Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy (Remastered 2022 ​😎​)

[Grockstar124]

I think I like this journal the most. It just feels a lot more personal to me then most other journals. Just stating what I think.

[Kiahdaj]

I'm actually not familiar with your tulpa situation, as I haven't read the other 27 pages of your PR, but it's good to see you're picking things back up again, at any rate.

[Guest]

Appreciated, Grockster. I actually get that more than you would think, from random members.

 

And Kiahdaj, yeah, probably for the best. I'll leave it all up (Even though I really, really don't wanna) so that, assuming I actually make it somewhere this time, people like Grockstar can read through 27 pages of me sucking and then, hey, my sudden and pure resolve can inspire them to do better. Or something, Idunno.

 

It's definitely a super conscious battle so far. And it's only even been a couple days now, I guess. Like, I'm getting down, what if I'm just wasting my time, I'm not going to get anywhere, might as well just spend my time doing something more productive, then BAM, gotta fight back with that optimism. Even if it's forced, faking optimism is the first step towards actually having it, right? Gotta keep myself psyched up.

 

 

Anyway, as for day two, I think we did well. I narrated for, I don't know, an hour to an hour and a half total, passively, if I had to guess. Bit more, bit less, but the amount is irrelevant, right? Important bit is that every time I'd zone out, I'd do my best to snap back and find something to say.

 

Although, that is a bit of a thing, still. Three years later, and I still suck at narration. I just, really don't have much to say. Also, my job is manufacturing windows, right? Specifically, I usually run a drill and put locks on them, do a couple other things, eight hours a day. "Oh, yeah, these screws. White. The white ones are the best ones to do because they don't have too much paint on them, no problems keeping them steady. Screw the clay ones, and their thick coat of paint." And that's about all I can put forth on white screws, you know? That takes, what, a few seconds to say, and that's it. I just can't stretch out anything. Pretty much anything I'm into can be summed up in like, a minute at most.

 

Whatever though, even thinking "My feet huuurrrrt" for two hours straight is better than thinking nothing at all.

 

 

Unsure as of right now as to when I'm going to start introducing active, if at all. If I stop doing stuff once I'm home, I fall asleep, and my body considers being in a dark room thinking about things and doing nothing else to be in the category of "Effectively nothing". Mornings are out of the fucking question, don't even suggest them. I sleep until I have to wake up and get ready for my shift, that's not changing any time soon.

 

Maybe consolidate active into weekends? Two hours a day, Saturday and Sunday, doing something or other. I'll try. Active in general is still pretty tough, I think, so if it doesn't go to well, no surprise. I think my biggest issue is my perception of time. Like, when I'm just sitting in some dark room thinking about shit, or even saying it out loud, everything is moving like three times slower. Has always been an issue. Personality especially, I'll usually go through fifteen to twenty traits and find out that it's only been twenty five minutes, even though I'm sure that I spent as much time as possible explaining them.

 

Whatever, anyway, yeah, today was good. Hoping for another good day. Report then.

[Guest]

Day three of kicking ass and taking names was alright

 

It's getting to be that point in the week where I just feel drained, but I'm still managing to narrate more than I would otherwise, so that's something at least. I'd give it an hour to an hour and a half again, for today. Or yesterday, whatever it was.

 

Actually kinda funny to think, it would really only take fifteen minutes per hour of my shift to reach 2 hours, huh? I might be underestimating what I'm actually getting done, taking that into account, but I figure it's better to guess low.

 

As for interesting things, I almost thought that I was getting some kinds of headpressures after a while, but those went away. It wasn't like the headpains I usually experience just from existing, just a bit of a.. I don't know, feeling, lightly pressing down on my head. A head pressure, one might go so far as to say. I'm not sure exactly how much I subscribe to the thought, but the odds of a former tupper, likely being Peachy, having latched onto Null and giving me some kind of base (past, well, zero work put-in), isn't impossible, so if they were actual headpressures, as they did occur during narration, that's cool, and there's a possible explanation for them happening so early-on. If it was just random feelings though, that's cool too, I'm not gonna get upset.

 

So yeah, doing well so far. Gonna keeep oooonnnnn. Rest of the week might be better or worse, which is fine, just gonna keep sparing attention when I can.

