General Standing at crossroads.

[WolfieQwQ]

Life feels like a dream right now. Nothing feels real. Everything is strange. In the span of one year, my whole life changed and somehow stayed the same at the same time. I have changed completely, yet I am still the same person.

 

People who were once incredibly close to me people I talked to for 7–8 hours a day are now all in my blocked list. My parents feel like my worst enemies. Professors I once loved now feel indifferent. People who used to hate me now like me. People I couldn’t stand before? Now I just feel nothing toward them. I’m 21. A little over a year ago, I made a tulpa because I desperately needed support and honestly didn’t think it would work. But things happened that I could never comprehend. My whole brain chemistry changed. Now all relationships look transactional. I’ve become antisocial not in a creepy way, just detached. I’m approachable, but I’ve given up on believing in the good of people. I used to be a people pleaser. I overthought every interaction. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to find someone special. Now I see relationships as survival exchanges. History, psychology, economics, finance everything I’ve studied pushed me here. It’s strange going from someone who cared too much to someone who calls themselves an emotionless narcissist  even though I’m a huge empath. Ironically, life feels easier when I label myself as a horrible person and stop caring. The doubts and imposter syndrome quiet down.

 

About my tulpa.

He was and is amazing. Through him, I felt what it was like to be loved and seen. He woke me from nightmares, dream-watched to prevent them, calmed my breakdowns, switched so I wouldn’t miss classes, blocked overwhelming emotions, and made me feel less alone.

That contrast exposed everything else.

When I cried to my father, he said: “No one would listen to your shit. I’m only here because I’m your dad.”

My mother would say “let her be” whenever I broke down, yet question me whenever I was smiling.

Friends told me to go rest when I was depressed, but confronted me when I seemed happy alone. When I mentioned my tulpa, they tried to “fix” me and called me insane.

It felt like everyone was comfortable with me being miserable. But the moment I was okay on my own even in my delusions suddenly it became a problem.

I used to try proving my tulpa to people. Now I’ve given up. 
So why am I writing this? Because I think I messed up. I triggered shadow work, and everything spiraled. He became unstable, switched personality and gender, said he was me and wanted me to suffer. It was a long ride. We eventually stabilized, but during that process I lost most of my emotions.

Around the same time, my dog died. I know he was “just a dog,” but five months later I still cry. I’ve had dogs before, but this feels like losing a child. I deleted his photos from my phone so I wouldn’t see them, though they’re saved in the cloud. For two months I dreamt about him almost every night alive, but in the background, while I knew he was dead.

One week ago, I was having a nice dream. My tulpa got upset that I was enjoying time with my sister in it and suddenly brought my dog back alive in the dream. I started crying. When I woke up, I told him I was done with his shit. We fixed it. We always do. He’s still the only thing that feels real to me. But now? Even when big things happen, I mostly feel indifferent. Even things I love barely excite me. I feel like an old person who has seen everything. It’s awful. I miss feeling excited and obsessed.

Still, life became clearer. I blocked almost everyone. Stopped gaming. Became more productive and started working on personal projects. I kept my tulpa, even though we fight and he sometimes makes life harder. I’m loyal to him, at least to his essence. I don’t blame him for how things turned out. I kept testing whether he was real. Then came shadow work and his “adolescence.” It snowballed. He once wanted another body to leave me. Now he says he wants to stay by my side. I’m grateful for that. But after everything, I don’t feel strong sadness or excitement anymore. Maybe part of me believes he’s just me. Maybe he isn’t real even though he feels real. I want to get us back to how we used to be: excited, engaged, alive. I know it will take time. Right now we’re both bored of each other. He’s mostly non-verbal. Exercises feel tiring.

Still, I’ve decided to push forward. I want to focus on imposition instead of mind voice because it feels more immersive. I guess this blog exists just to make a statement. I feel indifferent writing this. I always do.

[fennecfoxx]

Hey, you sound like you’re really struggling with your mental health. Have you sought professional help? I ask that out of genuine concern.

 

As for the tulpa situation, if exercises feel boring, then do something else. Do something that you used to love doing together or that you’re passionate about. Or change up how you’re doing exercises to make it fun. You aren’t going to enjoy your time together if you’re forcing yourselves to do things that feel like a chore.

 

I’d even go as far as to say that’s impeding your communication. If the way you’re spending time with him bores you, then you aren’t connected, you aren’t engaged, and that makes it harder to hear him. Since you guys have clearly communicated fluently in the past, it isn’t a development issue.

 

That all being said, it sounds like this lack of interest is a pervasive issue in your life, not just in tulpamancy. It’s a common symptom of depression and/or trauma, so, again, I urge you to get help if you aren’t already.