Lumi's Dreaming Thread; Dreams of Moon

[Luminesce]

Motivation is hard. Where did it go? When did it leave? Why? I don't think I ever stopped caring about this "most important thing in my life", so where did the sense of urgency to make progress go? I might be barking up the wrong tree here since a lot of this site's members tend to have issues staying motivated to spend time with their tulpas, but do you see what I mean? I never exaggerated a thing. I really want this more than anything. And I want to want to work for it. The "Motivation" is still there, but I'm not "Motivated" by it. Story of my dang life.

 

I obviously can't help myself, so rather than stubbornly accept helplessness I'll be productive and ask for help. Law of Attraction wise that means being open to possibilities that may be of aid that you may normally ignore or just not notice. But in this case I'm specifically asking Tewi. Just looking at my posts in this thread and hers... And she only cares because I care, not because she's otherwise personally invested. Jesus, I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

 

 

It might be ironic to say I can't help myself and then ask my tulpa for help, but they've all proven themselves to be as not-me as me can be. If the things I care about most in this world can't motivate me, no amount of placebo will either. Tewi is as much her own person as I am, if not moreso, because she's sure a lot better at making use of the opportunity in my life than I am. I'm fortunate to share a body with her.

 

All I want is to hug my tulpas, man. I only dream of dreaming of the moon too. No luna, rabbits or tulpas in my dreams, just important things like filling the cat's food bowl.

[Luminesce]

Nothing to say. Which is a bad thing in this thread.

 

We've known about this song (listening to the full album) for a long time now, but only recently I've started to really like 3:28 forwards, ie the part where it actually sounds like Flandre's theme. It just sounds happy, and I like happy Flan. Last time I heard it I actually wanted to put it on our ipod before I realized how boring the first three minutes were.

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLo1TT_Ql4k

[Luminesce]

Vos is making fun of me for complaining about being unproductive, so I'll do the most productive thing I can do and switch back with Tewi. I'm really not making any sort of progress on any front so I won't pretend like I am. This thread's standard of progress that is, which is actually trying at all, not necessarily making actual progress. Trying seems to be what I'm worst at.

[Tewi]

Lumi remembered some dreams, but I'd say that was more residual dream recall ability than active effort on his part. He didn't make an effort to go back through his dreams until his last dream before he got up, because it had Tewi in it. Just the Touhou Tewi, but I guess any Touhou character's a welcome sight in his dreams. Anyways,

 

He doesn't have the sense of urgency that accompanies a desire like I, and likely most of humanity, do. I can tell because despite thinking about recalling his dreams (he was going to switch with me so I could do it, but I told him there was no reason he couldn't), he still went the whole night without. He just didn't real-ize it to himself. He wanted to, he meant to, but at no point did he really take any of the necessary actions. I don't know why he's like this; it seems like he's missing some key component of motivation in his mind that takes initiative on desires. It's more than just being lazy, because he can seriously care about something immediately important to him and still lack it. I'm not sure how he does anything remotely work related honestly. There might be a small, default amount of initiative he can apply to anything, but it seems to run out quite quickly.

 

I don't have those issues because I have a strong sense of self-reliance and need for competency meeting the standards I think I'm capable of. When I think I need to do something and I "don't feel like it", that sense of urgency in action kicks in telling me I need to do it anyways. Not in words but in feeling - it's motivation, plain and simple. Lucilyn accomplishes this differently, as she's good at ignoring feelings she doesn't like. When something would make her feel bad (or like something is "too much work, do not do" as Lumi often experiences), she just ignores it. Though she doesn't have the same sense of urgency for doing things she thinks need to be done like I do, so I wouldn't call her a hard worker either. She just does what needs to be done and moves on to having fun.

 

Something really strange is that all of us have some sense of commitment or obligation to our host, serving as usually a somewhat lesser motivator akin to my need for self-reliance. It's most obvious with Flandre, who isn't otherwise very different from Lumi in her mindset or way she thinks. She would normally experience the same issues with motivation that he does, except she doesn't because she feels a sense of commitment to help him, if we're talking about stuff applying to his life that needs to be done. Meaning she would study for an upcoming test (were she the one in that position somehow) with him as her motivation. Though the rest of us have other types of motivators, I'd say we all have that one.

