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Even in public, Lumi. There's no context in which the fronter alters their natural and authentic behavior to present the body as more like just one person. Accent and posture sometimes change dramatically in mid-conversation with someone who isn't in the know. I used to quote Richard Feynman and ask my wife C., "What do you care what other people think?" Now Vesper does that to me when I falter.

 

If there's a context where we feel someone really shouldn't know, only one of us fronts around them. That's an advantage of instant effortless switching -- you always have the most appropriate person for the situation at the front.

 

-Ember


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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The little black stubble on my chin and especially the new stuff from my cheeks makes me go "heh heh heh heh heh" but completely disgusts my girl alters and upsets Cassidy and most of my kids. 

 

I wonder about my t dosage. Could be coincidence, but I feel like I've grown hair in at a faster rate since I've been lowering it. I've also lost a bit of weight, probably because the Immovable Teen Hunger abated. I ate a glass of milk and a few crackers for dinner yesterday and a handful of walnuts for lunch and no breakfast. But that can also be a side effect of Gavin, who is not the "u must eat" nag you might expect, but instead hates eating and only shovels something in the food hole when hunger is physically painful or otherwise too annoying. Hates eating and sleeping, lordy, what am I going to do with him?  

 

I think I just hate binding. Also I need to fricking... wash my binders, and I haven't, so it forces my hand a little, not I also haven't felt a need to wash them, so, eh... My winter coat is padded enough that I just wear nothing under my t-shirt, and keep my coat closed through the day. No one has ever said anything. It's not the compression of binders, it's the fabric... It really hurts to have straps on top of the skin damage I have rn. And it's a bit of a sweat trap which makes everything get infected... no thanks. 

 

My trans guy friend irl talks about all the measures he does to look more male and I have to bite back from going, "Really? You're darkening your peach fuzz with mascara?" because I have a lot more freedom now. I do want to shake both my trans guy friends to start vocal training NOW RIGHT NOW. Such an awful thing that for ftm men the default view is just "wait til t makes your voice drop." That's what they've said to me. First, your voice will break and drop, but that ain't gonna change your (most likely) girly way of speaking, resonance-wise, intonation-wise. The resulting "gay voice" is something some trans men like, but others settle with, I think, not knowing how much of the voice is trainable, thinking that's just how their voice is. Second, it is possible to get a passing male voice, or at least one that'll keep you from being clocked the second you speak (a painful experience) pre-t via training. Mine wasn't perfect but I was firmly in male pitch range and it stopped being the one factor to keep me from passing. It made a big difference in my personal feeling like a man, too. These two guys wear guy clothes and get guy hair cuts and they do say "bro" a lot to me and make dick jokes, but otherwise they talk and act exactly like teen girls. Which is fine if that's what you want, but I'm pretty sure it's not what they want. Social transition is more than getting people to call you a different name. It's convincing people to view you as a certain gender. A very personal journey of "how will I convey I'm a man" for me. I'm not saying sacrifice yourself. But analyze your behavior, your mannerisms. Not everyone has a Gavin, I suppose.... 

 

At pride club, the trans guys sat with all the lesbians, and the gay cis guys sat at another table. I was shocked. It's a pride club that's gender-segregated, all girls this side of the room, all guys that side of the room, no mixing, and even worse, trans guys were counted on the girl side! 

 

I don't know if this is "right" or not, but I don't think a social transition is very successful if a trans man is only in female-only social circles. When I feel like they can't make friends with cis guys, there's a problem. They feel like girls that dress like guys and go by he/him. Like everyone treats them as girls. Girls whose gimmick is being guys. Secondhand dysphoria lmao. I want them to be seen as guys! I want them to be counted as guys! 

 

People respecting to call you a certain name and pronouns is not the same as being socially accepted as a gender. It's tricky. 

 

I wear a bit of lipstick and foundation and concealor and don't bind and curl my eyelashes and am growing out my hair, but I'm firmly viewed as a guy. I kinda get the freedom to do what I want now. I understand why the clique of queer and trans kids exists, but I feel like a social failure if I can't make friends with cis guys. That's a personal thing... I don't know. I was about to say "straight cis guys" but I realized my middle school best friend was defintely not straight. 

