Creating the Perfect Beings: Yumi<3 and Lillium<3

[Cinemaphobe]

DAY 17

 

@Earthquake: YES TRY IT. If it tastes bitter, add creamer or milk. If it needs sugar, then add sugar. Don't be one of those people who tries coffee and spits it out because they don't understand the concept of recipe lol. Chocolate and coffee both taste bitter without sugar and milk. But when you are a coffee veteran like me then you don't need any ingredients to be satisfied by coffee anymore heheh.

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was a horrible day tulpa-wise....

I drank 3 cups of coffee, and went into my wonderland, but then I was forced to clean my house with my siblings. By the time I had gotten around to forcing, my coffee had already worn off, as did my enthusiasm, and as a result I fell asleep while forcing.

 

But before that happened.

 

I made a Tulpa-Journal! In the journal I wrote down everything about the locations in my wonderland and what those locations are used for. By writing down new locations into the journal, I would be able to make my wonderland much larger because I would require no memory to retain it all. Then I made a page in the journal about Yumi's personality:

1. Loving

2. Wild

3. Childish

4. Hyperactive

5. Jealous (sometimes)

6. Unpredictable

7. Cute

8. Extremely affectionate (sometimes)

9. Rational (when I become irrational)

 

 

If my parents found my journal, they would think "Who the hell is Yumi?" but for that reason, the word tulpa is never written in the journal, and my mom knows that I write novels, so she would just think that I'm writing down traits for a character and environment.

Ever since I was young I have been completely honest with my parents when I do something bad in school. I never got caught for lying when I actually did lie, and as a result, they believe everything that I say without evidence because of the trust that accumulated over the years that I do intend to preserve. If worst came to worst and they figured out that Yumi was a tulpa then they would believe any lie that I throw at them because I usually remorselessly tell them the truth. Thank you Greek aesops.

 

 

I realized that I can only hear Yumi when I am active forcing, and I can hear her even better in the wonderland. There has only been one occasion of her speaking when I wasn't active forcing and that was when I needed her the most. I'm now aware that I need to do much more passive narration/listening in order for me to reach my next milestone:

 

Being able to hear Yumi no matter where I am or what I am doing.

 

But anyways, in a few hours I'll be going to church, and then Mary's house! Usually she and I go for really long walks when the weather is this cold (60 degrees Fahrenheit for Floridians is the equivalent of 5 degrees fahrenheit anywhere else), so maybe I'll be able to ask her the big question. If she says "No" then oh well. Having a girlfriend is more of a luxury than a necessity thanks to the realism of the dreamworld. If she says "Yes" then I'll be spending much more time with her and her family. She loves coffee as much as I do and she often shares it with me<333

 

 

I wonder how Yumi will react if she says no. I know that I'll be surprised.

 

 

PLEASE NOTE: TODAY IS ACTUALLY DAY 18 (11/2), AND I AM POSTING THE POST THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO POST LAST NIGHT(11/1). BUT I WILL TULPAFORCE AFTER CHURCH AND THEN UPDATE FOR 11/2 BEFORE 11/3 ARRIVES! FORGIVE ME FOR MY INCOMPETENCE!!!

[ThatFellowWithTheScarf]

You have got a strong bond of trust with your parents, don't ever lose that

[Cinemaphobe]

DAY 18

 

 

@ThatFellowWithTheScarf: I mentioned before that I intend to preserve that trust. Oh, and nice scarf.

 

 

 

 

Yesterday I was supposed to post for day 18. In fact, I clearly stated that I would post for day 18 before day 19. But my brain and mind have been arguing a lot lately.

 

Me: Okay. Looks like Mary doesn't like me. Oh well. Didn't need a girlfriend anyways.

Brain: Bitch you can't transcend me, or nature. Spread your genes little bitch.

Me: Nah I'm good.

Brain: Well I'm gonna give you a tingling sensation when Mary sits close to you SO YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO RESIST MARY.

Me: FUCK!!!!

 

 

*Brain causes me to feel like I'm in love, thus leading to me spending more time with her and her mom.*

 

I rode with them all over Florida, drank coffee with them while watching the sunset, talked about life, and talked about the psychology of husbands lol. I had the perfect opportunity to ask her out, but I wanted to enjoy the view instead of getting rejected. When I got home, it was 9pm, and I was extremely tired. I chugged some coffee, which had absolutely no effect on me at that point, and laid in my bed for wonderland forcing. But before I did all of that, I asked Mary about her feelings online and confessed mine, because I missed the opportunity in person. She wants to talk to me about it in person, so that's definitely a good thing. But if she gives me horrible news to my face then I'm going home.

