Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

So I guess a thing happened just now.

 

I randomly decided to write "Sam = a cute babe that I love" on skype, like that little mood message thing you can put on there, and I figured I could leave something from Sam there, too. So I asked him what he wanted to put there after "Cas =" and I heard "a cutie" first, and then when I got him to stop my thoughts a bit he said "a cutie that I love" which is pretty cute. I wasn't sure if he really said it, though, so I've asked him and I think he's leaning towards no. Which is kind of a shame, I guess? I don't know. It's hard to really hear him and it's hard to know what he really means.

 

I've asked him if he thinks that, though, like if he thinks that thing he "said", and he said yes so I guess I can just keep it there even though he didn't really say it.

 

(Also, I asked him if he said "a cutie" at first literally 2 seconds ago, and he said yes.)

---

Alright, just gotta add this here real quick.

 

I just had a conversation with Sam, I think? it felt a bit weird, but I think it was him that was talking.

 

I asked him what he did today, and he said he went with me to school. Which is what he did. And to my surprise, he thinks it's fun. Like actually fun. I asked him if he really thinks so and he said yes.

 

Then I asked him what he had for dinner, but for some reason I accidentally said breakfast instead and he said he had food for breakfast. And when I asked him what he had for dinner he said pancakes, I think. I had pancakes for dinner earlier and I told him he could have some if he didn't know what else to eat.

 

So, yeah. That was what we talked about. It was interesting, but at the same time a bit weird. That's probably because I'm not used to having longer conversations with him, tho'. Yeah, that's most likely why it feels a bit odd.

 

I might go to sleep soon, but I don't know. We'll see.

[Stanheights]

Today went about as well as yesterday. I talked to Sam and he's starting to talk more and more, I think.

 

About two times now I've kind of "stopped" him from saying something, if that makes sense? Like I'm accidentally parroting him saying no or yes and I can literally hear him saying something else "behind" it. I guess that's a bit good though, because that helps me hear where his mindvoice is and all that.

 

I asked him what he was having for lunch and he just said "the same as you." so I guess he just kinda eats the same food as me during school sometimes. I'm not sure if he ate what the others were eating or if he just had the exact same vegetarian food as me, though. I asked him but the response was a little unclear.

 

Today I'll be going into town with my father and Sam's also going. There isn't really much interesting things there, but yeah, he's good at keeping me company when I walk around stores looking at sponges and food and what-not.

 

I don't think he's actually started a conversation with me yet, but he can be pretty shy so that's probably why he just doesn't take that first step. Which is fine by me since I'm shy as well and talking to him first helps me practice taking the first step a bit.

Or wait, he did say "I want a girlfriend, too" out of basically nowhere today I think. Because earlier I was thinking about like.. having a girlfriend a lot, I guess? I don't know, but yeah I guess I did that and maybe he realized he'd like a girlfriend as well or something.

 

I kinda asked him about his sexual or romanic orientation as well, but a bit earlier, and I'm pretty sure he's.. heterosexual, maybe? I'm not entirely sure. It doesn't matter that much, tho', because he loves whoever he loves. I mean, as long as I can still smooch him from time to time (as friends, okay? okay) I'm fine.

 

I'm really happy we're kind of making progress with the thought/talking stuff. Really really happy.

[Stanheights]

Going to town went... okay-ish, I guess?

 

I talked to Sam quite a lot when we got there, but then the talking just kinda went down. But that might be because I got really tired because I get tired when I'm around people, and Sam might've gotten tired, too.

 

I should probably take it easy for a while now so I don't get an headache or something, because that'd be bad.

 

I might do something simple in dreamscape before going to bed. Maybe.

[Stanheights]

Today was kind of a bad day again. I started feeling anxious during the last class and yeah.

 

I did talk to Sam a bit but not much. He mostly just responded with "yeah" and then some short sentences. I guess that's alright, because I mean, everyone needs some time apart from time to time.

 

I did go into dreamscape for a short time during a class, though, and when I was just sitting there in the blue place Sam walked over to me and sat down next to me. I asked him what he was doing and he jus answered "with you", I think? or maybe that was the only part of what he said I heard. And then I kinda played with his hair for a bit because I love doing that. It's so nice. I know I've probably said that before but it really is nice to play with his hair.

