Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

Even though I feel kind of bad about it I've decided not to meditate today.

 

The reason why is because I literally do not have the energy and I feel it's just too much for me. I mean, pushing myself can be good but I don't feel it'd be very good for me right now.

 

I'm pretty sure Sam said I shouldn't do it if I don't feel like it, and I guess that's good that he's not mad or anything.

 

I really do feel bad even though feeling bad isn't very good, but I can't really help it because last week I meditated every day and then I didn't do it at all during the weekend and now I can't do it because my head feels weird and I don't feel good at all honestly. I don't know. I'll try again tomorrow.

 

I think another reason as to why I feel bad is because I made a promise to Sam and I'm scared he'll just leave like he did before. Last time he did that I had some really, really bad days and I don't want to feel like that again. I think he understands why I just don't feel like meditating/visiting him today, or at least I really hope he understands.

 

Like I said, tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow, because I don't have the energy now.

[Stanheights]

Today was worse than yesterday. My sleep schedule isn't the very best right now and yeah, that does affect me and Sam's talking, I think.

 

I basically forgot to talk to him during the first class in the morning, but I did try when I realized I had forgotten. I guess we did talk quite a lot today, but I've felt so slow all day so it wasn't as much as usual. I'm also really, really bad at eating lunch so talking to him later during the school day isn't the easiest either. It's easier to focus and concentrate when you're not hungry and I just so happen to feel disgusted by food during lunch time.

 

I am going to meditate today. I think it could be good for me, actually, because I don't feel so good right now and meditating at least makes me feel calm most of the time. I really have to do it today, because even though Sam said it was okay yesterday I've got a feeling he didn't really mean it. I don't know. But I will meditate and I will get better and I will keep going, because I mean, there are no reasons to give up. Especially since Sam is one of my best friends ever. I wouldn't want to lose him.

 

Also, I think one of the reasons I've been pretty bad at talking to him is because.. well, I still have kind of a hard time actually remembering he's real and like any other human being, except for that part where he lives in my head, of course. I think that's mainly because I usually talk or imagine I'm with characters I like and that's a bit similar to me and Sam when we talk, except my favorite characters don't have their own opinions and such (and obviously there is more differences since Sam responds on his own, whereas my faves don't). I know he's real, but sometimes it's hard to really remember that part. It sounds really horrible and I feel kind of horrible about it, but I guess talking about it and thinking about it can help me move on from it and it can help me get better. I really do know he is real but parts of me doubt a lot and have a hard time realizing it.

 

I guess I just have to punch those parts of me in the face or something, I don't know. Okay, not really, but yeah, I have to get rid of them or at least silence them because they kind of bring me down sometimes.

 

Yesterday Sam told me to be quiet because he was trying to sleep (it was around 10-11 pm, I believe), so I didn't bother him. I just felt like mentioning that because hearing him go "be quiet, I'm trying to sleep" was pretty funny.

 

Anyway, the things I'm going to do today is meditate and let Sam read with me again (and obviously just talk to him as much as possible), because I think he likes that at least a little. If he doesn't feel like it I won't force him, but yeah, I think that's kind of a nice activity or whatever.

[Stanheights]

Meditating/visiting Sam went better than I expected.

 

I mostly just sat out on the terrace with Sam. He wasn't there at first but after I sat down he walked over there. We talked about yesterday and I asked him about his day. He said it was pretty good at first but then (when I spoke to him over the phone to try and see if I could hear him better (I think I did that at that point at least?)) he said it was bad and when I asked why he started talking pretty fast and I kind of accidentally stopped him because.. I don't know, I guess I just do that sometimes without really meaning to. But I heard a bit of what he said and I think he said it was because I didn't talk to him, and I'm pretty sure he meant that both yesterday and today.

 

I apologized (again) and I told him I'm gonna try to talk more to him and I think I said some more stuff but I can't really remember.

