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Ashmo's First Tulpa

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I think the cause of my dizziness was too much passive forcing. I had posted a thread in the questions and answers forum asking about the side effects (the thread was lost when the site went down or i would link it), a few people suggested it was passive forcing over active forcing, seeing as I don't really actively force as much as I think I should. I told Bud a couple days ago that I was going to have to lay off all the passive forcing for a while, maybe I could work up to as much as I was doing before but I can't risk getting dizzy out of no where.


He was disappointed but he understood.


Wednesday I hardly spent any time with him. I narrated only one chapter of Harry Potter and only one "recorded accounted" from World War Z. I did spend more time passively forcing. I turned on mynoise.net, got a few tabs of sound calibrated the way I like and Bud and I spent the "day" teaching him how to pole fish. He likes the lure method more than a bobber and waiting. He's still leery about water and I can't for the life of me get him in the row boat I have pushed up on the river bank. I understand his fear though, he's a creature of fire and fire never fairs too well with water. I was able to at least get him to dip his toes in.


He's also still leery of his wings. He likes working them. Flapping and moving them in all the different ways he's able, but he doesn't feel like he's ready to try flying yet. Honestly I think it terrifies him. I know they just finished developing, but I've tried to explain to them that if they were just for show they probably wouldn't be the size and build that they are. I was eventually able to convince him to glide down to the river bank from the top of the hill where his burrow is located. He seemed surprised that it had actually worked and I think working on his flying might go a little easier now that he knows he won't drop like a stone.


The site finally started working properly for me later in the night last night. I came on, posted everything Shui saved for me (Thank you again!) and started browsing the newer threads to see if I could learn more and/or help someone who was in a fickle. That's what this place is supposed to be about, right? Helping each other and expanding out minds.


Yesterday was hard not to passive force. I felt like I couldn't feel Bud as well as I normally can. I know that was because I wasn't forcing, but it was rather unnerving not to feel him there. I invited him to be in the front of my head if he didn't want to stay in wonderland all day, but informed him that I probably wouldn't be giving him as much attention as I normally do when he's there. I felt a bit of a positive emotional wave and he was quiet for the rest of the day.


That was until the site was running and I was browsing the Question and Answer forum like a normally do. I came across this thread. http://community.tulpa.info/thread-how-do-you-tell-other-people-you-have-a-tulpa Nothing out of the ordinary, just someone curious on how to tell the people in their life about the phenomenon. I read through the comments, there weren't many at the time and there still isn't too many in there. They all just cautioned said new tulpamancer to be careful who they told. People take it the wrong way. I understand that. Then I came to Shui's post and he linked the thread to this progress report http://community.tulpa.info/thread-the-log-of-a-baptist-tulpamancer as a warning and an example of how bad things can get if you decide to tell people who don't understand.


I read the report. All of it. I was hoping for some sort of "fuck this, this is my life and I care about my tulpa too much, I'll just tell everyone that I stopped and continue with my practice" what I read made me want to cry and broke my heart.


I heard Bud for the third time now. I hadn't even realized he had been reading it with me. He simply said, in a small, fragile voice, "You won't kill me, will you Mom?" I simply broke down. My wanting to cry turned into full out crying, in the living room with everyone there (Bree and I live with her Mother and two younger siblings, her brother who is 14 and her sister who is 7). Bree's mom seemed worried but I just mentioned I read a sad story, it wasn't a lie so I feel no guilt. Knowing me better than I know myself sometimes, Bree didn't by it so I linked her the progress report, once she read it through she came over and held me tight. She asked if Bud was okay because she figured, being in my head, he had read it too.


I felt very upset. Obviously so, but I can't even find words to describe it. That was when I really noticed that the feeling wasn't coming from me. Bud felt like he was near panic. I told Bree to give me a little while and I was going to go spend some time with him.


The entire time I was in wonderland we were leaned up against the maple tree next to the entrance of the burrow and we just held each other. I was half cradled in his arms and I simply ran my hands through his golden mane. I told him I'd never do that. I pushed the feeling I had for him into him and showed him the sorrow I felt for Hounds and his poor Claire. His feelings mirrored my own and I felt him cycle it around and back through me. Only it was laced with his own fear. I think he's afraid that I'll get bored of him or something, or that one day I simply won't want him any more. I explained that I knew what I was getting into when I started this, and that we are in this together. I love him, I don't want him to go anywhere. I want him with me forever and because I made him, he will be. Simple as that. That seemed to make him feel better but I still feel like he's afraid.


