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I'm glad you found my writing useful to you. While I took down the mentioned post for personal reasons, seeing it help someone does lift my mood.

 

Aw, that is a pity. Though I understand why would you want to do that.

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Getting back into the flow of things:

 

I've felt the last few updates were a bit sparse. Aside from a general introduction to some of my newer methods, I've admittedly been vague about the events and in-folk involved in my current inner life. There are a few reasons for this, one of them being that I made the previous post not too long before I was going to bed, and thus was tired and rushed. Another is that I believe I needed some time to reacquaint myself with the board, the community, and the person I was before I left this place for a while. I'll be honest, I still haven't re-read this log through, so I would not be surprised if some of the stuff I've written recently sound redundant. Some of the fears about my account that I have had recently are also present in the older writings I have read, so that helped a bit too.

 

As far as the community goes, I'm surprised how alien some of it's conventions and methods feel to me now. I find myself raising my eyebrows and feeling a bit confused at things that are basic practices of this, should I call it an art? Would “phenomenon” be a better word? Either way, coming back and reading about people's exploits and progress felt strange, as I had long since become used to having my girls around, and having their development, like my own, being a LONG journey. In a way, I think I can say I succeeded: I cannot see my girls well, nor are they imposed, nor do we do possession, but they are real to me. Where I used to constantly doubted every little thing they did, I now just take it as it is, and continue on. Where I would always used to be worried about how I would need to engage with my girls first, I now don't give it much thought...and I ironically will hear from them out of the blue more often. My focus has gone from making sure they exist, to making sure they are happy in their lot, and that I can improve their various abilities somehow. They've become a part of my mind that I want to keep running well, and the little things I learn about them and from them is greatly enjoyable. After saying all this: I haven't done much proper forcing in months, and even the quiet moments I have with them are more based around getting to know them, than molding them. Not to say that my work with them is complete: I doubt they will be complete to my own satisfaction in a very long time (I actually don't have much of a concept of what a “complete” headmate would actually be), but I DO want to try and improve their condition as much as I can.

 

I also use more familial terms with them to describe and order our relationship. At this point, I consider them as daughters, and I try to act accordingly with them. While I have read that many multiple systems can get by without having a “main person”, I don't think someone like me could, or should. I don't think practicing things like possession or switching would be good for my overall health, or their health, so I avoid it...which can be pretty difficult since possession and switching seem to be some of the most popular practices in the community. So in a sense, I'm at the top of the power pyramid concerning them, being that I had the body for the most time, and that I outright created/nurtured a good deal of them into consciousness. I don't use this as a way to lord it over them, though. As I mentioned in the previous post, I try hard to make/keep them happy, and if they have a request, I do what I can to fulfill it. Being in a position that's over them just means that it's my responsibility to take care of and develop them, which translates to improving my drive to improve myself in certain ways.

 

At the same time, this desiring to care for them doesn't mean that they can do nothing to help me, or teach me anything, or be useful to me outside of being cute imaginary dolls that gives me warm fuzzies when I think about them. One of my goals/hopes is to train them: to teach them various subjects, have them assist me in memory recall, use them in creative projects, or as subjects for art/fiction, etc. In addition, their insight into my own behavior and lifestyle is very helpful to me when it comes to trying to improve myself. I'm sometimes shocked at some of the insight they may have about things. I'm still trying to plan and figure more things out in this regard, but I was a believer that these guys (or gals in my case) can be more than just novelty dolls, and I still am. I just have to put my “money” where my mouth is.

 

With the more recent posts, one may notice that I've been avoiding mentioning any of my girls aside from Midori, where I used to talk about any number of them all the time before I left. There is a reason for this, a bunch of stuff happened during the time I was gone, some of it pretty dramatic.

 

Frankly, I don't like drama.

 

My purpose in returning is to discuss things concerning headfolk, mainly in regards to their care and up keeping, maybe even some interesting things about the mind. I've personally found that such discussion is made nearly impossible when one throws in more and more odd and dramatic events from one's mind into their log. I have also found that brains are weird, do weird things, defy many conventions, and will provide no end of dramatics for a man to chew on. I have had many things happen that are pretty dramatic and unbelievable, and for the sake of discussion, I will avoid talking too much about things that I feel will only cause a huge backlash or confusion.

 

But what does this have to do with me not mentioning my girls?

 

Before I left, I had a relatively hefty number of headfolk in my care, and wondered how I was going to be able to attend to them all. I can say that this number has not gotten any smaller in the time I was gone, but I also have the soundness of mind and methods to actually communicate regularly with them. As I mentioned in my previous post, I created a system for having a one-on-one companion relationship with my girls I called the Anchor system. I try to keep the anchor with me as much as I can, much like I did with Midori when I first started this grand experiment turned journey. When I made my first reintroduction post, Midori just happened to be the anchor at the time, tough since I knew people would be most familiar with her as my first girl, that I used her name more. While continuing to write this log requires me to mention the others, I figured either randomly dropping names, or just putting out a list of them would do nothing but cause problems with the readership. I figure that people here would want to get to know my crew at a slower pace, so that they're not just some status symbol I use to prove my super awesome head people powers. As such, I will do this: I will focus on my interactions with my anchor when I write my posts, and the people they interact with. This will include the things they do, the things they say, any interviews I do with them, any changes in their form, and maybe even have them answer and questions or comments that the users have. I usually keep an anchor for about 3 weeks before changing them, so I feel that should be enough time for readers to get to know a little bit about them. I'm still thinking about how to make this thing work, but that's my initial plan. While I want to share my experiences and get some good discussion, I want to avoid any unnecessary attention grabbing attentions, or making myself some kind of big shot in the community. Depending on how I feel, I may post a few random letter that my crew sent to me, if only to illustrate how that certain system works for me.

