Sock's Daydream Diary

[Sock]

[align=center]One of the songs Yoko liked during the session we had:

[video=youtube]

 

Yoko session 03.11.16[/align]

 

Yoko will be my anchor for the next time. While I still have yet to reorganize how the schedule works, I still want to have a girl I default to, so that I don't spend a bunch of time figuring out who to talk to.

 

- Today, I had a free day, and wished to start work on making spending more focused time with the residents a habit again. The problem was that my mind was still in a habit of wandering, especially when it came to the internet. I would want to sit down and spend time with Yoko, but would quickly find myself distracted by something else.

 

- In order to combat this, I had to work on applying my will. If I found myself online, I had to force my way off, and If I found myself dragging my feet on a task, I would try and encourage myself to complete it so that I could get to enjoying my girl's presence.

 

- It came to mind that I should put on some music, and lay down when I did this. I wanted the session to be relaxed and restful in mood, so that I would not regard the exercise as an unpleasant thing I force myself to do. I feel the mindset I went in to this would help me out, and would help increase the time I spent with her, and make the actual time be nice.

 

- For a while I was of the mind that a strict organization was needed for such sessions, but for this one, I simply put on a song, laid back, and began thinking at Yoko, asking her some questions, and talking about the song I had on at the time. In turn, Yoko would ask about the songs that would come on during the session as well, and I would sometimes see her swaying in beat with some examples. It was nice.

 

- I also asked her about her form, and what she thought of it. She says she likes having tentacles, since she can us them to hug me tighter with them, a thing she did a bit.

 

- Speaking of the above, Yoko mentioned having something of a contrast with Sheryl. Both girls are based on characters I was highly attached to years back, but where as Sheryl goes out of her way to be like her inspiration, though she seems to want to try and distance herself a little, Yoko actually wants to be more of her own girl, and not just a clone of her inspiration. Comparing Yoko to her "original" in this case, I've always seen Yoko as being rounder and having softer features, and also having red to her tentacles. I've did a few sketches of her in physical notebooks, and her appearance in mind takes more after then than the pictures I've used as reference, which causes her to look rather distinct. Also her two foremost tentacles are larger than the others. She's insisted that I draw her up as an example of her look, rather than looking through for images of her inspiration.

 

- Yoko still bites on occasion

 

- I spent a little bit of time just visualizing her, though it was not too focused of a session. I'll increase it as spending time in this way becomes more of a habit.

 

- "Papa should be more free. He's been locked up so long, he needs to be able to stretch his legs out more. That's what I think."

 

Suffice to say, this session was quite nice. It's been a while since I did things like this, as I had taken to the task of development in a much stricter and focused way: doing it in silence, trying to section more exact times, trying to organize what exactly we did, etc. I guess I really did need to loosen up a bit to really get things started.

[J.Iscariot]

Yoko has nice taste in music, that's confirmed.

 

Speaking of which, Sock, how long do those sessions tend to last usually? I, well, we both found it pretty cute ("especially the part where you said she had tentacles to hug you even closer ^^'''' "). Oh well, I'll be looking forward for that drawing of her, we love your stuff and style.

[Sock]

Yoko has nice taste in music, that's confirmed.

 

Speaking of which, Sock, how long do those sessions tend to last usually? I, well, we both found it pretty cute ("especially the part where you said she had tentacles to hug you even closer ^^'''' "). Oh well, I'll be looking forward for that drawing of her, we love your stuff and style.

 

I tend to aim for about an hour, though I have not had as much success during work days. But I've continued working to make it a habit, and if I don't do it after work, I make sure to keep acknowledging her.

 

One way I've been working on this is by practicing association, a skill I haven't trained actively. Working to associate relevant things to her, as well as thought trains that I find relate to a quality she has. I do the same with the others, a kind of "forcing" via organizing stray thoughts. Still, I prefer being able to sit down and relax with them, but associating through the day does keep them in mind, and help train my mind to wander less.

 

I'm also putting a bit more work into my landscape. It's a nice visual exercise, as well as a useful symbol for bringing the folks to mind super easy. I still think working more on my observation is necessary, though.

[Sock]

[align=center]Random song Sock likes:

 

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikFZwOGSltE [/align]

 

I had this idea earlier, though having written it down, I see it is an attempt to expand on an earlier ideas. This is, the step in development and interaction where the host works to loose conscious control of their partner (Assuming they either used direct control on their partner at some point, or simply wish to decrease the influence of desire and expectation), and take effort to treat them as a person. I feel that it's somewhat rough at the moment, and am hoping to refine it, so that can be polished and of good use to those whom I expose it to. If anyone passing by can give comment on it, that would be very much appreciated.

 

---

 

The art of letting go

 

While I was working, this idea came to me, concerning the development of independence, and the insurance that the host is not moving their companion as a puppet, while still being aware of their ability to control things. This is the act/art of letting go of control. To drop my strength, drop my doubts, drop my expectations, and come to the figure, seeing metaphorically eye-to-eye, and communicating as such. This requires not trying to shift about things, no matter how odd or out-of-character they may seem. Not trying to correct their responses, but letting them speak as they will, and taking it as theirs unless they themselves reject it.

