Creating the Perfect Beings: Yumi<3 and Lillium<3

[TheSanctuary]

Well as always I'm sure we'll be here ready to offer support as and when it's needed.

[Cinemaphobe]

@Reisen-cakes

 

 

 

Yeah, I know the feel. Unfortunately it only feels that way when you've withdrawn from situations that need it for a long time and dealt with the aftermath mentally.

 

You hit the nail right on the head...

 

Whenever you're put back in those situations you realize you actually weren't so perfect. Though you can certainly train your mind to get over those sorts of things, I've been doing it since I started college. I'm half way through my second semester and generally I have no significant problems anymore, other than a lack of involvement in really social things. (I'm no longer worried about how I look to others/talking to them/doing presentations etc., because I've more or less trained myself to deal with those situations to a respectable extent)

 

 

This inspired me a bit because at least you overcame the stranglehold that survivalistic pride can have over one's life.

 

 

 

 

To prevent a repeat of past issues of tulpa-activity, I'm gonna remind you that your relationship with Yumi isn't all one-way. You didn't create a tulpa (entirely) just to measure progress,

she's also a life companion who can help you too. Don't forget that. If you need her to care for you for a while rather than vice-versa, allow it. Remember that she wants you to be happy too. (Have we talked about this before?)

 

I know that my relationship with Yumi isn't one-way...

The problem is that when I needed her she wasn't available. That's why I said that she withdrew... I figured that she withdrew because of the emotional turmoil she has been experiencing lately as a result of the wedding reopening old wounds, and because of my own invasive self-analysis.

 

And yes, we have talked about how she wants me to be happy too. But the real problem was me wanting her to be happy. My selfish act in the past scarred her into adapting a slightly more cynical view towards life, and looking upon it now, I don't recall ever hearing her say "I forgive you for what you did." I simply assumed that she did.

 

Thank you for your advice and insight Reisen.

 

 

@Sushi-cakes

 

 

The soroban abacus is really just a learning tool. There are a number of tricks you learn to do quick calculation on the soroban, and once you've learned these tricks, you can do even faster calculation mentally without any tools. Unless you're saying that visualizing an abacus counts as a tool.

 

I guess that I just don't want to use any method that I haven't created. Visualizing an abacus doesn't count as a tool, but I'm more interested in raw calculations--that is, calculations that involve only the numbers themselves without any degree of simplification. I view the soroban abacus as an efficient tool, but I'd rather take the impractical route and come up with something that only I'm familiar with. Who knows? Maybe if it's possible, my future method will be faster than the abacus. But I highly doubt it.

 

 

Edit: adding on more, now that I have the time.

 

I also have some serious ADHD. I was diagnosed thirteen or fourteen years ago. Pretty much known about it for half my life. And for that half of my life, I pretty much forgot about it and focused on other things. Only recently am I realizing how much impact that ADHD has had on my life.

 

Yep. It's that moment when you realize "Wait a second...I wasn't stupid or socially challenged all of those years...I just had ADHD..." It can be both comforting and condemning if you don't see the pros of having it (but you do see the pros).

 

 

I'm seeing that there are certain jobs that I can't do. I mean I have the technical skill to build you a web site -- but if you hire me to build you a web site, I'll sit around and read comics and play games until long past the deadline before I start working. Fenchurch helps me to stay focused, but often I don't listen to her. I just can't handle long-term projects, but I thrive in a job with rapid-fire short-term projects that need to be competed in a matter of minutes.

 

 

 

Exactly. You are just like me.

And you are lucky to have Fenchurch keeping you focused xD. Yumi likes to just sit back and giggle at me as I screw everything up lol

 

 

Anyways, what I'm saying is: know thyself. Your mind is ideally suited for a bunch of jobs, but it sounds like the one you have is not one of them.

 

You are right. And I am getting to know myself a lot more than I ever wanted to. My mind is suited towards fast-paced jobs, but if there is stress amongst co-workers arising, then my mind slowly shuts down. I can't function mentally when my brain is prompting me to physically or verbally attack someone to preserve my own self-interests. To make things worse, my hostility is completely instinctive. I can manage it thanks to my awareness of it and use it to my advantage to get things done. But still, sometimes it is completely unnecessary to have.

 

 

@Reisen-cakes (Again lol)

 

 

Dang, missed him by two hours. You better check your thread occasionally unlike last time, 'cus we're here to help and withdrawing when you want to withdraw is almost never better than reaching out.