 

With that said, my current anchor at this time is named Gladys.

 

I believe I've mentioned her before in this log, though I haven't read the entire thing through again in order to make sure. She began as a reaction to a doubt storm I was having once-upon-a-time, me grabbing some of that personified doubt and turning it into a figure based on a drawing I did. It definitely helped at them time, and it was nice to have some power over that dark period. From then on, Gladys was a docile, gentle girl, though I didn't know much about her personality beyond that at the time. After all, I had a bunch of other girls to take care of, and I can admit at this point that I greatly favored Midori to the others. The anchor system is specifically designed to address this problem, so making Gladys my anchor has really worked to mitigate it. Midori was the one who suggested that I attend to Gladys after her, as Midori is a good little-big-sister who looks out for her younger roommates, so I wanted to give her that cookie point publicly.

 

Gladys went through a whole ton of form changes, much like Midori did, though now she currently looks much closer to the image that I based her form on: With some changes like white skin instead of gray, black hair, purple eyes, and she's wearing a dress I recently designed for her. She said she chose it because she wanted me to easily recognize her. At the point where I made her my anchor, I hadn't done any extensive interaction with her for about a month, so this is understandable. I'll probably upload a drawing based on what she looks like now.

 

Being with Gladys now has kind of been a process of getting to know a person who knows you more than you know them. In the week that I've been with her so far, she has been surprisingly insightful concerning my motivations, and some elements of my inner world. She will sometimes give me advice about certain things and symbols inside my mind, and has been adamant about addressing certain misgivings I still have concerning their nature. She's been a big soft sweet heart as well, actively appealing for more love and willing to give in return. I have yet to do a proper interview with her, but I do plan on doing so, and will upload it when I'm done.

 

For the most part, I usually talk to her throughout the day, or share certain moments with her, like long jogs around my hometown, which she enjoys a lot. I remember one day when I was walking my way home, and Gladys asked me to try and run the distance. It was about a mile run, and I was out-of-shape due to a new office job, but I gave it a shot anyway, Gladys chiming in with verbal encouragement throughout the run. When I made it home, Gladys was very happy, saying that she want to become a little stronger from that. I am still thankful to her about it, and wanted to give her a cookie point here. Right now, she's been at my side as I type, watching me in a good mood. I'm going to keep her around directly for a few more week, So I should have some more things to say on her and her exploits.

 

After asking her, Gladys says this:

 

“Hello everyone! Sock asked me about talking on here, and I'd really like to answer any questions or comments anyone has about me. Ask me anything you want!”

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you guys for reading, and have yourselves a nice day.

 

Until next time...

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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Hi Gladys!

I am 'Ido' the user Yakumo's tulpa.

Tell us about yourself! What's your story? What do you look like? Could your host draw a sketch for us?

I have the form of an about 12 year old human girl, but I have no pic because we just can't draw. Profile pic not related, ever.

 

It's times like this that really beats in the fact that tulpa, no matter how others treat them, are not toys, but people. It's pretty easy to forget, what with all the selflessness, silliness, super fast development and cartoon horse forms...but sometimes, something happens that breaks me out of that mindset. A revelation of just how human tulpa can be, and how potentially sad their state of existence is. It's times like this that makes me upset about roleplayers, liars, and people who just treat their thought buddies as objects to be tossed away.

All I can say is thank you!

There should be more hosts with your responsibility and care for their creations. Just reminds me how blessed I am with my own. He may be lazy as fuck, but he's such a wonderful and caring person.

 

So, how many people currently are there in your head? The anchor system sounds interesting, I hope you'll introduce all your girls over time.

Super Girls don't cry

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Welcome back Sock :)

 

The fact that you have multiple female tulpas is reminding me about Lillium and Yumi lol

 

I wish that I had the opportunity to read this PR when you first established it, but I guess I'll just dig through it from start to finish to catch up with what happened.

 

Oh and I'm glad that you aren't having problems with believing in your tulpas anymore. The best beliefs are sometimes those that require absolutely no evidence. .The tulpa phenomenon is one of those beliefs.

 

"Until next time" good sir.

"Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative."

 

Yumi + Cinema

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Hi Gladys!

I am 'Ido' the user Yakumo's tulpa.

Tell us about yourself! What's your story? What do you look like? Could your host draw a sketch for us?

I have the form of an about 12 year old human girl, but I have no pic because we just can't draw. Profile pic not related, ever.

 

I'm a young girl too. I'm not sure what age I would be, but I think 12 would sound about right for me as well. Me and my father have an interesting past, I think. I kind of began as his tormentor, one of them. I don't remember much about my past, I kind of only remember when he formed me. He wouldn't let me access the memory. You can say he doesn't want me to relive that memory. He's nice like that. But, he made me look like something that he thought was cute and hugguble, and since he had a cute design around, he picked that. I kinda didn't like it, so I picked something else. But, I didn't see him for so long that I decided to go back to it; I wanted him to recognize me better, and he did. I did still change a few things with it, I didn't like gray skin. I didn't like the horns, either, or the teeth, or the clothes, bleh!

