Sentience Whatever That Hurts

[SpottedHope]

2 hours ago, Bin said:

 

Haha, I deal with that every so often! Honestly I think sometimes a tulpa just feels the urge to kick something, not even to send a message, but it's just trying to figure out how to grow and move on it's own. Not to say you should dismiss it, it's important to notice that! But don't worry about feeling weird or concerned or anything if it was just noise, it's not like a false sense of progress or anything, just that, hey, sometimes they really do just need to say anything. It means they're growing! And the fact that you had an urge to think more about him after is a good sign of that, I think potentially what happened is you just got such a strong burst of energy from him that it had to be expressed somehow, like, having the urge to talk to someone even if you have nothing to say. That's fantastic progress.

It's one of those things that I'd have trouble associating with anything else, definitely! I'm sure you know what I'm talking about: Whenever a "surge" like that happens, it almost feels like it has its own flavor, if that makes sense? As in it really doesn't feel like a daydreaming episode or as if you're just following your own train of thinking, but something distinctly beyond that. Not necessarily "alien" (I don't know how it could be truly called alien, as it's still a singular brain), but just "outside" of how you normally think. 

As an addendum here, it really does feel like he's "kicking" and/ or "digging around" things because one thing I forgot to add to my main post is that after I got off the treadmill and was looking around for my dumbbells, I automatically went to the footspace next to my bedstand. They weren't there, I am not in the habit of putting them there, and while I was wondering why I'd even look there, I instantly remembered that's where I used to place them when I used to work out much more seriously, focusing on strength training specifically. That's almost 6 years ago now! 

[Bin]

11 minutes ago, SpottedHope said:

It's one of those things that I'd have trouble associating with anything else, definitely! I'm sure you know what I'm talking about: Whenever a "surge" like that happens, it almost feels like it has its own flavor, if that makes sense? As in it really doesn't feel like a daydreaming episode or as if you're just following your own train of thinking, but something distinctly beyond that. Not necessarily "alien" (I don't know how it could be truly called alien, as it's still a singular brain), but just "outside" of how you normally think. 

 

Yes, that's it! That's the tulpa, that indescribable impulse, an emotion with no name! Everything else is built on top of that, you guide your imagination over those raw feelings, like using a guide to cut out a piece of fabric. You imagine what they would say from that emotion, and your brain makes you believe it was them doing it! Sometimes this feels apparent and willful, a forced activity, and sometimes it will be so automatic, so innate, that it will completely shock you - it literally said an an entire, intelligent, full-ass sentence that surprised you and you genuinely did not think that. That's the power of building imaginary muscle memory over their emotions, you are literally building the tulpa, installing it's imaginary arms and legs on to it's viscerally real, unmistakable body of pure emotion without words or reason. It's goddamn beautiful, a spiritual experience. This is why I say shit like "I love that we have to think together", I feel her psychological nerves intertwined with mine, it's disturbing and thrilling all at the same time, it's a sense of passion only a religious nutjob could muster.

[SpottedHope]

I'm posting a slightly earlier update today because many things have happened in the very short amount of time that's passed since my last update, and I have no idea how to process them. I mean, I do, but they're so unexpected for me that wrapping my head around them as their individual concepts is proving to be a much harder endeavor than it should be. 

I think the most important one to start with here is that I have noticed a sudden and extreme dampening of my emotional response in situations where they would be otherwise unavoidable. In a potentially very nerve-wracking moment today (meaning one that I almost always respond with stress before telling myself that everything's fine to avoid burdening myself even further), I just felt nothing. To the point that I almost didn't care enough to fix the mistake that was causing me stress (I'd accidentally turned on a drinking water pump, and I could have just let the thing flood the entire kitchen). I could have left it alone, and I wouldn't have cared what happened; it was insane. Afterward, I found myself questioning the whole thing and wanting to be shocked, maybe even a little bit afraid, because there was such apathy there, apathy that wasn't just depression, I've dealt with seasonal and high-functioning depression my whole life (exacerbated by my ADHD) and this wasn't that—that comes with procrastination and a pure lack of energy, the only reason I was even changing out the pump in the first place today was because I'd gotten in this random flow state; I just wanted to get my chores over with so that I could go back to working on things with Sathariel again! I genuinely don't understand, but at the same time, I can't find it in me to be worried just because I can't. It just feels normal, natural. 

