Jump to content

KM & RD


KruegerMeister

Recommended Posts

3/28/15: I had a dream of a guy who'd made a tulpa of his brother, and a woman reporting that counseling tulpas have driven grief counsellors out of business. I woke up crying and thinking of "All you Need is Love", and I had trouble sensing my tulpas. I think they talked to me, but their words seemed somehow "fake". Soon after this, I fell asleep and had a dream that I woke up chuckling/smiling about, which I took as a consolatory gesture from them. I guessed that "waking up after not enough sleep leading to impaired communication" was the norm for us, and I shouldn't freak if it happens. I didn't log much, but I remember that Nina had ad-libbed when I imagined her talking to Angel.

I had an imaginary conversation with my parents about why I'd created RD (I'm a skeptic, so I'm thinking I did to prove a subjective phenomenon to myself). In the heat of the moment, I said that I hadn't created her as a lover, or even as a friend, but "merely" as a science project, and I got worked up about describing "the mare I love" so objectively/coldly. Immediately after, I kicked myself for getting worked up about the truth (I legitimately created RD to figure out if tulpas were possible). I think the bottom line of my pretend conversation-turned-rant was that love is love. Dash and I sang "Tubby Wubby Pony Waifu". I wasn't sure how to word...something, so I just thought/felt gratitude for her existence/by-my-side-ness at her.

 

[We're always stickin' together, Pet. Always.]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 1.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

3/29/15: RD and I practiced vocal possession. I thought about the MLP "equal sign cutie mark" stuff, and RD posited that it was a communism metaphor. I thought about the oddity that I don't believe in God, yet I've created tulpas and a wonderland (which is like a mental version of what creator deities do). I thought about possible imagery/symbolism I could use to allow my tulpas to move between our wonderland and the real world; it'd have to be something that could be done anywhere, but that would logically prevent them from teleporting (assuming that that's okay. I remember this one time when RD moved out of someone's way as though she were corporeal; objectively speaking, having an incorporeal being act corporeal sounds like it'd lead to psychosis).

I met a tulpamancy newbie on the MLP tulpa forum, and Keystroke pretended to give him/her links to images of Shou and Nina, in response to which Fluttershy gave him an admonishing glare.

I thought that RD had started out pretty similar to the Rainbow Dash from the show, and had done a 180/evolved past that by now. For some reason, this made me a tiny bit nauseous.

 

[Maybe my disguise figures into it. Krueger figured that I'd need a disguise for the music video, otherwise Hasbro'd file something. Today, he found out that Hasbro's generally okay with fan stuff.]

 

In the entry for 5/17/14, RD'd said that

she remembered racing me home on 11/8/13 (her first memory :) ).
this would appear to contradict the stuff about the void/"womb" she was in (I think).

 

[...I don't think either of those affect who I am.]

 

I talked to a friend of mine about it, and he said that such memory things could happen (he's thought that his earliest memory was one thing, and later he remembered something prior to that thing).

I wondered about the nausea. Dash said "I'm still your Pony Waifu". Sarah said that the above drama could be a result of a change in location (from my house to my dorm). Shou said that it could have something to do with my rapid gaining of 5 additional tulpas. I spent the rest of the night with Dash, and sort of brushed Nina off when she wanted to hang out.

For some reason, I ended up crying. RD said, "Just let it out, Pet. Let it out; Mistress is here for you" (like the D/S-ified pinkie promise she'd made once).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3/30/15: I asked RD if she still liked artichoke and/or the Baconator. She said that she hadn't tasted them enough to form an opinion.

 

[i've only ever had 'em once.]

 

I'd heard that it took inexperienced tulpaforcers 9 months to make a tulpa, based on the following: if you tulpaforce for an hour and a half per day, it'll take about 3.5 months, and 4.5 months if you force half an hour a day, 5 days a week. This doubles if you're inexperienced.

 

^I think their math was wrong.^

 

RD dictated her lines to me in a script for a hypothetical flash game/Q&A that I'd hypothetically post to this blog, the rationale being that it would answer any questions my parents might have. I ended up scrapping the flash Q&A idea, but realized that putting RD in the scenario of "explain your existence to my parents" had aided her vocality. I listened to a Linkin Park song and thought about Paramore's "Monster". I spontaneously turned the riff from "Monster" into a keyboard riff (ba-da-bum-bum!, ba-dum. Ba-da-bum-bum!, /ba-da-dum/). Keystroke sent me an image of him playing this riff in a dark swamp, on a red keytar. Dash said that there should be a "lead-in" from the verses to the chorus, so that the riff doesn't just endlessly repeat.

