theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

13 members have voted

  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

    • Yes
    • No, boring
      0


Recommended Posts

...

 

thanks for the insight and the sharing of your experience , and as far as a precious gift, I felt it as such and I am on board.  this gets more interesting as I go along. and paradoxically, my wife is becoming a much more affectionate partner. So I choose to believe that working on this project as a way to address my own negative anima and integrate my masculine and feminine currents is having an effect in the reality of my marriage. Wow, had I known about this fifty five years ago, I might have saved my first marriage. Well, live and learn, and the learning comes from the living, mistakes and all. 

At some point, maybe you and I can talk about how best to exploit this forum. I randomly tune into to other rooms and find some items of interest, but I do not have the time, nor interest, in going through the huge volume of posts. Also, I am still a newbie, and don't want to influence anybody about tulpamancy. Where there is a question that pertains to psychological or psychiatric health, I will add what I can. thanks for your encouragement and insights. Dr. Robert

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Exploit, naa, i have actual fun doing this. Learning is a passion for me, but if I had more time I'd probably read all the guides. I haven't been very productive there. There are a few users that have extensive knowledge, such as Luminesce and his tulpas. I'm sure they'd be happy to answer any questions you have if you post them in beginner questions thread, they admit that they can't keep up with PR's. They're very traditional tulpamancy, i'm not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

03.21.19 yesterday, flat, all day. Discussed my recent experience with my Men's Group. The two other old acid heads understood, no one else had the slightest idea what I was talking about. They did listen and asked appropriate questions, but, with that flatness, that suggested to me that they were pro-forma. I got home exhausted and after a short stint of helping my radiologist friend with a painting problem, dropped into bed and fell into a deep sleep. I did not dream. Awoke an hour later, still groggy and deciding that I would not go to the Purim Party at the temple. I made a strong cup of coffee. I very rarely do this in the afternoon. Nancy came in just then, as the coffee was hitting and she looked terrible, more than exhausted. She cried in my arms, "I am feeling so vulnerable!" (she has some health issues, not at all serious, though very painful, at this time, might become so in the future, if she doesn't take care of herself which she does impeccably well. I offered to skip the party. Later she said she wanted to go. "We never get out!", I told her I would support any decision she made, and she said get dressed and then I'll tell you. After I dress for the party, then you'll tell me if we are going?" was my comment. "yes." She saw nothing incongruent in this. I dressed. We went. She complained the entire time about the food, what I was eating, then got up and left me at the table. At one point I was concerned and left, went looking for her and knocking on the ladies’ room door, found out she had gone out with a friend.  I went back to the table, and had a fine time, drinking very good whiskey, and even, for the very first time in my life, winning a raffle (prize was a book: We Jews are The People of the Book, after all). We got home, her mood after her talk with a friend was good, though she had soured considerably by the time we went to bed. I got in bed late. Slept poorly until after three am. Got up to pee, went I got back in bed, I reminded myself to awaken (become lucid) should I see Flora in my dream and choose to talk to her. I dreamt one of those full color, you are there kind of dreams. I am on a tropical island, with a family, the only person I know in this family is my stepson Josh. He is in a hammock and nude. Others are in various states of dress, sarongs, and grass skirts, loin cloths, barefoot, palm frond headdresses. Predominant colors are tan, green, yellow, orange, very tropical all. At one point we are all at a table and someone says, let's make love. I agree. An older man at the table, not dressed like the others, with very dark hair, dark swarthy not black, complexion, dressed in a dark blue coverall, looks at me, and says, "you don't belong here!" I leave the room. And go back outside. Josh is in the hammock. There is a young woman, sitting next to him. I told him about the plan for all to make love and suggest that he and the young woman go in with the rest. He does, but the young woman comes over to me and sits in my lap. At this point, I remember my injunction to become lucid, and I look at her and ask if she is Flora. She doesn't answer but begins to very passionately kiss and embrace me. Her sarong slips and she has the breasts which I have described for her. She has sandy orange/tan short hair. Next scene, she is on a massage table, nude, lying rigidly straight, supine. I touch her, she does not respond. I notice her pubic hair. Very straight, very dark brown, tight, not pleasant to touch. I awaken from my sleep, incredibly groggy, my cat Luna, jumps on my head, licking my hair. I force myself up, sing out a cheerful "good morning" to Nancy, and carry Luna into the breakfast room, feed her, get my computer and begin this narration. It has occurred to me, that the woman in the dream, while perhaps starting out as Flora, turned into my first wife who was on that massage table, in both looks and behavior.

