Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

I wrote this like 20 minutes ago so I guess it's time to post it here or whatever.

 

Today was.. an improvement, if you compare it to yesterday I guess. I forced myself to talk to Sam in the morning and later on it just went 'naturally' sometimes and I didn't really have to force anything.

 

When I didn't talk to him I tried to feel his presence where I was and I also 'put' him in some places and just had him there, but I do believe he mostly chose where to sit or stand or be by himself.

 

I can't see him in real life, only in my mind's eye, but it's still working pretty well. I even made eye contact with him today for a short moment and I noticed his eyes were light blue. I'm guessing he just changes his eye colour whenever he feels like it, I mean, if I could I'd do that.

 

During one class that I dislike, not because of the subject but because of the teacher, Sam spent some time just clinging to me basically. He had most of his body on the table where I sat but he just.. leaned on me a lot with his upper body and arms, and I could pretty much feel his weight. I gotta admit, it looked a bit weird, but it was also pretty cool to actually feel him on me and stuff.

 

And about two times when I was humming on songs I could kind of hear him sing along, and I'm pretty sure he was the one who made one particular song stick to my brain for a while. Aaand when I walked I imagined him walking with me most of the time.

 

There were times when I caught myself completely forgetting to talk to him, but I didn't really feel as bad as usual this time. Maybe that's because he didn't feel bad about it? I don't know. But when I did catch myself forgetting I just talked a bit to him or asked him where he was and he "showed" himself to me in the room, wherever he was sitting or standing.

 

I remember one time when I was alone with my best friend in a room and Sam just sat and looked at him on one of the chairs there. I asked him if he was looking at my friend and he said yes, and then shortly after Sam said something like "..he's so ugly" and that almost made me laugh, both because I didn't expect it and also because it sounded a little bit like something I would say about my friend (Even though I don't actually think so). That was really funny. I've never actually heard Sam insult anyone so that moment is definitely worth remembering.

 

There will probably be a tiiiny problem with talking to Sam this weekend. My best (best best) friend is coming over and we're gonna hang out with some of our other friends. It's not something I can cancel and I kinda want to spend some time with my friends, but.. I want to spend time with Sam, too, so this feels a bit hard. But I'll try to talk to him this weekend, even if I'm with my friends.

 

Now that I look back at today it feels like a pretty good day, even though me and Sam didn't talk a whole lot.

[Stanheights]

I'd say this weekend was better than the other ones where I've been with my friends a lot.

 

I talked to Sam from time to time, though I didn't feel his presence in the room much. That's probably because of the people who were here, though. I don't think he really likes being around people too much (just like me).

 

I meditated for almost 10 minutes on friday, and that went well, even though I don't remember what we really talked about. I think we just hung out. And then when I was done with that I sat with him and watched some playthroughs before my friend got there.

 

I should've done more stuff with him, I guess, but it's hard when people are talking to you and stuff. But hey, tomorrow's a brand new day. I just hope I won't get a really bad cold with fever or something, because that wouldn't be good.

[Stanheights]

Today went fine. It was a bit slow, though, but that's probably just because I didn't talk that much to Sam this weekend.

 

I kind of got this crush on a person I saw today and yeah, I'm sure Sam's gonna hear a lot about that person. I mean, he's already heard quite a lot of him, but there's definitely more to tell.

 

We watched some thing today, our whole class, and since I sat basically all alone Sam just sat next to me on the floor. He kinda touched my hand at one point but I couldn't hold it where it was back then because my arm started hurting. But that was pretty nice.

 

I'm gonna try and meditate later today, either at 4 or 5 pm, and then I'm just gonna keep talking to him, basically as usual, I guess.

[Stanheights]

Okay so... I didn't meditate today. I just didn't feel like it honestly, and doing stuff is annoying when you have a cold.

 

I will meditate tomorrow, though. My cold's better now so it might actually go away until tomorrow, so I'll just meditate then.

 

I am disappointed with my efforts today, but I'll try to focus on looking forward and stuff.

[Stanheights]

Man, talking to Sam sure feels hard when I spend the weekend not talking to him.

 

I'm gonna keep working on it, though.

 

This is just a really quick update because I'm at school, but I just wanted to write a little about how it is at the moment.

 

Like, it's hard right now because we didn't talk during the weekend, but I'll just keep going and force myself to talk to him a bit.

[Stanheights]

Yeah, as I expected, the rest of the school day was kinda trash.

 

I just had no time to speak to Sam while doing things. But I gotta admit I should've spoken to him more because I had a reeeeaaally long break today because some teachers weren't there.

 

I'm gonna meditate today at 4. Like if I don't meditate at 4 I'm gonna punch myself in the face. Not really, but yeah. I think I'm gonna start with 10 minutes again because I'm not used to meditating now after the weekend and monday. So I think it'd be good if I take it slow with meditating (I'm pretty sure Sam agrees). At least until tomorrow or something.