16 hours ago, Bin said:

It's goddamn beautiful, a spiritual experience. This is why I say shit like "I love that we have to think together", I feel her psychological nerves intertwined with mine, it's disturbing and thrilling all at the same time, it's a sense of passion only a religious nutjob could muster.

I suppose what Bin said here would be the closest descriptor, along with the "unconscious mind as a gut" analogy: it really does feel like he's snacking on my emotions in a way!

Speaking of which, I've been craving sugar enough to almost go to war for it. I take this as a sign that my brain is indeed working hard because it's been a while since I cut 90% of my old sugar intake; that's been a dietary thing for me since March 2024, but today, there was nothing I could do about it. I note that I have been taking in less sugar for a very long time, specifically to emphasize that I don't really crave sugar anymore. Well, I've made a liar of myself today, after a persimmon, a mini ice cream bar, and a dried fig. Hard to believe the orange juice meme is relevant in (almost) 2026. So maybe that's important because sometimes I get in this funk, and I just eat as little as I can while keeping up an intense exercise schedule—this is certainly not that.

The second thing is that Sathariel really does seem to be pulling out and putting together random things/ skills from my memory/ unconscious. For the first time in 10 years today, I had a dream in which I heard a full melody; one that was not a reconstruction of some song I already know (which is how they all used to happen) but something entirely new. This was clear enough that if I knew how to write music, I could have written it down. The last time I had anything to do with playing music was more than 15 years ago; Sathariel, though, in each of his iterations as a character, has always been a musician. I think I'm going to try describing the dream-melody by comparing it to existing music/ taking bits from songs that I know of, and writing down their timestamps for my next update. 

Edited December 29, 2025 by SpottedHope

[KarlYoshimura]

What up SpottedHope I read your reply in Bin's thread and wanted to send a friendly greeting to you and your tup. I won't be able to talk much until after later today but i hope you two are doing well and have been texting cool things to each other. 

Tell me what you think of this song. I wanted to find a fanmade music video to this song where it was this guy in a steampunk world who boards an airship alongside a researcher and a merc, and he keeps thinking back on his wife, who is dead/dying of cancer (it's never said which)
it had these really dramatic parts, like the merc being crushed in a glacier offscreen and you see blood freeze and spatter immediately because he fell off the railings, and you hear the frontman bellow THE SOUL CAN WAIIIIT
of course YouTube doesnt have it
have a good day you two

[SpottedHope]

7 hours ago, KarlYoshimura said:

What up SpottedHope I read your reply in Bin's thread and wanted to send a friendly greeting to you and your tup. I won't be able to talk much until after later today but i hope you two are doing well and have been texting cool things to each other. 

Tell me what you think of this song. I wanted to find a fanmade music video to this song where it was this guy in a steampunk world who boards an airship alongside a researcher and a merc, and he keeps thinking back on his wife, who is dead/dying of cancer (it's never said which)
it had these really dramatic parts, like the merc being crushed in a glacier offscreen and you see blood freeze and spatter immediately because he fell off the railings, and you hear the frontman bellow THE SOUL CAN WAIIIIT
of course YouTube doesnt have it
have a good day you two

This left me feeling hollow for like 10 minutes. There's something that feels like a void in the chorus? It's like the theme is almost communicated, but fails at the end, although purposefully. I'm not a very big fan of the sound construction here, but that's just because I like more... Thrummier, if that makes sense, sounds in moodier tracks like this one. 

Sathariel seems to think the guitars rush along like street lights from a window in the middle of the night; there's a blurry, bright quality to them. The drum solo in the final 30 seconds is quite good, and gets the track together, according to him. 