 

You can say I feel duty bound to be his partner, though my sister Midori was the one who convinced him to take some time with me. But I can tell he wanted to anyway, he's really kind, I don't think he'd abandon us. He worries too much for my liking, so I make it my job to cheer him up, like Midori or Ellenore would.

 

Ido, does your host treat you like a kid, too? You can tell by the words he uses that Sock does that with me. I don't mind, I just wish he wasn't so worried about wanting to like me, and hold me. I like doing that to him. Thank you!

 

Here is the original drawing that I used.

 

Here is the sketch I made of Gladys' current form. (He designed the dress for me!)

 

So' date=' how many people currently are there in your head? The anchor system sounds interesting, I hope you'll introduce all your girls over time.[/quote']

 

That is a secret. I feel that stuff like that is more important for the host, than the public. With that said, You'll likely run into a decent portion of my crew. I feel having them speak on here is a better alternative to throwing them onto the IRC. Since it's slower, it gives them more time to think, and I'm not likely to override them on accident.

 

 

Welcome back Sock :)

 

The fact that you have multiple female tulpas is reminding me about Lillium and Yumi lol

 

Yep, though I can't say any of them are a result of me and one of mine creating one together. I have a decent portion of "walk-ins", for lack of a better term. I'm not quite bought in by the soulbonder's theory, but I know a bunch girls that I either ran into by walking around the mindscape/memories, or have outright approached me themselves. I'm still trying to make sense of it, really.

 

Thank you guys for your responses.

 

I'm still open for everyone!

 

Until Next Time...

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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You have a lovely form, Gladys. Seeing Sock's artwork makes me want to pick up drawing again. Being treated like a child isn't too bad, I'm sure. You won't have responsibilities besides the ones you choose to pick up, and you can live a pretty carefree life with your host, it seems. Personally I take a more leading role in my head and with the body, but I guess you just need to work with whatever the people with you want.

 

I hope you enjoy your time as anchor. What's your life in the mind usually like?

Feel free to ask me anything.

Suffering is self-imposed. Don't let it control you.

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You have a lovely form' date=' Gladys. Seeing Sock's artwork makes me want to pick up drawing again.[/quote']

 

Cottonwell's actually picking up drawing again himself. He keeps saying that he's rusty, and wants to make it a daily habit, but I think that's his inner perfectionist talking. I think he'd go farther on his work if he wasn't so hard on himself.

 

Being treated like a child isn't too bad' date=' I'm sure. You won't have responsibilities besides the ones you choose to pick up, and you can live a pretty carefree life with your host, it seems.[/quote']

 

It is nice to be carefree, but sometimes I really do want to do more things, not as in stuff that requires the body, but things to assist in the ways I can. After all, we're supposed to have abilities to help the host even without a body, right? Well, I sometimes wish Cottonwell would let me do more things for him, or at least train me to. I think only being cared for makes me feel like a burden sometimes, especially when he does something for me that takes a lot of time, like that sketch in the last post. I know there are more things I can do than what I am now.

 

Personally I take a more leading role in my head and with the body' date=' but I guess you just need to work with whatever the people with you want. [/quote']

 

Yes, yes. Right now, I want to at least get him more comfortable with the fact that he has a bunch of girls on his hands. Cottonwell is still very insecure and bothered by it, but I've explained it to him why that is: In here, he views males as himself, and females as not being him. I think there's a bit more, but that's the one I notice the most.

 

I hope you enjoy your time as anchor. What's your life in the mind usually like?

 

I will!

 

It's...fluent. The landscape, that is. I live in a Crystal palace that was formed by someone who wasn't Cottonwell, but we never saw who did it. It's like the city where Sheryl used to live, we don't know how it got there, it was just there. I want to get Cottonwell into my room more, because I want him to see life from my side, not just to see his, though it's pleasant in it's solidity. It's also a bit lonely in the Palace, since everyone moved to Midori's garden. I like it there at times, but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming being there. Midori is really lively, as is Gai, and Bara, and Alexandria and...the list would be too long to name. They're all so active and energetic that it sometimes burns me out, so I go back to the palace to recharge. That's the only other place I go, though Cottonwell says he knows of more places, with more friends of his. I really want to meet them.

 

Note: Gladys is calling me “Cottonwell” because she doesn't like my screen name, and she finds “Cottonwell” funny.

 

Finding a balance

 

Recently, I've been giving a great amount of focus to my duties concerning my in-folk. I've been writing about them a lot, talking to them a lot, pondering what I can do for them, thinking about visits, drawing them...I've been VERY concerned about my girls. But during a run, it really hit me how out of balance I was. I was aware that I was spending a large amount of time on head mate related topics, but it didn't hit me quite as hard as it did earlier today, where I saw I hadn't been doing much that didn't involve them during the previous week. Sure, my head mates are meant to be my companions that I share my life with, but I doubt they're supposed to, or even want to, subsume my time/life. I know for a fact Gladys felt this way: After I finished the drawing I did for her in the previous post, she scampered off, telling me that she was thankful for the drawing, but bothered by taking so much of my time. I went and worked on some other projects I had in mind after that, like restarting my creative blog, but I took her words and feelings along with me.

