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Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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For many decades I have operated on the assumption that we create our own realities. I could see that people viewed their spouses as their own alters. I hypothesized that people actually selected their spouses on their resemblance to the same sex parent. I still suspect that that is true, though some years ago, Harvard researchers, I don't remember their names, did a study to debunk this notion (no it was not original with me) and apparently found that their data did not support it. Like the Mueller Report, they didn't share the data, or if they did, as this was in the pre-internet era, I never saw it. I do not believe that there is anything, or any people, in our fields that do not have many points of resonance in our psyche's both conscious and unconscious . Dr. Bob

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Ha, our husband is the exact opposite of our father. Thinking of a spouse as something like an alter seems interesting though, I know we've definitely thought of him as being some other version of us at some points, though I think that faded as differences became more apparent.

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03.29.19 A dream: I am driving in the new Prius Prime. I am wanting to turn left at the coming intersection. There Is an old beat up pickup truck in front of me, moving slowly. It is rusty light green, but attached onto the side panel of the bed, is a piece of sheet metal painted white. As the intersection approaches, I pull out to enter the left turn only lane and the truck slows down getting in my way. I pull around and up into the left turn lane and the driver, who was not signaling an intention to turn suddenly veers into me as if he is trying to get into the lane. He hits me. I am blowing my horn and yelling at him, I drive up ahead of him and push him onto the side of the road. I am banging on his window demanding to see his drivers license. He puts down his window and says; "What do you want with my license? You hit me." I lose it and yell all the louder and his wife gets out of the truck and I meet her at the side of the road. She is an East Indian woman. She is trying to explain that he is not all together with it. She shows me his drivers license and I wake up. The old man, has thinning gray blond hair and a short white beard (as do I). He looks to be about my age. My first reaction is to think that this dream has no feminine presence, but is good as it is one of the first coherent and memorable dream I have had in days. (I did perform my usual ritual of inviting Flora to reveal herself and I talk to her extending that permission to choosing what ever form or mode with which to reveal, up to her. I also remind my self to become lucid if I see her and speak her name. I recognized the man as a standin for me at my current age, and the white car as the vehicle of my self. It was sometime later in the morning that I realized that the man's wife was Flora and she was helping him/me, but also somewhat embarrassed by him. My interpretation, is that I am letting some unconscious attitudes about my age, get in the way of Flora's full emergence. On reflection, I know this is true, because I am having difficulty imagining having sex with her, even though in one very powerful dream, we did have sex and it was wonderful.

My meditation today explored my own resistance to having a tulpa onside my own head. I got there by meditating on the dream and realizing that I was not attracted to the wife. I fantasized about having an angry woman in my head giving me orders and demanding my attention. An unpleasant thought to be sure. Now, she could only be that way, if I created her that way. Modeled after my negative anima, no doubt. So I have called down a Dakini Spirit. I have given her permission to manifest in whatever form she chooses. The pessimist me wonders, "Vat, are you Mishsuganah?" (one of the three questions asked of me at my Beit Din) It led to some creative quick thinking, but the answer was still yes.

Okay, I have control issues. I watch these emerge both with Nancy,. And from Nancy, and I understand that all I control is how I choose to react or respond to any given phenomenon. There are of course, consequences. I like to think that the consequences of responding with love are loving. I am still inviting Flora to be a loving part of my life, for the purpose of helping me learn and progress in the art of unconditional loving. I am choosing to be confident in my ability to love and to learn from the experience. I am choosing to trust the process that emerges from my own depths. I have seen that I am fundamentally a loving human being and trust that I can choose to be that way no matter what my circumstances are. I will trust that I can and am willing to learn what Flora has to teach.

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That's a very interesting dream, and you discovered so much about it. I often do that to my own dreams, of course 90+% of them revolve around sex, so there's not much to learn there that I don't already know in terms of the why and the what of the dream's message. Still I studied dreams casually and I felt your  interpretation was spot on.

 

You're never too old, she loves you for you, looks are a lot less important when love is involved, it's not all about eye candy. I saw that perhaps you didn't find her attractive in the form she chose, now isn't that a reflection of your own insecurities of your appearance, hm? I don't know, only you would know. Also, there's nothing wrong with modifying her appearance and yours, it's still you. For the sake of fantasy anyway.