[Vos]

Those sounds like head pressures, yes, but it's not impossible that those are just a result from all of that focus on a single task. Is it anywhere specific on your head, by the way?

[Guest]

Those sounds like head pressures, yes, but it's not impossible that those are just a result from all of that focus on a single task. Is it anywhere specific on your head, by the way?

 

What I'm currently doing isn't too intensive regarding focus, so I doubt it was that. Could have just been coincidence, I guess. Also, leftish side. Probably up and around my temple. I got two of them, and haven't seemed to have gotten anymore since, so it was probably nothing. Still, weird, not a feeling I can recall getting before? We'll see how it goes as it goes on, huh.

 

Anyway, today was okay. I've done better, I've done worse. Probably an hour of narrating total. Just, yeah, that time of the week. Thursday is usually the worst for me every week, then Friday is alright because I've been paid, so likely more stuff then.

 

 

I'll definitely have to start giving some thought as to what else I can go over. Not sure, as it stands. I'm considering bringing some stuff to read during breaks that I can narrate. I've got a couple issues of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure in hardback, so maybe one of those. The pictures would probably do me well.

[Guest]

Today was a bit of a downer. Was late for work, and in a bad mood in general, as my dum brother got my debit card eaten at the bank and I couldn't retrieve it, so we spent like two hours running around and making calls just to get that money into another bank because the one that ate my card wasn't technically the one I was with, just the one I had to go through to access my online funds.

 

So yeah, was pretty pissy at work, then I won $75 for the weekly drawing that we have, felt better, and then almost before I could even blink, it seemed, the day was over.

 

Probably managed like.. Idunno, forty minutes at most? Probably less. It'll be better next week, just a weird day. I did wind up doing a bit of reading, and narrated that, which is where most of my time came from, but yeah.

 

Also, still feeling good. Still feel optimistic, relatively motivated, etc.

 

Not much else to comment on. Will be out all day tomorrow, so I may or may not get anything done. Update if I do. If not, update on Sunday night summarizing the whole weekend.

[Guest]

I totally meant to update last night cause weekend, but didn't. I narrated a bit. Saw Batman vs Superman, tried narrating it, too busy watching

 

It was alright

 

 

Today though, went pretty well, if I do say so myself. Last Friday's escapades and being late for work meant I had to go in early today, which left me in a pretty tired state, and negative attitude, so the first bit was a lot of me trying to narrate and giving up because I was mentally dead. Fast-forward a bit, break, head down to the store to buy energy fuel, aaand a progressive increase in both mood and productivity, oddly enough. Caffeine usually makes me feel like death, but hey, sure

 

So the hardcore narrating starts. Or, at least, the regular narrating starts. I actually somehow had things to talk about? A lot of it was talking about possible forms. Some was just me going over the name so I could try to get myself saying it more often, and in lieu of 'tupper', which I'm still trying to get off of my tongue. Don't know if I mentioned, but that's what I was calling her for the month before I started posting again.

 

Anyway, I super dig Null. It's grown on me a lot, and it's not really based off of anything. Well.. It is, but I had no former attachment or anything like with literally every other name prior. Not any more than "I like it", anyway.

 

So yeah, a bit of time passes like that, then some time after lunch, I just started going at it like crazy. So hard yo. Fucking just narrated until I couldn't narrate anymore

 

Which is to say, more than usual. End of the night's count was probably two or more hours.

 

But yeah, during that portion, I actually took a lot of time to get clearing my head down, I think? I'd ask questions, and do my best to listen up, and try to keep from responding to myself like I'm usual. Will that prevent actual responses? Who knows? I just know that it has to be done, because I 150% will respond to myself if I give myself even a little bit of headroom. And I honestly did a few times tonight. It's just, so ingrained.

 

But yeah. It was good, and I had fun. As well as all, could I be developing.. Faith? Maybe. I'm not really constantly thinking "I know it'll just be me in the end, but as long as I can't tell, it'll be aight" anymore. More-so, "We're gonna wreck this shit, Null. I'll keep doing this, you do whatever you do, we'll be done in no-time".