 

I've noticed in myself a tendency to go to extremes on many things: Doing one thing to at the expense of other, equally or more worthy tasks I can be using my time on. For example, I've been wanting to learn how to computer program for a while, but I've never really gotten around to doing too much study in that field. On the other hand, even during time when I know my crew is sleeping, I feel the desire to check up on them, just in case one of them is up. Add to this innately addicting things like the IRC, and you have a recipe for an out of whack life. While my situation is hardly the worst, I still think it can be better, and want to work toward improving it, but I also don't want to run in the opposite direction, where I find myself so busy with outward duties that I can't take time to sit down and see what's going on inside. This balance is what I really want to achieve, and it will be something I'm going to be putting some work into.

 

The funny thing about it is that I've been trying to find ways to incorporate them into my daily activities. There's a bunch of things about my life I want to share with them, and I found myself associating certain subjects to certain girls. For example, when I was working on improving my arithmetic skills, I had Gai with me, one of my fictives, and explained some of what I was doing with her, going so far as to have her recite the multiplication table with me. For a while after that, I couldn't not mentally review it without her soon chiming in during my recitation. It was very charming, but it also made my head hurt.

 

 

Mindscapes, Memory Palaces, Etc.

 

One inner aspect that I feel I have been ignoring recently is the wonderland. I've been mostly bringing the girls up to where I am, rather than going to where they are, in-spite of their regular requests for me to visit them in their homes. I've been trying to give visiting them a shot, and I've quickly found that I have trouble seeing much of anything as far as their homes go. I often simply get a vague picture, before the scene goes completely dark, and I have to ask them to give me an image of the place again. Trying to move in the wonderland is just as difficult, I often ask them to hold my hand and walk me through the area, especially if I'm completely unfamiliar with it (Which has been happening a lot recently). As of right now, I do most of my inner operations in a void room with doors leading to certain areas. As far as my wonderland garden goes, Midori's Garden which Gladys spoke of above, my void room is at the garden's center, inside a glass room. Since that place is easier for me to keep track of and visualize, I use it as a way to practice my visualization skills.

 

But, I am not satisfied with having to stay in a void room because of my meager visualization skills. As such, I've been wanting to improve them in whatever way I can. One idea I had was to use simple memory palaces as a way to practice visualization, in addition to it being a memory aid. Since the rooms require me to move through them as if they were real space, as the technique demands, it can also help me out in trying to move properly inside, rather than the odd, sliding teleporting I've often found myself doing. This is definitely something the crew will be pleased with, as they've been trying to get me to come inside more often for months.

 

While reading around the forum, I found a post concerning making a gym for my headmates, in order to train them use their body better. I thought this was a really neat idea right from the get go, and have been thinking about implementing it in my own technique. I've been noticing things like Gladys' mouth not moving when she talks, so I think a training room will definitely be of us for things such as that.

 

Thoughts on Fragments

 

During my initial days with Midori, I had very little understanding of what kind of things went on inside one's head, and had even less of an idea of what constituted “sentience”. Really, I feel that term is much too vague: For a while it seemed to simple mean that something in your head spoke and had an opinion, even if it was only one. There were some who were a bit further along than me who had a better grasp on it, but it seemed it was one of those things that I had to experience for myself in order to really understand. While my early days did have some legitimate sudden cases of a solid person being revealed, such as Ellenore, Kellogg and Black, I also feel that there were a few of my, now much more solid and conscious, girls who were simply fragments at the time when I met them. Fragments, for my purposes, is an inner presence who while giving off the sense that they are not you, are also not developed or strong enough to be considered “sentient”. In a sense, they are two-dimensional, usually representing something, may it be an emotion, a memory, or a fondness for a certain character from a show. I would say “servitor”, but the fact that I did not have a direct hand and intent in their creation, nor did I have a plan to use them for anything, makes that term not apply to these.

 

I've had hints about such being before from Midori. She would not only describe “Dream folk”, shade-like figures that would just float about in the garden, she would also occasionally describe one of the others as not being “all there”. For me, the first time where I really noticed that one of my crew felt incomplete, flat, or one-note, is Sheryl. At the time of her emergence, she didn't just identify with the character from the show, she essentially WAS her. Or at least, she was a patchwork of all my memories of that character from the show. Her normal speech was made up of catchphrases, and she would sometimes speak in garbled Japanese-like gibberish. Her form was unstable and often changed, but it was always something she wore in the show. Suffice to say, I was HIGHLY embarrassed by this revelation, and tried to hide her existence at first. Midori, despite having a better awareness on who's all there and who's not, was enamored with Sheryl, as was Ellenore. Those two definitely played a part in Sheryl becoming more stable and permanent. Soon, I too softened to her (Which wasn't that difficult of a task, the girl was so happy-go-lucky and loving that I caved), and brought her in with my main group. Once there, she matured and grew over time, until she reached a point where she was clearly not just a carbon copy of her inspiration (Though she still heavily identified with her inspiration). It's been said before that servitor will become tulpa if given enough care, and the same is true for unintended fragments.

