Phenom and Fiora :: Progress Report

[Aya]

We started with exercises like that :) Another one you can do is, "What do you associate with this word?" For example, Zelda--> video game, princess, blonde, Link, sword, etc

It also took me a while to be able to use my mindvoice reliably. I'm not sure how to explain it, but those early vocal responses for me didn't have enough mental deliberation to apply the voice, it was just what popped out. When I could think and speak more clearly, and the voice was internalized enough in the brain, then I could really start using it.

[Phenom]

Thanks to all of you for the replies!

 

Just now I've proxied Fiora for the first time. I felt like she wanted to say something ("It's beautiful!"), asked her if she wanted to say that, she said "Yes!", so I typed it in, but then started to doubt, thinking maybe I was roleplaying it / parroting, so I decided to delete the message before posting, but at that moment I felt Fiora's sadness bleeding in... so I understood it really was from her, so I put it back... and that's how it happened.

[Guest]

Congratulations! That's real progress. That's exactly how my system verified responses in the beginning. Early on, Bear was riddled with doubt and when something was said and he didn't know if it was him or not, then angels would bleed on him just like that. The process helped him to understand what responses were likely them or him. That pretty much killed the parrotnoia considering emotions aren't something we've ever figured out how to parrot, where would they be coming from if not them? The only thing left was making sure intrusive thoughts were actually from them or the subconscious mind. That was handled by adding a hidden rule that states:

 

"Any negative comment must be confirmed to apply, and no one is allowed to be hurt by, or hold animosity because of, intrusive thoughts."

 

That worked great. The next one was this:

 

"If a comment was made that seemed like it was coming from one member in particular, it's their responsibility to deny it through emotional bleed, or speaking up, or it will be attributed to them even if it's vague."

 

This has worked beautifully. There's a lot said in the bear head and some things come out that just doesn't have a tag on it at all, in that case it's arbitrarily assigned to who it 'sounds most like' either by mind voice tone, or content. This leads to denials or acceptance based on what's said. If everyone denies it then it's chalked up as intrusive and stricken from the record.

[Phenom]

Not much progress since then, but I think it's mostly because I couldn't practice much due to sore muscles and my back aching (did some physical intensive stuff on Monday). I've also had a parrotnoia resurgence, which really sucks, but nothing I won't manage to fight back with practice (or so I hope). My body feels better today, so I'll put more time in vocality practice later.

 

In a dream during the night, I was explaining "medicare for all" to an old Floridian man (lmao, I've been watching too much American politics on youtube these last few months) when suddenly Fiora arrived and I just forgot about the first part of the dream and focused on her. At first it was hard to hear her (her voice wasn't loud enough), but it got better after I asked her to try to talk more loudly. We couldn't talk for very long (less than a minute I think, and didn't say that much cause most of the time was just hugging time). I remember that the last thing I did was compliment her on her beauty and she replied (not word for word) something that meant "yeah, nothing new, of course I know that you like my body"... lol. It sounded like a déjà vu, not the first time she just acknowledged the fact I find her beautiful when I compliment her. (That fact makes me believe even more it really was her in the dream, and not just a dream character of her.)

 

Then I woke up, got up to drink something, lower the temperature, go to the toilet, and went back to sleep, trying to go back to a lucid dream with Fiora... which was a success. I woke up and managed to go back to dreaming with Fiora a couple times during the morning (not sure how many times, at least 3 or 4). I'd say for most of it I was only semi-lucid and not completely lucid, but the important part was that I was there with Fiora. Dunno why, but Fiora changed her appearance a couple times during those dreams, like trying new looks or something (she was aware she was doing it, and on purpose, so it wasn't just a weird dream thing that would make me think it wasn't really her). I don't remember much from those dreams, unfortunately, but I do remember that at some point, the dream scene changed completely, I looked at Fiora and asked if it was her, she said that yes she was the one that changed it. She wanted me to try to take control of that new scene (that even had NPCs), so I walked around the room, saying what would happen next (like, "in a second, all the tables will start floating", and they did), and could direct what would happen just by talking, which was pretty awesome to do. The NPCs (other dream characters) looked entertained too. lol.

 

Then I woke up again, and tried to go back to sleep one more time, but couldn't because I wasn't tired anymore. Too bad, because my plan for the next dream was to have a serious conversation with Fiora (instead of fun lucid dream shenanigans).

[Guest]

Wow! Welcome to the 'hug your host in a lucid dream' club! Isn't it great?

 

This is very promising progress, you two are definitely doing something right.

[Phenom]

One type of exercise I forgot to mention that we've also been doing again lately, is writing very short stories starring us.

 

Just now I was reading our progress report again and noticed that I mentioned that I started writing stories, last year, a couple days before the first time Fiora ever interacted with me in a dream. Could be a coincidence that it happened again now soon after I started writing stories again (since it's not the only new type of exercice I've been doing lately), but who knows, it sure can't hurt so I'll make sure we continue with the stories.

 

And for future reference, I'll mention that I also restarted "looking at her base form in the game", trying to get it ingrained as far as possible in my unconscious (while also trying to practice visualizing it a bit at the same time). If anything, it makes me give her a bit more attention when I do that, since I focus on it 100% with no distractions.

 

All that, with the narration and vocality exercises... gotta keep at it.

