pointed out his faults, and that was the best medicine for us because then we knew what to work on.

 

Then we got some help from people who did this sort of thing, and they reiterated that we needed to fight those thoughts, all of us began to help him fight. We stopped ignoring it, that got us nowhere.

 

Then it was a matter of letting time heal him, but also we had to thicken his skin because every little thing was setting him off. After that filtering experience, he became amazingly strong.

 

Good luck, you're in our prayers.

 

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

My bestie definitely has someone to confide anything in. If I could be right beside her and just hold her tight and cry away all the pain and confusion together I would. An ache in your heart is an ache in my heart, Matsi and chatting with you and letting you know how much I love you and Xar is unfortunately about all I'm capable of right now, so.. No matter what happens, remember you can talk to me, cling to me, ramble and scream at me, I'll be whatever you need me to be if it helps you even a little bit. Love you! <3

[Ranger]

When I front, sometimes Cat's anxiety gets to me. Although, this is an ongoing issue that I have taught myself to be more resistant to well before I was fronting. Both of us benefited a lot when we developed better strategies for dealing with intrusive/dark thoughts.

 

One time I was effected recently, I felt a sudden surge of anxiety and fear and it came from no where. Cat recognized I was upset and scared, so she walked upstairs and did what she would do to herself when anxious- take a cold wet rag and dab her face, and then take her hand fan and create a breeze to evaporate the water and help cool off. It felt really good and it was extremely relaxing. I bounced back pretty quickly after a little while.

 

It seems like the same methods Cat can use to cope can be used to help me as well, but ultimately we're different people and I process anxiety differently than Cat does even though it comes from the same stupid brain. Cat sometimes thinks of both as safeties. If Cat gets super anxious, I can talk her down, and If I get super anxious, she can cuddle me and help me feel better. It's okay if one of you feels more rattled than the other, and both of you can work together to get through it.