advice needed

[teajoy]

Hi, I'm pretty much new to tulpamancy, even though I've known about the thing for a long time, but never actually considered creating one myself. I've been thinking about creating a tulpa recently, I've read some guides, articles etc. 
The thing is, I really want a friend in my head like this, but some things make me sorta, uhm... doubt if it's worth it for me after all. For example, I don't like the whole idea of switching, I really don't feel like sharing my body with anyone, even with a headmate, but doesn't it make it unfair for them? So far I've seen a lot of posts from hosts who switch regularly and I'm guessing it's a normal practice amongst the community? Also, the "it gets old thing". I've read enough to understand that it will get old and all, but what if it gets so old and straight up bad for me and my tulpa after some years that we will start hating each other? What if they'll want to take control like some sort of Johnny Silverhand from cyberpunk 2077? And after a few years, I've heard, dissipating them is borderline impossible. And I know how it sounds, I know killing tulpa is the same as killing a person, but if it gets bad, I want to be sure I'll be able to, uh, make it out alive and out of my local psych ward.
Also, how do yall deal with personal relationships? I mean, what if I there's ever a person I really love, but my tulpa hates them. Or, like, the person would have to find out that I have a tulpa and they might not be very fond of the idea there isn't just the two of us, but a third person inside my head.

Edited January 26 by teajoy

[Misha]

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

I don't like the whole idea of switching

I have been in a system for almost six years and I've never switched and don't want to. It's not a necessary part of tulpamancy.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

I really don't feel like sharing my body with anyone, even with a headmate, but doesn't it make it unfair for them?

Well you are going to be sharing your brain at least. Other than that, just be up front about it. We understood from the beginning that we'd be a switch-less system but to make it easier to communicate on forums we "co-fronted", but I would have been happy to just let my host proxy for me. 99% of the time there's no reason for me to even need that. It's absolutely fair. If you asked them to take over for you it would also be fair if they said no.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

So far I've seen a lot of posts from hosts who switch regularly and I'm guessing it's a normal practice amongst the community?

It's probably 50% or more but there are very successful, decade old systems that never switched.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

Also, the "it gets old thing". I've read enough to understand that it will get old and all, but what if it gets so old and straight up bad for me and my tulpa after some years that we will start hating each other?

It's a fair question but it's not something anyone really experiences. Though it's permanent, it wouldn't come down to you hating each other as long as you work on it together. It's extremely rare. Out of hundreds of systems we've seen, maybe one had this issue but they were pretty self-loathing to begin with.

 

As for getting old, it's been almost six years and we haven't experienced that yet.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

What if they'll want to take control like some sort of Johnny Silverhand from cyberpunk 2077?

Creepypasta. This doesn't happen in this community. It's a real thing in the DID community though but that's not the same thing. We've never heard of a tulpamancer turning DID. If you didn't have severe trauma before the age of 12, it's not a realistic worry.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

I've heard, dissipating them is borderline impossible.

Yes, it's permanent, but they may go into dormancy indefinitely, we call that getting demoted, or be absorbed (integrated). We had a headmate who we demoted and she's going to be integrated with another headmate. Integration and demotion are both effectively removing the headmate. Dissipation seems to be highly unlikely to be successful.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

And I know how it sounds, I know killing tulpa is the same as killing a person, but if it gets bad, I want to be sure I'll be able to, uh, make it out alive and out of my local psych ward.

This is just more Creepypasta. It's not realistic to expect this might happen.

 

1 hour ago, teajoy said:

Also, how do yall deal with personal relationships?

We knew from the beginning and agreed that we would be a secret indefinitely. As far as a relationship goes, it would need everyone to agree to some extent. This is a good thing, we're really good at catching red flags. If the host isn't the same gender or sexuality as the tulpa, it still doesn't matter, there's still privacy. 

 

Don't let anyone guilt you into any obligations. It's really not that big a deal. We recommend keeping it to yourself. Others may disagree but they're making it harder on everyone in our opinion. If you like drama and dissapointment then go ahead and tell everyone. 

 

Anyway the good side of tulpamancy is you won't feel lonely, you'll get a second opinion with a different perspective built in, and it's a lot harder to be bored because you have two (or more) brainstorming. Self-help is also easier.