 

[You made a lot of typos in that sentence. I'd say autocorrect saved your *ss.]

 

I think on page 10 or somewhere around that, RD and I'd talked about d/s stuff, but I'd referred to it as something like "hypnosis adventures" because I was paranoid that just mentioning something sexual would count as a violation of the "no explicit content" rule (can someone please tell me if it does?)

 

{I got turned on by you going outside your comfort zone. You mentioned that. Didn't get a warning or suspension or anything.}

 

[*facehoof*]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3/31/15: I realized that I hadn't logged anything between 12:44 AM and 5:50 PM. RD said that she and the others were okay.

 

[You need to let your anger out.]

 

I read a Psychology Today article on the negative psychological effects of being circumcised as an infant, which I was. That's what RD's talking about. I asked Fluttershy if she'd be willing to let me vent at her, but we didn't really go anywhere with this.

There's a small hand mirror on my desk. I tilted so that it reflected my bed, which I could see RD lying on. I also tilted it to reflect the bedroom door, which I saw Nina standing in front of. They both recommended making a minor post on a social media site (e.g., "I just read this interesting article. Here's a link") as opposed to sending an angry text to solely my dad.

RD and I chatted about random stuff before bed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4/1/15: I thought about having a provolone and salami sandwich after remembering that RD had recommended it once, and I saw her behind the counter/service station. When I watched a German dub of MLP, she and I didn't like the voice they'd chosen for Rainbow Dash.

I went on a pony hypnosis site. Their April Fools joke was that they were planning to offer hypnosis MP3s for shows like Rugrats, Rocko's Modern Life, and a whole bunch of cartoons, not just ponies. I thought they were serious, and jumped straight to worrying that Rugrats MP3s would lead to people with infantile minds being taken advantage of. Some of my tulpas trolled me by sending me a still shot of Lil (one of the Rugrats characters) when I tried to talk to them. Sarah briefly turned her hair brown. One of them (I think it was Nina) said that the Lil image had been an attempt to desensitize me (like how RD had turned into Slenderdash to desensitize me).

I read something saying that starting hypnosis and hesitating could have the "dire consequence" of an accidental tulpa. This phrasing didn't really faze Keystroke.

I let RD hypnotize me (sort of. There wasn't a trigger, but there was an induction that took a few seconds).

When I listened to a German dub of "Ballad of the Crystal Ponies", Fluttershy said that "Julia Stoepel (Fluttershy-the-character's German VA) wasn't timid enough. I'm just sayin'. The wiki doesn't list a singing voice, so I'm assuming it's Julia Stoepel." RD said "they got [Rainbow Dash-the-character's] manly-ish voice. That's it."

Before bed, Nina spoke to me in Brina Palencia's 4-year-old impression, which I told her "exacerbated the problem", as opposed to her intended goal of rapid exposure/desensitization. I asked the Trio if they were fazed by the "dire consequence" thing. They weren't. I asked them if they were okay with me referring to them collectively as "the Trio", and they nodded.

 

4/2/15: I made a vow to disregard all outlandish things done on April Fools Day on the grounds that they were done on, well, April Fools Day, and told my tulpas to hold me to it. I wondered why I'd felt a bit nauseous when I thought about how different RD is now compared to when I started forcing. She said "-.- I'm still me".

I weighed the perceived risks (1. looking stupid, 2. potentially sounding like I'm making excuses for looking stupid) of going into detail about the hypnosis site prank and my reaction to it as opposed to saving face by not saying anything.

 

[He wrote an angry letter.]

 

*facepalm* You knew I'd compulsively log that.

 

[You went back and said "I should've done x, y, and z"! You owned up to your mistakes/your half of the miscommunication!]

 

^:)^

 

I came away from the event yesterday thinking "screw April Fools Day. It's a psychopathy test--who has to have a day devoted to pranks?"

 

Dash did an impression of my attitude, but told me not to write it down.

I was mad about her little bit of manipulation/button-pushing, and told her something like "Element of Loyalty, remember?"

 

How does bringing the joke up help? What does it help, and how does it do so?