 

"Queer kids" is like a caste that I want mobility outside of. Not everyone cares about being "straight-passing" or even "cis-passing" and my use of makeup ought to show I'm not sacrificing my True Self TM to look 'normal', but I also don't want my defining atributes to be "the gay looking trans guy who acts exactly like a girl." 

 

What's it mean to be queer, what's it mean to be trans, I haven't eaten breakfast yet, maybe I'll get the answer as a prize in my cheerio box. -J



"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

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We have found there's a spectrum to dormancy, but in general there is one key factor that determines how extreme your dormancy experience is - your "sensitivity" to the mind's minimally conscious thoughts and thought processes. This is part of why I liked the term "body OS" since it fit in this context. I can't speak for Cat, but for me my periods of dormancy tend to be shallow and insignificant, and I end up not recharging. On the plus side, I can react to things in the moment. I experience a more significant version of dormancy if I have been inactive for ~20 hours or so. I lose my ability to jump into the situation knowing everything, but I gain being able to rest and recharge. My headmates experience dormancy to the extreme. I usually find my headmates perky and energetic when I wake them up after awhile, and when they first start recalling experiences, they think about are memories they are concerned with, get an unconscious recall of what has happened in the past 48 hours or so, and then ask us for more memories because they can't immediately remember what happened in-between. My headmates are not particularly sensitive to the front, but assuming I woke them up recently, only take moments to figure out what's happening and are able to quickly respond a the present situation.

 

I believe anything more extreme than my headmate's dormancy would qualify as stasis. I wonder if after a certain length of time, the build up of energy starts to degrade and some deconstruction of the identity can occur if the identity is young. For example, during the time we were figuring out we were a system of 17, Jasper and Fish had some trouble coming back and they felt like they were not themselves. We realized we had not spoken with either of them in a really long time before that. However, since most of my other headmates do not have stable personalities yet, it's possible what was remembered is not a reliable indicator of who they are. However, I also wonder if what Jasper and Fish were left with was only a fraction of the progress they made before entering stasis. I think it's fair to say there's a strong correlation between possible damage to a personality and what is remembered of that personality.

 

Presence is mainly associated with forms, but forms are essentially "parked" when not communicating, so we don't have any way of verifying wakefulness based on presence.

 

This is not the case for us. For us, mindvoice is more useful for gauging presence than form. We get the strongest feeling someone else is speaking and even a taste of their personality just by judging their mindvoice. Fish choosing a more child-like and higher pitched mindvoice and Chrome choosing a more booming voice isn't an accident. Form on the other hand is very important for revealing tulpish-like information, expressing ourselves, and strengthening our identity, to the point where my headmates will sometimes refuse to speak if our visualization is crap. However, an absence of a form can lead to presence skyrocketing and our mindvoices being given an extra dimension in how they feel.

 

I wondered if part of the reason why is related to Cat training the mind to be less sensitive to intrusive thoughts, most of which are visual based. However, even though mindvoice is still around during periods of high stress, presence is almost eradicated, so I suppose the cause is something else.

 

Somewhat unrelated, I wonder if this is connected to our difficulty switching and why we have found visual guides to be less helpful. However, wonderland symbolism is sensitive to what's going on and even though is usually unique every time, forms somewhat consistent patterns depending on the context. Merge symbolism, prone to intrusives symbolism, form symbolism, anxiety symbolism, etc. are observed to the point where we can almost use them as measurement. For example, Cat was doing a visualization exercise (picked up from therapy) to scan her body for anxiety and pain and one time she noticed a static warning symbol near her wrist and thought "that hurts? really?" Upon closer inspection, she realized her wrist did hurt! She realized her carrying her book-bag funny hurt her wrist. Given that wonderland symbolism seems to offer so much information about something, I don't want to rule it out using it for a switching attempt.

 


 

[Cat] Ranger pretending to be me hasn't caused any gender confusion troubles, but so far Ranger predominately fronted in a different school building than I did. I think Ranger and I slipped up more than we should have, but it didn't matter because

minor screw ups were observed by different people. Ranger was a little dysphoric about being referred to as queen and possibly even showed that through his body language, but if that were to happen down-the -road I am willing to compromise that and say to people that I'm uncertain about my gender identity.

 

However, instead of pretending to be me, Ranger simply chooses not to interact with my extended family. He wants me to socialize more at thanksgiving, and there's the risk they will pick up on Ranger's lack of enthusiasm for math and computer science and ask what's up. Ranger was more than happy to eat the Thanksgiving snacks and skip out on everything else.

