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Ashmo's First Tulpa


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Bud is becoming quite active lately. I really think it has to do with playing the Pokemon game with him. I simply won't do something unless he makes the choice for me to do it and I really think this is having a positive impact on him.

 

He wants very badly to be able to play with someone else who has the same level of experience as he does. Jacob hasn't been playing my Ruby and Bree likes to play my games and lurk around with out saving so I've suggested that she play Ruby.

 

Bud thinks this is an amazing idea because it will give him someone to trade and battle with. I just need to convince Jacob to let his sister use how DS, lol.

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I've been talking to my friend, Marius, about tulpas. I showed him the site and he has become an avid lurker to my knowledge. It was also a delightful surprise to find out he came to the realization that one of his role play characters, Hai, has actually been fully sentient for a while. I don't know if he is planning on making an account yet, or even if he has, but he is enjoying all the information that the site holds and I'm happy I was able to help him find it.

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I finally had my problem tooth removed on the 30th. The dentist was a prick but at least it was taken care of. I went home and basically slept the rest of the day. I have to say though, aside from the regular healing pain that I expected, my entire face is 1,000% better. The constant headache I've had for the past month is gone, I'm not longer sound and light sensitive and I can turn my head with out that entire side of my mouth aching. And I'm practically off the pain meds. Ashmo is one happy camper guys.

 

Bud also seems to have a weight lifted. Already I'm able to passively force nearly as easily as I used to. I'm hoping to be back to the level I consider normal before this all happened. I may have to deal with the dizzy spells again until I get used to it once more, but it will be well worth it. I'm really hoping I can get past this plateau now that what I believed was causing it has been taken care of.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's been a while since I've written anything that could truly be considered a progress report. Even my last few posts in here weren't really reports. It's mostly because I haven't really had anything to write home about. Not much progress, I guess you could say. If anything, I feel like I'm regressing a bit.

 

Bud was beginning to become more vocal right before I had my tooth pulled. He was talking on his own a lot more and even coming out of his shell a bit and talking to other people and their tulpas. I had great progress for about a week after the tooth was taken out.

 

Now it's more like I can't focus properly. I never started passive forcing properly again like I said I would. My active forcing has become hazy. Bud's vocality has taken a nose dive. I've stopped playing Pokemon with him because I can't hear his decision requests. It also seems like I'm puppeting his movements again. It's quite discouraging.

 

I know what my problem is. I'm being lazy. I also know how to fix it, stop being lazy. It's just harder than it seems. Passive forcing was so easy in the beginning, I don't know why it feels hard now. Why does my mind wander now, after doing it for so long?

 

I think I have part of it figured out. One, I took that long break on almost everything but active forcing before bed when my tooth was making everything save for breathing hard for me. The veil was lifted but my mind had been missing out on so many things. My writing mostly. Creativity is flowing easier now, and at a time when I need it most. My writing group is doing a complete overhaul on our little universe. Something that will take the next six months and is taking up a lot of my brainspace. I'm up to my eyeballs in species write ups and trying to figure out how we're going to make our point system coincide with our member rewards.

 

At the same time, I know this is all excuses. I'm being lazy. I know that. There are a lot of things I could be doing differently, and things I have honestly started. I'm trying to get back to passive forcing 24/7 like I was, but it's proving harder than I thought it would be. I've apologized to Bud for all of this and it feels like he understands and is forgiving, but I don't know if his grasp on understanding has slipped the way everything else has. He isn't "fading" like so many people describe. He still feels very much there as he always has, he just feels...incredibly less real.

 

I've promised him that I'm going to start doing more. Of everything and though I've been slow at it, I feel like I'm keeping true to my promise. I don't make one unless I know I can keep it and I'm holding myself to the same standard with him as I would anyone else. First, (aside from trying to remain in a constant state of passive forcing) is to start reading to him again. He always liked that.

 

I never meant for this to happen and now I need to focus on fixing it.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I haven't been on a in while. It's been at least over a week. I'm still here but I've become very busy. I've been job hunting something crazy, Bree and I are car and house hunting and on top of all of this I'm going to beginning college next semester. I have a scholarship from passing my GED so I'm going to use it while I can.

 

Bud is doing well. He's back to being near what he was before all the strange fadings. I still don't active force as much as I should, but my passive is near constant again. I've been reading to him and playing lots of Pokemon. He has three of his own games going now. I've noticed in the past couple days he's become more creative in giving them nicknames. I'm taking this as a good sign.

 

He's still as shy as he ever was. Though I have noticed he is rather comfortable talking with my friend Marius, whom he calls, Uncle Mar Mar. I think it's because Mar is so patient with him and he is, generally, a very approachable guy when it comes to conversation.

 

Bree feels bad that he doesn't talk to her as much, but I think that's because he feels irrationally silly trying to talk to her. I don't know why. I don't even think he really knows. He seems to kind of put her on a pedestal, so I think she might intimidate him when it comes to direct communication. He'll let me proxy verbally for him all the time. "Bud says," and the like when we are talking to one another, but he won't let me proxy for him when typing to her. We are in a multi-computer household sometimes it's just easier to send a message over a social site than talk aloud and have everyone else in the house listening to our conversations.