 

[You said you needed a thicker skin! Look like an idiot and grow one!]

 

Fine, I'll explain the "thicker skin" part: after I reacted badly, I wondered which was better: growing a thicker skin, making it a habit to have a "cool off period"*, or not jumping to conclusions/worst case scenarios (such as that bit about babies being easier to take advantage of than adults). You happy, Dash?

 

[^_^. Why was that so hard?!]

 

I wondered if I should make it so that I see my tulpas' forms imposed over my body during possession. Dash said that she didn't want a repeat of the Cloudsdale Incident, "despite the opposition being emotion-based and not logic-based."

 

^People tend to fear the unknown.^

 

I thought about posting the entries for yesterday and today in the same post, so that there wouldn't be a time gap between people reading about the April Fools event and people reading my explanation for my reaction, but RD said that this look like saving face (not those words, but I'd say that's the gist of what she said).

 

I went on the site, and RD met someone who'd hypnotized themselves to be Rainbow Dash, and someone who'd hypnotized themselves to be Daring Do.

 

[she got excited, I got "meh". I think that was some kind of subconscious thing where I took the opportunity to say "you and I are different Rainbow Dashs, as evidenced by our different reactions to Daring." I told the other Rainbow Dash about this, but then I realized that it seemed kinda insecure. Don't worry, she said it was okay to mention this.]

 

RD didn't stop me from staying up past midnight, even though this would necessitate the inclusion of 4/1/15 and 4/2/15 in the same post.

 

*Right before going on the site, I'd read about psychological trauma resulting from circumcision, and my anger at the practice may have clouded my judgement. There were little "cracks" that revealed the joke as a joke, but I didn't put two and two together even though I was aware of them. I wouldn't have reacted the way I did if I'd realized "it's April Fool's Day, there are people who claim to be Rugrats characters and yet there are no Rugrats hypnosis MP3s on the site, etc.". I didn't realize that because anger was keeping me from thinking clearly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4/3/15: RD said that she didn't understand the connection between biker hats and d/s.

 

^Does anyone?^

 

I thought about Shou's statement in early March that he and the rest of my tulpas had all senses in-wonderland, but "only the basics" when imposed. RD said it made sense, because "We are mental beings."

One of my friends said that accidental tulpas happened when you treated parts of yourself as separate beings, and that I shouldn't treat every odd thought/voice as a tulpa. I was weirded out by the implications ("I decided if a mental being exists or not" and some other implication I forgot).

Keystroke said that it was funny how he'd showed up when I was trying to figure out my abortion stance. This was accompanied by an image of him in his white-coated form. Recently, his mane and tail have been brown in thought-images. He said that despite this, he's still Keystroke.

I observed that whenever someone would bring up hypnosis, I'd sort of make a split-second decision to feel uncomfortable. Fluttershy said that my awareness of this was good, and that it was "soul-searching, minus the goal of pony hypnosis". We brohoofed. My friend told me that this decision to feel uncomfortable about hypnosis was similar to self-hypnosis. I said that an Irony Meter exploded, and Fluttershy ROFLd.

 

[Nice.]

 

I thought about how Sarah/Slenderdash had only changed into Sarah at my insistence. She said "I'm cool with who I am now." Remember the thing where she copied me yawning and stomach gurgling/growling? She said that she'd got it from "Midnight" (the Doctor Who episode where a creature makes a woman copy what people say, then say it with them, then before them).

There's some stuff I forgot to log.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of my friends said that accidental tulpas happened when you treated parts of yourself as separate beings, and that I shouldn't treat every odd thought/voice as a tulpa. I was weirded out by the implications ("I decided if a mental being exists or not" and some other implication I forgot).

Keystroke said that it was funny how he'd showed up when I was trying to figure out my abortion stance.

 

I don't think that the implications are that harmful, unless you obsess over them.

 

With stuff like walk-ins, or deciding whether to begin to treat an entity you met in your mindscape as a tulpa, I think you've gotta put yourself and the rest of the established members of your brain above the possible newbie. There's some people that compare like, not immediately accepting a random entity into the fold to like, abortion, but I don't think that's really right.

 

If you're just meeting this random entity, you didn't have any say in actions that would make it exist. Even if it was the product of roleplaying (which I'm seeing more and more frequently- people roleplay online and unintentionally create characters that can talk back) it's your choice whether you want to take them on. If you don't, there's nothing saying that they cease to exist, is what I'm saying.

