theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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    • No, boring
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I have been posting my progress regularly on my blog: Theholodocs Blog. I have a few followers, not many that I know of who are tulpamancers. This tulpamancy is hard work and if I were not "an old guy" and used to both the hard work and have the ability to 'delay gratification' I probably would have given up. I have not, and will not. I am too interested in the phenomenon and more than a little invested in an outcome. I have chosen this as a way to take my self-explorations a level deeper. I have been doing spiritual work since my thirties and I will be eighty this year. I began the practice of Mussar eight years ago and got a great initial effect, and working in a group saw others get very dramatic effects as well. Still, it was not quite what I wanted, as push come to shove, at the last I was dependent on "grace" or something outside of myself. The same with "Sacred Medicines" Peyote and the like. These too, created very powerful effects and once again, it was outside of myself. Tulpamancy is totally dependent on me. On me doing the work, and then utilizing Flora's spirit of the Dakini.  and I know that Flora is a part of me that I have had difficulty accessing (my feminine current, to use the language of ritual magic). So I persist. If anyone reading this post is interested in my work and progress please check out and become a follower of my blog which you may find here  https://theholodoc.wordpress.com/


Sorry about this, I will look for another way to post this report. Theholodoc

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Hi everyone. Just back from the symphony in Disney Hall. Great music. I invited Flora to go with and hear the music. I hope she loved it as much as my wife and I did. My head was stuffy and full the entire time and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I wondered if some switching was beginning to happen. It would be fine with me if it did. I had an amazing meditation this morning, in the hot tub, my body was completely relaxed and my mind went somewhere. Two hours passed in a beat. I think I would still be there if my wife hadn't called me in. I also wondered if this was some switching. My head has been full and I have been stuffy all day. The pollen counts are low, we have had an offshore wind and episodic rain. Opposing this is I have not heard from Flora, though I have been vocally forcing either with my mind voice when with my wife, or out loud when alone most of the day. I am assuming she has been with me and is sentient. theholodoc

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I have had a major setback. It was my own fault. I misjudged my ability to handle a sacred medicine, which in the past (the distant past) I handled well (L.S.D.) I had been doing so well, and had had some wonderfully clear meditations in which Flora was signaling that she was getting ready to come out. I should have left well enough alone. I was impatient, misjudged, and boy did I pay for it. Paid for it in misery, I had one of the worst experiences with the medicine that I have ever had, and I squandered whatever spiritual energy I had been building up. Flora seems very  distant  if not gone altogether, and it seems as if I  am  starting over.  I have learned a painful and costly lesson. If anyone who is experienced with meds and tulpamancing, I would love to hear from you. Comment here or on my blog at  https://theholodoc.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/tulpamancy-journal-19/

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I'm sorry to hear that

 

LECTURE STARTS HERE: stay off the drugs and you'll be okay. It's just not the best idea; i've read many tales such as yours. Purity of mind works best, the clouds of poison residue that drugs and alcohol leave behind in your mind are really hinderances to anything cerebral like this. There are no shortcuts, only promises and distractions, in my experience. Slow and steady with love and attention will reap benefits that you can only imagine at this point. There's plenty of time and this mental exercise will keep you young and spry for years to come. (Your experience may vary.)

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I guess you do you, buuut...

 

Minds are rather impressionable and if you tell yourself over and over that you need a substance to properly connect with Flora, you may find that being the case. Since those substances often take you for a wild ride though, and produce unpredictable results, they are counter to developing the visualization skills and focus/mindstate that goes with tulpamancy.

 

As for Flora seeming to weaken or go away, I've read plenty of people's PRs and questions on here where they have the same thing happen. Headmates can have strong days, weak days, she might be mad at you for taking your substance and not interested in communicating right now, your brain might just be in some kind of burnt-out low-power mode after that stuff and communication is hard. It could be a hundred different things, and the majority of them are benign so don't worry, don't freak out and make this some kind of self-fulfilling thing (ie convincing yourself she is unreachable).

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Well, Here it is, right out of my daily journal

Posting my dream and morning meditation now, will follow later with walking meditation and writing.