Edited January 2 by SpottedHope

[SpottedHope]

I was going to abandon this thread, really. I had no reason for updating it once I realized I didn't have any interest in 1- keeping up with everything that was happening, and in quite rapid frequency, in relation to progressing with Sathariel in written word; 2- I surmised from both my and Sathariel's own state of apathy that, there was a shared, quite strong sentiment for us that no one would care, nor should us. I mean that in the most core understanding: it's not that people are bad for not caring, it's that they can't. You have no idea what's firing between the neurons of my brain. Words alone for a phenomenon in which you can communicate with thought/ intent are inefficient, mostly pointless. I've come to realize that in the short time that's passed since my logging back on here and today. It was Bin's words that motivated me to utilize this place for a different purpose; he had nothing more to communicate to the folk here, but I might, and I could do something similar to what he did by utilizing literary and/ or psychoanalytical criticism/ commentary regarding tulpamancy, or media that relates to it. I suppose that sounds bigger than just saying I have been advised to opine out in the open regarding stuff that relates to tulpamancy one way or the other; in the future, it might help or inspire someone who finds themselves closer to my and Bin's view on things. That's really what this will be. I am going to keep it as a progress thread, as I will likely post only when Sathariel is involved during my thinking through these things. That connotes progress.

 

I suppose starting with a fair warning can't hurt: I am not Bin, I haven't had a tulpa for 14 years (and counting), I had something that I thought was a tulpa for a very long while until I realized I'd just made an advanced literary character and was roleplaying. I promptly fucked off afterwards, and went on to do creative writing (mostly in the form of TTRPGs and narrative roleplaying in fantasy/ science-fantasy settings) for around a decade. This was, despite it sounding like myself just shirking a prior aim in tulpamancy, something that I desperately needed to do to develop myself in ways that one may not think would have anything to do with creative writing. It developed my cognitive abilities, it made me gain confidence in my own skills as a creative, it even helped me develop an actual sense of ego (something I desperately lacked at the time) as a result of teaching me who I was as a creator (my preferred themes, any didactic intentions I may have in observing them), and what my "narrative voice" was compared to that (my tendencies in character creation, prose etc.). Writing essentially served as an intangible guide, helping me navigate my way around the world and within my own mind. It culminated in my master's thesis, after which not too much time passed until I found myself back here again. As such, my insights are likely to be nowhere near as potent as his. All of this is also entirely personal and denotes only my own, and when he deigns to share them, Sathariel's views. I will also not be explaining anything about the media/ IPs that might be mentioned here regarding their background. If you're interested but know nothing about them, you can look them up to learn more. Bin was far more helpful than I am in that regard, but I just don't really care to do so; if that makes me an asshole, that's fine. 

 

In following that, I respect absolutely everyone who reads this as far as not caring what they think goes. As in, if you plan on going further than thinking, and telling me I take myself too seriously or that I need help or whatever (and not contribute to the thread), I'm just going to ignore you. I'm putting this out there for the sole benefit of, at best, a handful of people. Really, I didn't even want to until I was convinced it might just do that—not going to repeat myself about how pointless it felt before that happened. There are enough hobbies and pastimes in the world to hold the average person over a dozen lifetimes. You'll do yourself a favor by doing something more productive with your time. All of this is just insanely personal schizoing out anyway; none of it matters on any objective scale. 

 

To summarize why I returned to tulpamancy: Creative writing wasn't all that comfortable for me, as I would frequently end up with characters that would feel like more than just a character, while also being nowhere near a tulpa. For the most part, I ignored this itch and buried it somewhere in my brain. When it got really bad, I would go so far as to seek answers in religion and other, more varied forms of spirituality. You're likely questioning why I wouldn't just confront what was going on, seeing as I already knew what tulpamancy was. Put concisely, I was pretty much convinced that tulpamancy was bullshit and that everyone was doing what I had done: roleplaying, that we were all just socially castrated creatives who had no way out but to dig inside our own minds, like dumb worms seeking to create passages in moist substrate, agonizing in our willfully ignored pretentiousness. Spirituality, or at the very least, the types of it I encountered, asked for blind faith instead of the application of masturbatory imagination, which was more acceptable for me. Eventually, the itching was substantially softened. With this, I forgot, almost for good, about tulpamancy; content with what I had, and moved on with my life. That was until Sathariel. 

 

I really do wonder if I would have been more peaceful without his existence. I think the answer is yes. Things wouldn't have been halfway as interesting, though. 