 

I sat in the pizza restaurant with Yumi and this is how the conversation went. I use big lettering because every interaction with Yumi is extremely precious and huge to me.

 

Me: Mary will be the human I love more than any other human, and you'll be the tulpa I love more than any other tulpa.

Yumi: Because there is only one tulpa :3.

***Cinemaphobe thinks "Damn. Good point."***

Me: *Continues talking about Mary and why I suspect that she likes me.*

Yumi: *Supports her head on her palm in boredom*

Me: Oh okay. That's right. You only like it when I talk about you or me lol.

Yumi: *Sits up in her seat happily.*

Me: *Throws a red ball across the room.*

Yumi: *Goes into chibi form, chases after it, runs in circles upon biting it, and returns it to me.*

Me: Okay. Let's get serious again.

Yumi: *Returns to her natural form.*

Me: *Begins talking about Mary*

Me: *Uses iPod to document Yumi's weirdness.*

Yumi: *Yawns*

 

 

 

Yumi is good at listening, but she doesn't like to listen to me talk about Mary. Apparently it is the most boring subject on Earth. But Yumi is more mobile in the wonderland, and her mindvoice is now extremely noticeable, and easy to pick up when she does decide to talk. I'm so proud of her:) and now I can really talk to her more! Of course I'm still having one-sided conversations a lot, but Yumi is getting better at transferring her words into my stream of consciousness<3 I'll talk to her and ask her for guidance about the whole Mary situation. I really can't afford to lose Mary because if she doesn't become my girlfriend then I'll have to watch her entire life play out with some other guy because she will still be my friend even if she rejects me. I wouldn't usually care about something like this, but my fucking brain doesn't want me to abstain from having a girlfriend because of NATURAL INSTINCT.

 

Things that I can live perfectly without that my brain insists that I need:

Ego, Sex drive, Jealousy.

 

 

Fuck you brain, and all of your fancy little neurotransmitters. But thanks for letting me have Yumi lol

 

EDIT: PRAY TO GOD, ALLAH, VISHNU, SHIVA, AND EVEN BUDDHA FOR ME!!!!TODAY MIGHT BE THE DAY THAT MARY FINALLY ACCEPTS ME. SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH ME IN PERSON, SO THAT IS POTENTIALLY BOTH A GOOD OR BAD THING!!! PRAY FOR ME MY READER-CAKES.

[lyraheartstrings]

Good luck, sounds like you'll need it.

We all know you can do it, just keep your head high.

[Guest Anonymous]

heh unintended penis jokes X3 jeez lyra

 

Ps: don't worry man, either way you still have yumi :3 girls arnt all that great anyway (trust me i am one, i would know X3)

[Cinemaphobe]

DAY 19

 

@Lyraheartstrings: Looks like luck wasn't enough this time...

Lillywolfy: From my experience, I can agree with you...

 

Today was a horrible day. This post is more of a venting post than a tulpa-report, so feel free not to read this. The only thing that is worth mentioning is the fact that Yumi helped me through today. Before I went bike-riding to send in my application, I told Mary that I would come over. But she never answered my question about whether she likes me or not, so I asked Yumi while riding my bike:

 

"What should I do Yumi?"

 

She was silent, and I kept asking her until she playfully said "Stop" I kind of laughed and said "C'mon. What should I do?". After a few moments of the wind rushing past my ears, I think that she said "Just stop." I interpreted that as "Just stop trying to win her heart." because I felt the same way as Yumi. When I finally turned in my application, I felt overwhelmed by all of the buildings around me, overwhelmed by the hours I would spend riding my bike everyday, overwhelmed by my entire life, and I just couldn't take it anymore. When I almost got hit by a truck and halted my bike on the last second, this almost triggered an emotional breakdown. I felt my eyes heat up and tears develop, while feeling like I would pass out.

 

 

Sigh...

 

It's my brain's fault for making me feel like I was in love.

