Avalanche's mindhouse

[ThatOneGuy]

Give your tulpa a math problem that it can handle, then divert your attention somehow while they solve it. Have them spurt out the answer when they're done. All three of mine have handled three digit addition/subtraction. I'm not sure to what extent they can do math, but there you have it.

[Avalanche]

I'll try it now.

876+546...... took too long.

I'll have to keep at it or something.

[Avalanche]

Tried a few more Parallel processing tests, but I don't think they worked. The answer would either never come or I would figure it out myself by not being too distracted enough.

 

I'm kinda stuck here now. Do I keep going and hope everything turns out good, or quit and rethink and redouble my efforts?

 

Nothing else has changed much in terms of wonderland/form. I did a two hour session today in which I forced the form some more and tried to imagine her presence near me in the wonderland. Other than that it feels like every other session lately- it's done nothing.

[Avalanche]

As for a wonderland update, I told/asked/suggested Flora to make a new something. Just to add anything or change something while I was gone. When I came back in the session just now, there was a big, rocky island next to the light house island. It had these floating rock ledges and stuff for climbing. I went up it and it was quite fun to jump from ledge to ledge. Then I thought that we didn't really have a big open space, so I think Flora made one appear in the form of a big, open, flat island, connected to the lighthouse, windmill and pagoda islands by stone bridges. A runway and a fighter jet appeared on it, which should be fun to try out later.

 

We walked toward the jet, had a look, then came back to get onto the windmill island, but as we stood on it it started to flip over. We swam off it just as it capsized and sank into the small deep patch of ocean behind it. Not sure why that happened.

[Avalanche]

Tried a new way of visualising, since I am having persistent problems with it.

 

In my wonderland, I got out a large, long white sheet of paper. Big enough to lie down on it and not touch the sides. (I had to lay it down on a big ass sheet of glass as my mind wouldn't accept that the floor could be totally smooth and flat..)

So I drew Flora. Just a basic pose, although I'm sure a dead on normal "Vitruvian man" pose would have worked as well, possibly better. I used a pencil and just imagined going over all the lines, not making them perfect, they just appeared under my pencil. This took not even 5 mins, but I got a good feel of the lines of her body as well as their proportions and how they looked in relation to each other. It also helped me to nail down those minor details that seem to really get in the way.

Then I just got her to stand up out of the page and COME2LIFE. Seemed a bit more vivid at least.

 

I might do a real sketch later.

[Avalanche]

Tried another new way to visualise. I had Flora sit down about 10 meters away from me in the wonderland. I then focused on her for a bit, then I moved closer by 30%. This let the details gradually increase as the distance decreased. It helped somewhat I think. It's something different anyway.

 

Then I felt that the wonderland we were in was getting a little stale, so I decided to take us back to the previous wonderland, a city apartment across from a park. We had a little look around (Flora went over to the wardrobe for some clothes but I can't let her wear anything yet still).

So we threw furniture at each other and this developed into a big playfight. I thought we should take this outside, so we did.

 

Flora seemed to be pretty good with earthbending and stuff like that (she formed pretty much all of our wonderland in earth) so I picked firebending and we had a fight outside on the street. She threw cars and terraformed the street to knock me about. I sent the classic fireballs and stuff her way. It went as far as juggling cars and fire dragons until she clubbed me over the head with a stone hammer and a big "KO" sounded in my head. I guess I actually lost that. I wasn't mad at all, it's funny that I actually allowed myself to lose in my own head.

 

Was fun, hadn't had too much joy for the past while while forcing.

[Avalanche]

Was falling asleep last night, when I may have gotten a message from Flora. MAY.

 

I wasn't too tired now, so this wasn't in a half dreamy state. I was trying to force and was stuck once again in another intrusive daydream. Sucks when that happens. It must suck for Flora too, as while I was daydreaming away, I saw this little white box with black text appear at the bottom of my vision- basically subtitles.

 

It was a message that said something (that I can't remember) somewhere in the region of complaining about me daydreaming. I then stopped and asked if that was Flora, and (not sure if parrot ;_;) another message popped up saying "um.. well yes".

 

I asked another question but didn't get a reply. I'm thinking now that I need to force while in trance if I am going to get results. I tend to just sit and force in my room, with loads of distractions.