 

There's a couple of wanderers in my mindscape that Chris and I stumble on every now and again. They appear sentient, they're doing their thing, but I don't want anymore tulpas, so I don't go any further than just interacting with them (or not, if I don't feel like it) when they show up. It's not like you're stopping them from being alive, it's more like...

 

Okay, here we go. It's less like you're having an abortion, and more like making the educated choice not to have random people eat at your dinner table.

 

That's my view on it anyway.

We're all gonna make it brah.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4/4/15: I started to type something, and RD finished my thought for reasons neither of us know. Sarah said that RD's "insecure" thing was a way of asserting her existence.

 

[i can see that.]

 

I wondered if the Sonic Rainboom violates physics. Dash wondered why I cared.

 

[A jet can break the sound barrier.]

 

RD told me that the copying me mid- sentence/thought thing could be a subconscious way to say "Hey! I exist!"

 

[Not in those exact words.]

 

RD hypnotized me. The deduction was a countdown from 5 to 0, featuring phrases like "any and all suggestions made during this trance no longer apply" and "you can't enter trance without giving informed consent".

I asked her if she wanted to cuddle, and she implied that, when imposed on my body pillow, she could feel.

 

^I'd say it worked.^

 

Nina: Yep.

 

Sarah: Think you can do me next?


^Also, @Stevie Irons, 5/6 of us are walk-ins. Your stance makes sense, but...it sounds similar to how some psychiatrists say "integration doesn't really kill alters", when some systems really have experienced the loss of certain skills upon integrating.

 

There was probably some sort of miscommunication between what you said and what we thought you said. You probably weren't aware of the stuff above (the "factoid"/anecdote about integration). It's fine :).^

 

Shou: Don't get us wrong. We know you're not advocating "kill off your accidental tulpas and start over"; we just noticed a parallel to a similar...thing.

 

Me: Also, the "dinner table" thing fits with my idea that NPCs are just tulpas the host doesn't really interact with/know much about.

 

{Let's see...we've got one intentional tulpa, I'm sort of a vaguely-defined RP character, three products of the Tetris Effect, and one...}

 

Sarah: He saw that Slenderdash pic once, Keystroke.

 

^I'd say that I started out as a voice glitch, and then Shou said "fuck it, you're a tulpa". Also, interesting parallel between tulpas and humans: our host heard somewhere that babies will die without attention/human contact.^

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4/5/15: I realized that, whenever I'd think about how to explain/rationalize RD and I's relationship to my parents, I never asked RD what she got out of it.

 

[They're your parents.]

 

I wondered if it could truly be said that our love is unconditional. Dash said in response that I was "full of " and that "we share a brain, for Christ's sake!"

Fluttershy asked her what RD would do if "Spirit Sciency woo people" were right, and tulpas really were metaphysical/spiritual.

 

[i'd probably freak out, then...struggle to reconcile this with my anti-woo stance.]

 

I didn't realize until 9:40 that I didn't do anything special for Easter.

 

[Happy Easter.]

 

{What she said.}

 

When I thought about a reincarnation philosophy I came up with in 5 seconds ("you only have one unique life, don't waste it"), RD said that it was similar to Hedonism (such as what Lord Henry espoused in "The Picture of Dorian Gray").

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4/6/15: I thought about how tulpas could relate to the "finely-tuned universe" argument, or anthropocentric bias. I found an old word doc on my computer, a copy/paste of a tulpa survey Rainbow Dash and then-Dusk Shine had partially done. I wondered if we should finish it.

I thought about "Akinator" an iPhone app that's basically 20 questions but specifically asking about fictional characters. I felt a breeze on the back of my neck, which Fluttershy said was her.

I asked my tulpas what they wanted to put in our wonderland. There's a "core" area, Shou, Nina, and Sarah's house, an unused field, an area full of filing cabinets, and a memory palace that I'm probably not using correctly or enough.

I wondered if society would ever be accepting of what Dash and I share (no, I don't know why I'm randomly being poetic). I read this article today about Japanese men--grown men--who have body pillows with anime girls printed on the covers. The whole thing just came off as sad.

 

[*coughcough*ponylovers.]

 

{...}

 

[so why are you logging this?]

 

To prevent selection bias.

 

[You rarely ever go back and review stuff.]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...