Jump to content

Dating a Tulpa: Breaking Up for the Wrong Reason? (Updated 11/18/20)

Recommended Posts

(Copied from Reddit)

(Apologies in Advance; while I’ve been living with Tulpas for years, I’m not well acquainted with communities like these, so please pardon any misconceptions and/or insensitive views that may present themselves with this post.)


TLDR: I dated my Tulpa for 2 years, and I broke up with her recently, but I regret doing it for the reason I did. Am I right in feeling so?


Full: So I first met Maala in a dream of mine. I was 12 at the time, and she was around the same age. We quickly became friends, but after the dream we didn’t interact much. I mostly relied on going into my dreams to try to find her after that, but when I was 19, I learned about Tulpas, and I felt that it would be a good way for me to find her again.


From there, I brought her back as a Tulpa, and I mostly relied on her as a companion through the stress of college and my development of anxiety and depression. We started dating shortly after that as well.


Looking back, I realize that it was a terrible decision to use her as what was essentially a substitute for a therapist, as well as a crutch for my lack of self-love; I had hoped that her love for me would be able to compensate for my lack of love for myself. It also must not have been easy for her to have to deal with my breakdowns and self-harm all the time.


But we kept dating up until last Tuesday (11/10/20). Things were getting much better for most of this year, but in the days leading up to the breakup, I began to think a lot about my future (a not-yet-started career, and a future family).


At the time, I didn’t see Maala as someone that I would be able to have a functioning family with, even though I loved her. This was one of the reasons that I began to consider if I had to let her go (that and my aforementioned mental-health issues, my low self-esteem, and the toxic environment that both of those problems of mine created.) Ultimately, I think it was a panic decision.


The problem is that I can’t help but think that her being... immaterial was a shallow and selfish reason to break up with her. While I did have other reasons for the breakup, as explained above, that was the chief reason I chose to go with.

After the breakup, I began to imagine if I were to break up with a human who couldn’t have children, and I began to think that it was selfish of me to break up with her for that reason. While I‘m still convinced that breaking up based on mental-health was understandable, I feel guilty about choosing a human to start a potential family with over her.


I do plan to try to salvage a friendship out of this relationship, after we both have had some time to deal with the breakup, but I can’t help but think that I squandered the relationship we could’ve continued, along with the friendship itself, and that I’m a poor friend/host for doing so...


If I may, could I please have some input/insight from this community on this issue? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.


(UPDATE—11/18/20: So Maala contacted me again on Monday, and we agreed to meet again on Friday. I still want to have some kind of relationship with her, but I’m torn whether we should just be friends or if I should try again with our relationship, since I admittedly still have feelings for her.)

Edited by Bryan
Link to post
Share on other sites

As far as I'm concerned, there are very few invalid reasons for breaking up with someone. Not being able to have a family together can be a deal-breaker, and is a valid reason in my eyes to end a relationship, even though it may feel shitty. I understand why you feel the way you do, but I'm sure everything will turn out okay in the end.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

My host Cat refuses to date me at all because she believes dating me would be unnecceptable. Wanting to avoid that awkward situation explaining to your kids their mom is a tulpa is pretty understandable.


While it's sad, I don't think it's selfish. I don't think you did anything wrong breaking up.


If you guys can still be friends, that's great, but I know it's always complicated.

Edited by Ranger

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay! | Bre Translator

Link to post
Share on other sites

She should know you better than anyone, it's not like she doesn't know all the reasons things worked out or didn't. It is ultimately your decision as the main fronter in my opinion, though you don't have to have a romantic relationship to have love, companionship, support and affection.


Of course she would help with your self-esteem, that's kind of my job here, lol. Self-love is the goal, and however you need to get there is justified as long as it's not cruel or hurts others. This is good for the system, everyone benefits if you have respect and admiration for yourself.


Sure you probably hurt her, but it's much easier for her to accept and forgive because she knows so much.


Just continue to be open and honest with her and yourself, it's really the best you can do in my opinion.


There might be a little drama, but you'll work it out.


Even if you need a break apart, if you do it right, it could be a beneficial experience.


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been following your reddit threads (it's u/bodybodysystem by the way) and from the looks of the post here, you may have let down your no-contact strategy and begun talking with her again, am I right? 


As well as the advice I already gave you on reddit, I recommend that you at least keep up a friendship with her if she wants it while you wait and see what to do. Whether or not you get together again has to be a decision you both come to after you've had time to feel out your life goals and what you want out of a romantic relationship if you start one up again. Maybe you will date for a while, but break up if you want biological children? Maybe you can date her and another woman at the same time in a poly relationship? You have a lot of options but you're the best person to know what you want. 