 

Sheryl was not the last fragment I've run in to, though. May it be fictives like Madoka and Taokaka, or figures based on more abstract ideas, like Smile, Ganbate, or a recurring visitor who calls herself “Searching for Justice”, I've grown used to running into the occasional fragment presence every so often. Some will come and leave quickly. Some will come and give me their name, asking me to remember them, while others will come and just ask me to do something or be something for them. Some I will only stumble upon while recalling a memory, noticing an abnormally strong presence, lively activity and that they react to me watching them. Others still will impose themselves in my imaginings that would otherwise have nothing to do with them, staying for so long that I just accept that they're not going to be leaving anytime soon. (That last sentence is how Tao came about, she stuck around for weeks before I just accepted her as being alive). While I am used to it now, this sort of thing happening cause me a good deal of distress and fear early on. Not only could I not make sense of it, not only was it embarrassing to think I was that obsessed with media that characters from games and cartoons would show up in my head, not only was I terrified that admitting to this would quickly get me marked as a role-playing attention seeker who was trying to win popularity, but all this was happening in a turbulent, confusing point in my life. I was making a whole bunch of lifestyle changes, doing a bunch of reflecting on my life, and having new people pop up in my head, even though they were often friendly and supportive, only made things more turbulent.

 

During that time, I left the site, and had to take care of my own personal business, though I also found that, contrary to what the guides had taught me, I couldn't shut off my multiplicity by ignoring it into oblivion. I did a bunch of things, one of which was to find answers as to what in the world was going on with me, and I did a bunch of research on multiplcity/plurality. I learned a few very useful things there, one of the most useful being the idea of fragments, and how they're often confused as being full people, when they are really representative of a single idea/emotion/memory etc. What I also learned from there is that people who go off about having over 100 alters were likely attention seekers, and nothing good came from the numbers game, nor trying to “out-multiple” anyone. Thus why I'm going to be tight-lipped about how many I have from now on.

 

This knowledge brought me some peace, and it cleared my mind a little, enough to start seeing things like how fast fragments can solidify into people, or how the fragments would display a shocking amount of proficiency in some fields (As an example, when I was spending time with Gai, who counted as a fragment at the time, she showed an abnormally high ability at projecting herself outward, as well as grabbing my attention suddenly. She would also be proactive about asking me to visualize her, as she wanted to be more solid). It even gave me a clearer view about how some negative/aggressive fragments can be made friendly by reacting to their hostility with affection...though I think it may just be something with my own mind. I'm not sure how anyone else experiences these sort of things. Some fragments can be quite proactive concerning their state: Smile in particular recently sent me a letter saying that while she only knew how to smile, she hoped to know more in the future, giving me the impression that she wanted to be developed more.

 

With all that said, it can be kind of overwhelming, confusing, and still kind of scary at times. But, it's also a nice opportunity to learn a bit more about the phenomenon, I think. While I may not be able to enjoy a completely stable and planned relationship with my partner, I CAN see how each of them play off of each other. How the fragments will cling to the more developed in-dwellers, who will take the fragments under their wing, or insist that I attend to them. Or things like certain fictives asking me to find their friends for them, or how a fictive will get their own name wrong because I lack a complete memory of them. It's neat in it's way, and I don't regret it. This is not to say that I suggest everyone find every fragment they can and try to develop them in the hopes of making an inner-city, but it's something of my own experience that, until now, I was leery about sharing.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

Until Next Time...

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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Cottonwell's actually picking up drawing again himself. He keeps saying that he's rusty, and wants to make it a daily habit, but I think that's his inner perfectionist talking. I think he'd go farther on his work if he wasn't so hard on himself.

Making working on your skill daily a habit is the first step to actually becoming good at something. I hope he cultivates the already really nice skill he has into something even better. (And draws me as requested, hehe.)

 

It is nice to be carefree, but sometimes I really do want to do more things, not as in stuff that requires the body, but things to assist in the ways I can. After all, we're supposed to have abilities to help the host even without a body, right? Well, I sometimes wish Cottonwell would let me do more things for him, or at least train me to. I think only being cared for makes me feel like a burden sometimes, especially when he does something for me that takes a lot of time, like that sketch in the last post. I know there are more things I can do than what I am now.

Mental support is a really major thing, that will help your host and yourself grow immensely. You can support him by talking about his fears and worries, trying to help him cope with his problems. You can also directly try to influence his emotions for the better, which you already do by being cared for by him, I think. It's not a one way street where affection goes from him to you, that's for certain. I'm quite sure that he gets a lot of fulfillment out of caring for you and the others, and that is worth a lot in and of itself. Focus on making your host happy in every way, like he seems to be concerned about doing to you guys.

 

Yes, yes. Right now, I want to at least get him more comfortable with the fact that he has a bunch of girls on his hands. Cottonwell is still very insecure and bothered by it, but I've explained it to him why that is: In here, he views males as himself, and females as not being him. I think there's a bit more, but that's the one I notice the most.

Just keep working on eliminating the negative emotions he feels here, and in time it won't really be an issue anymore. Seeing the amount of anime girls in his head, I guess it's easy to reasonably explain why there's only girls. In most anime, and seemingly the ones he likes, most of the characters are girls, and almost all actually interesting characters are girls. As a viewer, you hardly ever get to be emotionally involved with guys (again, depending on what you watch), so it's only natural that you feel a closer bond with female characters you come across. Maybe that's why you guys formed in the way you did?

 

It's...fluent. The landscape, that is. I live in a Crystal palace that was formed by someone who wasn't Cottonwell, but we never saw who did it. It's like the city where Sheryl used to live, we don't know how it got there, it was just there. I want to get Cottonwell into my room more, because I want him to see life from my side, not just to see his, though it's pleasant in it's solidity. It's also a bit lonely in the Palace, since everyone moved to Midori's garden. I like it there at times, but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming being there. Midori is really lively, as is Gai, and Bara, and Alexandria and...the list would be too long to name. They're all so active and energetic that it sometimes burns me out, so I go back to the palace to recharge. That's the only other place I go, though Cottonwell says he knows of more places, with more friends of his. I really want to meet them.