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That's a very interesting dream, and you discovered so much about it. I often do that to my own dreams, of course 90+% of them revolve around sex, so there's not much to learn there that I don't already know in terms of the why and the what of the dream's message. Still I studied dreams casually and I felt your interpretation was spot on.

 

You're never too old, she loves you for you, looks are a lot less important when love is involved, it's not all about eye candy. I saw that perhaps you didn't find her attractive in the form she chose, now isn't that a reflection of your own insecurities of your appearance, hm? I don't know, only you would know. Also, there's nothing wrong with modifying her appearance and yours, it's still you. For the sake of fantasy anyway.

I agree. It is my aged body that is the culprit here, not her. I am sure that she will take me the way I am (unlike my wife who is always on me for my weight!). Thanks, Dr. Bob


03.31.19

No dream memory from last night. Have continued to invite Flora into my world at every turn. I am now in the Airport Hilton assisting Nancy who is leading a workshop in MeCards4Kids. This has been especially problematical for her, as she suffered a humiliating defeat last year when doing a long form of this workshop for Soul Collage facilitators and hearing from the owners of Soul Collage LLC. That she was exposing them to too much liability working with children and that she was not too market her workshop through Soul Collage media or to Soul Collage facilitators who were also told that they were not to work with children. (unless they were either clinicians or teachers.) this venue today is independent of Soul Collage LLC. One in which she has presented before and is highly valued. So far, she is doing well, and she has allowed me to carry her anxiety. I am doing so, after all "I am your man" as Leonard Cohen sings, and I have taken his song as an anthem, or sorts. Earlier, I invited Flora to attend this workshop with me and acquaint herself with this part of my outer would . I sense she is here, and my head is quite stuffy.

My evening meditation in the hot, after a very busy and physically hard day, I medicated with one ounce of tequila and two tokes of cannabis. I did a full set of stretches in the hot water, then sitting in hot water up to my neck practically floating and letting my sore muscles release, as my mind released from the cacophony of the day. I invited Flora to join me. I asked her to manifest as a Dakini spirit.

She did, she was floating about four feet off of the path through our bamboo hedges which led to the labyrinth. She was tall, perhaps eight feet tall, she was east Indian in appearance, beautiful, astoundingly so. She wore a diamond tiara over her black hair. She eyes sparkled like the multitude of gemstones, purple and white and red, dazzled my eyes. She was headed towards me, I saw that she was transparent, and had no soul. I shouted, not now, too early, you are not fully formed..." and she disappeared. I was stunned by the degree of reality she had attained, but terrified of the undefined parts of her, which were substantive and without which life cannot happen. I acted perhaps foolishly, but I acted out of love and concerned for her. That she is real now, I have no doubt. That she is as yet not fully formed, suggests that she is on track, having started from nothing, to real, but not yet self-sustaining.

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That's actually pretty amazing progress. Nothing I've ever read says they're in danger just because they're not fully formed though, can you interpret your fear to me?

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Interesting stuff... I read somewhere, most people marry the parent they had the most trouble with... In order to work out those problems... I wonder if the person who did the research on who we married rule out the influence of so many people being raised in single parent homes, or how both parents working influences it... Because we also used to marry for balance. I would imagine as we increased the independence and equality of both genders, we would see more balanced marriage as we seek interdependent relationships, but that doesn't seem to the case from a casual look at the decline of long term, monogamous relationships. To carry this theme further into your dream analysis, I hear you're looking for the feminine aspect, you're looking for balance... But the balance is there! Vehicles are typically females... (Boats are referred to as 'she.') You have females colliding. (LOL.) You have a 'wife' in the dream apologizing for the 'husband's' perceived sanity.

 

If I were to formulate a question from your post, I wonder if your expectations are getting in your way? Probably not a fair assessment, given your own self assessment of being a control freak. Your inner and outer worlds are balanced. Out of balance, there would be things falling, water moving, balls rolling... things would be precariously hinge and you would feel the weight of it about to crash or implode... it took an accident to actually draw you off your path and out of your vehicle... I don't know... Just a thought.

