Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy (Remastered 2022 ​😎​)

[Guest]

Your disappointment is regrettable, though not unwarranted.

 

What keeps me going is the idea in and of itself, the prospect of someday having an imposed qt grillfriend (/s), and yeah, the sense of responsibility I feel for those failed attempts. I mean, if I could go back and stop myself from every having learned about this, I would, though not for a lack of interest. But as it stands, I owe it to myself as much, or more, as any tulpa I have, to try and see it through at least once.

 

The mental stress is better or worse depending, ranging from the headaches I'm getting now, to guilt for being so awful, to messed up sleep. For a lot of Peachy's development, regardless of when I'd go to sleep, I'd suffer from fever dreams, and general restlessness because my mind seemed to be in some weird state of being that just happened to encourage those. Could be worse, and no, I don't think it's worth stopping just to get a bit more rest.

 

I know what you're talking about with me trying to play off possible tupperness as my own eager mind, as I mention that quite a lot, I think. There are some things I can't help but be unsure of, though, and there's nothing I can do for that. I fucked myself over well enough for parroting and puppeting, now I've gotta deal with it. At the same time, there are still a couple of events I'm fairly certain weren't me, mainly being what I think was some form of emotional communication, as mentioned several posts back. I can't rationalize it, even now, and that's what gives me such resolve in the belief that there are going to be fake events, but the real ones will find their way into a positive, and believable light. If not, hey, fuck me.

 

I doubt I've baffled anyone, honestly. More-likely, I'm just that person everyone acknowledges and ignores, because I'm always moping, and there's that sense of "How oblivious, all he has to do is [Have Faith/Force More/Try Something Else]!", or whatever. Slowpokes have been around since the site's inception, I'm just the one that's consistently around.

 

Whatever the case, I don't know where my doubt in general sits. In the concept, I'm not exactly super doubty lately, or anything, and yeah, I'm pretty sure there's someone listening, I have some modicum of faith in that. Whether that actually matters though, remains to be seen. There are plenty of people who claim belief is the most important aspect, so if my best attempt at embracing that isn't enough, nothing I can do. I tried.

 

Maybe it'll work, though. I hope it will.

[Guest]

Still at it, though the quality of the sessions, and my attention during, is dropping very, very fast

 

This does not bode well.

 

 

At this point, I think I'm totally reliant on little bits and pieces that I can assume are Null to keep going in full force. Like, I'll be visualizing, or narrating, and I'll hear something that might be me, but I'm tired enough that I'm not sure, and it'll just make me double my efforts for a bit, and then nothing for a while, then a possible something again, and so forth.

 

Just keep on, just keep on, just keep on..

 

 

I've done a bit of visualizing off the records like Timethief suggested, and it hasn't done anything, sadly. Not sure what it is, really. Maybe just the disinterest in doing it since I have to build literally every aspect of the wonderland from the ground up, because things don't "just happen", or appear like they seem to for some. I had some weird rooms pop up with Peachy, and that was interesting, but for the most part, unless I made note to memorize everything about them, they were totally fleeting.

 

Have tried to just not think at all, let my mind take me where it will, but yeah, so far nothing. Maybe eventually, though?

 

Hope so.

 

Work shit definitely isn't helping. It's all well and good save for this senile old dude that keeps giving me shit for working faster than him, though everybody wants him gone, so he's supposed to be replaced in the next week or two. After that, things should be much less stressful, and I might be able to get into the tuppering mindset for more quality work-forcing.

 

Egh.

[Guest]

So today at work has been mediocre, but better than it has been lately. Still, I've been musing on ideas for forcing, and think I might have figgered one out

 

So anyone who knows me knows I role-play with myself, in my head, and visuals seem to be decent during. Because fuck me. Anyway, in the past, I've attempted to integrate roleplaying with forcing, to no avail, because it's a pretty different thing, the way it feels on my mind.

 

So in attempts to keep my mind in that RP kinda mindset, I'm going to throw together some files with audio queues telling me to switch between RP, and forcing, with sounds that are less harsh than what an alarm would provide me with, if I was using one to do the same basic thing.

 

I figure I throw together a few, with a few different alterations, and throw it on random or something. Ten minutes of RP, five of forcing, five of RP, five of forcing, five of RP, ten of forcing, and done. As an example. I know that's not much time dedicated to forcing itself, but that's not really the point.