 

As for my parents, the plan is still to hope they forget about me being a tulpamancer. I don't know what their thoughts are, the last time Flame told me my mother was worried I had more tulpas other than Ranger happened a long time ago. I was almost tempted to ask her some questions about identity and use the fact I was learning about DID in psychology class as an excuse from bringing it up, but I refrained and just stayed on topic. As an effort to protect myself from being reminded of tulpamancy, I played some devil's advocate and argued that traumatic systems may not consist of separate individuals. My mother mentioned one video she saw of a traumatic system who switched during an interview with Oprah, and my mother noticed she switched a bunch of times during the interview. Even though Ranger avoids my parents most of the time and it's unclear if we can switch or not, it still makes me sad that my mother can't seem to tell the two of us apart. I know we have a lot in common, but even Flame said Ranger points more when he uses hand gestures. I can't tell if it's a matter of my mother not wanting to distinguish us, her not wanting to report inconsistencies, or my mom honestly not being able to tell the difference.

 

 

To answer the what-if question (I can copy+paste this if you want me to):

 

Fist of all, Ranger would want a male body, not this one. Second, he realized there's a risk we may not be close friends anymore or he would lose part of who he is if we lived in separate bodies. He floated the idea of still having some kind of mental connection, like a brain helmet or something so we can still experience that part of our relationship. We figured that if giving Ranger his own body is possible, creating psychic connections between people would also be possible.

 


 

I'm going to have to call Ember.Vesper, chief researchers, for this one. While watching the first episode of "His Dark Materials", the TV show that came out to as a remake of "The Golden Compass", I realized they used the term Dæmon (Daemon) in the show (and to my dismay called them "demons" not "day-mens") which I didn't remember from the movie when I watched it as a kid. My father pointed out that it was interesting that dæmons were typically the opposite sex of their (host), and I wondered if there was a deeper connection to tulpas then I thought there was.

 

My first question is where did "dæmon" come from? I know Dæmens have their own community, but I'm not super familiar with the dæmon community. I'm not sure if the word dæmon came from the book series wrote or if (I'm guessing) has a much, much deeper origin story. Bonus if you guys can figure out where the computer programming term came from.

 

My second question is how much did Philip Pullman know about plural communities before writing his books, or if it was more likely a coincidence? The opposite sex thing also happens in the tulpamancy community, usually with cis-gender male tulpamancers creating female tulpas. The exception usually being if the system is transgender, so the system generally matches the desired gender. Female tulpamancers seem to follow the same pattern, but it may not be as distinct. I feel like that detail is really specific and I wonder if that's a clue Pullman knew what he was talking about.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.

My other head-mates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogChat | Yay!

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The only noticeable thing any of us has when we front is with Darlene; her trans-Atlantic snooty accent came through, and she couldn't help it. She might have been able to fix it given enough practice, but she hasn't fronted much in a long time and she only ever 'talked' a couple times. Joy and I were easily able to relax and not affect the body voice. Though Joy's rendition is curt and mine is loose, you probably would never notice and probably think Bear was in a mood (historically, that's not unexpected.)

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At pride club, the trans guys sat with all the lesbians, and the gay cis guys sat at another table. I was shocked. It's a pride club that's gender-segregated, all girls this side of the room, all guys that side of the room, no mixing, and even worse, trans guys were counted on the girl side!

 

Ember: In my first trans support group, I was usually the only MTF, so I became very familiar with and somewhat close to a bunch of FTMs. In every subsequent group after that one collapsed, FTMs were a tiny minority. And as soon as three of them showed up, you could almost forget about them talking to anyone else. Their fraternity was very tight knit, which I regretted, missing the connection with them I used to have.

 

My experience with transguys is that the ones with more girly speech and flamboyant presentation tend to be attracted to guys, while the ones attracted to women have a background in butch lesbian communities and have much more subdued voices and body language. But I have very little experience with trans minors.

 

I experience a more significant version of dormancy if I have been inactive for ~20 hours or so. I lose my ability to jump into the situation knowing everything, but I gain being able to rest and recharge.

 

Vesper: I don't think I've been inactive for a stretch as long as twenty hours my entire 2 1/2 years in this world, so I can't speak to that. But being active almost continuously was only burdensome and fatiguing during September and October of last year. Just body sleep is plenty restorative for me.

