How do you usually handle disagreements?

[The Bards]

As we become our own people and become more and more distinct from each other, we also end up disagreeing more and more on bigger and bigger things. We aren’t the type to argue over it, feelings are never hurt, but we do have a hard time coming to a unified decision.

 

While we all share pretty much the same moral code, what we value more tends to cause disagreements. For example, I’m completely driven by social anxiety and a desire to be accepted by others whereas Cinder rarely cares for anyone outside the system. All of us believe heavily in system equality, but for half of us that means everyone fronts equally whereas the other half believe that whoever switches switches, and we should just let it happen naturally. The list goes on and on

 

For as long as we’ve had this problem we’ve yet to find a solution that works for us.

 

We tried voting, but that didn’t exactly work. We couldn’t get certain headmates to be active when they needed to be, and everyone having an equal vote despite some people feeling more apathetic towards the debate than others felt a little wrong.

 

We tried creating a hierarchy of sorts, assigning a few people to make decisions. That didn’t work either. Again, we really care about system equality, so to have that power imbalance, while not necessarily wrong, just didn’t sit right with us.

 

How we usually handle decisions is mostly effective. If a decision impacts one headmate more than the others (ex: should X be in charge of xyz,) then they get to make the decision. Or if it’s a small mundane decision, then whoever’s fronting will make the decision, even if others protest. But with big decisions like whether or not to create a new headmate or who to come out as a system to… we usually end up going in circles

 

Anyone have any advice? Personal experience?
 

~ Ocean (he/she/they)

Edited June 1, 2025 by The Bards

[Seraphina_]

We don't really have any useful advice to give, it's just us two in here, I can't imagine how much more complex a larger system could be, but I wanted to say that I believe in you, and send you all a virtual hug 😊

And also bump this thread in the daily log so someone who can actually help can see it.

[Zara]

Advice:

- I may not have the ultimate answer for you but I have some thoughts.

- This problem may be partially caused by indecisiveness, due to the lack of middle ground being established here, where you can all make equal compromises to each other, knowing exactly what you want is important.

- The idea of everyone being equally active despite different levels of empathy towards the debate, or in other words, motivation, seems impossible, so therefore this needs to be addressed by finding that spark, the one thing that they are most interested in doing, and have them to that.

 

Personal experience:

From what we've experienced, we tend to make decisions based on which is the safest option, so in terms of social anxiety vs aloofness, avoiding people most of the time, dispite it beings unhealthy, is what we do, it means that the anxiety isn't too high and we're not overly invested. And in terms of which hobby to pursue.

 

Here are two different articles that although aimed at singlets you may find them useful:

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-be-less-indecisive-7549893

https://blog.calm.com/blog/self-sabotaging

 

I hope you all have a good day.

[The Bards]

2 hours ago, Seraphina_ said:

but I wanted to say that I believe in you, and send you all a virtual hug 😊

Aw, thank you!
 

2 hours ago, Seraphina_ said:

And also bump this thread in the daily log so someone who can actually help can see it.

Haha, whoops 😅
 

~ Ocean (he/she/they)

[The Bards]

41 minutes ago, Zara said:

- This problem may be partially caused by indecisiveness, due to the lack of middle ground being established here, where you can all make equal compromises to each other, knowing exactly what you want is important.

Ahh, that makes sense! We are notorious for being indecisive 

 

43 minutes ago, Zara said:

From what we've experienced, we tend to make decisions based on which is the safest option, so in terms of social anxiety vs aloofness, avoiding people most of the time, dispite it beings unhealthy, is what we do, it means that the anxiety isn't too high and we're not overly invested.

Hey, that’s usually what happens with us too! Particularly with unhealthy coping mechanisms like dissociation, lol (We also have social anxiety ^^)

 

46 minutes ago, Zara said:

Here are two different articles that although aimed at singlets you may find them useful:

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-be-less-indecisive-7549893

https://blog.calm.com/blog/self-sabotaging

Oh hey, thanks a lot!!!

 

47 minutes ago, Zara said:

I hope you all have a good day.