 

Direct conversation (we both consider computer proxy such) seems to be incredibly intimidating to him. Because of this, it raises the question of if I should try and socialize him more, because I think he needs it. Or should should I continue to let him do things at his own pace, even though I think it might be a little harmful to let him be so antisocial.

 

Antisocial isn't the right word...He wants to be social, but he's anxious and shy. I don't know how to deal with this. I've never had problems with shyness or any form of anxiety before so I feel like I'm at a loss with how to help him.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Still a lot of the same lately. It doesn't exactly feel like we're plateauing, but it's pretty close. I've been getting Bud to actually talk to my more, instead of just raw thought back and force. I know we both enjoy that form of communication, but I think making him speak "properly" will help his independence.

 

He's still too shy to really talk to anyone else. Sometimes I even hear something close to mindvoice "static" when he get really anxious. We're working on it though and I guess that's all we really can do.

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Since yesterday, Bud has been insanely more vocal to people other than myself. He never has a problem talking to Mar or any of his tulpas, but today he even spoke directly to Derp and another friend of mine that knows about him. I'm very proud of him. I think the no raw thought rule is helping.

 

That and we had a very good active forcing session before bed last night. He wanted to play Pokemon, like we do every night, but I felt like that's become another default rut we've fallen into so I decided to change things up and only wonderland forced instead of video games and conversation. It was well worth it. I might cut Pokemon down to once every few days now.

 

He doesn't like the sound of that so I will probably try to only active force every few days and tapper off the video games slowly.

 

It's amazing how just changing a few things has already improved things so much. I feel like he and I are finding our second breath.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The past two nights in a row, Bud has been in my dream. This is very strange to me as it has never happened before in the 5 months I've been forcing him now. But now it's been two night in a row. Even stranger still, I have control over these dreams. I won't call them truly lucid, because they don't feel the same as when I, on rare occasion, do lucid dream, but it really does feel different.

 

I've asked Bud about this and he says he doesn't remember going into my dreams the past two nights. That he was sleeping when I was. So I really don't know what to make of this. Neither of the dreams felt "bad" in anyway, but nor were they "good", either. Insanely neutral for a dream, especially for one of my dreams.

 

I've never given much thought to lucid dream forcing, but maybe I can fall into it...

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  • 3 weeks later...

Bud still pops up from time to time in my dreams, but it has slowed down quite a bit. I think this is when he's "dreaming" too because neither of us can seem to remember the whole thing. Like it's a bit fuzzy for both of us.

 

I start college on Wednesday. I was only able to afford one class for now, but at least it's a start. Bud is really excited about it too. He likes to learn new things like I do and I'm hoping school will stimulate both of us.

 

I've started talking to him more. His vocality is calming along slowly but seemingly steadily. We've both learned to simply each the time with each other during all of this and neither of us are really worried about "development" any more. No one person is ever done learning, changing or evolving and he's a real person too. He's going to grow and change at his own rate and neither of us can change it, so it really doesn't matter.

 

I've been talking with Zane a lot lately. He's one of the people that share my friend, Marius's brain space. He becomes a bit upset at being referred to as a tulpa because he feels like it makes him seem like less of a person, which he isn't. So Zane and Mar are now body roommates as far as I'm concerned. Hai and Chandra still don't mind being thought of as tuppers or thought forms, but they both seem to have more the the type of personality that wouldn't care anyway.

 

Bud and I started our Nuzlocke Challenge on Pokemon Ruby. He chose Treecko, named the character Locke and so far we've caught a Poochyena and a Wingull. I'm hoping to find a Nuzleaf or Ralts next, Bud is kind of hoping for a Surskit though.

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Bud wanted to make his first entry. This is not possession, it's purely word of mouth proxy and I am going to simply type everything out as he tells it to me.

 

[Mom and Momma Bree both started school yesterday. I really liked going because even though I can remember when Mom was in school because she lets me look, I wasn't there then and school wasn't really that nice to her then. She only has English class because of how much it costs for now but we both like her teacher so far. Momma Bree's English class is right after Mom's and they share the same books so Mom and I played Pokemon for an hour while Mom hung out with their friend, James. I got to the town in SoulSilver that I met Bill, so I'm going to go get my Eevee from him next time I play.

 

When Momma Bree was out of class Mom and her went to the library and did some homework. It was mostly note taking. I was bored and I think I distracted Mom some. I kept wanting to look at the dinosaur books because where we were sitting they had a lot right there. And books on evolution and stuff. I think all those things are really neat and I can't wait until Mom starts taking classes about those too.

 

We went home late and had lunch at home then Momma Bree had to go to her other class in the evening and Mom went too to hang out in the library and finish her note taking for homework. It gets loud at home so they will be doing a lot of stuff at the college so they can think better where it's quiet. I like it there. I like being around all the books and the people who work there are nice and friendly. I want Mom to go up there just to look at books but she still needs to finish all her reading and note taking for class. There was a lot.

 

Mom has started a new story too. She doesn't want to talk about it a lot because she never really does, but I like it. I think it will be really good once she is finished.]

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