 

I'm going to have to call Ember.Vesper, chief researchers, for this one.

 

Ember: By the power of Wikipedia (and Google and the Wayback Machine), I have the power!

 

Daemons/daimons are benign spirits of nature in Greek and Roman mythology. The term goes back as far as Homer and Hesiod.

 

His Dark Materials is specifically based on inverting the values of Paradise Lost. Daemons were inspired by a popular portrait posing style contemporary to Paradise Lost, where the subject held an animal in their arms or on their lap.

 

But Pullman took the name and idea from Socrates, who talked about having a resident daimon who spoke to him and gave him advice all through his life.

 

https://web.archive.org/web/20080305011900/http://www.moreintelligentlife.com/node/697

 

I haven't come across any public statements of Pullman's on modern plurality in this world. But Dr. Marjorie Taylor's study showing that 92% of authors who have been writing at least five years experience at least one character displaying independent agency, it is extremely probable that he has personal experience with inner voices.

 

When asked why most but not all daemons are oppositely sexed, Pullman said, "There are plenty of things about my worlds I don’t know, and that’s one of them."

 

https://web.archive.org/web/20040329190613/http://www.avnet.co.uk/amaranth/Critic/ivpullman.htm

 

Computer daemons were named in back in the Sixties by computer researchers at MIT. They're named by analogy with Maxwell's Demon, who is, after all, a little guy who stays in the background quietly doing one specific task.

 

As an effort to protect myself from being reminded of tulpamancy, I played some devil's advocate and argued that traumatic systems may not consist of separate individuals.

 

Be very careful with that approach to not sow trouble for other people down the road. I'm reminded of the many prominent gay bashers who were subsequently outed as gay themselves.


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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By the power of Wikipedia (and Google and the Wayback Machine), I have the power!

 

That was much more fascinating than I thought. I guess it technically was a coincidence but not because he was respecting the source material?

 

Also bonus points lol, well done.

 

Be very careful with that approach to not sow trouble for other people down the road. I'm reminded of the many prominent gay bashers who were subsequently outed as gay themselves.

 

I only felt the need to do that in front of my mother. I doubt other people would care how we felt about DID unless we started talking about traumatic specific terminology and our knowledge beyond our intro to psychology class, that may make them ask questions. Still disappointed in the fact she's more receptive to believing in alters being separate personalities than Ranger, but it's easier to justify housing more than just you in the mind when you can't remember who said what when and have a clear trauma history. I know a lot of people are hesitant to say alters are separate people, but those who are supportive and believe alters are separate personalities are not going to be quick to call tulpas separate individuals too, sometimes feeling more justified to say tulpas are fake because the trauma history and amnesia are important.

 

For those who don't believe in tulpas/alters, I'm really curious what they would say make a person unique. In my intro to psychology class, they old me that personality is relatively consistent. Well, even in the same or similar contexts, Ranger and I don't do the same thing. If we're the same person, why do we act consistently differently? I can only think psychologists either have a really broad definition for "consistent and enduring" or they're wrong about personalities being locked into being consistent.

 

Done correctly or not, my merges with Ranger change a lot. It makes me feel like we could turn into a lot of different people, even if we can't turn into everyone. Is the fact that the cone exists in the first place part of what psychologists would call "consistent" or is it more specific than that?


Pretty much my main wonderland form minus the cat parts, that's a separate form. I'm not a hippo, I promise.

I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

 

My other Tulpas have their own account now.

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We need a poll on when it's alright to use';' It's ridiculous.


Hi! I'm one of the most active fronters of Unicorn Cavalry. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

My system mates on here: Kurisutina, Udongein, Xarbern

Cbox, the chill chat room

Our Journey (Messy PR)

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A semicolon is for when it could be two separate sentences but you've decided it won't be. A colon is for a list, or when something leads directly into something else, I guess

 

"I tried to do it alone; it didn't go well."

"That's what we did: fail miserably."

 

I use a dash - like this - pretty often, but often it's stylistically in place of a colon or semicolon just because I prefer it that way. I think the correct use is like that, to separate out a part of a sentence (that isn't entirely removed like parenthesis, though there's overlap there too) from the first and second half. Heck, even commas could be used there. Yeah, there's not much reason to use the - except for liking how it looks.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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