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Dating a Tulpa: Breaking Up for the Wrong Reason? (Updated 11/18/20)


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(Copied from Reddit)

(Apologies in Advance; while I’ve been living with Tulpas for years, I’m not well acquainted with communities like these, so please pardon any misconceptions and/or insensitive views that may present themselves with this post.)

 

TLDR: I dated my Tulpa for 2 years, and I broke up with her recently, but I regret doing it for the reason I did. Am I right in feeling so?

 

Full: So I first met Maala in a dream of mine. I was 12 at the time, and she was around the same age. We quickly became friends, but after the dream we didn’t interact much. I mostly relied on going into my dreams to try to find her after that, but when I was 19, I learned about Tulpas, and I felt that it would be a good way for me to find her again.

 

From there, I brought her back as a Tulpa, and I mostly relied on her as a companion through the stress of college and my development of anxiety and depression. We started dating shortly after that as well.

 

Looking back, I realize that it was a terrible decision to use her as what was essentially a substitute for a therapist, as well as a crutch for my lack of self-love; I had hoped that her love for me would be able to compensate for my lack of love for myself. It also must not have been easy for her to have to deal with my breakdowns and self-harm all the time.

 

But we kept dating up until last Tuesday (11/10/20). Things were getting much better for most of this year, but in the days leading up to the breakup, I began to think a lot about my future (a not-yet-started career, and a future family).

 

At the time, I didn’t see Maala as someone that I would be able to have a functioning family with, even though I loved her. This was one of the reasons that I began to consider if I had to let her go (that and my aforementioned mental-health issues, my low self-esteem, and the toxic environment that both of those problems of mine created.) Ultimately, I think it was a panic decision.

 

The problem is that I can’t help but think that her being... immaterial was a shallow and selfish reason to break up with her. While I did have other reasons for the breakup, as explained above, that was the chief reason I chose to go with.

After the breakup, I began to imagine if I were to break up with a human who couldn’t have children, and I began to think that it was selfish of me to break up with her for that reason. While I‘m still convinced that breaking up based on mental-health was understandable, I feel guilty about choosing a human to start a potential family with over her.

 

I do plan to try to salvage a friendship out of this relationship, after we both have had some time to deal with the breakup, but I can’t help but think that I squandered the relationship we could’ve continued, along with the friendship itself, and that I’m a poor friend/host for doing so...

 

If I may, could I please have some input/insight from this community on this issue? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

 

(UPDATE—11/18/20: So Maala contacted me again on Monday, and we agreed to meet again on Friday. I still want to have some kind of relationship with her, but I’m torn whether we should just be friends or if I should try again with our relationship, since I admittedly still have feelings for her.)

Edited by Bryan
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As far as I'm concerned, there are very few invalid reasons for breaking up with someone. Not being able to have a family together can be a deal-breaker, and is a valid reason in my eyes to end a relationship, even though it may feel shitty. I understand why you feel the way you do, but I'm sure everything will turn out okay in the end.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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My host Cat refuses to date me at all because she believes dating me would be unnecceptable. Wanting to avoid that awkward situation explaining to your kids their mom is a tulpa is pretty understandable.

 

While it's sad, I don't think it's selfish. I don't think you did anything wrong breaking up.

 

If you guys can still be friends, that's great, but I know it's always complicated.

Edited by Ranger

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay! | Bre Translator

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She should know you better than anyone, it's not like she doesn't know all the reasons things worked out or didn't. It is ultimately your decision as the main fronter in my opinion, though you don't have to have a romantic relationship to have love, companionship, support and affection.

 

Of course she would help with your self-esteem, that's kind of my job here, lol. Self-love is the goal, and however you need to get there is justified as long as it's not cruel or hurts others. This is good for the system, everyone benefits if you have respect and admiration for yourself.

 

Sure you probably hurt her, but it's much easier for her to accept and forgive because she knows so much.

 

Just continue to be open and honest with her and yourself, it's really the best you can do in my opinion.