 

Good luck! ♡

[2serpents]

I have never done "switching" or "possession" and really don't have any desire to. My host's body is her own and important to her, not an empty doll to inhabit or pose. The whole idea seems bizarre. This is not unfair to me, I have my own immaterial body. Some follow a different view, that's fine, but I am not alone and you're not obligated to agree. In such things, you set the rules and boundaries.

 

As for personal relationships, I believe most people encourage their good friends to have other connections in the world. If someone wants to cut you off from the rest of society then that's a blazing red flag and you'd be wise to get out of there, whether that someone is physical or nonphysical. Breaking a connection is not the same as killing a person. To detach yourself from a tulpa, thoughtform, any other kind of spirit, you simply starve it of attention. Other rituals based on your beliefs are available too. Yes it would become more difficult the more habituated you are to giving it attention but it would not be impossible. And if my host had a valid reason, based on some rules we set, I would simply go away again (though not without regret) temporarily or permanently.

 

However, dealing with personal relationships can be weird and complicated. My host does have a boyfriend who I am not very fond of. He doesn't really know about me and I don't think he needs to, that feels unnecessarily uncomfortable. We are still figuring it out and it is a source of some... inner conflict. On the other hand there are some things I like about him. Considering we two share feelings I do not think it would be possible for my host and I to feel two complete opposite ways about anything with no way to see the other's view.

 

My question is why do you want to do this? It is not a very easy way to be, and your posting seems to be all drawbacks and no positive motivation.

[teajoy]

9 minutes ago, 2serpents said:

My question is why do you want to do this? It is not a very easy way to be, and your posting seems to be all drawbacks and no positive motivation.

Well, I really want someone close who won't leave me and there's nothing closer than a friend inside one's head. These are just the things that keep me from actually doing it, really I do find tulpamancy hella cool. 

[teajoy]

35 minutes ago, Misha said:

Integration and demotion are both effectively removing the headmate. Dissipation seems to be highly unlikely to be successful.

What are the differences between integration/demotion and dissipation? 

[ringgggg]

Integration is when you merge your tulpa with yourself, dissipation is when you make a tulpa go dormant from inattention indefinitely, until you give them attention again

[Kitsune]

3 hours ago, teajoy said:

Also, how do yall deal with personal relationships? I mean, what if I there's ever a person I really love, but my tulpa hates them. Or, like, the person would have to find out that I have a tulpa and they might not be very fond of the idea there isn't just the two of us, but a third person inside my head.

Imo, you can expect any ‘monogamous’ relationship involving tulpas to have the dynamics of a polycule, so it helps to be open-minded.

My tulpa Sylvia identified as monogamous and married a guy, and did her best to suppress me as much as she could. Meanwhile, I’m the childhood imaginary friend of my host who went dormant at 7 years old. When the host came back, she made it impossible for Sylvia to hide the situation from her husband anymore, and with his encouragement, we all decided to share the body evenly.

Sylvia suffered feelings of jealousy at first regarding the host doing things with her husband while fronting, but those went away after the host seduced her too, and as a result Sylvia is now wondering if she’s really monogamous after all. Sometimes I hear her muttering to herself: “If she’s technically me too, does that mean my feelings still count as mono…?” (No offense but what a cope, lmao.)

Love promotes empathy, which is a great way to be on the same page about things. If anything, the main thing leading to awkwardness between me and Sylvia is that she doesn’t want to be intimate with me, so we have no easy way to break the ice after an argument, and often the others (my host and her husband) have to intervene and convince us to get along.

So yeah, it won’t be like a typical mono relationship anymore with a third person in there. But is that really the end of the world? Sylvia’s husband often says how lucky he is to have three wives (including me, funnily enough; but I play along aside from things I ain’t comfortable with, since I know he’s a good guy and I’m happy for the others).

My host often says it’s important to remember that we’re in this together. And ya know, a tulpa is still part of your own subconscious. If they disagree with you, wouldn’t that be a sign that there’s something you ain’t ready to confront yet about yourself?

---

Now back to your main question. I didn’t know what I was doing when I was making a tulpa at 11-12 years old, and handled it very poorly in hindsight. As for what triggered the switch with my host when she was 7: she made the decision that she wanted to disappear and focused on that, and then I came to in her body and she was gone for the next 18 years, until things got better. She doesn’t seem to have regretted that decision, just seems grateful for what Sylvia and I did to improve her life.

