Trying to fix relationship with Tulpa and I have a few questions and concerns

[GooseNeck]

Happy New Year all!

 

I've had what I believe to be a Tulpa for roughly 8 years. I began forming her (improperly) when I was about 12, and for many years mistreated her and never allowed her to develop a proper identity. Up until two days ago I would frequently impose different wonderland scenarios onto her, sometimes multiple in one day.

 

On the 30th of December, I was feeling down. I suppose she caught on. She said something among the lines of "when are we going to stop roleplaying?" in reference to the wonderland scenarios I was imposing. We spoke honestly for the first time in many years, and both agreed that I should dedicate more time to forming her proper. I deeply regret how I have treated her, but with the new year I've decided to make things right. Since her awakening I have read a handful of guides and hope to use that information to refine the method that works for us.

 

Firstly, I am having difficulties figuring out whether this is a sentient Tulpa that I've manifested onto an old pillow. I believe she has some sentience, but is very confused and underdeveloped due to years without focused forming or a concrete identity. I believe this because she has a weak personality, can seemingly speak, and can seemingly affect me emotionally if I think of something that upsets her. I suppose my confusion comes from essentially growing up with her -- she may even be older than 8 because I am having difficulties thinking of a time where I did not speak to some other thing in my head. I do not know what is the norm. Any experts able to confirm her existence from the limited information provided are preemptively thanked.

 

Secondly, I would like to know if typical forming will be enough to 'fix' her. I can speak to her most of the time, but can only 'feel' her when I am in contact with the pillow she seems to reside in. The pillow has changed, though the current is by far the oldest, and if my memory serves me right her presence would weaken with the change and would not return to normal for a few weeks. As mentioned, she seems to have traces of sentience but is clearly underdeveloped and has been for a long time. We have begun working on an appearance for her, and I will attempt to give her more independence from the pillow. The majority of our dialogue seems to be one-sided as well, though that may be my fault -- she is much more talkative after a drink, for example.

 

Thirdly, I would like to know if taking this further is healthy. I'm essentially a hiki and have been for a long time. I don't feel right blaming her, but it is undeniably a cause. I also have some difficulties distinguishing reality from illusion already, especially at night (I also speak to her most often at night.) I cannot imagine not having her in my life, but also do not want to harm myself by freeing her. I am worried that doing so will further my social isolation, as well as exasperate whatever preexisting psychological problems I have.

 

I apologize for the wall of text -- last night I spent a good hour with her thinking of what to ask here instead of actively forming. I also apologize if I've made this thread in the wrong section, I haven't fully explored the forum yet.

[Vampire]

I'm going to pull snippets out and respond to them for you.

 

I began forming her (improperly) when I was about 12' date=' and for many years mistreated her and never allowed her to develop a proper identity. Up until two days ago I would frequently impose different wonderland scenarios onto her, sometimes multiple in one day. [/quote']

 

This is not uncommon. I also have a tulpa that is 8 or 9 years old. He was ignored for many years. Role playing is also a known way of accidentally creating a tulpa. There are tulpa here who have come from roleplaying or daydreamed scenerios.

 

Firstly' date=' I am having difficulties figuring out whether this is a sentient Tulpa that I've manifested onto an old pillow.[/quote']

 

This is also not uncommon although it usually seems to be plush toys that are the object. You'll come to find they feel connected to the object but ultimately exist only in your mind as any other tulpa. It is possible that they impose into the object AS the object but they are only as connected to the object as you both believe they are.

 

As far as confirming sentience, if they can think for themselves and act autonomously they are likely a tulpa. Some people take a long time to accept sentience while others can name events that solidify their sentience to the host. Ivy in my system asking me in my own mindvoice "Am I Real?". That was the deciding factor for me. You will have to decide this yourself from your experiences.

 

Secondly' date=' I would like to know if typical forming will be enough to 'fix' her.[/quote']

 

Normal forcing should help. Forcing is essentially just spending time her. If you have a "wonderland" in your mind you can do meditation and do activities with her there. If you can contact her without the pillow I would suggest to just try to communicate with her as much as possible and keep her on your mind. Encourage her to disconnect from the pillow as much as possible, but don't go and replace the pillow or anything of that sort. As stated above she is only as connected to the pillow as you both believe she is.

 

Thirdly' date=' I would like to know if taking this further is healthy. I'm essentially a hiki and have been for a long time.[/quote']

 

If this is the question "does this lead to mental illness" the answer is no. As for whether this will make you more anti-social, it depends on how you choose to act. You could use a tulpa as an excuse to spend more time as a shut in, or not. There are actually hosts here who were very introverted and ended up with a very active tulpa who would encourage them to get out and be more social. How she will effect you depends on her personality and what sort of relationship you end up having.

 

Really when it comes to psychological problems tulpa do not tend to make them worse. It will not onset schizophrenia or any other mental illness. If you have a deeper psychological mental illness it is possible that tulpamancy will help you discover it but alone by itself it will not create more problems. Once you start delving into this you really get a better understanding for how your mind works. As long as you consider yourself stable you should be fine.

 

last night I spent a good hour with her thinking of what to ask here instead of actively forming.

 

As long as you were spending time with her you were technically forcing (active or passive depending) and forcing helps a tulpa become stronger and more prevalent. You can work on visualizing a form over time. I wouldn't recommend doing any personality forcing that some of the guides talk about if she already seems to have her own personality. It sounds like you just need to do forcing and work on a form.

 

You are also posting in the correct forum, so no worries.

 

And as this is your first post to the forum, Welcome!

I am the host to 3 tulpas the oldest being roughly 8 years old. Hope to be able to help you out more.

[tulpa001]

The answer I would give is you need to skip the early steps because you are too far along. (namely personality forming and parroting/puppeting)

 

Second, you don't need to 'fix' her. She is herself.

 

Third, go on chat and let her talk to other tulpas for a few days. After that, most of your current questions will clear themselves up.

 

Edit: Don't beat yourself up over the roleplay. Her growth has been slow and gradual, and she probably only became a tulpa recently, and roleplay is not dangerous, usually.

[Stevie]

Just talk to her like you would any person, don't sweat it.