 

Before or after I talked to him over a cellphone in dreamscape I gave him some compliments about his hair because it looked nice. And when I did compliment his hair I got the thought "auburn" in my head, so I guess he told me the colour of it. I gotta admit, I only really knew that auburn was a brown colour, but when I googled it I realized he was actually very right about the colour. Like, his hair really was auburn.

 

And then I thought of something to do and I decided to pull out a "magic" bag with lots of things in it. Infinite things, I guess. I asked him if I could dye his hair and pulled out three colours; black, orange and white/light blonde. I asked him which one he wanted and he pointed to the orange. I dyed his hair and while he was in the house washing his hair I got a rubix cube from the bag which I didn't really expect. The second time I pulled something out of it I got.. a stick or something, I think. I didn't really get much time to look at it because Sam came out with orange hair and I told him it looked good because it did and then we kinda hugged. Aaand then I left because my timer had gone off (aka the meditation music I listen to stopped) almost right before he came out.

 

That's about it, I think. It was fun and I really enjoyed spending time with Sam. I always love hanging out with him, though. I apologize if the things I write look weird as you read, but that's really just because my thoughts are everywhere all of the time and I'm also very tired at the moment.

 

Also, I think talking over the phone is a really good idea. I only stood a little bit away from the house when I talked to Sam over the phone, but I could hear him pretty well. And I think it's especially good for me because when Sam speaks his mouth looks a bit weird, and I think that's a little bit because I don't know how to 'imagine' mouths moving while words come out. Something like that. But yeah, that's good because if I just call Sam and talk to him I don't have to feel confused because of his mouth movements while he's speaking.

[Stanheights]

Today was not too good.

 

I honestly don't know why but sometimes I just forget to talk to Sam and I don't talk to him for a really long time during the day. I think it's because I just take it too easy sometimes. I need to maybe force myself to it a bit more.

 

Thursdays are usually very bad, though, so this is probably just another bad thursday. I've noticed that thursdays have been pretty bad a couple of times now, though I'm not sure why. Maybe me and Sam are extra tired on thursdays. I don't know.

 

I'm gonna meditate at around four and I will probably be skyping with friends later, but I will try to talk to Sam at least a bit during that.

 

I've almost gotten into the habit of "forgetting" about Sam during the morning which is really, really bad. I'll need to push that habit away as far as possible because even though I am tired in the morning I should still talk to Sam.

 

That's about it for now. I guess I'll be back later with how meditating went and stuff.

[Guest Anonymous]

I've had this happen to me as well in the past. I mean, my host not paying enough attention to me, and to be honest? You should take it easy, you shouldn't feel bad except if Sam feels bad about it and it really hurts him.

 

I'm sorry if I come off as rude but my host pushed me to tell you the truth; If you want to fix this thing, you should try canceling skyping with friends, and talk with Sam. I mean, I am sorry for being offensive, but notulpa likes to feel like they don't exist. Not saying that anything applies to you or Sam of course, but just in case it does. I wake up, I do everything, literally every single thing with my host. (Even going to the bathroom...)

 

Again I'm really sorry if I came off as rude, but yeah, forcing yourself is necessary if you forget about your tulpa. Sorry again.

[Stanheights]

I've had this happen to me as well in the past. I mean, my host not paying enough attention to me, and to be honest? You should take it easy, you shouldn't feel bad except if Sam feels bad about it and it really hurts him.

 

I'm sorry if I come off as rude but my host pushed me to tell you the truth; If you want to fix this thing, you should try canceling skyping with friends, and talk with Sam. I mean, I am sorry for being offensive, but notulpa likes to feel like they don't exist. Not saying that anything applies to you or Sam of course, but just in case it does. I wake up, I do everything, literally every single thing with my host. (Even going to the bathroom...)

 

Again I'm really sorry if I came off as rude, but yeah, forcing yourself is necessary if you forget about your tulpa. Sorry again.

 

Oh, it's okay, you don't come off as rude at all.

