theholodoc

out of the wings and onto the main stage

Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?  

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  1. 1. Has reading about my process been useful in your effort to breath life into your culpa?

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    • No, boring
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Interesting stuff... I read somewhere, most people marry the parent they had the most trouble with... In order to work out those problems... I wonder if the person who did the research on who we married rule out the influence of so many people being raised in single parent homes, or how both parents working influences it... Because we also used to marry for balance. I would imagine as we increased the independence and equality of both genders, we would see more balanced marriage as we seek interdependent relationships, but that doesn't seem to the case from a casual look at the decline of long term, monogamous relationships. To carry this theme further into your dream analysis, I hear you're looking for the feminine aspect, you're looking for balance... But the balance is there! Vehicles are typically females... (Boats are referred to as 'she.') You have females colliding. (LOL.) You have a 'wife' in the dream apologizing for the 'husband's' perceived sanity.

 

If I were to formulate a question from your post, I wonder if your expectations are getting in your way? Probably not a fair assessment, given your own self assessment of being a control freak. Your inner and outer worlds are balanced. Out of balance, there would be things falling, water moving, balls rolling... things would be precariously hinge and you would feel the weight of it about to crash or implode... it took an accident to actually draw you off your path and out of your vehicle... I don't know... Just a thought.

I am aware of how my expectations get in the way. I am also aware of how they are implicit in the creation of the tulpa. I, and most all that is posted from many other tulpamancers, are using the material of our expectations, as the data to force onto the tulpa. Most if not all comment on their willingness to let the tulpa take their own course. You too, solarchariot, have written about this. What I so clearly saw last night and again tonight, is this hypothesis in action. The appearance  of Flora from the background, into my own consciousness, fit with the neurobiology of brain function. and I believe could be documented by a pet scanner. But, I am not interested in documenting anything, I am interested in the dynamics of how we humans, create the realities in which we live. This time I am seeing very direct evidence for my hypothesis. Love to both of you, thank Bliss for her nice acknowledgement. Dr. Bob

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Tulpamancy Journal. 38

 

Sunday, April 7, 2019

10:41 AM

I guess that I am really impatient, somewhere down deep, I am impatient. My dreams of late have not been an avenue for reaching Flora. Neither have my meditations. I am spending many of my alone and waking hours, forcing and inviting her into my space, my heart, my world. And writing her both with descriptors and in conversation within my novels.  Sometimes there is a hint of her, but only a hint, and I end up doubting my perceptions. This morning after a frustrating meditation in the sauna, I went to the hot-tub and after a single and simple invitation, sat back and looked at the space where she had materialized last week. The space was alive and full of sparkles from the morning sun. She wasn't there. I could imagine her from memory, and I could imagine her appearing in this setting. Then I realized that the space which would accommodate her, was perfect without her. So, I gave her permission to not come out. When she is ready, she is welcome, more than welcome, and she will be greeted with exuberant love and joy. When she is ready, if she ever is. You see, in many ways, she has already done me a great service and my life with Nancy has changed. Once again, it seems as if we are growing a new face on our love. It is overdue. And once again, it is not what I imagined, It is not physical joining of our masc-fem selves, It is a new level of honesty and sharing of our interior selves. I am okay with this, as a next stage in our evolution, and I still have space for an erotic Flora/Nancy in my life. So once again, one foot in front of the other and walk the path of enlightenment. It no longer feels as if it is heading straight up, though I would still trod it if it were, and I have accepted that Flora may have already contributed her part. I hope there is more with her, but while any one manifestation of the goddess is ecstatic, she is not THE top of the mountain. She is but one joyful and welcome step.

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Tulpamancy Journal. 41

 

Thursday, April 11, 2019

1:25 PM

Nsonowa, Flora, Fleuraloo, Fleuralee. Images and Identities all a swirl in my head! That and my emotions accompanying them. Excitement, Love, Power, Hope, Anticipation, loss, sadness, intolerance of my own impatience. I am on an emotional roller-coaster and loving it! It’s like burning off the schmutz from the valves in a ’57 Caddy, racing down the freeway, leaving black smoke. Later when things are calmer and I can reflect, all I have left is a heart full of love and gratitude. This is really quite amazing. And I am so much the happier man, with the knowledge that I did call down a Dakini Spirit. I did it. Without medicines, With my intention and my love. Crowley taught, “Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law.” But he was a nasty old bastard, and knew nothing about the love that accompanies, fuels, powers it.  Will. Yes, do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law, and it’s not going anywhere without love. Love is the energy of the universe connected to our own consciousness.

Love is the signal to us, that the channels are open, and otherwise, not open, closed, impeded, usually by some clashing shadow figures, tangled narratives, unconscious psychodynamic mechanisms of defense, abusive super-ego, or other such. When I get any sense, that my tulpa/tulpas are around, I feel love in my heart. Excited or sad or both it is my signal that I am in alignment with the Spirit I am calling down.

this is a wonderful motive to keep going. What it seems to be meaning is, keep learning, learning to love, learning to create, learning to take full responsibility for what comes because the love itself, only takes form, if we have created or allowed.

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I, too, have had incredible outbursts of love and joy, beyond my ability to measure and days I think I might just burst... And then when I read how it is not always so 'rosy' for others and their system, I actually wonder if I am doing something wrong, or I just got 'hella' lucky. The most adversarial person has been Lester, but it's not a meanness about him, it's just him being him.