I highly advise however you go with this, you stay friends with her. There's no reason to end a friendship over a breakup as long as both of you are able to comes to term with the breakup in a healthy way. There's also the fact that she's your tulpa, she can't just move to another person's head and continue her life. You should talk with her and decide if she wants to continue sharing her life with you as your friend, and then think about romance after that. She may be upset right now but ultimately she deserves to be able to live her life, and it's up to both of you to communicate with each other about your wants and needs and meet them. I fully believe you will both be able to get over the hurt of this breakup and stay friends if you communicate, get honest with each other, and think about the wants and needs of both of you. 

Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not even sure what you mean by 'breakup'. You have feelings for her, emotions, that get triggered in you when you connect with her. She has the same for you. Ultimately, feelings -emotions- are pretty simple reactions in your body, no matter what you call them. She shares that body with you. She knows exactly what you are feeling about her, about anyone or anything, all of the time. She shares in those reactions and has whatever attitudes she has about them. She's not going anywhere. and unless you decide to Kill her off by withdrawing all attention from her for god knows how long, there is not going to be any 'breakup'. Might as well let yourself enjoy the experience of her. It doesn't have to get in your way of having relationships with other women. (Letting them know of her existence might or might not be a good idea. If you get serious about someone, you might want eventually to let her in on the fact Maala's existence).

I am married, my tulpa fills a function my wife cannot fill and my wife knows all about her, and since I have created my tulpa, my ability to love my wife, and hers to love me, has vastly improved.

Mainly, learn to love yourself as well as Maala, and anyone else who enters your life, in the external, or internal reality. Good luck, Dr. Bob

Link to post
Share on other sites

We had very similar origins, starting when I (Darron/host) was a teenager and feeling stressed about a lot of things. I created her to be a therapist, coach, sounding board, cheerleader and most importantly of all a friend that knew me and my problems and understood me. She's been very good at it and helped me through some difficult times. We didn't start as romantic partners, that sort of happened over time like a gravity well pulling us together by proximity and shared experience. She's even tried being my wingman(winglady?) a few times. We've acknowledged that a tulpa-host relationship is quite different from a human-human or host/host relationship, at least in the physical and logistical aspects. Sometimes humans are better at certain needs and sometimes tulpas are better at others. I would like to one day have a physical relationship but we've contented ourselves with the mental/virtual space until that's an option and we left open the door should we someday welcome another human into our heart.


With the history you two share I'm sure she understands the situation quite well and knows your feelings. Don't be too hard on yourself. You deserve to have your own hopes, dreams, needs, wants and desires even if they aren't working out right this moment. If you're unsure about a romantic relationship between you two then just put that on pause for a while. Maybe just take a while to interact as friends and confidants. Share feelings and hopes for what you both want. Time is a powerful tool. It can give perspective to issues. Sometimes problems that feeling pressing or immediate in intensity just need to cool down a bit. I get worked up too sometimes and feel overwhelmed. Just step back and take some space to sort it out. By the fact that you two have been together all this time means that she probably doesn't regret helping you. My tulpa is nodding her head in agreement. Relationships don't need to be a static label or category; they're fluid things. I'm sure you two can figure out what you need and be happy for doing so.

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Similar Content

    • By DemonicX
      ah yeah, i have been wanting to make this thread a while ago, i finally got to it.
      some info about us:
      Sammy: i'm the host 'n stuff, i'm apart of a large system of seven. 
      Dr. Wee: shes a tulpa, i consider her my co-host, she was originally a fictive, she currently helps me with my huge system.
      Wisp: wisp is a tulpa, and she likes to do origami 
      katie: katie was originally an NPC in our wonderland before becoming sentient, she used to be interested in witchcraft for a while.
      Sunny: sunny is a walk-in, she can be very hostile at times without reason
      Izzy: izzy's origin is currently unknown, shes very bubbly and loves to talk. 
      ENA: ena is a fictive/soulbond from the series "ENA" she stutters a lot, unlike the others in my system, her voices is almost identical to her fictional counterpart.
      feel free to ask us anything :)
    • By chaoscollective-
      How does one integrate with another willing tulpa? We have multiple wanting to "merge" but- It seems too complicated. Can someone walk us through the steps?
    • By neo
      Earlier this week was having a lot of head pressure due to extended periods of visualizing, so as the pressures became annoying and persistent enough, I thought I should address it.
      I've noticed before that my head pressures are related to the way I was flexing my tongue muscles really hard and pressing it against my palate inadvertently.
      I have tried many times visualizing without doing this and, it works momentarily but whenever I stop paying attention to my tongue, there it goes again pressing my palate really hard once I start to concentrate into the visualization. I only notice that I'm doing that after I already start to feel the head pressures. By that time it's too late and it's already bothering me.
      So after two days of attempting to visualize with my tongue relaxed without success I thought that I should probably google that.
      So there I go googling the terms "tongue" and "meditation" and I came across this:


