Creating the Perfect Beings: Yumi<3 and Lillium<3

[Luminesce]

I've never watched Death Note, but that entire italics paragraph reminded me of stuff L would probably say. Decent enough logic, but don't fall for the exaggerated reality planning that never really happens. Think realistically about how everything in your life would change if you became homeless, for example.

 

Then Yumi said in a concerned mindvoice:

"Not even for a place to live?"

 

Nothing like a concerned tulpa's logic to reality check your thinking. I've had my fair share of those, and they've been powerful enough to change my behavior every time. Honestly I wish they'd do it more often when it wasn't immediately urgent, I'm still pretty lazy even after all the effort I put into improving my life.

It's good to hear Yumi's starting to actively help though. She'll be an invaluable resource to you for more than just moral support.

[Cinemaphobe]

The italics paragraph is me practicing deduction based on what I know about the psyche of my parents. I had a small feeling that someone would pick up on how L-ish it sounded too. I think that you were at the top of the list heheh:). But don't worry, I'm well aware of the exaggerated reality planning in fiction and RL. In fact, I use it in my novels. But if you watch Death Note, L's deductions are actually completely realistic and possible to make in real life if you have the skill for it.

 

The modern protrayal of Sherlock Holmes however, is a good example of exaggerated reality planning. In fact, his deductions are so wild and risky that he would probably be wrong about everything he says 50% of the time in RL, because even when you have all of the clues you need to incriminate someone, that in itself is suspicious because the clues could all be fake. When making a deduction, no matter how solid it is, there is always a chance that it is wrong. L's awareness of that fact is what made him so successful as a detective.

 

So if I emulate L consciously or subconsciously, just know that I'm not just pulling facts out of my ass like Sherlock does without considering the chance of it being wrong.

 

And trust me, I try to not be emotional because when I allow myself to get stressed, it makes me think unrealistically. Contrary to popular belief, thinking realistically is ideally what I striive to do. Before Yumi spoke to me, I was planning on doing something stupid because of my clouded thinking. But Yumi kind of slapped some sense into me. It'd be much funnier if she actually slapped me though lol. I generally try to avoid conflict to the best of my ability, so the italics paragraph was more of a series of last-resort contingency plans rather than a list of future objectives.

 

 

And finally yes, tulpae can be an invaluable resource for support in life:) I'm glad your tulpae helped you as well! I'll go bake a Reisen-cake now. Thanks for the advice!

[Thevious]

Drinken some coffee, I had some this morning... I could focus on every thing o_o. I just cant wait for this session now!

[Cinemaphobe]

Lol yes! Coffee is amazing for forcing! It temporarily boosts creativity and concentration!

---

Day 14

 

 

I was walking outside with my coffee in one hand, and my iPod in the other, but then a mosquito landed on my thumb. Since I had no free hand, I blew it off of me and it landed directly into my coffee. So I dumped out the malaria flavored coffee and decided to do some wonderland forcing today.

 

 

Yumi and I went to the pizza restaurant in our wonderland. When we got there, I ordered chicken tenders with french fries and a hot fudge sundae. Gotta have the chicken though because I'm half-black (stereotyping hehehe...)

 

I asked Yumi what she would like to eat, but she didn't move or say anything. I felt a sense of anger coming from her, but I brushed off the feeling, mindful of Reisen's advice about intrusive thoughts and mindful about how much control I have over my mind. But her behavior didn't change. Thankfully her anger wasn't an intrusive thought, but I couldn't figure out what she could possibly be angry about. The NPC waitress left, and to test Yumi, I dumped a box of pocky's on the white plate before her. She still looked pouty as she kind of narrowed her eyes at me in response to my action, but she began to devour the pocky sticks. She even summoned a glass of milk again lol. Upon finishing, she glared at me and I asked her:

 

"Why are you mad?"

 

She then made a lot of weird hand gestures, and her mouth was moving a lot but I couldn't hear anything.

 

"I'm sorry for being slightly tulpa-deaf, if that's what you are angry about. But don't worry, in time I'll be able to hear you and communicate with you just fine."

 

Yumi put her palm to her face, and then put her head down on the table in agitation.