 

Will it last? Hopefully. I just need to kick my own ass into a state where I, yeah, continue to kick my ass when I start getting negative.

 

Also, as an aside, I should be moved out of father's house this weekend, which should help things. I can't even think in the small room I'm in now, let alone really force like I feel I need to. I need room to pace, and lay on the floor, or spin around in my chair. Which, hey, new place will have! Current room is like, eight by nine feet, and filled to brim. New room is 2.5 times bigger than that or something. Roughly. So hey, looking forward to that.

 

Anything else? Don't think so. But yeah, good feels all around. Will do my best to keep it up throughout the rest of the week.

[Guest]

Have definitely meant to update lately, but work has been kinda crazy, and I'm waaaayy more tired than usual.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday, I'd say, were equally bad. Just not in the right state of mind, I think. I've been picking up narration more at night than usual, though, so that's good. Not a terrible lot, but a bit. Today was pretty eh, but there was a lot more going on than the other days. Went over a lot of stuff with Tupper, and still seem to be in my optimistic mood, regarding it all. So that's good.

 

Did a lot of pondering on forms, but I'm not sure there's anything in particular that I'm comfortable with pursuing, right now. I'm not currently practicing visuals, so I suppose it doesn't matter either way, but eh, will have to get it figured out sooner or later. Hopefully get her vocal soon, and the both of us can decide on it, huh?

 

Will try to do more-interesting things tomorrow.

[Guest]

Have been meaning to update, but not much to update with.

 

Friday was a weird day, as I was actually doing a different job all day, and wasn't in my comfy narration-friendly bubble. Which sucks. Then the weekend was weird, trying to get things moved into my new home (Actually moving is delayed until tonight/tomorrow).

 

Yesterday was okay, though. Not the greatest, but okay, and my resolve seems to be as good as it's been. Which is unbelievable, for me. I haven't broken down and had to convince myself to keep on once, which is, yeah.

 

Although, I do have questions and concerns, I think. Main one being whether or not I should work on personality. I can spout off traits and relate them to Null all day, but honestly, I'm not the kind of person able to constantly associate them with a tupper, to develop that "feeling" when I think of Null. I get a unique feeling with physical people, but I'm unsure as to whether or not I'd effectively just be narrating, and nothing else?

 

Speaking of narrating, it's still definitely not habitual, and it hasn't become any more habitual. Yeah, I have good days, but that's just me forcing myself to focus, as opposed to any kind of naturally slipping into narration. I know I've probably said it's getting easier, but that's a lie, and past-me should be ashamed for it. Maybe it's just that it's getting easier to force myself to do it? I don't know. Biggest thing is that it feels totally unnatural, still. Like, I'll sprinkle in her name periodically, make sure I know I'm addressing her, but it still feels 160% uncomfortable, or awkward. Hope that improves soon, and I kind of expect it to. Just sucky, is all.

 

 

What else? I've been cycling through some random forms, from characters, to original appearances I can think of. Not really bueno with anything. Nothing, idunno, feels right. Also, as soon as I start visualizing any kind of body, I get movement, and I know damn well that's my puppeting, so that's only slowing things down. Which I already knew was gonna happen, so my bad for messing with visuals when I had no intention of doing so.

 

Wonderlanding is boring, anyway. I feel like I'd really have to convince myself that running around in my head is fun. The most exciting scenario possible, is, sadly, made dull by the fact that it's only in my head.

 

I'm being a downer, though I'm not really feeling like I am, so no worries there. Just kind of thinking out-loud.

 

Yeah, idunno, it's going aight. Still working at clearing my head and listening for things. Nothing so far, and no more head-pressures either. Can't think of anything else that could be coming from Tupper, so I guess it's still all on me, for now. Not that that stops me from emphasizing that she probably needs to do some work from her end, "I know you can do it, gurl", and etc., so yeah, still treating her like she's there, and I definitely don't have any doubts that I can discern that she's not. Kind of just in a state of "Yeah, it's probably going pretty well behind the scenes", so that's good. I think that's good, anyway.

 

Uh, rambling. Yeah, will update again tonight maaaybe? Not totally sure. It's likely just going to be more narrating, though if I come up with anything interesting to mention, or questions to ask, I will.