 

Maybe after a while of doing this, with files that encourage longer and longer segments dedicated to forcing, I can keep my focus a bit better, as well as get a better feel for what makes my RP stuff tick so well.

 

Just an idea, though. Maybe will work, maybe not. Also, am posting about it before the fact because I'm more liable to actually do it.

 

yep

[Guest]

It was interesting. I went with a kind of 5/5 thing for twenty minutes before passing out last night, and I was definitely holding attention to forcing fairly well. Something about the whole "switching thought processes on a dime" thing just kept me engaged and aware.

 

I think I'll make a version with pink noise for work, as well. Just, instead of RP, I'll be thinking of whatever I want. It's probably just the act of making a game out of it that makes it interesting, idunno.

 

In other news, it's muggy as fuck and mid-80's temperatures mixed with humidity are the only things that can give me a runny nose on this planet, so I'm currently very miserable. Results today may suck.

[Guest]

Need to get back into the swing of updating nightly or whatever, and I actually did stuff today so

 

I know I said I was miserable, and I was, but that thankfully cleared up eventually and I felt pretty good about tuppering. I haven't said so, but I've actually been super depressed about this for a few days, and it's been a struggle for a couple weeks now to convince myself that it's worth it, though I am managing to do so, but today, around halfway through work, I managed to weasel out an optimistic feel about it, and started clinging on for dear life. So yeah, I actually narrated a bunch, for the first time in a few weeks. Well, maybe forty minutes, but it's better than five, or ten.

 

Anyway, during all of that, I decided to try visualizing while I worked, and it actually turned out pretty good. Even now, for whatever reason, I'm getting fairly clear imagery of wonderplace, and I've kinda been looking around, and deciding where I want things. Once I started up, I loaded up one of the bodies I've been using for Null, made sure I was sure it was her I was talking to, and asked if she wanted to walk around with me or something.

 

She was 100% unresponsive, so either it wasn't her (Even though I'm fairly certain it was), or she's just not feeling like doing literally anything, for whatever reason.

 

Or she's still not really to that point, but I'd rather not consider that one.

 

Anyway, being that it was that way, I figured I'd just move on, and look around. I've got a pretty big house or whatever that I try to do my wonderland stuff in and around, but I figured we needed some outdoor stuff, so I stepped out, and did some landscaping. Was a grassy plane at first, added a slope downwards towards a beach or whatever, and then added some cool natural-rock archway coming off of a seaside cliff thing, and-- I don't know if I can really describe it properly. But yeah, did stuff down there, added a picnic table and umbrella (all of this whilst narrating what I was thinking, and considering doing), and threw some mountains into the background or whatever. Null wasn't with me, so I assume she was just in the house, sitting on the couch, staring forward as per always.

 

Also tried getting some scale figured out, by switching perspective from the beach to the house, and figuring the distance, but I don't think I've got it on lock. I'd just, you know, walk, but I can't take a single step while in the wonderland. Solely static perspectives, sadly. If things are moving, that's fine, but I've never been able to walk around, or move my head and stuff while wonderlanding. Kinda just have to just switch to where I wanna be standing or looking without the transition. Not sure if it's different in my RP stuff, I'll need to give it a try tonight and compare.

 

Yeah, idunno, either way, it was alright. I wouldn't call it fun, but it was a step in the right direction. Just gotta get her talking or whatever, and then I think it'll be fun. Either way, assuming I don't pass out before I can even go in again, I'll see if I can figure out some more landmarks (Assuming my visuals are still passable after I'm settled down).

 

Give today a 6/10, hopefully I can get back into the groove of things.

[timethief]

Nice dude, good you finally had an okay forcing session.

 

Combine that with some persistence and you'll (Probably) make it. Try to be around positive things to keep depression at bay. Good luck!

[Guest]

Thanks, dude. Will do my best.

 

 

Today's been something so far. Definitely that word that I just used.

 

For starts, visuals have been decent. Maybe I'm just more of a passive tuppermancer in general, but I seem to be doing alright while working. I've been working on trying to actually walk while in the wonderland, and found that being in water actually helps? It's weird. My sense of touch is my best, as I've mentioned many times, so something about the feel of water on my legs, feeling it move past as I walk, seems to tether my perspective or something.

