One tulpa and our journey wasn't going well. Now I have 16 headmates. It's really stressful and things suck. Advise.

[A Nebula System]

To cut down to size a long story some time ago (i would say over a year and a half) I began creating a tulpa named Genesis. Many things went wrong. We persevered and kept trying regardless but neither of us were happy. Give it a year's time and we're still in the same boat, then another headmate shows up out of the blue. We're quite surprised. Then we think that's it and then another shows up and another and fast forward a bit more we're a system of 17 including myself. Subject to change because in the last week we discovered *seven* new headmates and if I wake up tomorrow and realise there's another guy or two in there all of a sudden it won't be a surprise. Being the sole host of this system is stressful as fuck and I'm not good at it. I never was. I don't believe any of us are actually happy. Here's the situation, I guess...:

We lack a lot of skills other systems have. This is a major issue. These are, and I may be forgetting some:

 

> Visualisation. We have aphantasia; we cannot imagine mental images. This means any technique requiring for example symbolism is useless to us.

 

> Vocalisation. We tried to learn this for so long, me and Genesis. And then me and Astral and etc until we kind of gave up. Over a year of trying with very little to show for it. I can speak in our head just fine and be heard but none of the other 16 members of our system can. So we communicate via typing/writing and "high/low feelings" as I can feel, to an extent, the emotions of headmates. The latter system worked fine when it was just me and Genesis but is EXTREMELY impractical when there's 16 people any high/low feeling could be coming from at any moment. Communication is difficult for us in our head; usually when we can type/write to each other, communicating that way works fine enough.

 

> Headspace. We have no headspace/wonderland/whatever. This rules out a **lot** of things for system work and bonding. This cannot be changed due to aphantasia.

 

> Switching. Now, this is something we do have some hope we can learn. We've not seriously tried for prolonged amounts of time, and our system members can possess/borrow my hands alright and if we tried, other body parts with some practice. I think we can achieve switching -- but we have no idea how, and the guides we've found online haven't been much help. There was one occasion where Genesis cofronted, though. 

 

-- All of the above makes things quite difficult for us. In an ideal world there'd be a second host in this system but how can we even achieve that when nobody else but me is able to front and we don't know how to change that? I think fronting may be the main thing honestly. Our headmates are unhappy and restless and want to be able to actually do things.

I also want help on managing .. the sheer amount of headmates who are basically in my care. I am  not able to do it alone I feel and there's only more of 'em showing up and by gods I'd be stressed enough already without all this. One of our newer headmates, Homura (a fictive of Homura Akemi yes), has been very helpful with managing things, introducing new headmates and calming them down for example in one occasion, but she's also stated that she, does not want to be a secondary host. I do not blame her at all.

Speaking of which the sudden influx of headmates have all been fictives from the same source with one exception. Mabayu Aki - originating from the Madoka Magica spinoff Scene0 - showed up first, then introjects from the main show; Homura, Sayaka, Kyoko, Madoka, and Kyubey. They've had varying levels of activity relative to one another, and Sayaka, Kyoko and Madoka all feel quite ... odd in that they're not certain of their identities. Mabayu feels similar to be a lesser extent. I think this is mostly because of the fact it's been a while since we've watched the source material and thus I've sort of fallen out of familiarisation with the characters, and the ones who left a clearer impression on our mind that I remember more clearly / know better - Homura, Mabayu, and Kyubey - are more sure of themselves for this same reason. There's also Dust who showed up, who is not a fictive and I think is more of a 'fragment' than a 'full' headmate. They uh, feel terrible basically all the time. [They liked watching the Sonic movie though so it's not like they're hopeless, they can enjoy things clearly.] When they first showed up they requested to be dissipated and I'm not sure if they still want that. These are just other things that I as the host kinda have to handle but I'm just. Not . In the mind that I can. You know..? Holding together, even, is difficult,,. Another thing I'll mention is we have a mentor or sorts but I also feel relying solely on one other system for all our advice is not a good idea. They also proposed we might be a polyfragmented system which probably makes sense but honestly whenever I tried to read up on what that actually meant I got a headache and I still don't understand it...

 

..Guh, I don't know where I'm going with this. The point is uh, we'd really appreciate advice, of any variety, on what to do so things suck less. We do have the goals of learning switching/fronting but I don't know how to do that, and i don't know anything else we should do,,.. I definitely do want to Not get any more headmates, that's another thing.

Oh yeah and we're gonna try 'n rewatch Madoka Magica so the aforementioned fictives get a better idea of their sources/identities and whatnot. They want that. I'm afraid it might be triggering also but whatever.. Homura and Kyubey seem pretty confident in their identities though i dunno if i mentioned that or not and as for mabayu i honestly do not know all too well

 

So. Yeah. What should we  do ... i wish i could be more coherent here. there's probably stuff i've forgetten to mention. ask questions if unsure about stuff. right..

 

Homura: I wish to add that our host is much too stressed to do things that may be particularly ambitious. This, too, is a huge issue. Mabayu, my partner, feels quite uncomfortable most of the time as well, and we don't know why. It pains me to see, as does the identity uncertainty some of us are experiencing, and our Kyubey's guilt over his canonical actions now that he has human emotions. I've forgiven him yet it remains. I, too, feel stressed, apprehensive, uncertain of the future, and restless, yearning for a full life of my own again. Please, help us. 