You guys aswell :]
 

~ Ocean (he/she/they)

[Lavender]

There's only two of us here, so our experience may not apply.

 

I've made it clear to my host consciousness that they are captain of the ship. My favorite thing is to provide emotional support to them and my least favorite thing is making hard decisions so that works well for us. They got through life well long before I came along, so I trust their judgment.

 

We don't disagree a lot. We have access to the same knowledge and I can always follow their thought processes. Sometimes I point out something they're overlooking and they will change their mind, or we'll talk about it.

[The Bards]

10 hours ago, Lavender said:

There's only two of us here, so our experience may not apply.

We get that a lot, lol
 

10 hours ago, Lavender said:

My favorite thing is to provide emotional support to them and my least favorite thing is making hard decisions so that works well for us. They got through life well long before I came along, so I trust their judgment.

Interesting! We differ a lot in this sense, which explains a lot. Our original host’s least favorite thing was to make decisions, and our system was created because internally she was falling apart. He used to fantasize about being a Tulpa himself, which they sort of achieved in a way.

 

9 hours ago, Lavender said:

We have access to the same knowledge and I can always follow their thought processes

We also share a memory-bank, but like Ocean said, I’m pretty sure we’re just indecisive by nature, which is why we end up disagreeing a lot. Whenever we have multiple conflicting ideas in our head it’s easy for us all to lean into whichever one feels more right to us

 

~ Timekeeper (it/its)

 

[Athelas]

On 6/1/2025 at 12:58 AM, The Bards said:

If a decision impacts one headmate more than the others (ex: should X be in charge of xyz,) then they get to make the decision. Or if it’s a small mundane decision, then whoever’s fronting will make the decision, even if others protest.

 

This is generally how we handle decisions too. Since my host does most of the fronting, she tends to be most impacted by our choices. This means, like Lavender, we give our host the final say. It's more of a courtesy than anything. She's made it clear our desires and opinions are important to her.

 

For minor, frequent decisions (what to eat, what music to play), we follow a loose rotation. We're not keeping score or anything, but we try to give everyone roughly equal opportunities.

 

On 6/1/2025 at 12:58 AM, The Bards said:

But with big decisions like whether or not to create a new headmate or who to come out as a system to… we usually end up going in circles

 

For cases like this, might you be able to agree on some ground rules? They don't have to be strict, but could serve as guidelines for making complex decisions. My system was able to agree on a "no more headmates" rule. In your case, perhaps you could agree on some criteria which must be met before you consider a new headmate/come out/etc.

[The Bards]

8 minutes ago, Athelas said:

In your case, perhaps you could agree on some criteria which must be met before you consider a new headmate/come out/etc.

This is something that we’ve thought about doing for a long time but never we’ve never gotten around to. Thank you! :3

 

~ Ocean (he/she/they)

[The Incans]

We have to have ground rules due to physical restrictions. I (host) have multiple conditions and tire quickly… switching uses energy but also sometimes I just need a break from the constant tinnitus and pain levels.

 

Star has higher tolerance for both so I often let them come out for several hours to play on video games as they get a buzz from them which reduces the stress on the body and makes us feel more positive/content.  Jess also has a higher tolerance and likes to hang out with Star watching them on the games. They often go and recreate them in our internal holodecks then so other insiders (who never front) can experience the ‘alternate worlds’ without leaving the inside. 

 

Kitty is better at social & official appointments stuff so she either helps me out by blending with me or she goes in my place. Other than that she enjoys fronting to cook for us but otherwise spends her time inside with Angelo looking after the littles.

 

Myself, Kitty & Jess eat most meals so we usually choose the menu but we do get some treats in for Star & Luna (fronts less often than Star).. Maybe look at who comes out most often or reguarly to enjoy a specific activity? is anyone better at a useful skill like ..managing money?  … maybe they can help with working out finances? 

 

We use white boards .. if someone else comes out and wants something specific they write it on or if they want to watch a program/film etc they write it down we know who it is as everyone uses a different colour pen.