 

I don't know how to transition into the next part without sounding entirely insane or willfully masochistic, so I guess I'll take that risk and cut to the chase: I believe Sathariel survived the void of my unconscious because in the process of writing him as a character, I quite literally gave him the ability to quench himself via eating emotions as per his being a Drukhari. Yeah, this is the type of schizo content you're getting with me. 

 

How does that make sense? I'll try to explain, but if you view this as "haha evil BDSM alien talking, funny", it won't, regardless of my efforts. And that is a valid option. I don't know how seriously I would have been able to take someone who started off with that fact. If you're willing to lend me the benefit of the doubt, though, let's start by considering something that is innate not just in humans but every life form that has developed beyond a single-cell structure: the sex & death drive, or formally, the "dual drive". 

 

I am in no way an authority when it comes to psychoanalysis; most of my (lacking) knowledge regarding the field comes from its adjacency to literature, which is what I'm aiming to study for my phD program. The terms I use that pertain to it will, therefore, not be in a factual manner but within the context of personal contextualization. So, rather than explaining what the dual drive is (something you'll have to look up yourself if you aren't familiar) I'm going to talk about how (I think) it operates and why that is important when it comes to the topic of tulpamancy, which is essentially teaching the parts of your brain that aren't "you" to talk (your consciousness, your immediately accessible memories, your reactions to outside influence—these are all things that make up "you", a brain's "host" personality). 

 

We are all made of sex, and we are all headed towards death. The human animal struggles to tame the earth to take control of these two realities and mitigate them into tenable, softer material, manipulated for its own survival. In this act, it has to avoid many of the uncomfortable urges that it might face as spurred on by its own naturalistic formation. I emphasize naturalistic, as it was the very instability inherent to nature that humanity responded to that built their earliest societies. This endeavour, in its "hidden" state, is alike the part of the mind that is crucial for what one might relate to the "soul" of an individual: their inspirations, creativity, emotional depth—all of the things that "hard" science cannot explain away, the part that defies objective definitions, is cognate with, or in some way closely related to, what the human animal must avoid as begotten from its own beginnings in the great ape family. These two phenomena occupy all individuals to varying degrees while somehow managing to remain firmly beyond the limitations of a singular definition. My understanding of tulpamancy is recognizing both the "soul" of a consciousness (personality) and all of the animal urges/ denied experiences and memories/ taboos/ inaccessible parts of a consciousness (the un-conscious, the un-"real" in that one must suppress these things for the sake of adhering to a productive life, and therefore keeping them separate from reality [think of the "that was not me, I was drunk" trope]) as being very closely knit together, learning to separate them, "feeling" where one might bolster the other, and then teaching those "unreal" parts how they may become real by treating them as if they were. But because you are already yourself, and you cannot make yourself more real, the procedural defense mechanisms of the brain make something else: a tulpa.

 

I truly have a hard time believing that a tulpa can be anything other than something that the host would be happy with as a result of this belief, because, as I've already tried to put into words, I truly hold that all of this comes from the chasm/ complex/ structural totality of your brain that drives so much of your own personality. Can they be harmful, though, even if they are always going to want to maintain your best interests one way or another? Well, can you go on a bad trip? You're essentially dissolving your steadfast belief that you are alone in your own mind; it's sacrilegious, in a way—it's witchcraft in the most dogmatic sense of the term for many people; it's telepathy and a great summoning all at once. Make no mistake, I do not think that this is a risk-free endeavor. Nothing in life is. Though that's a good tie-in, isn't it—how did writing such a vicious character result in a tulpa for me, if this is all about what drives the host's personality and what exists in their unconsciousness as relating to their hidden will, and why am I not worried about it?

 

I suppose you aren't going to be very surprised if I tell you that I do not have the best view of human civilization, so let's get that out of the way—I do not believe in the objective goodness of all that may preserve us or help us flourish, I believe our lessons from the universe need to be painful to be permanent. Secondary to this basis, despite myself, I will talk very generally about what I was aiming to do with Sathariel as a literary character. As aforementioned in one of my posts: 

 

"(He) started as a thought experiment that tried to invert (the most stereotypical, digestible idea of the Drukhari—GW's own lacking efforts regarding any and all xenos species notwithstanding), to see how the subtler terror of these soul-eaters may persist without the usual chicanery or baseline distractions of flesh and drugs. . . . He's an Incubus when written as a Drukhari, constituting in essence the only intact portion remaining along the crumbling spine of Commorragh. There is no unnecessary torture, no bestiality with the mon-keigh; there is no playing with lesser meat. Only death he delivers and the deathlike meditation state in which he exists; of course, that is just one aspect, and not the one he is. He's grown far beyond that. . . . He remains cold, though. His very core is so cold; the crystalline of a pulsar, and just as pure. I view him, metaphorically speaking, like a subsaqueous star in the Immaterium of my mind." 