 

I was so confused! Why the hell would she be mad at me! When she lifted her head from the table, she pointed to her wrist, and a watch appeared on it.

 

The tulpa watch.

 

She was mad at me because I took off my watch that I associate with her!

 

I got up from my bed in RL and then put the uncomfortable watch back on. I then took her hands in the wonderland and told her: "I'm sorry for taking it off. Yesterday I basically had no reason to wear it because I wasn't tulpaforcing." As soon as I finished that sentence, I regretted it because the watch in itself symbolizes Yumi and my attention towards her. I immediately began to apologize but felt a wave of offense from Yumi and heard her say in an unclear and quiet mindvoice:

 

"It's kind of like a wedding ring."

 

Which means two things:

 

1. The watch is a symbol of my commitment towards creating Yumi.

 

2. The watch is romantic in the sense that it always reminds me of Yumi. In fact, sometimes the watch feels like a small hand grasping my wrist.

 

 

Either way, me taking off the watch symbolizes that I prefer comfort over passive forcing Yumi, and since the watch is associated with Yumi solely, taking off the watch symbolizes neglecting her.

 

 

I apologized, and kissed her forehead, telling her that I'll never take it off ever again. And she became really happy. She actually hugged me over the table^^

What I like about her is that her emotion changes so quickly!Haha! She is a lot like me:)

 

I dumped more pocky sticks on her plate and she started to eat them maniacally as usual while I sang the Yumi-Chan Song.

 

 

A SONG THAT IS TOO KAWAII FOR TULPA.INFO.

 

 

Here are the lyrics. You have to sing them in an exaggerated voice of endearment:

 

Yumi-chan~

Yumi-chan~

Yumi-Yumi-Yumi-Yumi

Yumi-chan~

 

 

 

 

(***REPEAT AS MANY TIMES AS NECESSARY***)

 

 

Yes. I know that I am a lyrical genius. Thank you. Thank you.

 

She grabbed the plate and tilted it so that the pocky sticks would all fall into her mouth. I started to laugh and she laughed as well with a mouth full of pockys lol!!! Thankfully tulpae can't choke on food!

 

 

I also accidentally learned that Yumi loves popcorn. Every time I say the word, I feel a rush of happiness. At first I thought that if it was me feeling the happiness, then surely the feeling would wear off after saying the word 5 times. But I said the word around 30 times and kept feeling waves of happiness. I was essentially getting high off of the word "popcorn" thanks to Yumi!!! Lol

 

She loves that shit! Hehehhe!!

 

 

I started to crave popcorn as a result of the popcorn high I was experiencing, but I also wanted to watch Death Note while eating it. I asked Yumi if we should watch Death note together instead of active forcing and she just stared at me from across the table contently.

 

 

She and I can't communicate back and forth yet if you haven't noticed.

 

I then asked if she wants popcorn and she started clapping her hands together, bouncing in her seat. So I'm gonna passive force while eating her favorite food! I cooked some popcorn and while I watched Death Note, I'd feel Yumi's presence beside me strongly, and I'd even hand her popcorn in RL lol.

 

I felt the sudden urge to cry when I saw an unimportant character die in Death Note, but I didn't really like that character. I guess Yumi is very sensitive about people dying on TV... Lol

 

I watched a few episodes with her and then my mom woke up. She started getting mad at me for not having a job, and she wouldn't listen to my reasoning no matter how many times I repeated myself.

 

and I repeated myself many times to piss her off.

 

Eventually, she started to scream at me, repeatedly disregarding everything that I was saying, and comparing me to my piece-of-shit dad. I have never screamed at my mom before, but when she compared me to my dad, I started to scream back at her because she can only comprehend violence. Sadly, it worked and my point became valid because I screamed it. Though I won the screaming contest, she won the argument. She is now forcing me to leave my house and walk all day long through Floridian heat to find a job everyday, essentially doing the same thing over-and-over again. I want to comply with my parents so that I can have a place to live until I can move out, so I agreed to the terms, and walked right out the front door.