 

I don't think the first message was a parrot. As I said, I was in a daydream, not even thinking about Flora, but the second message might have been a parrot, OR it is conclusive proof that SHE LIVES.

 

Either or.

[Guest applesauce99]

you gotta belieeeeeeeeve

 

nah, for reals - thats awesome man

[Avalanche]

Last night while trying to trance force, I had to think of a really tranquil place to be the temporary wonderland, as I was still having the magnetic turn-around problem (see earlier post).

 

So I took us to the sea of tranquillity on the moon. Because well why the fuck not, hater?

 

We sat down and I tried to clear my mind, but no dice. So I gave up, fell asleep, woke up, went for a narration walk but didn't narrate (fuck me) then I got home and tried for some normal forcing.

 

I used the chatbox idea that was recommended to me, and it worked and it didn't. Basically the usual problem- some stuff happened but I'm not sure if parroting.

I asked some simple questions and I got some simple answers. Like I would really visualise my words appearing in the chatbox, and then I would see maybe 1 or 2 words pop up (usually a "Yep" or "um.. well") but then the rest really felt like I was trying to get the answer from her by suggesting responses. For example-

 

"What do you think of the forums?"

"They're nice.. figdh.." (the figdh would be a word that I couldn't make out)

"They're nice because of the tuppers?"

"Yep"

 

At which point it would really feel like me talking to me. Nothing really felt that random at all. I told her to try to be random, so I wouldn't expect what was said and thus wouldn't think it was me.

 

I later on asked her what she wanted to smell like. I suggested vanilla because it is an easy scent and it's quite nice, etc. I used the chatbox and got paprika/pepper. I really wasn't expecting this as an answer, so I'm thinking it's a random answer...?

[Avalanche]

I've really slacked on forcing recently. One day I did basically 20 minutes, and made up an excuse that it was a break day. But today was no different, and I'm seeing a trend I don't like. My motivation and faith has plummeted. I'm doubting so much I hate it, but I just can't "believe for the sake of believing". I can try to just have faith, but my mind eventually returns to logic and I can't do it anymore.

 

I'm failing myself and I'm failing Flora.

 

But it's partly her fault for not even seeming to try at all. Or it's just me being a complete DERP and not realising her actions are her own- but wait, there have been no actions or words have there, Flora?

Well there was that one sentence weeks back that was undeniably not parroted, but since then it's been squat.

 

I haven't felt anything from her in a while and it just feels like I'm back to the early days of her being an idea or concept, and I could throw her idea away and start again and there wouldn't be much difference.

 

But I owe her to at least see this through. Other people have taken this long, or even longer to get one word from their tulpa...

But a majority of people seem to get SOMETHING around now. I'm flatlining and there isn't anything I can do. I try to step up my forcing, but I lack motivating because of the above previously stated reasons.

 

Why should I continue? Because I want to, that's obvious. But I gave up on my lucid dreaming because I got fuck all lucid dreams (5 seconds in one year of trying), so maybe my brain is just super resistant to any kind of training or alteration?

 

But that's stupid, I DID have some lucid moments and I DID get a sentence from Flora. Maybe it's just one of those bad times I need to go through again? I've had them before, times where I feel like bombing the irc asking for advice, advice I already know about.

 

And then I get the odd headache or a "maybe she moved.." moment and my spirits would lift a bit... but then that's early days shit, I'm over two months in, I should be seeing solid progress by now, what the hell?

 

I don't know whether to give up or keep going. But then I do know I need to keep going and I will, but what's the point if I don't have faith? I can have faith, for like a few days but then it dies because faith does nothing!

 

;_;

 

I really want to just sit down, have a forcing session, have it go WELL, get something out of it, and have motivation to go again later. But all I get now is distractions or "what's the point?".

 

When I mentioned giving up, I got a pang in my head. A protest?

 

Maybe.

 

But then I just don't fucking know anymore. I'm sorry Flora, I didn't mean to say it was your fault. If Midori/Ellenore are any measure, you are just stuck not being able to talk right now.

 

But I need something. Anything dammit.

 

I don't even know if she'll like me. I mean, why would she? She might do, but it's going to be mostly out of "brain liking itself"...