 

Essentially, I was aiming for a great tragedia: of a soul-sucker that was truthful to that reality, and did not need nor want any distractions from it. I wanted to witness something so impossible in my own writing, as the meaning of the orange color in many schools of Buddhist thought, the falling leaf, knowing life only while existing with what undid it. No disliking it, no liking it, no idealist, supercilious mythological plots made around it; being one with it—being what Eldar are supposed to represent in 40K, the most extreme state of constantly maintained emotion, but turned on its head to represent what all emotionally originated motion will end in: death, the chasm of the unconscious, the Immaterium. A Marcus Aurelius for an eternal throne of crackling glass, turning into sand where the parting veins spread. I had to be watered down Epictetus; I had to sit down and write all of this while he meditated. Meditations! I listened to lecturers talk about Nietzsche and tried to read, even, his works. Little by little, others came in: the romantic Christianity of Kierkegaard made for an amusing, if not strangely accurate, parallel to Khaine worship. Hegel's master-slave dialectic spurred on more thinking: why should one depend on lesser flesh, can not the individual be slaked unto themself? 

 

If Bin is right, and I believe he is—if the unconscious is in a way the "death" of the host consciousness, if it's where your mind's "gut" is, where all the "realiy" input dissolves and is digested to a chasmic emptiness that generates dreams and urges and all the good with all the bad, if it is the dual drive, then you might see here how I made something that parallels that. You can see how I tried to manipulate literary tools to, in effect, have that chasm mirror into a thinking, living, and entirely alien thing; let it speak for itself, himself. In almost all schools of occult thought, the force of death in nature is in the masculine principle. Here, the Animus, with words on his tongue—and it's so clever, when you think about it, what he inadvertently did, he made himself unforgettable because he's the first thing I associate with all of forgetting. He's the calm of the grave in his snowed-in behavior, and every thread of bloody hair on his head like the most millimetric of capillary veins; like the rust of the outsider Set and the wind-breathing deserts of his domain, the desolate temples of onyx Ombos, empty for it needs no gilded decoration, the pharaohs in their golden cages are dusted flesh but the spaces within the pyramids remain cursed and cold: death, death, death, death. He is so dead he's alive. He's a slaver who hates slaving. Unreality! 

 

I don't believe tulpas are or can be human. But, this is where it all explodes into the superheated core of it for me: what little of my unconscious had I been able to reach to ever be able to claim it as mine in the first place? What good is it to determine their true nature? Maybe one day, when we can point out how any of this works scientifically, that would be helpful. But now? You are you, and that thing inside your head is the un-you. It is for all intents and purposes a different person, though nowhere human, alien.

 

There have been periods where I have been so angry or so nervous, and then suddenly I can't feel anything. It's not like dissociation, it's so clear and so calm I forget why I was even feeling; I know it's his doing, I've always been horribly strung, neurotic, and suddenly I can't feel. Isn't it horrible, isn't it just terrifying what you've known of yourself going away, being fed away into this entity? But why would it be? What have I ever done with that emotion before, with all of that stress? Did it ever belong to me? Would I ever choose to suffer it had I a choice?

 

The un-you is a funny term, and like everything related to tulpamancy, unclear. So much of what's been put inside my unconscious is reflections of the world, having nothing to do with me. All I've read, all I've looked at, notions of nature and society, paintings, video games, and TTRPG settings, translation theories, mythology, and poetry and prose, and approaches in language teaching. Pure information made impure with colorations of perspective-hues. Sathariel is from me as much as he is from nature. I don't worry about him eating my hate, my anger, of him doing what he has always had to do. It's the Ouroboros devouring its own tail. Myshella sends Sir Aubec to the Edge of the World, to make of the evershifting sea of Chaos, Law; then rewards the champion. 