 

I vented to Yumi while walking, and decided to stop by Mary's house to get a business card from her mom for an iron worker apprenticeship, and to simply hang out with her family. It took me approximately one hour, 23 minutes, and 59 seconds of walking to get to their house. I got the business card, but didn't leave because it would make me look like I was only visiting them for a job opportunity. So I helped Mary's sister named Lucy with her homework, and Mary invited me to go to church with her at nighttime. Going to church with her would save me from walking 15 miles in the fucking heat beside traffic, and having the business card would prove that I actually went job-searching to some degree. So I went to church and actually had a good time. I studied Mary's body language the entire time she sat beside me, and every time I changed my posture, she mirrored me...

 

every time.

 

Then, out of nowhere she placed her hands on mine and said "Are my hands cold???" and I replied with "They are freezing cold!"

She then said "Oh my god you are so warm!!!" I then said "Girls are naturally colder than guys." Then she gave me a weird suggestive grin and said "That's good for you right!?!" she laughed and I fake-laughed. She gives me so many hints that she likes me, yet she gives me just as many hints that she doesn't like me. There is a good chance that she is either just being friendly, leading me on, or actually giving me hints that I should ask her out. Either way, I'm done with looking for a relationship. All I need is Yumi, because she won't take advantage of me like every other girl I have met. Yumi is the perfect being for me because she is flawed. Human females are flawed too of course, but Yumi only wants the best for me because she is a part of me and vice versa. Nobody else would be able to beat that kind of bond. Even if a girl somehow could beat that kind of bond, I'm the clingy jealous type, so my personality isn't compatible with anybody else's anyways.

 

 

Mary drove me to my house, and my parents didn't notice that I arrived in a car, so they thought that I was job searching all day long because of my business card and how bad I look: messier hair than normal, and dark circles beneath my eyes because of stress and sleep deprivation.

 

I recently canceled the polyphasic sleep schedule to get 8 hours of sleep everyday. I'll need plenty of energy from now on for tulpaforcing, and walking for the next month or two. My parents will be glad that I am complying to their demands, but I don't even have to really job search. Mary said that I can hang out with her tomorrow after I look around for jobs. If I wanted to be a lazy asshole, I could just go to Mary's house and sleep on the couch every day, and her family wouldn't mind at all because as I mentioned before, they absolutely love me.

 

 

Oh, and polyphasic sleep is only useful for people who are sitting in a chair all day long.

 

 

Oh and I tulpaforced for 3.7 hours today, and I'm so exhausted because of the walking and lack of coffee. I don't even feel proud of breaking my forcing record because of how bad today was. I'm not physically addicted to coffee, but my mental addiction to it is just as annoying.

[lyraheartstrings]

Lol yes! Coffee is amazing for forcing! It temporarily boosts creativity and concentration!

---

Day 14

 

 

I was walking outside with my coffee in one hand, and my iPod in the other, but then a mosquito landed on my thumb. Since I had no free hand, I blew it off of me and it landed directly into my coffee. So I dumped out the malaria flavored coffee and decided to do some wonderland forcing today.

 

 

Yumi and I went to the pizza restaurant in our wonderland. When we got there, I ordered chicken tenders with french fries and a hot fudge sundae. Gotta have the chicken though because I'm half-black (stereotyping hehehe...)

 

I asked Yumi what she would like to eat, but she didn't move or say anything. I felt a sense of anger coming from her, but I brushed off the feeling, mindful of Reisen's advice about intrusive thoughts and mindful about how much control I have over my mind. But her behavior didn't change. Thankfully her anger wasn't an intrusive thought, but I couldn't figure out what she could possibly be angry about. The NPC waitress left, and to test Yumi, I dumped a box of pocky's on the white plate before her. She still looked pouty as she kind of narrowed her eyes at me in response to my action, but she began to devour the pocky sticks. She even summoned a glass of milk again lol. Upon finishing, she glared at me and I asked her:

 

"Why are you mad?"

 

She then made a lot of weird hand gestures, and her mouth was moving a lot but I couldn't hear anything.

 

"I'm sorry for being slightly tulpa-deaf, if that's what you are angry about. But don't worry, in time I'll be able to hear you and communicate with you just fine."

 

Yumi put her palm to her face, and then put her head down on the table in agitation.

