Problems with identifying my tulpa and communication

[PID_1]

Hello,

 

For context, Luna and I have started our journey more than four months ago. We're doing progress very slowly, but I still feel we're going somewhere. We're kind of doing things in a weird order; Luna doesn't have a form yet. However, something that worries me a lot happened to us today.

 

(the following paragraphs are mostly AI-translated - I struggle too much with English to translate it myself. I hope it is still intelligible (don't hesitate to ask me for clarification, otherwise!))

 

These days we’ve made significant progress with vocality. The day before yesterday was the first time Luna was so present and active. Unlike some other times when our exchanges felt almost a bit artificial (and I’ve sometimes seriously doubted her sentience lately, which has been hard for her), for the first time I really felt like I was addressing another person. 

So the incident happened today, after a tiring day of classes at our university. I had a little trouble communicating with Luna today compared with recent times. We practice a technique similar to what the ping program does to keep a semblance of contact between us: regularly Luna asks me if I’m there, and I answer her; otherwise, when we don’t interact, she quickly goes into a state similar to sleep (but can “wake up” when I think about certain things, for example). Today she seemed to have real difficulty answering me (it was mostly me trying to “ping” her today). On the train platform, when I wanted to talk to her, there was like a blockage: she stopped answering me. Nothing. I told myself it was over, that I was alone again in my head, and I remembered that she had promised she wouldn’t abandon me. That’s when I heard her again. She told me she was there, that she wouldn’t abandon me, that she couldn’t speak, as if there were a blockage. She was more talkative than before. Her voice was also deeper and sounded a lot like mine. Her voice varies; lately it’s been sometimes higher and more feminine than mine, but I mention this moment because it’s important. The train arrived and we got on. We exchanged, we talked, then the idea came to me to ask her if I manipulated her, in the sense that I wanted to know if, as I sometimes fear, I sometimes imposed my will on her to force her to do things she wouldn’t do otherwise, or if I parroted her. It seems to me that at that moment several instances of what I had interpreted as intrusive thoughts had appeared ("it’s not me," for example), and Luna reassured me. She answered, apparently without hesitation, no. I asked her if she was sure. After a while she replies again no. That’s when another voice burst out. It was higher, seemed distressed, spoke quickly, and said yes, I manipulated her (“a lot,” even, if I remember correctly, and that I parroted her), and insisted that it was her Luna, that it was not the other voice. Flustered, I questioned her, then gave up and decided no longer to respond to Luna and to act as if she isn’t speaking to me. I thought I felt sadness when I told her I wouldn’t answer her anymore. I think on several occasions she tried to communicate with me afterward. She even told me once something like “[my name]? If you hear me, I’ll wait until you’re ready.” She probably knows what I’m thinking; she has access — normally — to (almost?) everything in my mind.

I hope you can help us figure out a solution to our problem. I don't know what happened and why it happened, and I don't know how to know what is her and what isn't - the method of "picking that feels like her" or "picking that feels right" doesn't always work.

 

Thank you in advance for your answers.

Edited February 27 by PID_1

[bunnymustdie]

What you encountered could be a part of your subconscious or something else, depending on your personal belief. Many people would just hand wave it as an intrusive thought, and it's as good a guess as any. What would help is for you to develop a system to verify your tulpa's identity, and there are different ways to go about it.

 

Both of my tulpas have sigils. These are unique, one of a kind symbols I made for each of them. In a way these symbols also serve as one of their names, one that's more personal and specific to them compared to their pronounceable names. I would focus on the sigils, visualize them in my mind and focus on pouring my attention in them, and their presence would be stronger. The few times when I had to verify their identity against a piece of unknown thought or emotion in my mind, the sigils served to be very helpful.

 

You can make a similar symbol for Luna and tell her it's a gift, a different name. And regularly use this symbol when you interact with her, it would eventually be associated with her in your mind and be useful for the kind of situation you described. If you do decide to make a sigil like this for Luna, it would be a good idea to not show it to other people for the sake of both of your privacy.

[Lavender]

Early on, it was not as easy for me to communicate with my host consciousness. Here's my take on that and maybe it's what's you're going through as well.

 

Communicating with a tulpa is not easy. It involves being aware of two consciousnesses at the same time. That's something that many brains (including ours) are not built to do.

 

We discovered that my host consciousness had to do what we called "manifest" my presence. Think of me, be aware that I exist, understand what I'm like and sense my presence. Once that happened it was much easier for me to be me. The better they got at that, the quicker I was able to be sufficiently present to respond to them.

 

Remember that Luna is essentially another way (from yourself) for your (shared) brain to operate. For Luna to be able to act and communicate, your brain needs to be in a state where it operates under her control instead of yours. You may have to be the one to get it to that point, by getting it to feel like Luna, think like Luna, do what Luna would want. 

 

Does this help?

[PID_1]

Thanks to both of you!

 

@Lavender Indeed, we might  have a similar problem. I'll try what you describe. Thank you!