He calmed down after that though and we just enjoyed our time with one another. I also noticed my wonderland has changed. If you've ever listened to the song "Imaginary" by Evanescence, you'll know what my wonderland used to look like. "In my field of paper flowers, and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me". It's never changed seasons there before. Last night, I saw how the leaves were beginning to change color. As I watched I noticed that I could name most of the types of trees where I never could before. The only "real" tree that had even been in the wonderland was the maple that marked where Bud's burrow is. Now I was seeing maple, oak, elm, ash--a few pine, everywhere. All the trees are natural to earth. I've never had that there before. While I was still laying on Bud I started looking around, inspecting everything from a far. The fields of flowers were now wild flowers I had grown up with, the grass was a mix of alfalfa and wheat, and the river Bud and I spend so much time around had seemed to change to something strangely more familiar than it had been before.


Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My wonderland suddenly looks just like Michigan in the early fall. The backwoods of Northern Michigan. North of the thumb but south of the finger tips of the mitten. I found myself looking at Bud dumbfounded. Wondering if this had just happened or if he had changed it. He just smiled and I was washed over with this near overwhelming sense of Home. Michigan has always been my homeland. It's been a year since I've been there and I've been rather homesick. I hated Tennessee, and as much as I love living with Bree and I'm enjoying Arizona, Michigan it does not make. Bud turned our wonderland into a place where we can both feel like it's home. I started crying again, only it was happy tears this time.


I don't even know how long I was forcing for. Bree came into our room and startled me out of my far-away-thoughtfullness when she sat on our bed. I pulled my headphones off and moved to give her a hug. She asked if Bud was okay. I told her how that progress report just really messed us both up but he seems to be better now. She held me tighter and told me she loves me, then corrected herself and said she loves both of us, very much and wanted to let him know that he didn't have anything to worry about. She would never want me to get rid of him and knows I would never want to. I felt compelled to squeeze the life out of her and had to explain that it wasn't me who did it. I mean I know it was me, but it was a proxied hug.


Everything calmed down quite nicely after that and we all went outside to sit under the full moon. It was Bud's first full moon and the first time I forced while I Drew the Moon Down. Having him with me made it an even more spiritual experience than it normally is. Tomorrow night is the monthly drumming circle and we're both excited to go. Myself because it's almost like a form of church for me, and Bud because it's something new and he's enjoyed the memories I've shared with him of them.

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You three are incredible. Bud is so cute and so intriguing. Bree ... well, I wish I had such an understanding girlfriend. And as for you, you're so creative and you write so beautifully, I bet you could do this professionally. As someone who's trying to do it professionally, I'm jealous.


I'm sorry to have shared something that caused so much sadness, but I'm glad to see how much you three care for each other. You're very fortunate people.

"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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I want to write professionally one day. I used to write a lot of short stories and Bree and I do a LOT of story style role playing, I started writing something about a month ago but I'm lazy, lol. That and I always end up editing everything in the middle of my process and never make progress...


Don't be sorry. I'm actually really happy I read it. Today Bud seems to have made more of mental breakthrough. He just seems...well smarter isn't the right word, but it's the better I can think of right now, lol.

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Nothing too new to write home about today. Other than Bud seems to be making a bit of a mental leap. I feel like he's thinking on his own a bit more. I'm still not really getting anything verbal from him aside from the here and there surprise he gives me, not that I'm complaining. He just feels, for lack of a better word, smarter. And I'm not saying I doubted his intelligence before, but his understanding just feels like it has increased. I used to think of him having something close to very young toddler understanding. Now he feels closer to maybe a 4 or 5 year old? I know that's not really that big of a difference, but I'm proud of him.


He really wants to learn the game checkers (and yes I understand that he "already knows" because he's a part of my mind), but the only version I have on my computer is an online type that automatically sets you against another person somewhere out in cyber space. I can't seem to find any on free game sites that allow for two player use on the same computer either. No big deal. I'm just going to buy one of those neat multi-boardgame sets and play a few different things with him.


We couldn't get into wonderland yesterday. Instead we ended up in something of a bamboo forest? It was very, House of Flying Daggers-ish and we spent our time scaling the threes and swinging from the large, springy shoots.

