Stupid Jokes Thread

[Guest Anonymous]

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.

 

The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the truck won't be waiting for me either."

[jean-luc]

I'm really bad at drawing. Like not just bad, but terabad.

 

It's a million times worse than megabad.

[glint4]

+ : So what is your address?

- : 192.168.66.9

+ : Not that, your local address.

- : 127.0.0.1

+ : I mean your physical address.

- : 37:64:55:21:26

+ : @#$%!#;@&

[Guest Anonymous]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

 

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

 

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

 

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[Guest Anonymous]

Why can’t you trust an atom?

 

Because they make up literally everything.

[Guest Anonymous]

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

[Guest Anonymous]

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[Guest Anonymous]

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

 

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

 

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"

 

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

[Guest Anonymous]

How does a cow keep track of her appointments?

 

She checks her COWander

[Guest Anonymous]

What is the difference between men and women?

 

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.