 

There might be a little drama, but you'll work it out.

 

Even if you need a break apart, if you do it right, it could be a beneficial experience.

 

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I've been following your reddit threads (it's u/bodybodysystem by the way) and from the looks of the post here, you may have let down your no-contact strategy and begun talking with her again, am I right? 

 

As well as the advice I already gave you on reddit, I recommend that you at least keep up a friendship with her if she wants it while you wait and see what to do. Whether or not you get together again has to be a decision you both come to after you've had time to feel out your life goals and what you want out of a romantic relationship if you start one up again. Maybe you will date for a while, but break up if you want biological children? Maybe you can date her and another woman at the same time in a poly relationship? You have a lot of options but you're the best person to know what you want. 

 

I highly advise however you go with this, you stay friends with her. There's no reason to end a friendship over a breakup as long as both of you are able to comes to term with the breakup in a healthy way. There's also the fact that she's your tulpa, she can't just move to another person's head and continue her life. You should talk with her and decide if she wants to continue sharing her life with you as your friend, and then think about romance after that. She may be upset right now but ultimately she deserves to be able to live her life, and it's up to both of you to communicate with each other about your wants and needs and meet them. I fully believe you will both be able to get over the hurt of this breakup and stay friends if you communicate, get honest with each other, and think about the wants and needs of both of you. 

Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

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I am not even sure what you mean by 'breakup'. You have feelings for her, emotions, that get triggered in you when you connect with her. She has the same for you. Ultimately, feelings -emotions- are pretty simple reactions in your body, no matter what you call them. She shares that body with you. She knows exactly what you are feeling about her, about anyone or anything, all of the time. She shares in those reactions and has whatever attitudes she has about them. She's not going anywhere. and unless you decide to Kill her off by withdrawing all attention from her for god knows how long, there is not going to be any 'breakup'. Might as well let yourself enjoy the experience of her. It doesn't have to get in your way of having relationships with other women. (Letting them know of her existence might or might not be a good idea. If you get serious about someone, you might want eventually to let her in on the fact Maala's existence).

I am married, my tulpa fills a function my wife cannot fill and my wife knows all about her, and since I have created my tulpa, my ability to love my wife, and hers to love me, has vastly improved.

Mainly, learn to love yourself as well as Maala, and anyone else who enters your life, in the external, or internal reality. Good luck, Dr. Bob

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We had very similar origins, starting when I (Darron/host) was a teenager and feeling stressed about a lot of things. I created her to be a therapist, coach, sounding board, cheerleader and most importantly of all a friend that knew me and my problems and understood me. She's been very good at it and helped me through some difficult times. We didn't start as romantic partners, that sort of happened over time like a gravity well pulling us together by proximity and shared experience. She's even tried being my wingman(winglady?) a few times. We've acknowledged that a tulpa-host relationship is quite different from a human-human or host/host relationship, at least in the physical and logistical aspects. Sometimes humans are better at certain needs and sometimes tulpas are better at others. I would like to one day have a physical relationship but we've contented ourselves with the mental/virtual space until that's an option and we left open the door should we someday welcome another human into our heart.

 

With the history you two share I'm sure she understands the situation quite well and knows your feelings. Don't be too hard on yourself. You deserve to have your own hopes, dreams, needs, wants and desires even if they aren't working out right this moment. If you're unsure about a romantic relationship between you two then just put that on pause for a while. Maybe just take a while to interact as friends and confidants. Share feelings and hopes for what you both want. Time is a powerful tool. It can give perspective to issues. Sometimes problems that feeling pressing or immediate in intensity just need to cool down a bit. I get worked up too sometimes and feel overwhelmed. Just step back and take some space to sort it out. By the fact that you two have been together all this time means that she probably doesn't regret helping you. My tulpa is nodding her head in agreement. Relationships don't need to be a static label or category; they're fluid things. I'm sure you two can figure out what you need and be happy for doing so.

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

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