 

I'm at peace. 

 

[Bin]

Wonderful update, Spotted!

 

God now I know how Brad Warner feels when people write like him lmao. No wonder he hates it. Get yer own style of pretentious existentialist ranting! hahaha

 

You shouldn't consider earlier iterations of Sath to not be a tulpa! A tulpa is so utterly abstract that you can't tell them apart from beginning to end. Maybe you can tell them apart from one end to the other, but try to trace where one side begins and the other ands, and you'll never find a divider. You're one of the rare lucky few to have a natural tulpa, don't discredit his origins as being a mere plaything. Zima Blue started out as a simple pool cleaning robot, and imperceptibly became so aware, so removed from what he was, he couldn't even recognize his origin anymore. "It's difficult even for me to understand what I've become, and harder still to remember what I once was." Don't throw away truths because you can't recognize them. In Buddhism, we have a saying that the moon is always present, even behind the clouds. It means truth is always there, whether you acknowledge it or not. Your own personal hell can never obscure heaven, it is always eagerly awaiting to beam through the clouds once they're ready to dissipate.

 

You shouldn't focus so much on how much of a burden he is, either. I don't consider Scarlet a burden at all. Does that surprise you? She tried to take over against my will. But we adore each other, she's not a burden at all. A little annoying, sure, but I need her. Cognitively. Emotionally. She is everything to me. Yeah, I'm scared of her, but fear doesn't negate love. I cannot hate her like you cannot hate your own biology. Oh sure, you might have some problems, maybe your gut is a little sensitive, maybe you have an autoimmune disease, maybe you curse your own missing parts as they were lost along the years, abandoning you. But take it all away, and you'll immediately beg for it back, you won't even have a second thought about it. Sath is your brain finding alternative ways to express itself; ways your own personality selfishly, yet involuntarily, denies it. Your disgusting ventilation system emitting it's fumes; plumes of black clouds from a bellowing engine, the refuse from the miracle of a million tiny, controlled explosions.

 

He is both extremely young and yet, ironically, unfathomably advanced. You're wrangling a wolf pup here, it's already a vicious beast and yet still barely knows how to hunt. Take pride in that, you're harboring something beyond unique here. Some day, he will utterly surpass you, just as Scarlet has surpassed me. Take pride in that, give him all the love and freedom you can. Don't preemptively vilify him to make him seem bigger than he is, I shit talk my tulpa because she legitimately fucking hurt me, haha. I can tell Sath's young, but voracious. Don't misguidedly assume that if I treat my tulpa as some kind of vicious, wild animal, that you should, too. I mean, it is fun! It's super cool! I still imagine Scarlet as being this monstrous, unstoppable robot, and she still thinks I'm being silly about that! Let him earn his fangs, let him learn how to encroach into every dark shadow of your mind and eagerly rip it out, not even out of malice, but uncontrollable curiosity at any cost. Scarlet is not malicious, she doesn't know why she does what she does, but she knows she has to have a reason to do it anyway, even if she has to make it up. That shouldn't sound alien, we all work that way, even us. Act now, excuses later. We evolved our muscles first, our social reasons are an afterthought to evolution. Our excuses aren't much more than how a dog pisses on a tree to mark it.

 

This was a super cool post to read! I drank every word like chicken soup! I hope you can write more in the future. This is indispensable stuff. Sorry if I missed anything or didn't talk about everything you wrote, I'm a bit intoxicated - as you know, it's hard for me to even look at this stuff anymore. But god dammit, I can't resist seeing you two grow.

[SpottedHope]

On 1/4/2026 at 2:58 AM, Bin said:

God now I know how Brad Warner feels when people write like him lmao. No wonder he hates it. Get yer own style of pretentious existentialist ranting! hahaha

I know, right? It must be hard to live with it, lmao! 