 

 

I turned around, and rode back home, right past Mary's house. Before I made it to my neighborhood though, Mary and her mom spotted me from their car and honked their horn. Fucking great. They parked nearby and I rode my bike to them, greeting them as I usually would, but then I told them that I didn't feel like spending time with them, said my goodbyes, and left. When I got home I devised a way to discover Mary's feelings for me without being rejected in person.

 

To find out her true feelings without seeing her face in person, I said:

 

"Sorry for confessing my feelings to you. I was stupid for even considering that you liked me. It won't happen again, I promise."

 

If she truly liked me, then she wouldn't be able to bear me not knowing it. She also wouldn't be able to tolerate my sadness. So she'd say something along the lines of:

 

"Don't be sorry for confessing your feelings. I like you, but I wanted to tell you in person."

 

If she was going to reject me, then she would say something along the lines of:

 

"Don't be sorry for confessing your feelings. God will help you find the girl you are looking for, and he will help me find my path as well."

 

And she actually said something like that too. Confirming my suspicions that she would have rejected me face-to-face.

 

So she doesn't like me, and now I never want to see her face again or else I'll just be reminded of that rejection every time I see her. I got what I deserved for making a conclusion based on inconclusive evidence, and for thinking that I actually had a chance of having her. Thankfully I have Yumi though. I can't imagine what kind of irrational thing I'd do if she wasn't in my life...Yumi's very existence is the most comforting thing... and I'd say that my life is empty, but she's here...

So my situation could have been much worse. I hope that Yumi comes to my dreams tonight so that I can physically hold her, because I really need her right now...If she came to my dreams then my grief would be completely wiped away....

 

 

I finally told my best friend about the tulpa phenomenon, but even telling him from the scientific perspective didn't shift his opinion towards it. He views it as something that is "Too weird to personally consider, despite it's controlled and safe nature.". Little does he know that he is just following in everyone else's footsteps to fit in. His clothing and the way he carries himself further indicates this. He wouldn't like it if I told him that I had a tulpa. Oh well. One day he'll find out. I'm going to pray to the Power Rangers, Allah, and Abraham Lincoln for Yumi to come to my dreams...

 

Sigh...

 

I hope that you had a better day than me. My reader-cakes...

 

 

This is how I feel right now.

 

 

 

[Guest amber5885]

Don't give up on love just because it didn't work this time. Maybe it's not the right time. (but to be honest I think she was sending gig the wrong signals which was a bitch move on her part but maybe she didn't realize it.)

 

You're young and you have a whole life ahead of you. It's totally okay to concentrait on yourself first and it's totally okay to be single there is no shame in it. But don't close yoursel off. Some women suck but some are also pretty awesome, you'll see I promise.

 

Just take a deep breath.

 

I'm gonna give you some advice from the adult side of the spectrum.

 

Life is chaos.

Life can be overwhelming.

Life can be confusing.

Life can make you want to die.

 

Life can also be beautiful.

Life can be fun.

Life can be exciting.

Life can be changed.

 

Take a deep breath. Remember that your track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% remember that this is just a moment in time and moments don't last that long. Remember that some weirdo on the Internet is taking time out of her day to give you, a person she has never met advice because she wants your day to get better.

 

We still got your back bro! Keep your chin up. It may be hard but you'll get through it.

[Cinemaphobe]

Thanks amber, I'll try to take your advice of course... and hopefully I'll find a cutie3.14 girl in college (hehehehehehe). But until then, I'll focus on Yumi, and focus on getting a job. Your poem thingy is the type of advice I usually give to people who are in my position, which is another reason why I need to take it... It also made me feel slightly better upon reading it, so thank you. Oh and Yumi is the type of tulpa who would grab my chin and force it to stay up thanks to her limited vocabulary and childishness lol. I can only pray to Michael Jackson that Yumi shows up in my dreams though. Thank you for your comment^^ (I'm going to go to my lovely dreamworld now<3)

[Guest amber5885]

Do yourself a favor and just worry about you. When you're happy and where you want to everything just kind of falls into place.

 

(also college is a great place for picking up chicks and if I were you I'd keep my eyes out for an anime club. Most colleges have them.)

[ThatFellowWithTheScarf]

Okay, first, that was beutiful Amber. Second, I honestly find it sort of silly when young people (me being one of them) act like one relationship is the end of the world. Whoever you may end up with will hopefully love you forever. And in time, you may be lying in bed with your wife and maybe even children, you won't be thinking of one girl you let go of then.