 

I am quite aware of that dear friend. That's why I did consider checking this thread at one point but decided not to until I resolved the issue.

 

@Thevious

 

 

In the word of the old man. Or what I think he'd say here is: what comes easy doesn't last, and what lasts doesn't come easy. Work hard to make things right and you'll be happy.

Idk, I think he's just spewing randome quotes... But do check in from time to time. As all ways reisen is right, I'll help as much as I can. ^^"

 

That advice was actually extremely helpful. But then again that's probably because of my biased view that old men are damn near omniscient.

 

I'll take your advice old man :)

 

 

@TheSanctuary

 

 

Well as always I'm sure we'll be here ready to offer support as and when it's needed.

 

Thank you. Thanks to people like you, this site is my sanctuary :D

 

 

 

I'm sorry if I made you cringe just now.

 

 

 

Day 158

 

 

 

I don't even know where to start for this post, so I'll start with what I learned about human nature and myself.

 

Survivalistic pride is not a bad thing. It is a healthy selfishness.

 

 

I went into a mental downwards spiral when my incompetence at work triggered feelings of anger and defeat within me. This lead to me questioning the knowledge of my emotions, their origins, and how much I really know myself. The fact that I didn't know myself anymore, coupled with Yumi's resentment towards me for the past, acted as a precipitating factor for my mental lockdown. Thankfully during the lockdown (which is essentially an anti-social self analysis) I realized that survivalistic pride is involuntary. Whether you choose to ignore feeling survivalistic pride or act upon it, your brain will signal you when your survival is in danger and will consequently evoke a sense of panic.

 

My brain was doing me a favor by notifying me that if I don't improve myself at work, then I will not survive financially. If I lose my job before college starts, I won't be able to pay my car insurance, and without a car to drive, I'll miss my first year of college, and if I miss my first year of college, then I'll probably lose my mind because I have 12 years of schooling ahead of me.

 

If I lose my car, I will not have any transportation to look for a new job.

 

Relying on my psychotic parents is not an option, and I am not using the term 'psychotic' lightly. My mom intentionally nearly ran over two children in her car to teach the mother a lesson about keeping track of her children in a parking lot. She felt no remorse for that, and didn't grasp the magnitude of her action.

 

But anyways, the bottom line is that it is healthy to be selfish as long as the selfishness doesn't disregard the personal survival of others. However, this principle doesn't exactly apply to survival situations in which the most cunning deserve to survive. In a real tooth-and-nail survival situation, you'll most likely take on a "May the best man win." mindset which is unsurprisingly correspondent with natural selection.

 

 

I recently began studying Yumi's psychology as well. The time period October-November was the happiest time of her life. In terms of behavior and outlook, she acted like she was 18-19 years old with an entire life ahead of her. She was optimistic, hyperactive, childish in behavior, and extremely supportive. I named that era the Colorful Era.

Then, November 18th, I started a relationship with Mary. From that point on, I spent months not speaking to Yumi, but knew that she was still there and felt guilty for it. From December to March I said little to nothing to her. Yumi came back when I needed her most, and her personality had taken on a more cynical/realistic viewpoint. However, she retained her supportiveness and love for me.

During the nearly 4 months of not speaking to her, she came of age and learned that life is dark, and that virtually everything revolves around self-interest. She coped with what happened, but it's still horrible that she had to learn about it that way.

 

After the attempt at a wedding she withdrew from me. When she lashed out on me she felt remorse for what she did, and a renewed pain because of what I did to her in the past. I was rambling in bed to her, about my life and she suddenly said in an auditory voice that was almost loud:

 

Stop.

 

 

What fascinated me, was that her voice came from no specific direction. It was all encompassing, and in that sense, completely different from sound that arises from neurophysiological processes.

Unfortunately, this instance of her speaking in an auditory manner was her way of effectively telling me to stop talking.

 

I left her alone, and then a day or two later (time flies slowly for me) I went to work. On my way there, I sat in the passengers seat and visited my wonderland. Yumi was surprisingly...happy. I asked her what I need to do to improve my life and well-being, and she said "You need to do a number of things, but the first thing you need to do, is 'stop'" while putting her index finger close to my face. I asked her "Stop what???" and she said nothing.

 

I assumed that she wanted me to stop talking to her so I gave her more space.