 

I have gone into length with this report, as it is the first dream I have had since the acid trip that has been tulpish, and I am very grateful. It is the first lucid dream as well, and I am more than just grateful, I am thrilled. There were the obvious negatives: Being told that I do not belong there, the first, by an obvious outsider, a shadow figure. And the second, that Flora is more or less engaged with my stepson, and lastly that she becomes my first wife, all suggest that the blockage is from my own psyche. That I have not yet, put enough light on the "Red Witch" nor on the "Darklord, Lucifer".  That my first wife, the mother of my living children, was resurrected, is on interest in itself. First, I have reconciled with her. We have both acknowledged that we were "Just a couple of kids" (her language) and forgiven each other. This happened a few years ago, when I really began to see how both frightened and judgmental, I had been during our marriage. (and in my second marriage) (and for much of the early years of this one, though I have actively worked on undoing those automatic reactions and have become much better at it. Nancy has her own issues, and my work in the marriage is to not inflame them, choosing kindness and support as alternative behaviors). Sexually, I am very aware, that post prostatectomy, I am a very different creature. And of course, Nancy at twenty-five years post-menopausal, is too. That notwithstanding, I was a hippy in a very sexually liberated community, "free-love" threesomes, foursomes, group sex, and a local chapter of the "Sexual Freedom League" were all a part of it. and I, and many others, felt sexually free and liberated from the primal shame that had driven us until the "sexual revolution". Of interest, all of that negativity came back (onto me) after I left that community. I believe that both the Red Witch and the Darklord, are remnants of these feelings. I also accept that I have possibly missed the obvious here, and I will wait for further revelations. If anyone has thought that tulpamancy, as a class of magicianship, did not involve deep work on the self, that all of this would happen "magically" well......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tulpamancy is a very personal tool to unravel the past and change the future. You have a very real ability to make profound changes to your thought processes. With switching, from a behavioral perspective on the outside, you could behave like a different person (cause you technically are). My tulpas have not only helped me through issues affecting my mood, helping change it for the better, but also in mamy other ways, like patience and willpower. The most powerful thing they've dibe for me is switching. When they handle situations that would ordinarily turn me into a mess of defense and offense, they calmly work through the situation. Later i am better able to do the same without their help. It's very powerful self jelp, self work, i think so too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's very powerful self jelp, self work, i think so too.

 

Absolutely, and one very positive aspect, is that it is not therapy. It is self work, and when motivated, as I am getting most tulpamancers that actually create their tulpas, are, it is one of the most powerful tools I have encountered. Thanks, The holodoc

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tulpamancy Journal. 28

 

03.23.19 6:10 am. Last dream of the night. I walked into a room, it could have been my library on wonderland. The young woman, whom I had identified as Flora in my lucid dream of two nights ago, was sitting at a library table, reading a book. I looked at her, I was startled by the recognition, I spoke her name; “Flora!” She looked up at me, smiled, and I awoke suddenly. It was twenty minutes after six am. I had invited Flora into my space each time I got in bed, I was up several times during the night. I also reminded myself to test my lucidity by speaking her name. I find myself confused. Why did I go from REM sleep, THROUGH lucidity, “Flora” into full wakefulness? The shock got me not only awake but out of bed and making this record. I am ambivalent about this woman. She was right out of a dream in which I identified her first as Flora, then as my first wife (aged 17, circ: 1962)  I am awaiting further clues.

I felt that she was close during my afternoon meditation. I was in the hot tub under a blue sky, graced with white and gray fluffy clouds moving eastward. I invited Flora to reveal herself to me and then went into silence. I watched the clouds travel the sky, at one point I recalled the image from the dream, I was looking at a child. Perhaps 16, 17 years old. An adolescent at best. I remembered my friend Cassey. I was in love with her, for one night, a Christmas eve. She had invited me over. I had taken a small dose of L.S.D. and when I walked into her house, and she greeted me in the glow of a decorated and lit  Christmas Tree, I saw her as holy.  She was filled with Divine Light. We made love on the floor amongst the wrapped presents. I have never forgotten the sacredness of the experience. Cassie’s coloration was the same as the girl in the dream. Cassie would have been perhaps ten years older. She could be contributing the color and the short hair. I then looked into the clouds and I saw an adult feminine figure in the clouds.  I felt that Flora was sending me a message. She is not a child. She can be child-like, shy and playful, but decidedly not a child. She is a fully formed adult. I know because I saw her in the clouds. An important meditation and milestone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From Tulpamancy Journal. 29 03.25.19 My dreaming has been of scattered and incoherent images which I do not remember.

