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Fictives, servitors, neither? Confused system.


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I'm not entirely sure how to start this, but here goes. Hi! I'm a mixed-origin system of 8. Though, I'm questioning now if I'm more.

A few months ago or so, I started questioning if I was otherkin (not what this topic is about, just some background). My youngest headmate was interacting with a group/community online with people like her and many of them identified as otherkin/fictionkin/etc. It did seem really similar to unexplained reasons why we felt so connected to a few characters and not others (as well as characters from their shows/games, but in a friend way).

I decided to go into in my own sort of way try and use these connections during meditation to help with relaxation, anti-anxiety, and helping me sleep. I'd imagine myself falling into the character and seeing the world they live in and mess around with it. Since I felt so close to them or related to them in some way, it was comforting to really feel like them. Like putting on a costume and melding with it. I have a pretty good grasp on mental visualization, so it wasn't too hard.

The two I've done with a fair amount of detail so far is being Isabelle (ACNL) and FlowerFrisk (Flowerfell). The one I've thought about going more into detail lately is Chise from The Ancient Magus' Bride. All characters I have a strong connection to as well as at least one character in it and the world they live in.

(Yes, I know. And I know the rest of this may sound odd or weird, too. Please don't make any unnecessary comments on it).

 

That's when characters relevant to those worlds came into play?

 

I think the first one was when I was getting comfortable in this sort of sub-type wonderland area, almost like a simulation in a simulation, that was made up as an area from Undertale. I was also doing this to help sharpen my headspace senses. I tried to feel the flowers around my feet, hear any water streams, if any echos of other noises were bouncing around, if I saw anything special, things like that. I don't remember when it happened, but I remembered what I think is Underfell Sans walk in and talk to me calmly. He didn't act like what little I know about that character, but I guess more like the original? He was very warm and inviting, possibly from me trying to do this to calm any nervousness I had at the time.

 

He smiled and we talked a bit and sat down next to each other on a bench. I asked him if he was some kind of walk in or some sort of mental program, like all of this was a meditative simulation I was running. He said it leaned far more towards simulation. Since experiencing more simulations like that, if I asked about if he's sure this is okay and that I'm not limiting him. He'd sometimes break 'character' of sorts and say "we" don't mind, as in all of the characters in the meditations that I've spent time with. Example: "We love you, we care a lot about helping you out and we think of you like family. This is what we want to do, and we'll be sure to let you know if we ever want to progress past this. Don't worry or be scared about thinking you're hurting us. If anything says we're upset with you or you're hurting us, it's just intrusive thoughts."

 

He says this, but I still worry sometimes that while he says this is like a mental program, and he/they/it does feel and care for me, and want to help me, that I'm somehow making them say and do these things against their will. I don't fully think this is the case, but the idea scares me. I've been a system for somewhere around 8 years so I can tell it's not entirely me, but I just don't know really what this and what's going on, not that I mind it. Is this what I've heard called a type of servitor before? Or maybe a type of fictive that can change forms for the 'simulations'?... Are there mental 

'programs' actually like this? Maybe I just have not-fully-developed fictives?

The most developed one by far is Sans, but another one I've spent time with is Amelia from ACNL when meditating as Isabelle. She had a different type of personality of course, but was the exact same type of comforting and "We're more than okay with this" sayings. Almost like a conscious or semi-conscious mental program that has some sort of protective/caring drive...? Like an AI you can put different scenarios into?

 

I didn't intentionally create any of it, so I sadly don't have any answers... While I don't feel the need to say it for the any of the others so far, I sort of feel a draw to call Sans' simulation 'character' a fictive. He never seems to leave or want to leave the simulations and just seems happy whenever I show up there. I'd feel a little odd having him hang around in our main house in headspace, but he I think can talk to me during high moments of stress or fear to help talk me through it (just like in the simulations). I just haven't needed it much and have only tested it once or twice outside of it.

 

I'm sorry for how long and tangled all of this is, I just don't really know what's going on?... My 'subconscious' (possibly) before has done things completely out of control before that changed things in my headspace drastically (like when I was 17 or so changed a toxic headmate and overtime without us knowing into a headmate that now, while sassy, fits in perfect with our family.

So... Who knows? ^^"

Thank you for reading if you decided to take the time to do so!! <3 Note: I don't feel any sense of hurt/uncomfortably from anyone but me about this and that's just my hesitation. I'm more asking if anyone has this sort of "conscious AI" sort of situation happen before?

Nee, Star, Little, Tenebre, Lorina


 

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