 

But for some reason, that same sense of needing to do things for us doesn't give him motivation. He'll feel the same desire to spend time with us, work on imposition or visualization, or put effort towards lucid dreaming and dream recall.. but he still doesn't. He'll beat himself up over it and even occasionally get depressed due to his inability to overcome it for our sake (that's what was going on in the first post of this page - it happens every long once in a while). It went so far as to have him meaning to spend time with Reisen before he went to sleep a couple days ago, talking to her a bit and then going to sleep without much more than a bit of imposition. And everyone reading this thread should know how much he values her existence, putting it well above everything else in his life. Obviously no one plays favorites and he loves us all equally, but I think he feels like he owes her his life, added on to that love.

 

I share a body with these guys, and that alone gave me the motivation to consider them family and dedicate myself to them. I would not call the love I feel for them similar to any of the others', because I feel little need to be close to them or receive love in return. I only want to take care of them. I would honestly say that is nowhere near as strong as the love between Lumi and Flan, or him and Reisen. And yet it's enough for me to do what I do with no hesitation. So why can he so often be unable to even spend five minutes talking to one of us with such a strong motivation? Like he said, "The 'Motivation' is there, but I'm not 'Motivated' by it."

 

I have no idea. But I do plan to figure it out, because that would be my worst nightmare, unable to care about the things I care about. And he asked me for help. Although the current plan is less to "figure it out" and more to establish All Day Awareness as our natural state, because it seems to help bypass a lot of automatic behavior in favor of conscious decision.

[tulpa001]

The motivation problems you describe are extremely common amongst writer types. There are ways to get out of the habit, focus only on the next step, reimagine the problem as a form of entertainment, schedule and stick to it, but short of completely changing your personality, there is no fix, just band-aids.

 

There is no way to possibly guarantee your action unless it is an action you like taking. If it is associated with bad thoughts, you've already lost.

 

Given the extremeness of the situation, I'd look for environmental toxins, and also guess at a chemical imbalance in the brain the type which can be addressed with anti-depressants, but in either case, why are not you other guys affected? There is a problem with the pleasure centre in the brain, but it is only affecting one of you?

[Tewi]

Lumi tried to fix it through self-help/personal development things for years. Reisen was only half the equation, the other half of him overcoming his depression was all the positive and productive thinking he practiced. I would say Reisen simply gave him the motivation to practice what he had been learning about, by promising it would be worth it. In all aspects really, his mindset is much better than it used to be. But motivation never stopped being a problem entirely. I'd say that he's established that "small amount of default motivation for anything" since then. But obviously it's not enough.

 

We're still affected in a way. We don't use a different brain. But in our own unique ways of thinking, we aren't "effectively affected". I still get the feeling of not wanting to do things that he does, but I ignore them without a second thought. Lucilyn has a sort of active process of ignoring any thoughts she doesn't like. Flandre doesn't switch often but relies on him as her motivation. And Reisen does feel it too, but she's sort of.. disconnected from our thoughts while switched. Her actions are completely independent. But that's a result of her being her, I don't think it's something Lumi could "learn". The goal is for him to learn from me, and maybe Lucilyn.

 

He finally gave up after his third semester of college when he'd started having trouble going to school again and started taking an anti-depressant. Depression and anxiety run in the family and both our mother and brother are not positively affected by anything but wellbutrin, so that's what we take. We didn't think it was doing anything so maybe eight months later we upped the dosage to 450mg (if that means anything to you). While he personally didn't think it changed much, our mother thinks our mood has been better, though he thinks any change was due to our efforts to improve his mindset and not the medication. Either way we're still on it for now, a little under two years so far.

 

He never suffered from anxiety or sadness-depression per se, so we aren't interested in trying other anti-depressants. This one's apparently a better match for our symptoms, mainly because it works for family (and others didn't).

