New to the Tulpa concept - Wanted to share my story

[Yoksu]

Hello,

 

Since I was a little kid that I started to notice that some things made a lot of sense. The one i clearly remember, was this tall girl with black hair who kept always next to me, never talked, she just stood there. I don't remember the first time I saw her, although the first memory of her comes from my primary school (when I was about 7 years old) and she was standing still at the exit next to my parents who would always pick me up.

 

When I was about 13 years old I suffered from a lot of bullying, mainly due to the fact that I didn't know how to interact with others and I was always quiet. She was my only company, but due to all the anger that I received everyday I wished that it would all stop. I just didn't wanted to recognize her anymore I wanted to be like the others, I guess. That didn't happened and the bullying kept getting worst, I was alone 24/7, had no friends and had lost any desire to have any.

Depression soon started to kick in, and I had no idea on what to do, family was a mess, I couldn't talk to anyone except her even tho I knew I wouldn't have any answer it would was be the most peacefull moment I could achieve.

I don't remember ever seeing her after that period until 3 years ago. 3 years ago, while I was catching the train to go to college a woman sitted next to me, only a few minutes after I looked at my right and realized that it was her and once again I had no idea on what to do. Not long after I felt into a big depression and at that time I had finally managed to have an healthy stable relationship with someone. I couldn't tell her, she (my gf) was the physical representation of the peace and company that I used to feel. I didn't wanted her to be ashamed of me, so I kept it to myself even tho I was getting worse by the day. That's when I started seeing other people and this time I would listen to them and I'd spend entire nights up listening to voices laughing, screaming and crying. Those other figures consisted on and old man and a young little girl that I cannot identify, while the last one was me when I was young. This was what disturbed me the most, it would always be in the corner crying and sometimes it would slit his throat and wrists. I couldn't handle it anymore, failed all classes, girlfriend left me cause I was simply a meat bag, I wouldn't talk or be active like I used to, I wasn't there and soon enough the first suicide attemp, then so on. I'd fill myself with pills and alchool every single time, I was so unware of reality that the last time I tried to kill myself it was on my mothers birthday. I couldn't see those people that loved me always worried and crying, running to the hospital and seeing the doctors doing what they could. They decided that it was for the best for me be in psychiatry hospital, since then until a few months ago I've been taking pills, wich I completly hate. I can't create any true and meaningfull relationship, not even with my parents after I've been into the hospital.

 

I love to see her there every day, it brings me peace but all I trully wanted was to able to maintain that peace and safety with someone without taking the risk of listening day after day something telling me to hurt them in every way.

[Sock]

Greetings Yoksu,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It reminds me of stories of disordered multiples, who were shocked and unfamiliar with the concept, and had little idea of what to do. Have you read up a little on it? While you do not switch, it may be helpful.

 

Have you tried speaking with the others? While my case was not quite as extreme as yours, I have seen a glimpse of a figure being an alternate version of myself, usually venting emotional hurt and frustration.

 

I fear I am not sure what else to say, but I wish you well in your travels.

 

Peace

[Guest Anonymous]

Welcome to Tulpa Info!

 

Wow, what a story! You have been through so much. I am glad you have an imagination that has allowed you to cope to some extend. Yes, I find you story very interesting. Thank you for sharing it with us.

 

I hope things are going better for you and I wish you the best. Keep writing if it helps you. I would like to read more about you and your experiences. You will find people here will be interested in what you have to say and will give you some things to think about on this!