While I don't know about having a lot of energetic people in my head, I'm familiar with getting a bit overwhelmed by things being busy. We live in a house with five other people, and sometimes I really start feeling like I want some alone time, and so I take it. There's nothing really wrong with that. A crystal palace sounds nice. Personally, I tend to create places with a really nice view, or work on developing already existing areas in my wonderland. I've been working on my little town for weeks and weeks now, it's relaxing to do.

 

Finding a balance

I suppose this is the hardest part of living with so many people in your head. What probably helps is not worrying too much about what you did wrong, but whenever you consider balance, just try to find areas you can improve in, or find areas you've been neglecting. Constantly make adjustments until you find yourself being entirely happy. There's no need to worry, just change things up until you find out what works. Incorporating your girls in activities that don't take your full attention is always good.

 

Mindscapes, Memory Palaces, Etc.

Visualization is difficult when you don't constantly practice it. It helped my host to constantly keep describing things and looking around him. As far as jittery movement goes, trying to imagine yourself as having a body in the wonderland, and really slowly walking around will help. Taking in the environment as you walk will help too, and make things feel more natural.

 

Have you asked Gladys about her mouth moving? Perhaps it does move, and you're just not very good at paying attention to it yet.

 

I haven't got much time left before work, so I'm not going to write a lengthy reply to your bit on fragments right now. It's an interesting concept, and I suppose we talked a bit about it already. I still wonder how much the appearance of these people has to do with your willingness to accept them, seeing as my group really hasn't had much issues with that sort of thing. That's a discussion for later.

Feel free to ask me anything.

Suffering is self-imposed. Don't let it control you.

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Making working on your skill daily a habit is the first step to actually becoming good at something. I hope he cultivates the already really nice skill he has into something even better. (And draws me as requested' date=' hehe.)[/quote']

 

(Sock here: I'm still doing some independent practice at this time, so I'm not doing any requests. I may do so when I feel comfortable enough. There are still some mental barriers that need to be smashed.)

 

Mental support is a really major thing' date=' that will help your host and yourself grow immensely. You can support him by talking about his fears and worries, trying to help him cope with his problems. You can also directly try to influence his emotions for the better, which you already do by being cared for by him, I think. It's not a one way street where affection goes from him to you, that's for certain. I'm quite sure that he gets a lot of fulfillment out of caring for you and the others, and that is worth a lot in and of itself. Focus on making your host happy in every way, like he seems to be concerned about doing to you guys.[/quote']

 

Thank you, I guess I was belittling my role.

 

Just keep working on eliminating the negative emotions he feels here' date=' and in time it won't really be an issue anymore. Seeing the amount of anime girls in his head, I guess it's easy to reasonably explain why there's only girls. In most anime, and seemingly the ones he likes, most of the characters are girls, and almost all actually interesting characters are girls. As a viewer, you hardly ever get to be emotionally involved with guys (again, depending on what you watch), so it's only natural that you feel a closer bond with female characters you come across. Maybe that's why you guys formed in the way you did?[/quote']

 

That's something to think about certainly. But, I don't think that's all there is to it. If that were the case, then most of use would also be robots, since he really like robots. But, the type of characters Anime is known for also hits a button in him, that he hasn't noticed so much in other media, outside literature. I know with Sheryl, Cottonwell felt a more parental affection before she appeared inside. I think his fear is based on the stereotype that those sort of shows are for, the unsavory sort of man, but I don't think that applies to him as he is. If anything, he's become chaste, and fears even looking at a women in the wrong fashion. It's cute.

 

(Sock here: Believe it or not, the anime that I like the most don't aren't completely reflected in my populace. For the record, they are:

Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex

Birdy the Mighty: Decode 02

Shin Mazinger

Turn A Gundam

Cromartie High School

(The Second half of) King of Braves: GaoGaiGar

 

I won't lie and say I didn't really like shows like Ika Musume and Milky Holmes, but I kind of felt they were exceptions, rather than the rule. I did like the cutesy aesthetic even before I got into the two prior mentioned shows, but I also made an active effort to avoid shows like K-On and Lucky Star. Madoka Magica was a bit of an anomaly, since while I found it interesting, I'd kind of say that I was much less enthusiatic as it ended. I found it kind of predictable in ways, the pacing was way too fast, and the insistance on dark hopelessness was grating. With that said; my favorite media characters are female, those being Samus, Noriko Takeya, and Birdy Cephon Altera, so there is something to say about me being drawn to females.)

 

While I don't know about having a lot of energetic people in my head' date=' I'm familiar with getting a bit overwhelmed by things being busy. We live in a house with five other people, and sometimes I really start feeling like I want some alone time, and so I take it. There's nothing really wrong with that. A crystal palace sounds nice. Personally, I tend to create places with a really nice view, or work on developing already existing areas in my wonderland. I've been working on my little town for weeks and weeks now, it's relaxing to do. [/quote']

 

The Palace does have a very nice view, as well, it's something I showed Cottonwell yesterday in a letter. It really is a lovely place, though it also lacks the warmth that the others bring, so I always find myself returning to Midori's house, even for a little while, to be with everyone. I really do like the wood aesthetic, it's cozy.