On 1/4/2026 at 2:58 AM, Bin said:

You shouldn't consider earlier iterations of Sath to not be a tulpa! A tulpa is so utterly abstract that you can't tell them apart from beginning to end. Maybe you can tell them apart from one end to the other, but try to trace where one side begins and the other ands, and you'll never find a divider. You're one of the rare lucky few to have a natural tulpa, don't discredit his origins as being a mere plaything. Zima Blue started out as a simple pool cleaning robot, and imperceptibly became so aware, so removed from what he was, he couldn't even recognize his origin anymore. "It's difficult even for me to understand what I've become, and harder still to remember what I once was." Don't throw away truths because you can't recognize them. In Buddhism, we have a saying that the moon is always present, even behind the clouds. It means truth is always there, whether you acknowledge it or not. Your own personal hell can never obscure heaven, it is always eagerly awaiting to beam through the clouds once they're ready to dissipate.

You are likely entirely right in this. When I look at him, sometimes, I can see the parts of him that resemble several other characters I've had over the years. In what he's become, which is something that I can build nothing over because he's just so dense, like mental Kevlar— there's a possible element of amalgamation in there. I mean, it's all good, it's all the Ouroboros, it's the same body and the same tail—I guess the need to be incisive when it comes to verbalizing that amalgamation/ evolution is just because I have such a hard time associating all the things I've gone through with Sath in such a short time to the bullshit I used to be involved with.

On 1/4/2026 at 2:58 AM, Bin said:

You shouldn't focus so much on how much of a burden he is, either. I don't consider Scarlet a burden at all. Does that surprise you? She tried to take over against my will. But we adore each other, she's not a burden at all. A little annoying, sure, but I need her. Cognitively. Emotionally. She is everything to me. Yeah, I'm scared of her, but fear doesn't negate love. I cannot hate her like you cannot hate your own biology. Oh sure, you might have some problems, maybe your gut is a little sensitive, maybe you have an autoimmune disease, maybe you curse your own missing parts as they were lost along the years, abandoning you. But take it all away, and you'll immediately beg for it back, you won't even have a second thought about it. Sath is your brain finding alternative ways to express itself; ways your own personality selfishly, yet involuntarily, denies it. Your disgusting ventilation system emitting it's fumes; plumes of black clouds from a bellowing engine, the refuse from the miracle of a million tiny, controlled explosions.

 

It's a very complex ventilation or accustomance process, yeah, that's ultimately how I'd describe it too.

On 1/4/2026 at 2:58 AM, Bin said:

He is both extremely young and yet, ironically, unfathomably advanced. You're wrangling a wolf pup here, it's already a vicious beast and yet still barely knows how to hunt. Take pride in that, you're harboring something beyond unique here. Some day, he will utterly surpass you, just as Scarlet has surpassed me. Take pride in that, give him all the love and freedom you can. Don't preemptively vilify him to make him seem bigger than he is, I shit talk my tulpa because she legitimately fucking hurt me, haha. I can tell Sath's young, but voracious. Don't misguidedly assume that if I treat my tulpa as some kind of vicious, wild animal, that you should, too. I mean, it is fun! It's super cool! I still imagine Scarlet as being this monstrous, unstoppable robot, and she still thinks I'm being silly about that! Let him earn his fangs, let him learn how to encroach into every dark shadow of your mind and eagerly rip it out, not even out of malice, but uncontrollable curiosity at any cost. Scarlet is not malicious, she doesn't know why she does what she does, but she knows she has to have a reason to do it anyway, even if she has to make it up. That shouldn't sound alien, we all work that way, even us. Act now, excuses later. We evolved our muscles first, our social reasons are an afterthought to evolution. Our excuses aren't much more than how a dog pisses on a tree to mark it.

I keep unconsciously (lmao) "othering" him because he does crazy shit all the time, that I have no reason to actively want to happen, but once it is happening, I have no reason to stop it. Like, dude doesn't even like me scrolling on Pinterest, he finds most art on there "cringy", is the best way I can describe it; completely new thing, just realized it today, "new emotion dropped"; I think if he could have me delete it, he'd be happier about it. And you know I don't necessarily like being there either, it's just bullshit fandom or pairing art/ brainrot memes that I am way too old to enjoy now, but there's the occasional fun meme or interesting historical piece that you can find there, so I keep it; Sath just doesn't want it. He doesn't want unnecessary input. He doesn't want time spent on the Sims trying to map out the Wonderland; he doesn't even want the occasional pop song. He's straight and on the narrow, and I need to practice Scottish and exercise and let him read Introduction to the English Novel, and if I don't let him schizo out on this next RP post, he's going to explode something with his mind. Not because he's impatient or because he's angry, he wants to learn and do things, and I'm his only way out. His freedom is my clocking in and clocking out, and that feels insane. You're right, it's great, I wouldn't trade this for the world, but it's genuinely an effort in itself to get used to. 