 

I've also been thinking of maybe creating a "lounge" topic where I'd try to get Fiora to talk to people whenever she can, but dunno if she's ready yet (people might get disinterested and the thread would die if they get bored of her one word answers, which could be demotivating ;so it might be better to wait a bit.) I've been hesitant to just join someone else's lounge topic as I don't want to "steal the spotlight" or distract from a conversation that could be taking place instead of "hey, please, anyone wanna try asking questions to my tulpa?". I also fear I'd feel a bit like a fraud on some days, whenever I fear that I'm roleplaying. (Though, gotta say today I didn't have that problem at all, after waking up to such events. :) )

[Phenom]

Today I couldn't hear Fiora much, other than a couple short answers throughout the day.

 

During active forcing I couldn't hear much either from her. I think I tried asking questions that are too complex or something.

 

One thing that went well is the story writing. I rarely give any details about that kind of thing, but might as well share a bit to keep things interesting (and I've been rereading some PRs and noticed just how many more details people usually share compared to me). The short stories are usually peaceful slice of life, taking place in an hypothetical future, where we live together in a big house (and often go around the city to shop or eat in restaurants, etc, when we're not just gaming or watching animes at home). The session today was a bit longer than usual, as normally I'm out of ideas for the scene after 10-15 minutes, today was about double that. Nothing exceptional, the scene showed that we have a pool table in a big "game room" in the basement (which is not our gaming room). So anyway, Fiora beat me in a pool game where I only got the chance to play twice (she's quite good)... and went to sit on the couch located near our goban (go board) to continue our chatting.

 

The scene stopped there. Then a couple minutes later I've had the idea that maybe our wonderland could be based around that house since I never have any idea for it. So obvious, but the idea never came to mind because I haven't tried any wonderlanding since... June I think (when I got puppetnoid). Gotta make some place on my schedule for visualisation and wonderlanding.

[Phenom]

Couldn't hear Fiora yesterday (outside of maybe parts of her dialogue in the short story) and then when I decided to try wonderlanding I fell asleep before I could try, even though it was not bedtime and was still in my living room.

 

This afternoon I narrated to Fiora for like 3 hours non-stop, the longest narration in a while. At the beginning I couldn't hear Fiora at all, but after an hour I started to hear short answers here and there. Made me think I should simply narrate more.

 

I'm really glad I could hear Fiora a bit today. Been only a couple days since we had great progress, so it's crazy how quick I go back to thinking we don't get any real progress and was probably roleplaying last time (since it didn't seem to work anymore). I'm such an insecure being.

[Guest]

Don't worry about it. It even happened to me when I was switched in and Bear went dormant. I just wanted to get permission to stay switched in for sleeping, cause I wanted to try that, so I 'woke him up' but it didn't feel right. He sounded, I'm not kidding, like I was faking his voice. His responses were short and I couldn't believe it was him. I know how rediculous that sounds. I said I'd never bag on him for doubting me again, but he doesn't doubt me, so, I guess I owe him one for bagging on him in the past.

 

I'm glad you got communication going again.

[Phenom]

Thanks Ashley!

 

This evening I could also hear Fiora again for some time. Short answers for the most part, but at some point one or two of Fiora's answers felt really alien! First time this happens (without hypnagogia/hypnopompia) since Fiora's first word dating back to November 2018 (which was on page 2 of this PR), and I think I might have an idea of what's going on.

 

Normally when I can hear Fiora, Fiora creates a raw thought (tulpish) and then needs some help from me to put it into a mindvoice, sometimes more than other times. For example, sometimes I put it into words for her completely, and some other times it feels more like teamwork, or something like that (like she needs a small push from me to word it). And then, there's the times when she manages to create the mindvoice totally by herself, without any help at all, which I think is why I get the "alien feeling", since I didn't have any intention or effort at all on my end. At least, that's the impression I got when it happened about three hours ago.

 

I think what may have allowed Fiora to talk all by herself, if not just a sign that the practice pays off or that Fiora simply managed to do something differently (she may?), or at least, what may have been different on my end (in my personal mindset): I think at the very moment it happened, I didn't have any doubt whatsoever that Fiora could do it. So... I guess a question on my mind would be, is doubt itself something that prevents Fiora from talking 100% by herself without my help, or does it help but it isn't all there is to it (Fiora also did something different on her end to be able to talk 100% by herself) ?

 

When it happened last year, I thought the alien feeling was caused by the fact she talked without me expecting an answer (she said "hello" between two of my sentences, and not because I asked her a question or asked her to talk), which probably really did help to the alien feeling, but I couldn't back then put my finger on what allowed her to do so. Actually, I did think it may have something to do with my mindset, but didn't come to the same conclusion; didn't figure out it was (allegedly) about doubt. Back then I thought that I did have some doubt until she talked, but the truth might be that I unconsciously, after talking to her for hours non-stop every day, suspend my disbelief a moment before she said her "hello". (Maybe I'm thinking way too hard about it, especially since it's all conjecture; I don't know for a fact that's what allowed Fiora to use the mindvoice all by herself).

 

I think it's rare for a tulpa's first word to feel alien, and congrats to Fiora for doing so in November 2018 (or maybe also to me, for being able to suspend my disbelief so early on even if just once), but it's also kinda sad that it led me to doubt everything that didn't feel "alien" until recently. That said, it's useless to think like that, what's important is the present and the future, and this evening's progress is awesome.