 

Also, I talked to my closest friend yesterday and she's really accepting of Sam and tulpa stuff in general, and she also said she kinda wanted a tulpa but I said I'm not sure if that's really her thing or whatever. Because.. well, it just doesn't seem like something for her because I know her. Anyway, she asked some stuff about him, like "Isn't it weird if you have a tulpa (she basically calls them "imaginary friends" or "ones like Sam") and don't believe in that stuff?" which was kind of a weird question? but I tried to answer it as good as possible. It was almost kinda weird to talk about Sam and not to him, because I basically only ever talk to him except on here. A bit before my friend started asking stuff Sam went to bed so I couldn't really have him help me answer her questions.

But I'm glad my friend's so accepting of it. It makes me pretty happy.

 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to talk very much to Sam this weekend, because my friend is coming over and whenever she's here in this town everyone comes over basically. So I'll probably be around a lot of people and it's still kinda hard to talk to him when people are talking to me or around me. I guess we could practice talking while other people are around, though. That would probably be pretty good. Yeah, I might do that.

 

Since I'm not sure if I'll be able to write any updates this weekend I just wanna say that I hope everyone has a good day/night.

[Stanheights]

As I expected, I haven't been able to talk much at all to Sam this weekend.

 

I guess there were some smaller conversations, but he just responded with "yes" or "no" and things like that again.

 

Now I'm ready to start talking to him more again, though, because now I probably won't hang out with people too much. At least I don't think I will. We'll see.

 

I've kinda missed him this weekend to be honest. I've thought about him and talked about him, though. But still, it's weird to not talk to him.

 

One thing I have done this weekend is I've still gone into dreamscape before falling asleep and I've just lied down next to Sam. Because that's what I always do basically.

 

Tomorrow I'm thinking we're gonna walk to school together and I'm hoping Sam might be able to shake me awake if I fall asleep too late today. He might be asleep for quite some time, too, though. I mean, I usually get up before him.

[Stanheights]

Today was a very very bad day for me and Sam. Really bad.

 

We barely talked at all and I found it pretty hard to get any response from him. I don't know what's happened. It almost feels like he's.. gone. But he can't be, right? No, he wouldn't just leave or something.

 

I really hope he starts talking to me more again, I feel kinda lonely without him.

[Stanheights]

So he's talked to me once and that was when I asked him if a gif was how he'd react to a certain situation (it was some zodiac sign thing, I like those), but he still just basically replied with "yes".

 

I'm feeling awfully tired honestly, and feeling that empty feeling in my head doesn't exactly help. I guess Sam might be blocking me out or something. But I don't know why. And I'm almost too tired to find out why. I should try and talk to him but I really am tired right now.

 

I guess I'll try to talk to him, and then maybe go to sleep soon.

 

I might actually pray that Sam hasn't disappear and won't disappear or leave me. I don't exactly pray ever because I'm not a very religious person but sometimes I just kinda pray for something to whatever's up or down there. I don't know. I kinda feel like doing that right now, because I'm feeling legit worried that he's left or something. It's just so quiet.

 

It's almost a bit weird how I often fail to recognize his thoughts or see what his thoughts are but when he's not there I can feel it. It's hard to eplain, but I feel it. It' just empty and more quiet.

[Stanheights]

So today I'm going to try and talk to Sam a little, even if it's just describing things I'm doing or things I see.

 

I could just barely get into dreamscape yesterday, I don't know why but I was basically just pushed out. I'm scared I've done something really wrong so that Sam doesn't want me there anymore. I don't know.

 

If I can't talk to him at all this week I'll try and spend most of my time during the weekend with him. I'm still hoping he won't leave or something.

[Stanheights]

I guess today was a bit better, because I talked to Sam a bit but I didn't get many answers. I'm pretty sure I asked him if he was mad at me or something but I can't really remember what his answer was. I think it was yes, but I don't know why he'd be mad at me.

 

I tried to describe things around me or what I was doing for a while but my concentration just went away and I couldn't focus on Sam a lot of the time.

 

Another thing I tried to do was get into dreamscape, but I still get pushed out in some weird way. I don't know why or how that even happens. Sigh.

 

I guess I should try and meditate and get in again but.. I don't know. I'm just so tired and I don't even know why. I just feel generally tired because of lots of things, not just the fact that I want to sleep. I mean, based on how much I slept last night I shouldn't even be tired right now.

 

I'm just not sure about what to do.

[Stanheights]

So I think I know why Sam and I have had bad days lately.. I think it's because I'm not feeling too good, like I feel I'm generally not in a very good place mentally right now and it might also be because I didn't talk to him at all during the last weekend. I'm not sure, though.

 

I asked him if we're gonna be okay before and he said "of course", so I guess we will be okay. I sure hope so.

 

I'm also very tired so concentrating on him is really hard right now, I'm not sure when I'll have more energy again.

 

I guess I know he's not really mad at me now, though, so that's good.