I’ve heard some tulpamancers complain that they can’t switch even if they try to. Some tulpas simply don’t want to. As such, I think you’re worrying too much. Most cases I’ve heard of people switching for the first time, especially in an uncontrolled manner, are when they were suicidal. So if you look after your mental health in the first place, it won’t even come to that. And guess what? A friend in your head can be like a great therapist, too.

So really, I think you’re worrying too much; unless you’re already mentally unstable in the first place, it’s all gonna be fine. And if you are mentally unstable already, then who knows? Maybe a tulpa is just what you need to support you through that! (Don't quote me on that last bit, haha.)

Edited January 26 by Kitsune

[Athelas]

To provide an alternative perspective: it's entirely possible to have “normal” close relationships without disclosing one's plurality. My host is married. She is very much the only one who has a relationship with her spouse. Her husband is aware of me, and our other headmates, as characters created by my host. We leave it at that. It's likely that most non-plural people won't understand.

 

None of us mind being a secret. We've agreed it's likely the safest course of action. We've also decided that my host will be the only one who fronts when her husband is present. He's a stand-up guy, but I'm not about to kiss him. 

 

Our presence didn't affect their relationship, except to make my host less dependent on her husband for happiness. When they want to be intimate, we tune out. There's no jealousy. They're a cute couple. I like that he makes her happy.

 

I haven't got much to add regarding your other concerns. Switching is fun but not necessary. As far as things “getting old,” I've lasted a good bit longer than most of my host's hyperfixations. If she ever wanted me to leave, I'd be heartbroken, but I'd still do whatever was best for her. You're not obligated to share your mind or body with anyone.

 

We hope you find happiness, whatever path you decide to take.

[teajoy]

32 minutes ago, Athelas said:

To provide an alternative perspective: it's entirely possible to have “normal” close relationships without disclosing one's plurality. My host is married. She is very much the only one who has a relationship with her spouse. Her husband is aware of me, and our other headmates, as characters created by my host. We leave it at that. It's likely that most non-plural people won't understand.

 

None of us mind being a secret. We've agreed it's likely the safest course of action. We've also decided that my host will be the only one who fronts when her husband is present. He's a stand-up guy, but I'm not about to kiss him. 

 

Our presence didn't affect their relationship, except to make my host less dependent on her husband for happiness. When they want to be intimate, we tune out. There's no jealousy. They're a cute couple. I like that he makes her happy.

 

I haven't got much to add regarding your other concerns. Switching is fun but not necessary. As far as things “getting old,” I've lasted a good bit longer than most of my host's hyperfixations. If she ever wanted me to leave, I'd be heartbroken, but I'd still do whatever was best for her. You're not obligated to share your mind or body with anyone.

 

We hope you find happiness, whatever path you decide to take.

well I'm extremely monogamous and Kitsune's post made me rethink the whole thing again for a bit. But yeah, I don't see how I can't be monogamous with a tulpa. Like, I just can NOT love the tulpa romantically can't I? And I never ever considered having a romantic relationship with my tulpa, if I create one, I will make it clear. For me, tulpa is no substitute for real friends and especially romantic interests.

[Kitsune]

@Athelas

Thanks for the alternative perspective. Now that you mention it, I tune out when my host or Sylvia are intimate with their husband and it doesn’t bother me, so that makes total sense. I think the main thing that complicated things (from Sylvia’s perspective) is that our host wanted to be with Sylvia’s husband too, but at least that all worked out somehow.

Unlike Sylvia, our host is unabashedly polyamorous. She had a spiritual wedding with me last year, and considers both me and the other guy (physical) her husbands now. At this rate, she may end up with a wife in Sylvia too, although I don't think Sylvia seems quite ready for that, haha.

There are many paths to happiness, and yours is totally valid too.

 

@teajoy

Sorry about any confusion I may have caused. I was just writing from my own perspective, which is largely that I go along with what my host wants, romantically speaking. I don’t care too much about relationships myself, but she’s special to me. The majority of relationships people have with their tulpa are perfectly platonic, though.

 

Edit: After giving it some more thought, maybe a better comparison is that it’s like having roommates. If they don’t wanna get involved, they can just go to a different room for a bit, and then they don’t have to be involved or even remember it. That’s what it’s like for me, anyway.

Edited January 26 by Kitsune