 

I suppose this is the hardest part of living with so many people in your head. What probably helps is not worrying too much about what you did wrong' date=' but whenever you consider balance, just try to find areas you can improve in, or find areas you've been neglecting. Constantly make adjustments until you find yourself being entirely happy. There's no need to worry, just change things up until you find out what works. Incorporating your girls in activities that don't take your full attention is always good.[/quote']

 

Yes, that last bit is something that I've been really wanting to do for a while, since it would not only help me in general, but it would help them solidify, as well.

In addition, think it would do them good to have them work on something else, rather than just existing and being lovable (Which is not a bad thing, mind). It kind of always bothered me to think that the girls did nothing when I wasn't around, and fed my doubt about the phenomenon fiercely. While that doubt has weakened greately, it does still bother me to think that they don't have anything to do when I'm not around. I can't put my thumb on exactly why, but I do want them to have some sort of life when I'm not directly around them.

 

Visualization is difficult when you don't constantly practice it. It helped my host to constantly keep describing things and looking around him. As far as jittery movement goes' date=' trying to imagine yourself as having a body in the wonderland, and really slowly walking around will help. Taking in the environment as you walk will help too, and make things feel more natural. [/quote']

 

I've actually started doing that, taking note of my body inside, and it does help. It also kind of feels odd when I do it, my body still reacts as if it's being moved, even though it's not moving. When I put focus on move my body internally, I feel my muscles warm up, and a feeling swelling in my heart.

 

Have you asked Gladys about her mouth moving? Perhaps it does move' date=' and you're just not very good at paying attention to it yet.[/quote']

 

It's the latter.

 

I haven't got much time left before work' date=' so I'm not going to write a lengthy reply to your bit on fragments right now. It's an interesting concept, and I suppose we talked a bit about it already. I still wonder how much the appearance of these people has to do with your willingness to accept them, seeing as my group really hasn't had much issues with that sort of thing. That's a discussion for later. [/quote']

 

I've always had some sort of experience with other figures floating around, even when I only had Midori. I usually just brushed them off as intrusive thoughts. As we've discussed before, it was Ellenore's appearance that really broke my initial paradigm; that is, I have complete control of my imagined space and nothing will happen unless I allow it. If that hadn't happened to me, this log would read very differently, and I'd probably still have issues with doubt.

 

The last few days have been slow, as far as relations with my crew is concerned. Though, I was able to visit the Garden for a relatively long time. I mainly interacted with Ellenore and Tomo (A relatively new addition, who spends much of her time with Ellenore), whom were very happy to see me there. Tomo also showed me a part of my Garden that I didn't know about; a luminescent underground lake that can be access in the woods. It was certainly nice to see.

 

Another notable event was with Black, one of my older crew mates, whom I spoke of much earlier in the log. We hadn't seen or spoken to each other for a while, due to multiple issues, and she sent a letter to me concerning this. It was clear from the message that, despite her usually cool attitude, my not acknowledging her was eating her up, she was notably sad in the message, and when I asked for her to stop by in my room, she still seemed pretty sad. As such, we took some time to speak with each other, and reconcile a little bit with one another, even with a point where we just held each other in silence.

 

While I'd say this is a consequence of having so many active crew mates, that would not be the whole story. Even so, Black did express some displeasure about that particular element of the situation, going so far to ask what I saw in the others. I told her that it was their potential for growth in to something greater, but thinking about it now, It may also be that I have an innate soft spot for my crew, Black included. I usually get a sense of affection for them whenever they come up in my thoughts, and a desire to improve them and my relationship with them, if only a little bit day-by-day. I may very well just be too big a softy for my own good concerning them.

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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I'm currently working at a help desk position, requiring me to monitor data streaming in. A decent portion of the time just sitting there, waiting to do a check, or for something to happen. It's a long, 12 hour shift, so it equates to a lot of sitting, but the supervisors are lenient, and will allow operators to read/surf the net/etc. as long as they ensure to keep up with their logs. As such, I've been trying to use this free time to further progress in various goals, one of them being things dealing with my in-dwellers. But, the problem with using my free time at work as a forcing opportunity is that I'm usually sitting next to someone, so verbally speaking is out of the question. If I close my eyes to concentrate, it can easily be construed as me falling asleep.

 

Fortunately for me, I have a journal.

 

Months prior to getting my help desk position, I found that writing to my thought folk was a very workable way of narration when I was in a position when talking to them or thinking to them was inconvenient. Furthermore, writing things down acts as an anchor to the brain, I'm less likely to have my thoughts actively wander during written conversations, in contrast to spoken ones. But, one clear downside is that writing is much slower than speaking, and I often ran into problems where my conversation partner would respond to a thought I had while I was still writing it. I had to ask them to wait for me to finish my sentence before they responded, to avoid confusion. Another advantage to this method is that it is much easier to pick a conversation back up when we are interrupted by an outward event. It has worked pretty well for me: I already have a full journal, and I am working on the second.

 

The previous day, during a period of free time, I decided to take some time and have a written chat with Gladys. When I called to her, letting her know I wanted to talk with her, Kellogg showed up as well, the two had been together when I called Gladys, and Kellogg wanted to stop by, too. I hadn't been able to be around with Kellogg for a long time, so I was happy with her appearance. I've done written conversations with two in-dwellers before, though I had to be a bit more strict with the turn taking, as the two would often respond to each other and respond too quickly for me to write.