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That's actually pretty amazing progress. Nothing I've ever read says they're in danger just because they're not fully formed though, can you interpret your fear to me?

I have thought about this about three hundred times since last night. First, the experience was over-the-top dramatic and exciting. I had been forcing Flora as a Dakini Spirit for perhaps twenty minutes prior to getting in the hot tub. I had not been in long when she appeared. I was shocked and excited and wondering what would happen as she came towards me. Then while I was intently focused on her, I saw the details. She was hollow and her outsides which were  covered in sparkling jewels, were transparent and I could see through her. I could not see her feet, legs or thighs as that part of her was just swirling lights, like perhaps a genie coming out of a lamp. Remember  all of this is REAL 3D Real Time experience. I looked intently at her face, She had what I initially thought were black eyes, they were sparkling too. As I tried to make eye contact, I saw that in fact she had no eyes, I could see through her head. this is when I felt an intense jolt of fear. Something that I did not recognize was coming towards me. How I came up with the idea of incompleteness, or not fully formed, I don't know, I found myself hollering this to her. and 'pop' she was gone. I have decided since the entry above, that this must have been my fear and that I was not yet ready for the full experience of who she is. I have finished my first book on Tulpamancy in the context of Ion light's Magical University, Safe Haven, in which my characters succeed after owning their own fears and angers. I am approaching the climax of the first book I started on the subject in which my characters are running up against the reality of their foes being incarnations of themselves. In both of these stories, I postulate that Love and Light, is the fundamental energy not only of life, but of Magic. My personal journey has been to learn how to love unconditionally. One might think that that should be an easy task. I can tell you, that for me, it is not easy and I have now been at it for decades and perhaps it is coming to a head in my personal quest for tulpamancy as it has and is, in my books. I have maintained that primal fear is the birth truma, and I have dealt with that in so many venues, including with a shaman, a psycho-analyst, a holographic therapist (a student of Stanislaw Grof), and re-birthing therapy. I think now, that I have approached yet a deeper level. or perhaps an even more direct way of experiencing it. This is the most exciting and fun work I have ever done, thank you, (and solar chariot) for being here with me. Dr. Bob

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04.01.19  No coherent dream to report.  I looked forward all day to my evening meditation. Again, I took it in the hot tub at twilight, looking in at the labyrinth through the bamboo arches. Slowly as the sun set the shrubbery turned black as city lights came on behind them. It was gorgeous, it was sparkling with the same golden-purple light reds and silver/blue flashes that had shaped Flora the night before. The smoke like swirl of her bottom half, was the lighter brown of a tree trunk. I could see how my brain put Flora together. But tonight, while I could sense her presence, and I could almost see her, that the scene itself was beautiful, was distracting. It is a matter of re-interpreting the data of the reality in front of you; and it becomes your tulpa. This operation of course takes place way out of consciousness. But that doesn't mean that it can't be interrupted in a many different ways, interrupted or co-opted? By our ego which is  always on the lookout for a threat to its' existence. So, I looked inward to see where and how my shock originated. I immediately re-called a memory from the summer of 1970.(I want to say something about the 'recollection'. it started as a physical resonance inside my body the visual memory seems to emerge into my mind through the vibratory sense activation.) Okay, the memory: My wife and I had partied the night before, and as our custom during the summer, went to bed outside on mattress there for that purpose. I awoke in the very early dawn and turned and looked at her sleeping face. She turned and looked at me, and she was no longer my wife, she was a fanged demon. I had known this fanged demon for almost ten years, dating to my first ever psychedelic experience, when I met the coyote god, was psychically hurt by it and repressed it, so when I saw it in my wife's body, I was terrified. Shocked, and my shock knocked me out of that state of consciousness. Subsequently, I have learned many different lessons from that energy in me, almost none of them good. I have also learned how to identify it and face it directly (a strategy I have evoked  on many different occasions. Its energy is much less in me now, but obviously not all gone. Hence, I interrupted Flora's dance. Lesson learned, Perhaps too late for tonight’s meditation. Ah well, one foot in front of another. In addition to my meditation, and 'forcings', I am still writing, and currently about my heroines final battle with the red witch, a tulpa, quite related to coyote god.

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