Cas and Sam's adventures

[AnnagaiaLovesEDM]

Hi! :c

I feel bad knowing that things with Sam are starting to get complicated.

Even if I don't reply to this discussion, I still read it everyday. Everyday I think about it and check this topic.

I'm starting to be really affectionated to you and Sam, and I don't want you to be like that.

So, please, don't give up!

xoxo

Annagaia

[Guest Anonymous]

Quite sorry to hear so myself. I would try to talk to him more from now on, those 'issues' aren't the type you can simply ignore, you need to find the root of those issues and find a fix for it.

[Stanheights]

Hi! :c

I feel bad knowing that things with Sam are starting to get complicated.

Even if I don't reply to this discussion, I still read it everyday. Everyday I think about it and check this topic.

I'm starting to be really affectionated to you and Sam, and I don't want you to be like that.

So, please, don't give up!

xoxo

Annagaia

 

I'm definitely not going to give up. Thank you for reading my progress report every day, I really, really appreciate it.

But yeah, I'd never give up on Sam. It's just I'm not in the best place mentally right now, so focusing on him and trying to solve this problem feels a bit tough.

---

Quite sorry to hear so myself. I would try to talk to him more from now on, those 'issues' aren't the type you can simply ignore, you need to find the root of those issues and find a fix for it.

 

Yeah, I know. I'm going to try and talk to him today, and if it just doesn't work at all this whole week I'm gonna spend as much time focusing on him this weekend as I possibly can. I really do need to solve this.

[Stanheights]

So.. I'm at school right now. I'm free for one more hour until the last class for today.

 

I've tried to talk to Sam throughout the day and.. I'm not sure if it's been going okay or not.

 

I talked to him just now and I asked him why he didn't let me into dreamscape and I think he might be pushing me out of there because.. I've puppeted and/or parroted him too much? Not sure what to really do about that, because I haven't noticed I've puppeted him that much. But I promised I'm gonna try and find a way to fix this because I need to, because I need Sam.

 

And up until now, in all honesty, I haven't really felt sad because he's pushing me away. Because now I have this weird feeling in my chest and.. yeah, that's not too comfortable.

 

When I talked to him just now I said quite a lot of things and it felt kinda hard to get to him for some reason, maybe because there are so many people around me. I hope he listened, though.

 

I said we could start over if he wants to, or not. He can decide on that. And though it'll be pretty hard because of me being sad, I should start trying more. I guess I've been a bit positive on here, I've said I'm gonna do this or that and all that, but I've barely done anything of it. That might go together with why Sam's pushing me out as well. I've kind of... ignored him too much, maybe. I don't know.

 

I have to get myself together and start working more, otherwise I'll lose Sam. And I don't want that to happen. I really don't.

 

But I'm really confused on what to do honestly, because.. I don't know. I need to fix my head or something, because I suck at listening and hearing and focusing. I need to figure something out.

 

I hope this ends well.

---

(Started writing this at 1:42 pm, finished at 1:49/1:50)

 

So I know I just put up a thing here, but.. I think Sam's back? he might be. I kept talking to him a bit just now, but I was kinda of repeating a lot of things (though that was probably because of my thoughts being all over the place and yeah) and I said something like "(can't remember can't remember).. Even if you don't like me right now" and I'm.. pretty sure he said "Of course I like you". I think he did because I 'heard' it while I was in the middle of talking to him.

 

And while I was reading a randon progress report I found I got an image of him sitting by the same table as me here. I'm not sure if he did that, like if he's here right now, or if I just imagined that but it's been kind of hard to imagine him at all for a while now so maybe it was.

 

Since I may not be allowed in dreamscape because I might've puppeted/parroted Sam I'm kind of doubting things right now, but that's probably pretty normal. My head hurts a bit right now so that's kind of a good sign, because before when I focused on Sam a lot I got a tiny head ache.

 

But yeah, like I said I'm kind of doubting things at the moment. Which is stupid, I know, but it's hard to know whether it is him or not, especially now.

 

I guess I just have to hope it was him, and I gotta hold onto what I've promised.