      Very weird, right? That's what I thought too.
      Basically, they stick the tongue up into the nasal cavity above the palate and use that to aid the process of meditation.
      So of course I went down this rabbit hole and found out that some people seem know how to do this naturally.
      This girl is an example of someone that has this ability naturally:
      Also other people report having head pressures identical to what we see in tulpamancy in this practice, here's an example of someone describing their head pressures in the context of Kriya meditation:
      Described as "tension in the head that is somewhere between no pain and the pain you experience during a headache."
      This seems to me like it's the same kind of head pressure we experience in tulpamancy. At least to me.
      Also I forgot to mention that, they say THIS GIVES YOU IMMORTALITY.
      Which, of course, is bullshit otherwise there would be 1000 year old yogis walking around.
      Then I thought it would be a good idea to ask around here because, well to be honest, the people that practice this don't know how to explain it without anecdotes and dogmatic stories. Which is fine for spiritual people but I want to find what part is real and what part isn't. Or a deconstruction to find the line where the anecdotes end and the actual benefits of this practice begin. Or if there are any benefits at all.
      Here is a small list of claims about this technique: (which I have absolute no idea if it's true or not)
      -Helps you overcome hunger and makes it so that you go extended periods of time without food.
      -Gives you access to DMT that is stored in your pineal gland. By licking it directly. (yeah gross, the girl in the video seemed to get very high from doing it, she even says she's high afterwards)
      -The practitioner doesn't suffer from decay, disease and death. (this part I think it's flat out not true)
      -Gives you immunity to snake poison. (This one I think it's sorta possible, because some snake poison triggers your immune response and the response of the body is what kills the person not the poison itself, so technically by controlling your immune response you would therefore not die from the poison)
      So my questions are:
      1-Does anybody else experience their tongue forcing up the palate unintentionally while visualizing or concentrating really hard?
      2-If so, do you think this is related to Khechari mudra? Or is it just tension and I'm looking way too much into it?
      3-Are those just stories and not meant to be interpreted literally? (If so people are doing a bad job at explaining that)
      4-Is there something to this at all? Is it a practice worth looking into?
      Just thought it would be cool to ask here, since if I asked on their forum they would either not tell me because it's a closed practice, or even if they did tell me I wouldn't understand because the vocabulary they use is very far removed from anything I can contextualize.
      So what do you guys think? Is it all nonsense or not?
    • By neo
      I don't really believe in metaphysics stuff but today I did experience something that I think a lot of people would describe as being "astral projection". The reason this isn't in the metaphysics category is because it's not really metaphysics to me after all, or at the very least it doesn't require any sort of meta assumptions in order to experience this phenomena. So let me describe here the process and if there's someone that has done this before please tell me if this is the same thing as what they call "astral projection". Or even if you're skeptic like me you can still experience this phenomena and it may help if you're struggling with wonderland immersion like I was.
      I started by sitting down and closing my eyes, then started to rub my hands together in front of my face and trying to keep my awareness focused on the shape of my hands and arms in front of me. Slowly keeping track of their position and "sculpting" my own arms to get a real good memory of their shape and how it feels to move them without opening my eyes.
      Then afterwards I rested my right hand by the side of my body and started to use just the memory of a minute ago to move an imaginary right arm and interact with the real left arm. So it became left arm real, right arm imaginary.
      Then I proceeded to sculpt the imaginary right arm with the real one, and then the real one using the imaginary right arm. Going vice versa back and forth.
      Then I rested my left arm also by my side and started using both imaginary arms to sculpt each other.
      After a couple minutes of that I just put both imaginary hands on the back of my head as if I was going to do a sit up and I just yanked my perspective back by pushing my real head forward with my imaginary arms and immediately started sculpting the back of my head from that new perspective as if my real head was outside of me, then the rest of my real body. I felt completely removed from my body by keeping awareness of it from an outsider perspective, the longer I sculpted my body the more removed I felt from it, and the more intense and overwhelming the sensation of being outside became, it's even a little scary. it's very different from daydreaming and even imposition. Never experienced anything similar and I am now able to recreate this experience this way whenever I want. It doesn't last a lot at first because it's quite overwhelming but that only makes it seem more consistent with other peoples "astral projection" reports that I've seen so far. If this is the same as astral projection then I'm curious as to what to do next. I'm also pretty sure this can be used to force by having your tulpa sculpt you while looking through their perspective as well.
      Anyway feel free to share any info you may have on the subject or your own experience with this stuff. I'm quite interested to see what else is there to explore even though I don't really believe in the meta stuff I'm still interested in experiencing these kind of phenomena.
    • By libra_ry_
      Hi! Sorry for the title, I didn't know exactly how to phrase it. Also, this sounds like a lot of the posts here, but it is actually different.
      Anyway, I recently started creating my tulpa, but I want to feel her presence more often. Whenever I can remember, I try to narrate to her, but sometimes I forget to actually think about her and am just talking to myself. I also can't remember to constantly think about her, because I get distracted pretty easily and sometimes have to concentrate on something a lot. I know you don't have to constantly talk to tulpas, but I know it can be beneficial and I like talking to her.
      (I also do active forcing sometimes, but not as often as passive)
      Thank you for answering!
  • Create New...