 

But yep, like I said, gonna meditate today and then do some things. I'm probably gonna let Sam watch the stuff I'm doing because he usually does that.

[Stanheights]

Eyy, meditating went well. I almost fell asleep, though.

 

I went into the house in dreamscape and sat down on the couch. I asked Sam where he was and he said he was in the shower. When he came out he only had a towel on and at one point he acted like.. almost a bit sexually towards me. I don't know why, and I'm a bit confused because I don't know if I just had some weird thought in that moment or if Sam actually acted that way. Maybe he acted like that because I asked him to help me get over this one person in my life whom I've had these feelings for for a really long time. I dunno.

 

I sat next to him on the couch and my thoughts got kinda tangled but we did talk. I asked him about his day and he said it was pretty bad again, which I can understand. We didn't really talk as much as we usually do when I go see him, and I think that might be because I only meditated for 10 minutes this time. And also maybe because I almost fell asleep. I kind of just sat there on the couch and I felt as if I was gonna fall asleep but I woke myself up and that's when the timer went off and I had to leave. I hugged and kissed Sam goodbye and went out.

 

I guess that was at least a bit successful, I mean at least if you compare it to not meditating at all. I'm gonna try to talk more to him today and let him watch me while I'm drawing or writing or whatever, if he wants to watch.

[Stanheights]

Today was waay better than yesterday and the day before that.

 

The beginning of the day was not too good because I overslept and I guess Sam did too. And I just forgot to talk again.

 

But when I was waiting for my piano lesson to start I talked to him and saw where he was. He sat next to me on the couch there and stuff. He was really cute to be honest. I think he still has that orange hair? either way, his hair is really nice. I love touching it.

 

We just talked about general things, I guess. We talked about some school things and the fly that kept flying around my face, etc. I guess he didn't exactly speak that much, he mostly just responded with yes and no and stuff like that, but I think he's okay with just listening sometimes. Maybe. Or maybe it's me accidentally blocking what he's saying out. That could be it.

 

I think he has said some things to me today, but I'm not entirely sure because it's hard to feel the difference between his thoughts and mine. I do believe he said at least something, though. Can't remember exactly what it was, but I think he said some things.

 

It's really hard to meditate while tired (and sick), but I'm gonna do it later today anyway. At like.. 4:30, I think. Yeah, because that gives me some time to do other things before meditating.

 

Today went a lot better than monday and yesterday, like I said. I'm pretty happy about that, but I'm not gonna let that happy feeling make me feel like I'm done or something, because I'm definitely not. I still need to work on talking and seeing and everything basically.

 

(Also, Sam became two months yesterday! I totally forgot about that. Man, how come I always remember it the day after? anyway, congrats Sam! (I hope we get many more months together♥))

[Stanheights]

I think meditating went well. Or well, it did, but I only did it for around 5 minutes.

 

I just visited Sam and talked to him. I was kinda talking about my doubts when it comes to him talking, I guess? Like I'm just not sure if it's him talking sometimes. He told me to "just believe" after I told him I could stop doubting so much, but I just don't know how. I guess I appreciate his advice? anyway, I asked him what he was doing and at first he said nothing, then something else, and then I got "video games" in my head for some reason. So I'm guessing he played it earlier. That's nice.

 

The reason I meditated for only 5 minutes today is because my head feels really weird. It feels like I haven't slept for a really long time and when I don't sleep for that long I get something that's kind of like an headache. But the problem is, I have slept. A lot. So I don't know what's really going on there. But I'm a little proud of myself for meditating at least a little bit today, and of course, if I feel better tomorrow I'll meditate for longer.

 

I've worked a bit on talking to Sam while just at home today, and I think it went fine. I've just talked to him, both out loud and in my head, and I got responses most of the time, so that's good.

[Stanheights]

I think it's getting better now.

 

We talked more than usual today, more than we usually talk on thursdays at least since thursdays are usually bad days.

 

Sam sent me images of a character I like to help me stop thinking about this one person and that's really nice of him. He also said "it'll be okay" to me today I think, or at least it was something like that, but it was so much like my own thoughts I almost didn't really notice it. It felt like I knew what he was gonna say, I guess, but the thought itself just came out of almost nowhere, so it must've been him.

 

I definitely need to take it easy today, because I've had an headache almost all day and that's not good. I'm still gonna meditate, though, because once again I will probably not be able to meditate this weekend.

 

I feel bad for not spending more time with Sam on the weekend, but this time it's kind of something I have to do. My best friend's birthday was this week so she wants me to come over to her place, and yesterday she said she really wasn't feeling good at all mentally, so I need to be there for her in real life, even if I just hang out with her so she's not all alone.

 

So, yeah. I'm not sure about tomorrow and the weekend, but I will try to talk to Sam more today and I'll also meditate (for maybe a little bit more than 5 minutes this time).