 

I was so confused! Why the hell would she be mad at me! When she lifted her head from the table, she pointed to her wrist, and a watch appeared on it.

 

The tulpa watch.

 

She was mad at me because I took off my watch that I associate with her!

 

I got up from my bed in RL and then put the uncomfortable watch back on. I then took her hands in the wonderland and told her: "I'm sorry for taking it off. Yesterday I basically had no reason to wear it because I wasn't tulpaforcing." As soon as I finished that sentence, I regretted it because the watch in itself symbolizes Yumi and my attention towards her. I immediately began to apologize but felt a wave of offense from Yumi and heard her say in an unclear and quiet mindvoice:

 

"It's kind of like a wedding ring."

 

Which means two things:

 

1. The watch is a symbol of my commitment towards creating Yumi.

 

2. The watch is romantic in the sense that it always reminds me of Yumi. In fact, sometimes the watch feels like a small hand grasping my wrist.

 

 

Either way, me taking off the watch symbolizes that I prefer comfort over passive forcing Yumi, and since the watch is associated with Yumi solely, taking off the watch symbolizes neglecting her.

 

 

I apologized, and kissed her forehead, telling her that I'll never take it off ever again. And she became really happy. She actually hugged me over the table^^

What I like about her is that her emotion changes so quickly!Haha! She is a lot like me:)

 

I dumped more pocky sticks on her plate and she started to eat them maniacally as usual while I sang the Yumi-Chan Song.

 

 

A SONG THAT IS TOO KAWAII FOR TULPA.INFO.

 

 

Here are the lyrics. You have to sing them in an exaggerated voice of endearment:

 

Yumi-chan~

Yumi-chan~

Yumi-Yumi-Yumi-Yumi

Yumi-chan~

 

 

 

 

(***REPEAT AS MANY TIMES AS NECESSARY***)

 

 

Yes. I know that I am a lyrical genius. Thank you. Thank you.

 

She grabbed the plate and tilted it so that the pocky sticks would all fall into her mouth. I started to laugh and she laughed as well with a mouth full of pockys lol!!! Thankfully tulpae can't choke on food!

 

 

I also accidentally learned that Yumi loves popcorn. Every time I say the word, I feel a rush of happiness. At first I thought that if it was me feeling the happiness, then surely the feeling would wear off after saying the word 5 times. But I said the word around 30 times and kept feeling waves of happiness. I was essentially getting high off of the word "popcorn" thanks to Yumi!!! Lol

 

She loves that shit! Hehehhe!!

 

 

I started to crave popcorn as a result of the popcorn high I was experiencing, but I also wanted to watch Death Note while eating it. I asked Yumi if we should watch Death note together instead of active forcing and she just stared at me from across the table contently.

 

 

She and I can't communicate back and forth yet if you haven't noticed.

 

I then asked if she wants popcorn and she started clapping her hands together, bouncing in her seat. So I'm gonna passive force while eating her favorite food! I cooked some popcorn and while I watched Death Note, I'd feel Yumi's presence beside me strongly, and I'd even hand her popcorn in RL lol.

 

I felt the sudden urge to cry when I saw an unimportant character die in Death Note, but I didn't really like that character. I guess Yumi is very sensitive about people dying on TV... Lol

 

I watched a few episodes with her and then my mom woke up. She started getting mad at me for not having a job, and she wouldn't listen to my reasoning no matter how many times I repeated myself.

 

and I repeated myself many times to piss her off.

 

Eventually, she started to scream at me, repeatedly disregarding everything that I was saying, and comparing me to my piece-of-shit dad. I have never screamed at my mom before, but when she compared me to my dad, I started to scream back at her because she can only comprehend violence. Sadly, it worked and my point became valid because I screamed it. Though I won the screaming contest, she won the argument. She is now forcing me to leave my house and walk all day long through Floridian heat to find a job everyday, essentially doing the same thing over-and-over again. I want to comply with my parents so that I can have a place to live until I can move out, so I agreed to the terms, and walked right out the front door.