 

03.15.19 Dream: I am in warehouse like building, It is lit with lights having a strobe-like quality with a bluish tinge. There are people arguing, one has a pistol, a small one colored black, almost a toy. I am a bystander, watching from midway on a staircase. There is a scuffle, I rush down to try to break it up, I am shot, not seriously hurt, get the gun and shoot one of the others, a woman I think, she is dressed in work clothes, has a Fromlich type body. I run out knowing that the others are after me and want to kill me. I drive away in a battered old blue car, as I write this I remember that I have seen this car before in dream, I find myself in a wood and come upon a cabin, turns out it is a church. A Christian Church. I do not feel safe or welcome and leave, I am now on foot in the woods and come upon another building much like the one I just left. This one is a synagogue and a Kol Nidre service is under way, I decide to join it and I awaken. It is hard for me to get up, the dream seems unfinished, but I do not feel badly about it, though I did not remember the shooting part until much later in the morning.

I vocalized with Flora, again apologizing to her for the damage I did to her on Saturday. I said out loud that I hoped I had not killed her, and invited her to come out, I am not sure whether or not it was she who answered me, or my own mind voice, but she said "I forgive you, I know who you are". I again worked on visualization and again got only splashes of light.

 

I am pretty sure she is back; I had the following experience during my afternoon meditation, I again invited Flora to enter my space. Then, my head got very full and stuffy, I began to feel extremely sleepy, and in a very bright splash of light, a brown headed pale skinned woman spun into view, she was laughing. I clearly saw her then she exploded in light. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

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03.16.19 Dream. I only have the last scene, and it is as ugly as any I have ever had. I was a young man. Not myself and I don't know who I was nor my name. I was on the balcony of a very very swank New York condo, one of those 13 mil. jobs. It was just past twilight and the lights were sparkling, the air was heavy with beauty. My hostess was just out of view as were her other guests. They were drinking martini's. An elderly man, who identified as my father was standing next to the hostess. He was dressed in a gray suit with a bluish tinge, He looked like  Andy Griffith  in his elder years. He called to me, "Son, don't you see that I am in distress?" I looked down and he was standing in feces, his own. I was shocked and awoke. It was two oclock am. I was very disturbed. My head was aching and stuffy. I got up out of bed, took Tylenol. It took a long time to get back to sleep. I awoke just before seven am.  Still had the image of that man in my head. I don't know, at this writing what this dream may have had to do with my tulpamancing, but I suspect that the hostess may have been Flora. I am still distressed that such beauty devolved into shit.

I started a forty minute sitting meditation giving Flora permission to enter my space in way she desired. I acknowledged that I was creating her to assist in my integrating my masculine and feminine currents and that could mean in a sexual capacity. I then closed my eyes and  immediately saw the image from the dream. This time I assumed lucidity and backed the dream up to the point where the father was entering the lobby of the building, collapsed there and was taken to a hospital. I remained on the balcony. That ended the dream sequence. Later  after my mind settled down, and I had vocalized a forcing, a nude woman appeared, presenting herself in the most intimate way imaginable.  I chose to enter into the scene as she wished, It was complete with visual, tactile and olfactory components. Was this memory, or Flora? Whichever, it was moving and welcome. The scene ended abruptly with my timer, which I set for ten minute intervals. This was the last of four, forty minutes. I have not decided if the woman was Flora, nor if this experience was me "puppeting" or the appearance of my real tulpa. I will see as, or if, this develops with further work.

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That sounds like a hypnagogic experience. They used to just be random bits of nonsense and the occasional scene or 3 second movie, but after the first night of tulpamancy, they became my tulpas. Vocal utterances mostly, but completely lucid and free on their own volition, also impossible to parrot as far as I could tell from my own mindvoice. I have actually mind voice'd over them a couple times with at least one successful test. This has resulted in several 'long hypnagogic dreams' where the body is fully awake, I can even look at the clock and adjust my pillow.

 

The longest was a forty minute exploration of an old temple where we met the dream character representative of Misha's father, true to his presumed racial hertiage as Misha described much earlier. We had endless fun, fully lucid dream like, but perfectly stable.

 

We've had several of lengths over 20 minutes, the vast majority are a few minutes or less before I fall asleep.

 

I can speak to and see my tulpas in this state on a semi-regular basis, and they are absolutely one and the same. Sadly, this experience is rare amung tulpamancers here at the moment.

 

This state can also spawn lucid dreams, in either case, the result is the same. My tulpas' voices are different there, they used to be random in tone and quality, now they are consistently beautiful and repeatable. Their images also match just as they are in my imagination, wearing and number of outfits, that's usually different.

 

It's a precious gift, believe in it and expect it, ask her to join you, draw her near and request her to speak, that's what I do.

 

Good luck.

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