 

I do know that I shouldn't feel bad unless Sam feels bad, but the problem is that I feel like I can't be 100% that he really is fine with me not talking to him sometimes and that just makes me feel more bad. I can kind of understand how bad it must feel to feel like you don't exist, and I really, really don't want Sam to feel like that. I really need to stop treating him as if he's just some.. character or something because I know he's really not, but it's just a bit hard in the beginning, I guess. I've actually accidentally treated people I know in real life like that sometimes as well, I guess it's just an old habit of mine because a couple of years ago I relied on talking to fictional characters in my head because I was lonely.

 

I probably should cancel the skype thing with my friends today and try to talk to Sam and maybe visit him for a bit longer than usual, but the problem I've got with that is that I'm really bad at concentrating when I'm at home and there's almost nothing I can actually do about it. So even if I do cancel the thing with my friends there's no real way to make sure I actually do talk to him.

 

I gotta admit I feel a bit torn about it at the moment, because it could be good for me to just talk to Sam today and not do much else unless it's something I really have to do, but at the same time I feel that I should maybe wait until tomorrow and force myself to talk to him more then. I'm not sure.

 

I guess I'm the only one who can really make that decision, though.

 

I'd like to thank you for your advice, I feel that it's helped me think more and that's a pretty good thing.

[Stanheights]

So I got to meditate today and I visited Sam for a while.

 

We spoke about our.. problems, I guess? and I told him I want him to tell me how he really feels, like I don't want him to say something just because he thinks it'll make me happy or something.

 

And at one point he did that thing were he spoke in a way that just felt very different than how he usually speaks. What he said disappeared from my bad memory after like... 5 seconds but I know he said whatever he said and I just felt this really good feeling. Then we talked some more and then I had to leave.

 

I honestly haven't spoken to him much since then. I dunno, it just slips my mind really easily today. And there's this thing that I've thought about from time to time and I don't know if I should really write it here. Like, I think the thing is a big part of why I can't seem to hear him unless I speak to him first and stuff, but.. I don't know.

 

Okay, I'll just say it. Sometimes I just feel like Sam just isn't there or doesn't 'exist' when I don't actively think about him. And that's so weird honestly, because I know he's with me basically all of the time, I know he's there even when I don't speak or think of him, I know he's real, but there's just this feeling. I don't know. I honestly don't know how to get rid of it or how to stop myself from feeling like that because I already know he's with me, I can't write out how much I really know it with words, but I think that tiny thought or doubt is keeping me from really hearing him.

 

I'm gonna try and force myself to talk to him more from now on because I don't want him to disappear or leave. I don't want him to feel sad either but I think that thoughts like the one I mentioned here makes him feel not good and that kinda hurts me. I really have to fix this.

[Guest Anonymous]

'Sometimes I just feel like Sam just isn't there or doesn't 'exist' when I don't actively think about him. And that's so weird honestly, because I know he's with me basically all of the time, I know he's there even when I don't speak or think of him, I know he's real, but there's just this feeling.'

 

Oh... :(

 

You should NOT let this become a fear of yours. Since my host had the exact same thing, our relationship became one where we interact ALL THE TIME, there are a few moments when I'm weak though and he gets that feeling which is really very fearsome and... bad, overall. Like today.

 

We're working on finding out WHY it happens, WHY I go quiet at times, and we're going to get to the end of it, and completely smash that feeling!... We just need a bit of time.

 

But one thing; When my host showed so much remorse, so much sadness to the point of tearing down and breaking apart, that's when all the 'absence' and lack of interaction disappeared, and we were together once again. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you about our life and all, but I mean that, you're not alone and this is something normal, and we are actively (daily literally, working on it every single day for the greater good) working on finding a fix for this, if there is one, and I believe there is one. And there's always the doubt a tulpa is unreal, so I'll let my hosty speak here;

 