 

I vented to Yumi while walking, and decided to stop by Mary's house to get a business card from her mom for an iron worker apprenticeship, and to simply hang out with her family. It took me approximately one hour, 23 minutes, and 59 seconds of walking to get to their house. I got the business card, but didn't leave because it would make me look like I was only visiting them for a job opportunity. So I helped Mary's sister named Lucy with her homework, and Mary invited me to go to church with her at nighttime. Going to church with her would save me from walking 15 miles in the fucking heat beside traffic, and having the business card would prove that I actually went job-searching to some degree. So I went to church and actually had a good time. I studied Mary's body language the entire time she sat beside me, and every time I changed my posture, she mirrored me...

 

every time.

 

Then, out of nowhere she placed her hands on mine and said "Are my hands cold???" and I replied with "They are freezing cold!"

She then said "Oh my god you are so warm!!!" I then said "Girls are naturally colder than guys." Then she gave me a weird suggestive grin and said "That's good for you right!?!" she laughed and I fake-laughed. She gives me so many hints that she likes me, yet she gives me just as many hints that she doesn't like me. There is a good chance that she is either just being friendly, leading me on, or actually giving me hints that I should ask her out. Either way, I'm done with looking for a relationship. All I need is Yumi, because she won't take advantage of me like every other girl I have met. Yumi is the perfect being for me because she is flawed. Human females are flawed too of course, but Yumi only wants the best for me because she is a part of me and vice versa. Nobody else would be able to beat that kind of bond. Even if a girl somehow could beat that kind of bond, I'm the clingy jealous type, so my personality isn't compatible with anybody else's anyways.

 

 

Mary drove me to my house, and my parents didn't notice that I arrived in a car, so they thought that I was job searching all day long because of my business card and how bad I look: messier hair than normal, and dark circles beneath my eyes because of stress and sleep deprivation.

 

I recently canceled the polyphasic sleep schedule to get 8 hours of sleep everyday. I'll need plenty of energy from now on for tulpaforcing, and walking for the next month or two. My parents will be glad that I am complying to their demands, but I don't even have to really job search. Mary said that I can hang out with her tomorrow after I look around for jobs. If I wanted to be a lazy asshole, I could just go to Mary's house and sleep on the couch every day, and her family wouldn't mind at all because as I mentioned before, they absolutely love me.

 

 

Oh, and polyphasic sleep is only useful for people who are sitting in a chair all day long.

 

 

Oh and I tulpaforced for 3.7 hours today, and I'm so exhausted because of the walking and lack of coffee. I don't even feel proud of breaking my forcing record because of how bad today was. I'm not physically addicted to coffee, but my mental addiction to it is just as annoying.

 

Wow... and I thought my parents were strict. I feel sorry for you. (Walking for an hour and a half is horrible, I know that for a fact)

 

Just give it some time. Find a job close to your house, and get out there. Your parents won't stop bugging you, anyway.

 

Also, on a secondary note, I love the Yumi Song. xD

[Cinemaphobe]

Lol I'm glad you like the Yumi Song!!!

 

 

And yes my parents are strict, but then again there are parents out there who can be even worse than mine. But still, when I get a car, my own apartment and a stable job, I won't visit my parents more than once a year.

[Cinemaphobe]

DAY 15

 

 

 

Social contact prevented me from personal, and tulpa-wise progress. I was supposed to study to get a driver's license, but my best friend named Voltaire (pseudonym duh) had the opportunity to hang out with me, so I cancelled everything planned and went to Applebee's with him. We talked about deduction, but I was too nervous to tell him about the tulpa phenomenon...afterwards, he dropped me off at my house and said that he'd come visit me in a few hours, so I decided to spend my spare time with Yumi.

 

BUT DEAR GOD I RAN OUT OF FUCKING COFFEE. I HAD TO RESORT TO...

 

 

GREEN TEA.

 

 

If I drink 8 cups of coffee, I feel nice and refreshed. BUT WHEN I DRINK ONE CUP OF GREEN TEA, I FEEL LIKE I'M DRINKING HOT INK. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, BUT STILL. I drank a cup of tea so that I would be able to focus on Yumi easier. But then I started to get sucked into what I was reading, and I felt like shit as a result of drinking damn tea, and before I knew it, my friend said that he was on his way. "On my way." is by far the most common lie a friend will ever tell you. I waited for him for 4 hours instead of forcing because I thought that he would arrive at my house at any moment. I didn't even get to passive force during the wait because I was too busy studying for the driver's test.