 

 

Edited April 11 by A Nebula System

[Shaula]

I'm not very knowledgeable on this stuff but I'd like to help. I can at least listen. 

 

I know some larger systems have a schedule when it comes to making system mates dormant. I don't really know what your options are but we can sympathize. Nightfall has trouble balancing us 4 sometimes. 

 

I wish I could be more helpful but I just wanted to make sure you know someone cares. Hugs if anyone wants them. ⊂⁠(⁠(⁠・⁠▽⁠・⁠)⁠)⁠⊃ 

[Flandre]

Not addressing everything (tulpamancy is kind of hard to do and explain with/for aphantasia) but I wanted to say really quick:

There's a recent trend of referring to "walk-ins" - systemmates that just "show up" one day - as let-ins instead, because it is truly up to the host accepting and thinking of them as a separate person that creates them for real, until you've developed them somewhat through tulpamancy/plural means they're not more than imagination.

Systems only really suffer by gaining more members past the first few, it decreases the time that can be spent with each one a lot, so it's never good to just let your imagination run wild and fill up your brain with barely developed tulpas (and no, you should not be spending a ton of time dedicated to twenty individual system members either)

 

Tulpas become tulpas by you thinking of them as separate, legitimate individuals, instead of just imagination. So, decline your brain's suggestions of new tulpas by doing the opposite, refusing to think of them as separate, legitimate individuals, knowing they are just your imagination and that you don't have to acknowledge them as more than a spur of the moment thought.

[A Nebula System]

Flandre, I appreciate it, but, for us, new members forming is not optional. We have even attempted to dissipate one previously (with their consent obviously) but it just does not work. It's more akin to alters showing up in a fully traumagenic system than walk-in tulpas - in fact this is what I outright believe them to be. Though our system began with tulpamancy, that, I think, essentially, how to put this, made the brain aware that plurality was like, an option, and when the time came started splitting without our control. None of the members besides Genesis (the original tulpa) have ever required any kind of active thought or dedication to stick around.

[YukariTelepath]

I genuinely don't understand how this works, how can you know they exist and continue to exist when they can't talk or be otherwise sensed and their emotional responses can't be differentiated? What does it mean when you say they show up? If you put all this away and focus on living your life, what happens?

[A Nebula System]

They communicate via typing/writing and emotions. When someone feels like shit I can tell and when I ignore members they feel like shit and do not stop until we help them feel better. Besides feeling their presence and emotions, I'll sit down regularly to let whoever may want to write do so, and I will often have no idea who may want to 'til our hand is already moving from them writing. I'll often be surprised by who it is. Not every member wants regular attention, of course, but many do.

If I try to ignore everything, then they feel godawful emotionally, overwhelmingly so.

Anyway.. I would prefer people who wish to help by providing advice to respond that is what we are looking for. It would be preferred for questions to only be asked if they're relevent to giving advice.

[Flandre]

3 hours ago, A Nebula System said:

Flandre, I appreciate it, but, for us, new members forming is not optional. We have even attempted to dissipate one previously (with their consent obviously) but it just does not work. It's more akin to alters showing up in a fully traumagenic system than walk-in tulpas - in fact this is what I outright believe them to be.

 

If you believe traditional tulpamancy practices do not apply to your system then we can't help you, that is therapist territory. We don't offer medical advice here, except insofar as giving ideas as to what sorts of problems should be sought professional help for. (I wasn't asking you to dissipate anyone, only to stop accepting new system members by not allowing yourself to believe they are actual tulpas yet until you make them so - whether this is a choice in belief or how you actually work, I don't have further advice except to find a therapist who is proficient in dealing with the problems/history you have (not all are, it's good to try seeing a different therapist+ until you find one who you vibe with))

Edited April 12 by Flandre

[fennecfoxx]

I fully agree with Flandre that you would be better off getting help from a therapist than from here. Whatever is going on in your head is not tulpamancy. I would guess it’s either a dissociative disorder or something like maladaptive daydreaming or persistent intrusive thoughts plus the belief that anything that doesn’t appear to be under your control must be a tulpa.

[The Incans]

Having both Alters and Tulpa's myself it can be easy to confuse the two ...it's possible you creating genesis in the first place triggered alters out. Alters would be the one's you didn't consciously think about creating.  

Are any 'like you but a different age' or anything like that?  

Even if you can't visualise a wonderland doesn't mean any of the other's couldn't create a wonderland inside.. We have had hosts who had no idea there were alters inside or that we had our own wonderland. This was because it was their specific job to be 'social mask hosts' and front out in the real world where we would have been made fun of or bullied if anyone had found out.  We had 'social mask' hosts right up into the bodies 40's totally oblivious the inside or 'others' existed.  

Not all of us could access the front either originally though one protector used to sneak the littles up to the front when no-one was around for a little playtime when the opportunity arose. More rarely as a younger adult (20's -40's) but after becoming disabled  and mostly housebound so we were alone more than we weren't ...ours started coming out more frequently and for longer.  

Now the social masks are dormant and the insiders run the system and the life.