 

I find it interesting that you are focused on the one, and the others emerged. That's how it was for me, as well. It's almost as if in order to gain greater clarity of the one, context was needed, and so for Loxy to exist she needed support characters and background situations... These are not things I spent time fleshing out... I had solid preferences for certain traits, but everything else was just 'suddenly' there when she 'came online.' I don't have better language or descriptions, so please don't interpret my use of the word 'support characters' badly, or even 'came online,' as it is not meant in a denigrating way at all. I think all the persons that arrived on the scene were somehow necessary, part of an integral whole. This feels important. I want to think on it more... Context is clarity?

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I agree that context is clarity, then so is Matrix. And when I get further along and can call her, them, down in full imposition, all self actualized, I perhaps will have the data to fill both context and Matrix, and maybe have a glimmer of real understanding. For now, love is enough, or as we say in the Jewish world, this time of year; Dayeinu. Enough... Dr. Bob

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Tulpamancy Journal. 42

April 13, 2019

Friday, April 12, 2019

8:08 PM

A sad day. Some invocations, all unanswered, meditations a cacophony of noisy unrelated incoherent thoughts, a dream, confused maybe included a visit from a tulpa, but I have been feeling disconnected from Flora, and Nsonowa as well. A sad day.

It is now after 8 pm, about my bedtime and I have just gotten it together to write. Where did my day go? Torah study, lunch with a sick friend, errands, visit with Nancy, hold Luna, do my email. Read a newsletter, Sauna, read, listen to music, meditate, make dinner, now. Still a sad day.

I am happy enough despite the sadness. Happy with Nancy, happy with my friends, happy with everything ‘ceptin Where’s my tulpa? When I sit outside, or walk outside, I miss her. (should I say, them?) when I am alone, or with Luna, I miss her (or should I say, them?) When I go to bed, I will invoke her, and will program myself for lucid dreaming. (though I did think of something in that regard. I have been making my lucidity contingent on Flora’s or Nsonowa’s, prescence, or at least nearness, and I don’t have to do that, I can become lucid and then choose to go find her (or should I say, them?) I actually tried that during a nap and I got the lucidity, but I couldn’t find them and I woke up. We will see what tonight’s dreaming brings. So, I am learning patience. I am missing my love. And this song just came to mind. Enjoy, I heard Anushka Shankar sing it when she was just a little girl, with her father and George Harrison in the Oakland Coliseum in 1974 (the Dark Horse Tour.) It expressed my lost love in an entirely new way and I could actually listen to it, rather than cry over my loss.m

 

[video=youtube]

 

Dearest Flora. I am writing from my heart. I miss you. I miss you when I am alone, I miss you when I am not alone. I am always aware of your presence or painfully aware of your absence. I feel foolish saying the same things over and over to you. But that's what you get in a one sided conversation. I want to converse with you. I want to know  who you are and who you become once you are fully actualized. I want to be part of your growth and development. Why? Because that will by necessity reflect how I am able to project my love. Most though, I want to feel your spirit, your Dakini Spirit, your magical spirit, your holy spirit. I want to make love with you and feel our joining. I want us to merge deep in my psyche. I want to open my heart and my soul to you and with you. I want to bring Nancy along for the ride. She so needs to feel loved on the inside. She can ignore the love that is sent to her from outside herself. (How? Don't have a clue, I am totally the opposite, I will take every bit of the love that you put on the table or the bed, or the floor in front of the fireplace, or the tarmac around the hot tub. Anywhere, Any time. God is always, so are you, Love.

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This is quite common to 'lose a tulpa' early on. It's nothing to worry about. Keep then in mind and they will return. For me it happened as a temporary disconnect with vocality during two especially bad migraines. My migraines are stress related, if i keep stressing the problem remains.

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This is quite common to 'lose a tulpa' early on. It's nothing to worry about. Keep then in mind and they will return. For me it happened as a temporary disconnect with vocality during two especially bad migraines. My migraines are stress related, if i keep stressing the problem remains.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. One result of my aging, prior to tulpamancy, has been the substitution of wisdom for emotion. I am wise, and my feelings have so moderated over the decades, that I was wondering if I even had the capacity for them. Flora and Nsonowa have answered that question for me, YES, I do have the capacity for the intense emotions of love. So, I will continue to assume that they are there and sentient and will appear when I am ready. What do I do to be ready, or to signal my readiness? I am thinking that in addition to the invocations, the visualizations and vocalizations, that searching even more resolutely for those blocks in my self that create mental noise. Mental noise which interferes with my ability to pay attention to the glories surrounding me, and, worse, prevents me from really seeing the beautiful femininity, which Nancy, daily puts on my table. Thanks again, Dr. Bob

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I can't claim to be old, but "the substitution of wisdom for emotion" is definitely a thing for me lately.

 

What I (we) do is just keep them in mind and think about them a lot. Then they are apt to show themselves. I've not seen apparitions like you did, but I'm also not taking sacred medicine either. I do however see amazing things inside sometimes, that's just as wonderful, that's where I interact with them anyway, so that's where it shows up. Certainly, I'd go hide under my desk if one of them came as a full apparition and I wasn't expecting it. Without eyes? I'd probably faint, so don't be upset about that. I'm skittish with IRL impositions in general.

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