(Can you really tell what is real in your mind, and what is unreal? What if all that had a presence was real? What if, well, Sam was merely a part of your imagination, would you mind? As long as you guys interact, he has memories, he can talk and whatnot. Everything you see could be a delusion, you could be a patient in a modern hospital with 'modern' technology, you know? Sam is a concept in your mind. He's an idea, a thought, one that is autonomous, and even if you don't interact with it, this thought, this concept, will remain in your head. IF Sam disappears one day, with enough work, the idea/concept could be revived with good determination. Nothing can take Sam away from you. I get those exact same feelings, Cas, I'm not fucking around by saying this but sometimes I have the terrible feeling... she's not there! And while I'll hear her in the shittiest of ways, and barely feel her heavenly-everything, I'll remain positive until some hours pass, and we're all good then. This might be a call from Sam, Inazuma also told me a few things she made me forget after a few seconds, but this might be the moment where Sam needs you the most, and when you need Sam the most.

 

I'm sorry for the wall of text but we just went through a lot today and this shit is the last thing I would like my worst enemies to suffer from. With all of my sympathy, you guys don't worry, and just hang in there, alright? Things will get better with time and some commitment, and hey, you got us working on this sick fix for that feeling, and with the mindpower of two people, we'll get to it soon :D )

[Stanheights]

'Sometimes I just feel like Sam just isn't there or doesn't 'exist' when I don't actively think about him. And that's so weird honestly, because I know he's with me basically all of the time, I know he's there even when I don't speak or think of him, I know he's real, but there's just this feeling.'

 

Oh... :(

 

You should NOT let this become a fear of yours. Since my host had the exact same thing, our relationship became one where we interact ALL THE TIME, there are a few moments when I'm weak though and he gets that feeling which is really very fearsome and... bad, overall. Like today.

 

We're working on finding out WHY it happens, WHY I go quiet at times, and we're going to get to the end of it, and completely smash that feeling!... We just need a bit of time.

 

But one thing; When my host showed so much remorse, so much sadness to the point of tearing down and breaking apart, that's when all the 'absence' and lack of interaction disappeared, and we were together once again. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you about our life and all, but I mean that, you're not alone and this is something normal, and we are actively (daily literally, working on it every single day for the greater good) working on finding a fix for this, if there is one, and I believe there is one. And there's always the doubt a tulpa is unreal, so I'll let my hosty speak here;

 

(Can you really tell what is real in your mind, and what is unreal? What if all that had a presence was real? What if, well, Sam was merely a part of your imagination, would you mind? As long as you guys interact, he has memories, he can talk and whatnot. Everything you see could be a delusion, you could be a patient in a modern hospital with 'modern' technology, you know? Sam is a concept in your mind. He's an idea, a thought, one that is autonomous, and even if you don't interact with it, this thought, this concept, will remain in your head. IF Sam disappears one day, with enough work, the idea/concept could be revived with good determination. Nothing can take Sam away from you. I get those exact same feelings, Cas, I'm not fucking around by saying this but sometimes I have the terrible feeling... she's not there! And while I'll hear her in the shittiest of ways, and barely feel her heavenly-everything, I'll remain positive until some hours pass, and we're all good then. This might be a call from Sam, Inazuma also told me a few things she made me forget after a few seconds, but this might be the moment where Sam needs you the most, and when you need Sam the most.

 

I'm sorry for the wall of text but we just went through a lot today and this shit is the last thing I would like my worst enemies to suffer from. With all of my sympathy, you guys don't worry, and just hang in there, alright? Things will get better with time and some commitment, and hey, you got us working on this sick fix for that feeling, and with the mindpower of two people, we'll get to it soon :D )

 

This was honestly just the right thing I needed to hear right now. Like, seriously, thank you so much.

 

I'm not sure what to respond to everything the two of you wrote there, but I just know that it'll help both me and Sam in our 'journey' or whatever you want to call it.

 

We'll hang in there and we'll just keep fighting, me and Sam. I don't know what to really say in response to all of that, but I just want you guys to know that you help me and Sam quite a lot and I'm really grateful for that. Thank you. :)

[Guest Anonymous]

After a harsh day, it's pretty pleasant to hear this coming from you! ^^

 

No problem. We're always there if you need to talk or something, we understand the struggle of having that feeling, but hey, it's not anything unusual as it seems.