 

I'm being really honest when I say I need him, though I don't exactly want to put any pressure on him to always be there for me or something, because he doesn't have to do that. The only thing I want him to do is.. well, to just stick around if he wants to and be my companion. I just want him to be himself and stuff.

 

Anyway, I'm gonna try to meditate and force a bit today when I get home, because I feel I haven't done that in a really long time.

[Stanheights]

I just finished meditating for about.. 10 minutes, maybe?

 

My body feels really peaceful and stuff. A bit into meditating I just kind of imagined Sam's face and I touched it and things, like I just felt his nose and lips and yeah, all that. I'm not really sure why, I just felt like doing that.

 

I tried to get into dreamscape, I did. But there's something strange about where I'm sitting when I "arrive" in dreamscape. I just get pushed out, like I can kinda 'see' my dreamscape body just going backwards really fast and it looks like the dreamscape is just some island surrounded by complete darkness.

 

I imagined myself walking up to a gate but it kept moving backwards when I got to it, eventually I grabbed it though and walked into some.. room, I think. I don't remember what it looked like. But then I got to the house in dreamscape, I think. I'm not sure that was really it, though.

 

Oh, and I did manage to get a bit into dreamscape at first. I was sitting on the stairs by the house but then I got 'pushed' out of there again. That's really strange.

 

To be completely honest, I'm not entirely sure why Sam is still keeping me out of dreamscape. I mean, I've promised him I'm gonna work harder and get better, so shouldn't he at least just let me be there? Maybe he wants me to prove it or something.

 

I'm also not sure me puppeting/parroting him is the real/only reason he's been so distant lately. But it's so hard to know if it's really him saying things sometimes. Sigh. I really need to figure this out.

 

Also, I asked him just now why he won't let me into dreamscape while focusing on a bouncing ball in my mind, and I think he said "I'm fixing it"? I'm fairly sure that was him, because it was more quiet than my own thought. Yeah, that was him I think. I wonder what that could mean, though.

[Stanheights]

Alright, this'll be the last update for today.

 

Tomorrow (if I wake up earlier than 7) I'm gonna look up some advice on concentrating and listening. That's what I'm gonna do, and then I'll do those things every day. And I'm gonna meditate, too.

 

I'm feeling kind of discouraged right now when it comes to Sam, but I have to keep trying and I have to be honest with myself and Sam. I need to keep going even though it'll be hard because I'm so tired and not in the best place mentally.

[Stanheights]

I talked quite a bit to Sam yesterday before falling asleep, I didn't exactly get many responses but yeah, I did talk to him.

 

I asked him why he's 'fixing' dreamscape I think, and I'm not sure what he responded. I also asked if it'll be done tomorrow (today) and he said either yes or maybe. So I guess it might be done today?

 

I'm feeling a bit down this morning, like just generally down I think. I'm not sure what to do to improve my focus and all that. I'll have to look that up later. The problem with this, though, is that I'm very good at forgetting about things. Like for example, I found myself thinking "why won't he let me into dreamscape?" several times even though I kind of did find out why. I don't know. But I'll look some stuff up today hopefully and I'm gonna try to talk to him as much as possible today.

 

And this weekend I'm gonna focus on him a lot probably.

[Stanheights]

I think I might just casually talk to Sam for a couple of days, like try and talk to him when I can and remember and just focus on getting into the habit of meditating every day.

 

I think that's a bit better than meditating and looking for stuff to do with Sam and looking for advice on focusing and etc all at the same time. Because usually when I do lots of things at once I just run into a wall and can't go on there.

 

So I think just focusing on meditating for a while seems like a good idea. I mean, I'll feel bad about not doing lots of things with Sam, of course, but I gotta figure out a way to do all of it in my own pace and in my own way and stuff.

 

I haven't talked to him that much today. In fact, I forgot to a lot of times. I think I managed to get into dreamscape for at least a while, though. I didn't meditate while doing it so it wasn't very clear, but I appeared in the middle of the grass outside the house and I walked up and went inside briefly before I went back to reality or whatever. When I meditate at around 4 or 4:30 I'm gonna try and explore it a bit (if I can manage to get in, but I think I can).