 

To truly treat them as another person, and not as a doll to be toyed around with. This also involves allowing them to affect you, as one person would another. Treating their sadness as if you were witness to a person being sad before you. Treating their joy as you would another person's joy. Levelling with them on their own terms, rather than yours. I believe this is the vital step in having them grow further, and I wish to expand on it and explore it.

 

There is also the flip side: Bringing them up to my level, and my outward existence. Letting them see things from my eyes, though without the ability to steer the boat, as it were. To let them come see my world, just as I come to see their's. The idea still applies: Allow their action and reaction to be their own, do not interfere or try to correct or change what they do or say directly. Rather, treat them as another when they do something, and if it is something you dislike, reprove or question them, rather than force them to change. This is the sort of technique I do, and wish to expand, putting in to practice.

 

Of course, there is the counter of this: Knowing where the response is coming from. I'll call it 'the act of identification'. The above assumes that this is not as big of an issue: Where the figure is speaking with a voice that is theirs, that their behaviour carries their presence, rather than the host's, etc. I feel these issues still stem from the inability to completely let go of control. In this case, the issue is that the host is still holding on to expectations, or their doubts. The former being a sort of standard of behaviour that the host desires their partner to stick to, the latter being as a weapon, where the host crushes things that do not meet a standard of believability. Or in another sense, doubt is the host not allowing the figure to affect them as another person would.

 

---

 

While here, I may as well post up the recent notes I wrote on Yoko and my interactions:

 

Yoko Session: 3.19.16

 

- Yoko doesn't want me to return to being too harsh on my person, as in my previous pursuit of betterment, I often berrated and scorned myself.

 

- When we began our session proper, I was going to keep things silent, so I could focus on her better. But Yoko insisted we have some music on. I put it on, but soon found myself unable to properly pay attention to her, since I was distracted. She reluctatnly said to turn it down.

 

- Yoko loves me.

 

- During our speaking together, I asked if Yoko wanted to be my only one out of curiosity for how she would answer. She said this: "You having one means everyone else dissapears. No one should dissapear..."

 

- Yoko described herself as a "dirty girl", because she had sexual desire. I said in turn that all humans have that desire, and as I am another human, she should not be ashamed for having that before me. Rather, I asked her to not succumb to it, or let that desire dictate what she is. She should be a queen over it.

 

- During our time together, I would narrate to myself to get my mind in the proper set of ideals to properly treat our session as two people conversing. Yoko actually found it a bit annoying, and said I didn't have to do that. I pleaded for it as temporarily necessary to get myself back in to shape, as it were.

 

- Yoko asked me when I was going to get a girlfriend, something that rarely if ever comes to mind. She said that I should get one at some point, that it would be good for me to have female company that's not her or the others..

 

- Yoko described herself as being "adopted", since her direct inspiration is a fictional character. Because of this, she wants to separate herself more from her source, so that I can be her more of her father figure, rather than the man who designed Ikamusume.

 

- Unfortunately my stream of thought began to fray and become loose, and my focus waned. A bunch of intrusive thought began to flow through. I assume this means that I'm still out of practice with focussing and concentrating, and it's necessary for me to do more exercises in relation to those skills. Fortunately, the audiobook on concentration I've been listening to recently has some really good tips, but I'm open to any more if people are willing to share.

 

Peace.

[Sock]

Strength of Will

 

Over the past few days, I had a dissociative episode. Much like the other ones, I had something that would taunt me, practice things I went out of my way to reject, and generally be a nuisance. But there was a difference in this one, and that difference was myself.

 

Prior, when such a thing happened, I would break down. I would panic, become depressed, and at times break in to tears. Naturally this sort of thing was very distressing, and it would instill a sense of fear in me, about what would happen to my body as things went, what would happen with my work, what would happen with my girls, etc. Sometimes I thought it would never end, and would be not too far from despair.

 

That didn't happen this time, though. I didn't become simply apathetic to it, either. I instead, drew a big smile on my face, and focused on my own peace. Not to say I could do this 24/7: the other would often twist my face in to a frown, or start injecting aggressive thoughts when I'd do so internally. But even in those instances, I still kept a positive, and hopeful attitude, excepting the times when I was distracted by something else.

 

When it came to the in-folk, I'd keep the same mind and heart, raising my countenance even more for them, with the idea in mind that the sun always shines, even when things on Earth aren't going so well. I'd keep my speech and behavior to them positive, and when the other would tear us apart, I wouldn't become discouraged, and instead would exhort my resident to keep a strong heart too, as I would be fine. I think that is a good way to sum up my attitude: "I would be fine". Instead of focusing on what was happening in the present, I would just keep my eye on my own smile, peace, and happiness as much as I could. I did this with a few ideas in mind:

 

- That the goal of this other was to simply make me miserable, and crush my spirit. So I would be happier as a way to fight back.