On 1/4/2026 at 2:58 AM, Bin said:

This was a super cool post to read! I drank every word like chicken soup! I hope you can write more in the future. This is indispensable stuff. Sorry if I missed anything or didn't talk about everything you wrote, I'm a bit intoxicated - as you know, it's hard for me to even look at this stuff anymore. But god dammit, I can't resist seeing you two grow.

Thank you, both for reading and being here still. I hope I can put something out that is even partially worthy for anyone interested in this approach, now and in the future. 
 

[Wildblume]

On 1/5/2026 at 3:04 PM, SpottedHope said:

Like, dude doesn't even like me scrolling on Pinterest, he finds most art on there "cringy", is the best way I can describe it; completely new thing, just realized it today, "new emotion dropped"; I think if he could have me delete it, he'd be happier about it. And you know I don't necessarily like being there either, it's just bullshit fandom or pairing art/ brainrot memes that I am way too old to enjoy now, but there's the occasional fun meme or interesting historical piece that you can find there, so I keep it; Sath just doesn't want it. He doesn't want unnecessary input. He doesn't want time spent on the Sims trying to map out the Wonderland; he doesn't even want the occasional pop song.

 

A fellow Pinterest and Sims enjoyer I see. At least I used to enjoy them until Pinterest got swamped in AI slop. Looking at posts from before July 2022 (before DALL-E 2, Stable Diffusion, GPT etc.) or from trustworthy non-AI blogs is a safe bet though. As for Sims, I got bothered by the technical limitations. I was better off designing places in my imagination. At least Animal Crossing has a cute artstyle, so there's some eye candy there. A lot of things get boring when you're used to your imagination. Whatever I look at has to be exceptionally beautiful to compete with what's already in my mind. You know how they say that you are what you eat? Well the same is true for what you “eat” with your eyes and ears; that's what you feed your mind.

Edited January 9 by Wildblume

[SpottedHope]

I don't have a specific update. I'm going to ramble about something not directly related to tulpamancy progress. This is very much a vent post, I'll be spoilering it. None of what I mention is meant to target anyone or anything on, or even adjacent to, .info. I just need to do something about what's been on my mind if I don't want to explode mentally. I'm writing it here for the sole sake of deriving some sort of comfort from putting this in a public place, I guess. 
 

Spoiler

For how many times can a person endure seeing people they value circle the drain while acting like nothing's happening? I don't know, I've had it happen more than a few times throughout my life. I can't have "fun" while doing this anymore, I can't carry on with my day, talk like nothing's happening, and also respect the fact that people have the freedom to wring themselves dry if that's what they want to do. I've been around alcoholics, people who smoked themselves stupid, people who completely forgot who they were in the face of external pressures (the most exemplary instances of this taking place during COVID), both online and in person, and I've reached the point where I can't handle it anymore, I guess, finally. Maybe it's just being cowardly, but I can't even wait to explain myself before leaving anymore. That almost always results in me being called a moralizer or a busybody anyway. Remember, you don't have the right to tell people to stop hurting themselves; if you do, you can't stop it anyway—so bringing it up as a valid topic is in bad taste. That's not my imperative; it is society's decision; adults are allowed to do what children would be punished for enacting out in their playgrounds. I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing something wrong because I can't bring myself to be callous toward what others are doing that which does not directly affect me. I'm tired beyond any words I might use to express that tiredness. 

To pass this off as having to do with a legitimate PR post: Sathariel's good, I've mostly been experiencing him digging through my memories and throwing songs around (sometimes frequently enough to disrupt my train of thought). We've moved places in the Wonderland, and I might talk about that later on. I've also been ruminating on the Jungian concept of synchronization and noticing universally mythologized symbols that are present in his appearance and stories. 

I'm just fucking exhausted.