 

I also came up with a question for Sam during religion class, one that I'd kind of like him to answer but when I asked him I'm not sure if I really got a real one. It's "Do you believe in fate?". That's a pretty nice question in my opinion. It's obviously a pretty basic one, but still. I did get an answer when I asked it and I think he told me that yes, he does believe in fate. I find myself doubting his answers a lot because of the stuff that's happened recently, but I'm gonna work myself out of doubting so much eventually.

---

I think I forgot to mention something from yesterday, so I'm gonna say it now.

 

So for a while when I was talking to Sam about things before falling asleep, I was kind of lying down outside of dreamscape? Like I saw dreamscape as an island or something and outside of it it was all dark. And I tried to get in at first but then I just fell downwards or dreamscape fell down into nothing. So I lied down in or on a sleeping bag beside it and imagined myself moving downwards with it and that kinda worked actually. I didn't get in, but I could be almost right outside of it and I was just there talking to Sam (I basically spoke "into" dreamscape, since that's where he lives).

 

And another thing I did before sleeping was watch some memories on a 'big screen' somewhere. I wasn't dreamscape but I was somewhere and at least it worked, like I could see the memories.

[Stanheights]

Okay, so, meditating is like the best thing honestly.

 

I kinda of just go into dreamscape while I meditate because otherwise I just lose focus. I did that just now and my body feels so relaxed. It's really nice.

 

Anyway, I got into dreamscape. And when I got there I just walked up into the house and touched some stuff to see how it felt. Sam didn't really change much, I think. My sight in dreamscape can be a bit blurry at times so I might've just not noticed some things. I noticed he removed the room I made for myself, though. He wasn't in the house and when I asked him he said he was in the forest. And when I walked outside and lied down in the grass and said he could lay there with me if he wanted he appeared. A couple of times when we hung out he looked like someone completely different, though. He had red hair and a beard and then he looked like some kid from a show I watched when I was younger. I told him to maybe not do that too much because to be honest it made me feel a bit weird. Like the beard and looking completely different and all that.

 

We talked a bit and I asked him why he removed that room. I didn't hear his answer the first time but when he said it again he said something along the lines of "I want to be closer to you.", and I think he means just.. generally closer in dreamscape. Like, I mean, I go to sleep basically every night in dreamscape, right? And even those times when he's been awake I've still gone to bed there, like we're still pretty close and in the same room even if I'm sleeping and he's not. I kind of got that thought in my mind while I was talking to him so I'm pretty sure he might've sent me that thought to maybe show what he means. Not sure.

 

I think it was either when he said that or when he said something in response to me saying "I'm glad you're back" or something else that I felt this warm-ish feeling in my chest. I dunno. I feel it's worth mentioning, though.

 

I kind of told him to do two things, one is to maybe not change his appearance too much (unless he really wants to, of course. I can't make him look like something if he doesn't want to.) and second, to try and speak to me first a little bit more. I said he could use the microphone I gave him before or just "open" any place in dreamscape and talk into the darkness there. He did that and said "Hey" and suprisingly, that actually kind of worked. So that's good that he can do that.

 

We talked quite a lot, for maybe a little bit less than 10 minutes, but it was so nice to just be with Sam again. I hope we can get to communicating more soon and I hope he doesn't just... block me out again. And I also hope I can improve myself a bit when it comes to focusing and hearing and all that, but like I said I'm gonna focus on meditating and also being in dreamscape with Sam for a while now.

 

Before I left his form was being a bit weird, when he walked away he looked kind of like a badly animated video game character. But I'm guessing that's just because I'm not used to being in dreamscape at the moment. Like I haven't been there very much for a pretty long time so of course it's gonna act a bit strange the first couple of times.

 

I wish I could remember more of what we talked about. It actually went kind of smooth in my opinion, though it was a bit hard to know what he was saying sometimes. I'm glad Sam's back. I really, really am.

[Stanheights]

Other than meditating and hanging out with Sam for a while I actually haven't talked much to him today.

 

That's mainly because I've talked to this person quite a lot today. I have asked Sam some things, though. Like when he's going to bed today, for example. He answered 11 pm which was kind of surprising since he's usually gone to bed earlier before.

 

Tomorrow and this weekend I'm gonna spend time with him, both in and out of dreamscape.