 

Being underwater is cool and interesting too, apparently.

 

And yeah, they've just been all-around decent. It's great.

 

But the thing today is uh, maybe possibly, not 100% sure, but I think Null's moving around? Like, yesterday it was nothing, and today it's nodding, shaking, gesturing, and so on. Which is weird, right? I mean, it could be me, despite my constant trying not to puppet, but at this point? I'll take it. Whatever, you know? It's abundantly clear that real or fake, I'm going to have a hard time differentiating. And based on a pretty high amount of personal experiences, it still feels familiar to plenty of people, people think it's them, blah, blah, and people still come out feeling like they're making progress. So it's probably time to stop worrying about it, as much as I hate the idea.

 

Kinda begs the question to me, though, a kind of frightening one. If she's able to move, and nod at yes or no questions, make gestures, she clearly understands what I'm talking about. What's stopping her from speaking? And what's stopping such a high number of tuppers from speaking immediately after visual communication is down? I simply don't find it believable that they thoroughly understand language, and just can't speak "because reasons or it's too soon after or something".

 

It's scary because, if she does speak, in five minutes, ten minutes, an hour, it'll feel too fast. Like there was no progression from milestone to milestone (not that I'm not still taking movement very-much in stride), but yeah. Whatever happens, I'm still weird about progression, so I'm not sure what to think. I kinda hope it takes a while still, but really, who knows?

 

Idunno, lunch is almost over, update any other thoughts as edits if I remember anything else I wanted to mention.

[Guest]

Yeah, it's still scary, and I'm honestly avoiding doing too much wonderlanding as opposed to simply narrating because I'm afraid too much exposure to the whole movement thing is gonna scare me away again.

 

Wish there were just, idunno, a better way to process all of this, as well as be sure of what I'm seeing. As it is, there have been one or two moments when I've been like, "Okay, definitely gotta be Null", so I'll just try and remember those if I start going off of the deep end. Or whatever.

 

I don't know. Fun.

 

I haven't really done toooo much this weekend, sadly, but work should be aight. I'll do my best to fill out as much time for narration as possible, and I guess I'll try to get something or other done tonight, after I lay down.

 

As for the wonderland itself, not much to say. Haven't done much to it, and like I've mentioned, it's not like it just grows as I attempt to explore it or anything, so there's a whole lot of nothing outside of the areas I still try to spend my time in. It's mostly the beach. I think there's enough color and stimuli going on that I can hold my attention for a while. Doesn't hurt that being under the water is pretty interesting. I think Null digs it too, but she mostly just sits up on the shore, in a chair.

 

Ha, okay, doubt is fleeting now that I think of it, but the other day, I stepped into the living room of our house thing, and she seemed to be playing Galaga on a phone? I asked why she even had one, and what she could even do on it, and, yeah, Galaga, apparently. I'm sure as fuck not a Galaga nut, so I'll give that one to her, definitely.

 

Fun. Yeah, well, small developments, and general venting. It'll all work out in the end, I think. Just have to be patient.

[timethief]

Keep your head cool Enny. Take it slow. You're doing just fine.

 

Don't force anything (heh) that you don't want to do. I'm certain your tulpa knows that it ain't easy for you either. So if one day you can only pull passive (narration) off, then just do that. But don't skip both. You're gonna make it dude; keep that in mind.

[Guest]

thanx

 

 

Yeah, it's getting sliiightly easier, I think. I'm still a bit on the recoil from visuals, but when I've actually been trying today, I wasn't constantly thinking "Okay that could have been me but I'll just not think about it", and am instead just taking it as it comes, like I should have been doing for years.

 

So anyway, as far as I can tell, Null seems pretty apathetic. Which is kind of funny, as I'm not sure what else I was expecting. A tupper who's super enthused and wants to run around and frolic, maybe? I see a lot of that, plenty of excited tuppers around. But no, she seems to do a lot of sitting around, either down on the beach while we're there, or in the living room, just vaguely paying attention to what I'm saying, and nodding occasionally or something.

 

Which is cool, you know, I'll take what I can get. Still, kind of funny. Maybe it's a tactic on her part to do what I probably wouldn't expect. I'll try not to read too much into that, though.

 

Yes, the days are good, solid 7/10 since movements started. Will do actual, interesting things tonight hopefully.