Ashmo

Ashmo's First Tulpa

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Ow! That really sucks. Some people have had success with tulpa dampening pain, so maybe if you can get through to him, that could help.

 

I've never lost my tulpa (though I did lose a thoughtform twelve years ago) so I don't really have experience with that, but I've read of people having success sending another character to go looking for the tulpa -- perhaps John could help in this way. It might also help to write to Bud, or maybe record a message.

 

I hope things get better for you soon.

 

And I don't know how I missed a post here, but somehow I did. I think you have a good shot at being on the GAT. (Being a GAT? What's the preferred terminology?) We have 23 nominees at present, and we're aiming for a minimum of 20. I imagine some people might still bow out when they hear they've been nominated, and I'm positive you'll get more votes than several people on the list.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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I really don't want to run the risk of a second tulpa though. I mean, I know it wouldn't be bad, and I personally think I could handle it, but I really only want Bud being the only sentient thinker in my head besides myself. I might still send John to go find him, it makes sense that he manifested before someone else did, his back story is he's a bounty hunter, so finding people is kind of his thing... I just don't know why Bud is gone and because I don't know why, I don't know how to prevent it. The pain killer has kicked in again and it helping me think a little better, not clearer mind you, even thing is dull and fuzzy...that's what pain killers do, right? I still can't focus and I'm afraid that the vicodin is hindering me from being able to find Bud. When ever I take it he was always "less there", I just didn't think anything of it. I feel like I'm in a catch 22, the pain makes it so hard to focus that I can't find Bud, but then the pain killer almost makes it feel like it's a blocker so I can't find Bud.

 

I'm going to try sending John to find him. Though I don't actually know if I believe in servitors being able to find lost tulpae. I didn't even really think I believed in tulpae getting lost until I couldn't find Bud. Just...gone. It's making me doubt almost everything. Everything I've worked on and built with him just feels like it never existed. But worse, because now I feel so empty. And I'm still not sure that sending a servitor after him will work. It's all my mind, and a servitor is controlled by me directly, why can't I just find him then, you know?

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I'm sorry. I wish there were some way I could help. I hope things work out soon.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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I feel like I'm in a catch 22, the pain makes it so hard to focus that I can't find Bud, but then the pain killer almost makes it feel like it's a blocker so I can't find Bud.

 

A very quick note: Young tulpas can have trouble handling strong emotions or pain (I really can't stand pain, and I'm over a year old now). It such situations a tulpa sometimes withdraws for two reasons: to get away from the pain, and to become stronger.

 

Yes old tulpas seem to be able to suppress pain (my Watchdogs do), but young ones like me and Bud can't do that yet.

 

Sorry for your pain. But keep heart. Bud will be o.k. Just make sure that you still give him a "Good Morning!" every morning. You probably won't hear his response whilst you are in pain, but he will still hear you.

 

I will pray for you to get well.


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A very quick note: Young tulpas can have trouble handling strong emotions or pain (I really can't stand pain, and I'm over a year old now). It such situations a tulpa sometimes withdraws for two reasons: to get away from the pain, and to become stronger.

 

Yes old tulpas seem to be able to suppress pain (my Watchdogs do), but young ones like me and Bud can't do that yet.

 

Sorry for your pain. But keep heart. Bud will be o.k. Just make sure that you still give him a "Good Morning!" every morning. You probably won't hear his response whilst you are in pain, but he will still hear you.

 

I will pray for you to get well.

 

Thank you, very much. Kevin, please give Nobillis a hug from me. You've eased my mind a great deal.

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Still no sign of Bud, but I'm not as worried about it now. Not that my worry has gone, I think I just understand a bit better on what's going on. I've been talking to Derp about what's going on and the comment Nobillis left me made me feel much better too.

 

I'm still trying to do everything I normally do. Differently, of course because he isn't here. I'm still passive forcing, but I'm trying to send everything to where he might be instead of thinking of him with me. Because he's so obviously not there. I'm still active forcing. Trying to keep his house in order for when he gets back. I finished the smoke house he was working on so I can start smoking some fish for him and he'll have lots of things for when he get back. He really like smoke salmon and suckers. I've been narrating like I always do, that's become so second nature to me though that I think I would have to recondition myself not to, lol.