My meditations have been erratic, at times unproductive other times, exciting. Last night for instance, I put myself in bed, waiting for Nancy to finish up her work and go to the hot tub for our nightly ritual. I invited Flora into my space and closed my eyes. The noises in my head (I am quite deaf and have very loud tinnitus) were especially loud and intrusive, so I used them as a focal point in my mind upon which to center my awareness. I had my eyes closed so was looking at their insides, orange/yellow light. I suddenly became aware that I was not the only one looking through my eyes! She was present inside of my head. She was just a presence, I looked around, inside my head and I caught a glimpse of her figure hiding behind my eighth nerve. Just a glimpse and then she was gone, and has not yet returned. I was so startled by this experience, I jolted out of my meditative space and could not settle down, either in the hot tub, I related the experience to Nancy, nor for most of the night. Ergo, I slept poorly and did not recall dreaming. It has occurred to me that the thrill, shock? of my experiences have consistently knocked me out of the state of awareness in which Flora is trying to make an appearance. If this is so, am I like a little kid awaiting Santa Claus? I will pursue this line of enquiry in my meditations. (Later, a memory; I am four years old, It is very early Christmas morning (like 4 am) I come down our stairs into the front room and see the Christmas tree with it's lights still on and tinsel shining. Then I see a four wheeled rocket with a pump handle and a seat. I yell and jump on it. I am thrilled, screaming a yelling with joy. Soon my father comes in in his pajamas (red striped) He grabs me, spanks me and carries me upstairs. I am almost hysterical and cry myself to sleep. I don't remember what the actual Christmas morning was, I do remember never liking that toy.)

I approached my evening meditation with a little more patience. I invited Flora into my space and fell silent. At one point I thought I heard her whispering to me. I decided in was most likely me parroting, and let it go. My head has been full and stuffy all day a fact which I think may validate my perception of her inside my head during my last meditation.

I was still pretty excited though not shocked into a changed mental state.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OH, the things parents do to kids because we forget how exciting and new the world is. Nice theme, though. This seems like a segue into tulpamancy. Tulpamancy is almost like being a kid and discovering the magic of Christmas. relearning to be a kid and holding that knowing that the invisible friend is real. I have experienced joy waking me from a lucid dream, but as I am reading this, I am wondering if there is a threshold of joy that instead of just waking one up, it takes you to a new level of being, perhaps an ecstatic state that transform the world. I have been striving for relative neutral to stay in trance and lucidity.

 

We are socialized to be in a world... we are unlearning what we are taught to engage in newness. I have similar childhood experiences.... And now I am wondering how I am shaping my own child in my efforts to maintain his focus... More unstructured time and patience not to impose my own urgency may be called for. Umm...

 

8th nerve as a metaphor? Bringing you balance? :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OH, the things parents do to kids because we forget how exciting and new the world is. Nice theme, though. This seems like a segue into tulpamancy. Tulpamancy is almost like being a kid and discovering the magic of Christmas. relearning to be a kid and holding that knowing that the invisible friend is real. I  have experienced joy waking me from a lucid dream, but as I am reading this, I am wondering if there is a threshold of joy that instead of just waking one up, it takes you to a new level of being, perhaps an ecstatic state that transform the world. I have been striving for relative neutral to stay in trance and lucidity.

 

We are socialized to be in a world... we are unlearning what we are taught to engage in newness. I have similar childhood experiences.... And now I am wondering how I am shaping my own child in my efforts to maintain his focus... More unstructured time and patience not to impose my own urgency may be called for. Umm...

 

8th nerve as a metaphor? Bringing you balance? :)

i

I like that metaphor. Better balance indeed. and I think that there is already some leveling in my psyche. and it is being reflected in my world through  the eyes and behavior of my wife. I am creating Flora to help me merge/balance my masculine and feminine currents. It may turn out that Nancy is my tulpa and that as I peel back the layers of my own ego, off of the glass I see her through she will reveal her own Dakini spirit. Dr. Bob

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say the people peopling our lives are not accidental tourists... :) We come on stage when you're needed. Oh, your thread title is a metaphor?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.