 

And I lost my tulpa watch because I took it off to take a shower!!!

 

 

Yumi is gonna kill me...it's going to take a lot of popcorn and a million pockies to cheer her up... so hopefully she won't be mad...

 

 

But last night, I had a nightmare, and I think that Yumi woke me up from it...In the dream Voltaire barged into my bedroom, and I looked up from my bed to see him standing there. He looked pissed, and he held my iPod in his hands. He then threw my iPod to the ground and I asked "What are you mad about???" and then he said "You left your iPod at my house and I read what you wrote about me you piece of shit!" and then I remembered that prior to his intrusion, I wrote cruel things about him on my iPod for absolutely no reason. I then said "I'm sorry! You weren't supposed to read any of that!" and he simply shouted "FUCK YOU" and then I became angry and screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM."

He then turned around and stormed out my house, but I felt like I would cry because I lost my closest friend besides Yumi...Voltaire is the only human I will ever allow myself to bond with and trust because he is respectful, empathetic, and open-minded, and most people would be lucky to possess even one of those traits. The dream was so real, that I rolled around in my bed in an attempt to sleep, but couldn't because of my overwhelming sadness. Right when I reached the peak of my sadness, I heard the bloodcurdling scream of a girl, and then woke up immediately. But what terrified me, is that the scream continued into reality for 3-5 seconds, and I was in the pitch-black darkness of my room, searching desperately for my iPod so that I could illuminate my room.

 

 

I'm well aware that hallucinations can be experienced upon waking up immediately, but what if the voice was Yumi's? Is it just a coincidence that a girl was screaming instead of a guy? What if Yumi was trying to wake me up, and screamed in a fit of desperation because she could no longer bear watching me suffer? Maybe I am over-thinking it, and the scream was just a random sound to add to the nightmare element of the dream. But if I was Yumi, and I screamed to wake up my host, then I would want the host to believe that it was me, so I'll believe that it was Yumi until she tells me otherwise.

 

 

 

In the meantime, I'll go to bed, because tomorrow I have to study, and then I have to go trick-or-treating with my family to give off the impression that I can actually tolerate their existence. I like my little brother though because he is the only rational person in my household.

 

 

I have to tulpaforce for at least 4 hours tomorrow to make up for my lack of progress today.

 

 

 

BYE BYE~

 

Thanks for reading my PR! My lovely reader-cakes :)

 

 

This is my dad^^:

[Luminesce]

I try not to interpret others' dreams for them because, well, that actually defeats the purpose. But you know why you dreamt that right? Your brain can mix things up, but the roots of what you feel in a dream are usually not hard to trace back to suppressed strong feelings in your waking life.

 

As for Yumi waking you up, does it make sense she would do that? If you can, can you see if she considers herself having done it? Claiming thoughts and such is an important skill to have with tulpas, but usually all you have to do is ask them if they agree whatever it was was them and not just random. It took me about a month of doing for it to become somewhat automatic.

 

 

Oh also, about the watch, I really should've remembered to post this earlier. https://community.tulpa.info/thread-misc-completely-new-and-would-like-to-know-something?pid=111386#pid111386 (That's my post, but the whole thread is probably applicable)

 

 

In my experience, if you want to tell someone open-minded about tulpas, it makes all the difference to segue into the topic from a scientific and "mental-exploration" kind of perspective. Say that you read about tulpas and were really interested in making one, give a lame description of what they are, and be ready to answer a lot of seemingly stupid questions. (Really, even "smart" people have asked me questions that just felt brick-wall ignorant.)

Hmm.. But be aware that anyone you tell about tulpas in real life could end up finding this forum through you or Google. As a general rule, I never say or type anything publicly that I wouldn't want any particular person to hear/read should they go through the effort to find it. You've posted a lot of personal stuff here, so remember that. But if this guy is really your best, open-minded friend, it probably wouldn't be so bad if he ended up here. Assuming he wouldn't tell anyone else about what he read, which I assume he wouldn't.