[Tewi]

All Day Awareness is difficult with how busy I've been. But, I've been very conscious of when I haven't been conscious, and that's progress to me. It's now very easy to pick out the times where I get carried away just acting and "thinking" on autopilot. And I've definitely noticed a loss of efficiency in those states no matter what I'm doing. I've been doing a ton of multitasking, and every so often I forget something I meant to do, which is perfectly reasonable and I remember soon enough. But every time, I think "If I'd stayed conscious I wouldn't have forgotten that". It's the difference in getting carried away watching videos (or browsing tulpa.info, for some of you) and starting your homework. It's the difference in running into a fight in TF2 or Overwatch or what have you repeatedly dying to the enemy versus taking a moment to think of what you should actually be doing to counter the enemy. It's the difference in getting what you mean to say across concisely and just saying whatever first comes to mind. No, it's not necessary to get you through life, but it definitely helps.

 

So again, that suits me just fine, and I'll be continuing to work on it. I think it may also be improving the autopilot/default conscious awareness too.

 

This one's our newest song. It's a perfect "Reisen" song. I think all of us enjoy ones like this, the Invisible Full Moon theme is very strongly charged with positive feelings. So some of our songs that sound nice and have that theme carry the same feeling of unconditional love as Reisen herself. It's nice. But definitely a personal thing to our system. It's just a song to you guys.

[video=youtube]

[Lucilyn]

Oo, I like that song. Finding new songs that fit us is really fun, it's so rare so it's always special.

 

I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing during the day, I reality check every so often and I stay "conscious" enough to keep myself from getting mad at Osu not having fun in a game. But I like the sleeping part better, because the dreams we have are entertaining sometimes. I did a toooon of fun stuff to..yesternighterday, so I want to have a lot of fun dreams too. I am looking forward to it.

 

One of the things I did was put together the lyrics for this song!

[hidden]Ya weni marei mire kyara hire

Jyuri yu mira kerason

 

Kire hyari yori herahe nyurahera

Nun nyura unera yuramera nii merani

 

Pa pa pappa pappa pa

 

Chopperipo shura shura fe

Nan nyurunire nifaferahi

 

Nan nyuruni renaira shuraharahi

Nyuru nire hara fe fe fe

 

Ya weni marei mire kyara hire

Jyure yu mira kerason

 

Kire yuri yori herahe nyurahera

Nun nyura unera yuramera fi mera

 

Na nire jyute mire kyara hera

Nire yu mire kerason

 

Kire hyari nuri hera nyurahera

Nun nyara unera yura mera fi merani[/hidden]

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPZz6oJi8yE

Like I spent a little over an hour finding those lyrics and then fixing the broken version someone else made to actually be right. It is really cool that we found the lyrics to a language that doesn't exist! It's Japanese gibberish that just sounds real, with a bit of English sometimes (not gibberish in that case). We know a little about Japanese so it wasn't so bad.

[Lucilyn]

Ok yesterday when I wanted to sleep in I got up anyways because I thought people were waiting for me for a friend's first 99 on Runescape party.. and they weren't and I got to be alone for three hours.. but today I will sleep in all I want. Definitely gonna help fix the sleeping schedule for Tewi, for sure.

 

Oh I had some dreams and the last one was cool, someone was having a party at an arcade/amusement park and there was food and stuff. It seems like only the realllyy late dreams are very interesting, the earlier ones are fuzzy and shallow. Also the new moon was the day before Halloween and Tewi ignored it :)

[Lucilyn]

Well I want to stay up later but my head hurts and it's killing my will to do things, even though I still want to do things. So I'm gonna go lay down. Pretty sure lie down is proper grammar but lay down sounds better to me. Anyways the goal really was just to nap but I guess if this is when I went to sleep yesterday it'll just be sleeping.. so here's this post. I'm definitely not actively doing anything sorry, if I'm supposed to be. But I am remembering dreams because they're fun, so I guess you could pretend I was doing that for "progress' sake" if you want. But really I'm just hoping for fun dreams, and also I reality check if anything weird happens. I'm not doing the awareness thing (it seriously kills my immersion which kills my fun) but I won't not reality check. Like that's gotta do something eventually, right?

 

Plus the more I remember dreams the more vivid the dreams feel (even though none of them are really "vivid" yet), and vivid dreams are always when we've had lucid dreams. Because your brain is more on so you think more. I won't make any claims ... but if I end up being the first to have a lucid dream it'll be really funny. I think it could happen.

 

Edit: Oh cool 100th post in our thread, does that mean I should try especially hard to have a lucid dream? I guess I will, whatever that means.