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Well...for starters, the drumming circle was LAST week. It was disappointing but we got the flyer for next month and will be better prepared this time around. I'm only happy we stopped into the shop to check the time or we would have been showing up once everything was closed and would have really been irritated. But on the bright side, Bree and I hung out in the shop for nearly an hour, I bought a little citrine crystal for my wallet and I was able to stock up on probably the freshest mugwort I've come across. We also got a couple books from their free-borrow library and want to go through our libraries to see if we have anything to offer and donate.


My forcing was utter shit yesterday. I'm back to constantly passive forcing. I'll deal with the headaches and dizzy spells until I get used to it, after reading the Baptist Tulpamancer's log, Bud has gotten a little clingy. So I want him around as often as possible. Active forcing though...I think I need to find different music to listen to while I force. Basically my active forcing consisted of a two hour nap. Couldn't get the wonderland to "work" again, so I basically just let my mind wander and narrated every little thing to him while I visualized. Next thing I know, near two hours had passed and I was waking up in my own drool. Lovely.


Bud woke my up at 6:30 this morning. I feel like he's trying to strengthen his communication skills but either I'm not listening right, or he's still not advanced enough for me to listen right. Imagine waking up to something that feels more or less like a very large, faithful dog laying directly on your chest and when you open your eyes to see just what the hell is pinning you, you a greeted by a pair of just as large, very green eyes staring back into yours. With the feeling of "I'm awake now, you should be too". Now imagine all of this was going on in your mind's eye so it took you a bit to connect it to reality. That was my morning.


I think he's getting more active because of Breanna too. She's started talking to him lately. She said she didn't before because she didn't know if he would understand or hear her. I assured her he would and now she says things to him all the time. Which of course he loves too. Our latest thing is:


Bree: I love you.

Me: I love you too.

Bree: I love you.

Me: I love you-

Bree: NOT YOU!

Bud: //overwhelming happy


I also think that her starting to talk to him will help with his sentience. Or at least I'm hoping.

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Since Bud doesn't feel like he's ready to talk with his voice yet, even though he has on occasion, I've started working on sign language with him. No I'm not deaf, but my hearing is slowly failing me and I know that once I enter into later years of my life, I may not have my hearing anymore. I've always been fascinated, if not a little obsessed, with deaf culture and I learned Sign English when I was in school. I'm quite rusty and ASL is a bit different from Sign English, but I think it will help both of us. I've restarted the lessons on the lifeprint.com site. I had been in the second session classes, but I'm starting from the beginning again because I want to refamiliarize with everything. I know I'm probably doing a bit overkill with starting from scratch again. Even with how rusty I am, every time I've need to use ASL I've been able to hold conversations perfectly. I just sign slower than those who are fluent. Bud seems excited about it too and it's making the whole process all the more fun.

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That sounds like a cool shop. We used to have something like that near here, but they changed locations, and I think the new location was a little too hard to find. They closed down for good not long after.


Sign language is interesting. I've never thought of that as a way of communicating with a tulpa. I wonder how well he can do it though, without proper hands.


At this point, I imagine it would probably be easier for me to impose my tulpa's voice than it would be to learn sign language. My girlfriend knows some, but this is the limit of my understanding. I should really learn it though. It would be a useful skill.


For what it's worth, I can read some braille. Of course braille is completely different from sign language, because sign language is used to communicate between people in real time, whereas braille is pretty much not used by anyone because blind people these days have screen readers and audiobooks.

"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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Well he still has rather humanoid hands. They are just largely proportioned and furry. Five fingers and the like. It's his feet and legs that are more animal like on him than anything else. He has the classic "werewolf" legs I guess you could call them with paw feet instead of feet. His hands are just hands, only with fur and pads. I feel like I'm not making sense now, lol.


Sign language is actually classified as a foreign language. I make sure I put it on all my work resumes that I know conversational sign language (because I'm not fluent yet) and it's actually helped me get jobs. It's also helped a lot in jobs where I "didn't need" it when a deaf costumer came in. She was writing what they needed help with a on a piece of paper, and I politely signed that she wouldn't need that unless I didn't know what she was saying, she looked like she was about to cry she was so happy.


Also, braille is amazing, I just don't seem smart enough to understand it lol.

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Heh, that's a really cool experience. I'm sad to say, my experience with deaf customers has been very poor. But I should definitely learn more languages. It's pretty much always a good thing.


Braille, on the other hand -- well, it's a really cool idea, but nobody uses it anymore. I thought I could get a good job doing braille transcription, but that's more or less a thing of the past.

"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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