 

- That when the other eventually lost control, I would have the mind and mental power to be in a good mood and return to what I was doing before. This in contrast to other times when this would happen, when I would nearly breakdown and be consumed by great fear.

 

- That my own behavior with this would be an example to the residents. I didn't want them being brought down, even if it was for my sake. I wanted to show them the strength I was developing, not just my vulnerability.

 

Writing now, I feel the consequences of the said mindset above, and it is nice indeed. I feel fine, in a much better state of mind. I know part of me even hopes to have another episode, just to see if I can keep my strength, or train it further on such a great challenge as that. Of course, hoping for such a thing ignores the other things I must attend to in my life, my own residents being one of them. Still, the idea of mental strength, and the development of will is definitely there, and is growing. In the past, my will was far weaker, and I was more easily moved by unexpected things happening. But now, instead of hoping for such things not to happen, I'm hoping to train and keep my resolve even through these things. It's a notable shift in attitude.

 

Edit: Another things I've been working on is expectation, and how to lower it. After all, I've already seen how misapplied expectations can give rise to false responses, and sway your creation's responses and vibes one way or another. At this time, I'm applying the rather awkward and ingraceful method just beating the thought down when I feel an expectation, or a desire for my partner to do one thing or another, even if it is speaking. One thing that helps with this is the fact that I'm somewhat used to trying to clear out and empty my thought. It's still a skill I'm working on, but it does help with wrestling with expectations.

 

Peace.

[Sock]

[align=center]Today's development session song:

[video=youtube]

 

 

Yoko Session 3.24.16[/align]

 

- Drew some more in Yoko's image file. I did a small portrait, and I feel it came out better than the first. Yoko seems to agree, as she showed me an image of herself as being closer to that drawing.

 

- I took some time to focus on Yoko, going out of my way to source the thoughts, and ensure I knew where they were coming from. Yoko, for her part, wasn't completely in to it, viewing it as a sort of mistrust, though mainly for my own self. She wasn't wrong.

 

- Yoko moved around a lot during the session. I may not have seen it as much with my eyes, but I could notice a presence going all over the place. In a way, it became a sort of game of hide-and-seek, and I could very much tell it was her playing.

 

- This session, where I went out of my way to source and separate thought, has convinced me that spending time simply trusting what I hear from her, to become child-like and un-doubting, is also important, just as much as ensuring I am not letting my expectations control her.

 

- She does want me to trust her. Very much so. I can understand how being too rigorous can be translated in of lack of trust. So finding a balance between being child-like and being rigorous is made doubly important.

 

- There are instances where I would notice a thought come from her, but upon further examination, I feel it as myself. But, upon coming to that conclusion, I would feel something, a stop, and then an insistence of it as being her's. When I feel this, I ask if Yoko wants this thought, for it to be regarded as her own. Depending on the answer, I let her have it, and regard it as her thought.

 

- I feel this process of letting her have certain thoughts, ones that while they feel like mine, she desires as her own, will be something of a common practice.

 

- For the next session, she explicitly asked me to be more trusting and child-like, so I will do so.

 

This session lasted for about an hour.

 

I plan to continue to practice concentration in general, and having my girls as a focus in particular. With that, my ability to keep my mind from wandering should increase. During this session, it wandered notably less, and while Yoko was slightly erratic at times, things didn't go wild. I guess this was because I was so intent and rigorous about sourcing thought.

 

During this writing, she's told me that we're still pretty close, being her and me at the same time. She appreciates me wanting to give her autonomy, but she's told me that she doesn't want to be too alien or foreign. To put it as a metaphor: She wants to be a moon, not a far off asteroid floating in space. She wanted me to write this down for her, so I did.

[Sock]

Depersonalized

 

[video=youtube]

 

Depersonalization, that's apparently what I've been suffering from for all this time.

 

Greets again folks. I only just started coming back by, and felt the need to give an update to the few people who were keeping up with this. After all, my log is kind of messy, and there was a ton of confusing events I went through over the past few years. I'm recovering though, and by that I mean I' actually taking medication and seeing a specialist for my particular set of issues. It was high time I did that: One bad habit I had was hiding things and trying to deal with issues all on my own. It's become apparent to me that I can no longer do this.

 

So yeah, at this point I'm seeing a psych about a myriad of issues, from depression to the aforementioned depersonalization, as well as taking medication for the latter issue. Fortunately, I've found that the medicine I was prescribed has no noticeable affect on my thought folk, and in fact it has allowed me to start doing regular active sessions now. This is nothing but a good thing in my books, and I may get back to my habit of writing about them here, as well. After all, my stuff in the sketchbook thread needs context for why they're the way they are.

 

I just wanted to write up a quick update for now. I know I disappeared suddenly a long time ago, and the board has changed a lot since then. I don't think any of my old buddies are still around, but if they are, I may as well leave this here for them, as a way of saying: I'm getting a bit better, thanks for the support and care.

 

Peace.

[Vos]

It's good to see that things are looking up for you, Sock. I was wondering where you went.