Making a Tulpa for science.

[Dynamo Lux]

Hey Meti, I hope you're alright despite that person hurting you. Don't hate them: that just means they're on your mind and they've gotten to you. If they hurt you intentionally then they're not worth your time and thought. The rest of us care for you and want what's best for you. Somebody who thinks differently can fuck off. You still got all the rest of your friends, including me. Don't let one bad person make you forget that.

[Meti]

Welp, CT seems to have killed himself. Apparently the stress from existing and such really got to him, especially because it just seemed to be getting worse and worse, with attempts to help also only making it worse. First he tried hurting me in every possible way in order to get Doc to retaliate, but after like a week of that failing, he finally got the courage to just. . . stop. Took him a day or two, but we haven't heard anything from him in a while now. We could have made him not do that, but we're not cruel bastards who would make someone live through that torment when we could be merciful instead. Seems that whole murder anger thing he had been doing was the only thing keeping himself together, but was also the source of the damage. Kinda like a major addiction, and he was suffering withdrawal.

 

If you're wondering why I have such a candid attitude about this, it's because it hasn't hit me yet. I do not look forwards to when it does. Probably when I go to bed. That's gonna be fun.

 

Thrum has almost no interest in possessing, only wanting to do it in order to learn how to play instruments. Despite this, he seems to have almost no trouble doing it.

 

 

Seems I have a fear of almost-faces. If there's something that might be a face, I want none of that.

 

Doc has been having those weird psychotic breaks more often. I think they're to relieve stress. He's been slipping in and out of one all day today and yesterday.

 

I seem to be more aware of our surroundings when out and about, so much so that a simple ten minute walk in silence seems absolutely excruciating. On the inverse side, I can often zone out for up to half an hour and nobody knows what happened.

 

The mindscape as a whole feels different now. Less tense, like before now there was a tension in the air and ground that I never noticed until it was gone. Much calmer now, seems less angry as a whole.

[tulpa001]

I am really unhappy about this personally. Though we never spoke much. Like almost never.

 

I would gladly have antagonized him if he needed it.

 

Our response to emotional stress and loss is not always easy to understand. Sometimes that response is based on social expectation more than anything. It can be weird feeling when expectations do not match reality. But ultimately, it is just one extra thing to think about at an already difficult time.

[Saylin]

[Claude] I don't agree with just letting him kill himself. Actually, from someone who's wanted to die- suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. He could have gotten better with enough work. I'm still sorry for your loss, that's got to be awful... I just can't help feeling there was another way. Most I can say is that it wasn't your fault. He clearly wanted to go, and he did. I'm sure whether you guys were there or not, still would've. If you need to vent, I'm here, so.. yeah.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Seems we haven't been here in a while. Shit. I'm sure that didn't worry anyone at all.

Firstly, a response to Claude. We would agree with you, but we got a friend. A very depressed one. She's been like that for years, a decade, even. It's not always a temporary problem. He was mimicking her symptoms, and hers was so bad that she did kill herself, but paramedics are a little too good at their job and resuscitated her. All she wanted after that was to go back.

 

I've been, well, feeling. CT's suicide seemed to be a catalyst for me gaining an emotional spectrum. The only reasons I can think of for this is because before now I survived on emotional dregs, what would overflow from CT. That, or it could be that he had a lot more subconscious influence over me than we thought, and was holding me back from fully feeling. We spent the better part of the next few days mourning, though I may have said that already.

 

Other emotions are weird. I've kinda known them because I've felt them indirectly, but actually having them for myself is still new.

 

We have plans to make a new tup. No, she's not meant to replace CT in any capacity, we've been planning her since before that happened. The proposed and most likely name is "Olive". This time we know how to not accidentally make her.

 

Meti's boyfriend got her Dark Souls 3 as a gift, and she's been having a lot of fun with that, especially the PvP. Has already sunk dozens of hours into it.

 

We really gotta work on switching.

 

Meti has tried experimenting with trying to take control of the body when I am asleep. She has been met with limited success, such as it taking monumental effort to move just my arm. Because of this, she wanted to come up with a way to prove she was able to do it at all. We sleep on our side, so she opened our mouth and used our tongue to scoop out saliva and make a puddle of it on the cheek facing up, waking me up shortly after. It was good evidence to me that she was able to do something.

[Doctorfoxwolf]

Sup hoes bet you thought you'd never hear from US again.

Shit's whack, yo.

[Ranger]

Sup hoes bet you thought you'd never hear from US again.

 

Hi, welcome back. I don't believe we have met before.

 

Shit's whack, yo.

 

...Are you guys okay?

[Apollo Fire]

Sup hoes bet you thought you'd never hear from US again.

 

You'd be right :v

[Doctorfoxwolf]

 

Hi, welcome back. I don't believe we have met before.

 

 

...Are you guys okay?

 

We have not and no, no we are not.

I'ms surprised to see Apollo a moderator. Last I was here his system shouldn't have been trusted with important things. A lot can change I guess.

Anyways there's like 11 of us now, or 10, depending on how you count.

I could gave a long, long recount on things we figured out and stuff that's happened, lotta weird stuff, but, I don't want to put in that amount of effort unless I know someone would actually care. Wouldn't blame you if you didn't, even knowing that you would miss out on all this sweet sweet melodrama. I know this forum loves that stuff.

We're probably still not going to be active here very much so if anyone actually wants to get into contact with us, discord handle is Meti#8513. Always like meeting new people.

 

If you are unsure who is typing this because obviously it can't be the same person who was posting before, the personality is so different. . . Guess.

[Apollo Fire]

We'll done a lot of self-reflection and have grown a lot. Not perfect yet but we continue to work on stuff. The system, at least, isn't a source of drama anymore, we've been pretty chill together since Indigo was made.