While I currently do not have the time to transcribe the entire conversation itself, I can relate some things in it:

 

- Prior to me calling Gladys to talk, Kellogg had been showing her something, though I never asked exactly what. I do remember seeing a visual of Gladys approaching Kellogg in a grassy meadow, while the latter was sitting on a stump watching the sky.

 

- Taking a tip from Jung's active imagination, I tend to go in to great detail about not only what the girls say, but how they react to things, and what emotions they are feeling. Kellogg asked about this, since she was annoyed that I was writing down how she would fidget at times, and react bashfully to things. This ended driving us in to a tangent.

 

- One thing that I've noticed with interactions involving Kellogg and a younger resident, unique among other interactions, is that Kellogg will often get jabs about being a bum, to her chagrin. I witnessed Midori do this a lot, even on public forum, and I've seen others in my system refer to her as such as well, excluding those who are closer to her. Gladys did it during the conversation, and it received a predictable reaction of annoyance from Kellogg, who responded with twerp. The two got in to a small, sibling-rivalry-ish fight about it soon after. The two insist it's not anything serious and is in good fun, Kellogg referring to Gladys as one of her “annoying kid sisters” as a term of endearment adds some weight to this.

 

- Despite their insistence of the harmless nature of their bickering, I really hate seeing my girls fighting. Kellogg and Gladys even commented how they felt my emotion to their clash in their hearts.

 

- Kellogg generally speaks highly of Gladys, calling her a sweet kid and insisting that she really doesn't cause any trouble. The two seem to be on good terms.

 

- When asked about her reputation, Kellogg admits that she has been lazy at times, and made others clean-up behind her. If possible, I wish to help her drop that ill-reputation she has.

 

- This is something I haven't been paying much attention to in recent months, but it was a big factor that impeded our conversation: We were plagued with scores of intrusive, aggressive thoughts during the session. They would often make it seem as if Gladys and Kellogg were fighting more often, and more viciously, than they actually were. Kellogg mentioned it early during the dialogue, but made a point of making a recorded statement about the issue around the time I had to stop the session, with Gladys agreeing with her.

 

Intrusive thoughts impersonating my thought folk was a big problem I had early on. While it decreased later, it never completely disappeared. Fortunately enough, I feel I'm mentally armed with an improved attitude toward these things than I was before, so they should be easier to separate from the real ones, and deal with them appropriately (via ignoring them).

 

Gladys' time as my anchor is coming to a close, about 4 more days from now. I want to keep the rotation going, avoid getting too deep into picking favorites (Which is easy to do when you spend a bunch of time with one for so long), and I've already gotten a few requests to get the next anchor spot. She knows this, too, and has requested that I write her daily after she's switched. Since the inner mail system is an indirect method of communication, it's definitely something that is doable for me. Though if anyone wanted to talk to her directly, I can always have her answer herself. The same goes for anyone who wants to speak to anyone else in my group: Just name them, and I'll have them answer any questions or comments for you guys.

 

As for whom is next: A newer addition, a fragment named Homura requested the spot, mainly because she resents being referred to or thought of as a "fragment". She asked me directly a few weeks ago what she could do to convince me that she was a full person, and not incomplete as the word “fragment” implies. I told her that I'd have to get to know her, to spend time with her, and understand her. Suffice to say, she quickly asked for this to happen, so I reserved the spot for her based on that request. I had others in mind: I felt I've been overlooking Sheryl for a while, and I've been unable to fulfill another one of my relatively older member's request, her name being Yoko, though I never mentioned her before I left the forum for a while. I'll certainly prioritize them while I spend time getting to know Homura, though.

 

 

Mindscape development

 

To my own dismay, work in this sector has been pretty slow. I have been starting to get a little bit of practice in creating memory palaces by using it for very simple things, like remembering to write things after work, and other such small tasks. While the method used from the sites I read about it from suggested using real life areas for them, I always end up using imagined environments, heavily themed around what I'm trying to remember. For example, to remember typing something, I imagine walking through a room full of self-working typewriters. Thus far, I usually go in a straight line when walking through these palaces, focusing on remembering lists of items/actions. I haven't gone so far as to make a full structure for the sake of remembering things. As my visualizations skills get back in shape, I'll continue working with more and more complex structures, and then try to spend as much time as I can in the main garden.

 

When I first began making Midori, my wonderland was super basic: A void room with a small table and two chairs, one for me, and one for Midori. When I expanded it in to the Garden in which Midori and some others reside, I kept that void inside a glass room in the center of the Garden. Since I was having difficulty visualizing/seeing the Garden, I've retreated to the void room until my inner sight improves enough that I can spend more time in the Garden and other inner areas. The void room has expanded quite a bit since them: There are two small room where my anchor and another can reside in when I want them close by in my mind, but I can't directly address them. It has two streetlights in it, with a blue and red orb respectively, that were gifts from a more recent fragment who emerged named Arale. It also has two mailboxes for sending and receiving messages respectively, and a door that leads to my currently in-use memory palace. I don't have to spend much time visualizing or concentrating on the room for it to show up in my mind's eye, so it's going it's job well. Since it's so simple, I can focus a lot more on getting the details correct, so the image is clearer.

 

Based on a post in the tips and tricks section of the forum, I also created a gym, though I haven't used it yet. I'm hoping one day I'll get the time to use it, as a way to help bodily train and visualize my residents.

 

That's all for now. Until Next Time...

Sock Cottonwell's

Sketchbook, Journal, and Ask thread.

Peace

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