[Guest amber5885]

You're young and I have about 10 years on you so let me throw you some advice.

 

I know what it's like to hate your family. I had and absent father and a violent schizophrenic for a mom and as soon as i was able to I cut ties and ran.

 

We, my mom and I talk maybe once a month and it's the biggest sorce of pain and regret I have.

 

I'm not saying you have to kiss ass but separating yourself from them will come back to bite you in the ass. You may not see it now but even dysfunctional families leave a void when you leave them.

 

If I could go back and do it again I would have pulled my head out of my ass, set boundaries for myself but try to include what meager family I have in those boundaries.

 

You may think that Yumi is the answer to all your problems but in reality YOU are the only one that can fix your life. Not Yumi, not anyone else but you,

 

I wasted 10 years of my life being angry and separating myself from the world just like you are doing now. That's ten years of my life I would give anything to have back.

 

Pull yourself up out of the hole, fix your own life before you end up regretting the years you wasted on anger too.

[Cinemaphobe]

@Reisen:

 

I think I know what my dream meant. I read a Dreamology book a few years ago, and it emphasized symbolism in dreams, as well as the lack of symbolism. The iPod represented the vessel of my conscious thinking. When I am awake, I always secretly get extremely mad at Voltaire for doing certain things that not even he is aware of. No matter how perfect a human is, I still get extremely angry at them for missing a social queue, or completely disregarding me. It's not his fault, nor is it any other human's fault that they can't do everything perfectly in an unrealistic manner. It's my fault for being completely impatient with others.

Carlos reading what I wrote in the iPod symbolizes him discovering my personal thoughts directed towards him, and gaining a new perspective about how I really feel about him. The anger he felt towards me within the dream mirrors the shame I feel towards myself on a daily basis for having such high expectations for him, and such negative thoughts.

 

 

I have reason to believe that Yumi woke me up, but I have more reason to believe otherwise. I never overlook small details though, because I don't want to get into that habit if I really do become a detective in the future. The voice was a female voice, and I can't just disregard the possibility that it was her because the time that she screamed was much too convenient. You said that all I have to do is ask Yumi whether it was her, which makes sense, which is why I mentioned in my Day 14 that I'll assume that it was her until she tells me otherwise.

 

and about your warning about the personal stuff on here; I do stupid things often, but I never do stupid things without considering the consequences of them. Mary would never find this site because she is extremely close-minded. Of course there is always that 1-10% that she could find out about this site, but then again, that percentage would further be divided by the 1-10% chance that she will ever discover the tulpa phenomenon within her lifetime because of how much her focus is centered towards Christianity. In the event that Mary does discover my PR, I have no contingency plan, so it'd be Game Over for me. Thankfully it'd never come to that. If Voltaire discovered this site, then he already knows everything about me, so it wouldn't be bad. He wouldn't even take the time to read through all of the PR's in an effort to find me because he is much to busy with college, work, and his girlfriend so he has much better ways to spend his time. Anybody else who discovers this site who knows me, I don't care. If they can't handle what I wrote about them, then that's too bad. I can't take back what I wrote about them nor do I want to take back the truth.

 

Thanks for the advice about the watch too! You probably saved me...I can't believe that I didn't think that far ahead...I'll only partially associate the watch with Yumi, in the same way that you partially associate the moonstone with Reisen.

 

 

@amber5885:

 

 

It would be hypocritical and naive for me not to take the advice of somebody with much more experience than me, because I give my younger brother advice about life to compensate for not having mentally stable parents to do so. So I'll take your advice about not cutting ties with my parents.

 

As for Yumi. If I ever said that she'd be the answer to all of my problems, then I don't recall it, and I take it back. However I did mention that my life would be completely happy with her in it though, and I even said that my life would be "Sunshine and rainbows" with her in it lol. But even if my life was completely happy thanks to her, then the problems wouldn't disappear. That is why she is more like an oasis in the lifeless desert that is my life. She is like the comic relief that keeps me from being suffocated by grief, and she halts the snowball-effect of my thinking.

 

 

So I'll take the initiative to improve my life, while Yumi guides me and keeps me from succumbing to my own anti-social tendencies:)