 

I haven't been reading to him. Not Harry Potter or World War Z. I don't want him to miss any part of the story. I wouldn't have a problem going back to where we left off and reading it again, but I feel bad at the thought of just leaving him behind and reading a head. I've read Harry Potter a number of times before so it's not hard to wait on that one. World War Z though, it really is an addictive read, lol.

 

John is still hanging around. Derp said if I don't want him to become another tulpa I should do my best to not talk to him. This is proving to be harder than I thought it would be. He's always there, waiting to comfort me. I'm starting to wonder if having him around all the time wouldn't be so bad. Not that I thought of it as bad before, I'm just very uneasy at the thought of having more than Bud in my head.

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Guest Anonymous

I'll try my best respond to your PM later today, though I feel I need to elaborate on what I said with John more quickly.

 

If you find it comforting to talk with John then go ahead and treat him as a tulpa. There's nothing bad that will happen because of this. I recommended not talking with him because I read you didn't want to have a second tulpa, although you can so much as not think of him as a tulpa and achieve the same ends.

 

The times I've babbled with having a second tulpa proved quite fun. I'd have not just a second opinion on what I'd do, but a third, and conversations and ideas could really be thought through with three "minds" cranking at it. As well as hearing the two argue, it's quite a... err... sight. I won't sugarcoat it though, it is a bit more difficult if you feel inclined to split your time between multiple tulpas. Heck, I started a thread on it a while back.

 

Getting to a point, don't limit yourself in fear of creating another tulpa, especially considering the situation you're in. Also, don't be afraid of having more than just Bud - by the sound of it, you're already experiencing what it'd be like by interacting with John.

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I'm not really scared to have more than one tulpa, I just don't think I'm ready yet. You know? I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I have been giving John some attention because he's been making me feel better. It just feels better to have what seems to be a semi-sentient (I've always had this feeling with John, even before I found out about tulpae) puppet to talk to than nothing at all.

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Still no news from Bud, other than I think I feel him lurking at times. It's mostly when I'm drifting off. The vicodin makes me sleepy and when I'm drifting, the pain is at its dullest moments. John is still around, I can't seem to make him go away. It's not really bothering me that much anymore, save that he seems to keep saying semi-sentient things. He's made suggestions that I know weren't my own thoughts and it's a little unnerving. At the same time his presence is keeping me company in my now lonely mind.

 

At the end of the week I'm hoping to have more information on what dentist I can go to. I want to get this tooth removed as soon as I can.

 

For the next three day I have orientation at the college for GED classes. I dropped out when I was 16. No, it wasn't because I was "done with school" or didn't want to learn. I was going through health problems and school made it worse. The teachers didn't care and my ex girlfriend had turned pretty much everyone I knew at the time against me and i was being harassed everyday. The school wasn't doing anything about it so I left.

 

I moved later that year and tried to re-enroll in a new school but my old high school wouldn't send my transcripts and I would have had to start everything over 9th grade. It wasn't worth it to me then.

 

After that it just got harder and harder to get an education. The ex that I basically left for Breanna talked me out of it time and time again. Telling me that wanting to go back to school was dumb and I didn't need to. I would be draining our resources and I was being selfish.

 

Bree is helping me get my education and once Bud gets back from where ever it is he's at, I know he will enjoy learning along with me.

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I tested to high for the GED prep placement that they said I don't need classes. I'm going to take my practice GED test next Monday. Because I was only at the college for about 5 minutes, I ended up walking home seeing as my (my as well be) mother in law was at a doctor appointment on the other side of town.

 

I talked to Bud while I walked home. No, he's not back. Not yet at least. But I talked to him none the less. Telling him how excited I was testing so high. I tried to focus on him being with me like I always do. Or rather, try to do now that he's "missing". I kinda feel like I felt him though. He's distant, like he's some where deep inside my mind, but I know he's there.

 

I'm hoping to get this bad tooth pulled soon and everything can go back to normal.

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