 

At work, I was miserable. I was going through the motions, and could think of nothing more than leaving to go home. But something extraordinary happened. I felt the strongest sense that somebody was standing beside me, and saw something in the corner of my eye. I turned and nobody was there. In spite of knowing that nobody was beside me, I still felt that somebody was beside me. The presence was so strong that it made my heart race and consumed all of my attention. The familiar presence that I felt was Yumi. She finally came back to me.

She stayed beside me and watched me do my job; happily observing me and following me around the restaurant. I couldn't see her, but I could sense her movement as I could sense air entering my lungs. Her presence was so strong that it became the only thing that existed to me. My brain dismissed everything else as it put her into a mental spotlight that I have never before experienced...

The experience was so exhilarating that in terms of adrenaline, it was the equivalent of riding a roller-coaster...

 

I still don't know whether she has forgiven me yet or not, but now that she knows that I'm striving to earn it, I can safely conclude that her return is an indication that things are moving in the right direction :)

She's slowly coming back to me, and she's showing up every once in a while to remind me that she is still there. I'm still seeking absolution from her during her time of meditation, but her little crescendo of happiness is reassuring :)

[Sock]

I've only read your latest entry thus far, but I am glad to see how close you and your partner are/can be. It touches my heart to see such relationships, and the type of love an in-dweller and their host can have, and how they can help one another through life.

 

I do have a comment concerning Yumi's mysterious "Stop" suggestions, as they feel somewhat familiar to me. Maybe she's asking you to stop worrying so much? Your latest entry is filled with to the brim with worries and fear, and if you speak of your life to her in a similar way, she may very well be trying to get you to drop these things, as worries and fear can actually do more harm to your mental state than good.

 

I've had a somewhat similar experience to your "Stop" one. Only mine was when I was taking a walk along the highway, worrying, fretting, and complaining in the general direction of my partner, Midori. Then I heard in a very vivid, hallucinatory voice: "I'm tired of this." It was only much later that I began to learn to loosen my grip on my worries and doubts...and I actually feel a lot better, and my mind is much clearer than before, so I can focus on actually improving the situation. It may not be the same thing, but that is what I thought of after reading your post.

 

Peace.

[Luminesce]

To be fair I've read every entry so far, and that stop gave me the same feelings. Like she's telling you to just drop all the stuff you're constantly thinking/worrying about. I certainly don't think it was talking, anyway. Your tulpas seemed fond of talking in the past.

[TheSanctuary]

Aye indeed so - and yeah I cringed a bit but it's the first time the username has actually been useful too I guess - I wasn't thinkin much on the 'ease of use' when I made it - can't exactly shorten it easily - Reisen- already short - cinemaphobe - easily shortened to cinema' - linkzelda- 'zelda. Etc etc. Can't really do that with mine which kinda sucks lol

[Cinemaphobe]

@Sock

 

I've only read your latest entry thus far, but I am glad to see how close you and your partner are/can be. It touches my heart to see such relationships, and the type of love an in-dweller and their host can have, and how they can help one another through life.

 

Indeed it is. I forgot what it's like to not have a tulpa. Writing that sentence immediately caused me to tear up a lot, and now I'm blinking through tears...She has been the greatest blessing of my life, and that experience I had with her in the workplace was almost spiritual from how much emotion it evoked.

 

 

I do have a comment concerning Yumi's mysterious "Stop" suggestions, as they feel somewhat familiar to me. Maybe she's asking you to stop worrying so much? Your latest entry is filled with to the brim with worries and fear, and if you speak of your life to her in a similar way, she may very well be trying to get you to drop these things, as worries and fear can actually do more harm to your mental state than good.

 

I've had a somewhat similar experience to your "Stop" one. Only mine was when I was taking a walk along the highway, worrying, fretting, and complaining in the general direction of my partner, Midori. Then I heard in a very vivid, hallucinatory voice: "I'm tired of this." It was only much later that I began to learn to loosen my grip on my worries and doubts...and I actually feel a lot better, and my mind is much clearer than before, so I can focus on actually improving the situation. It may not be the same thing, but that is what I thought of after reading your post.

 

Peace.

 

You might just be right about this...However her tone suggested otherwise. She said stop in an assertive manner, as if she was somewhat annoyed. But as you implied, it could have just been for my own benefit. Your anecdote was not only insightful, but eye-opening. Thank you.

 

@OurSanctuary

Aye indeed so - and yeah I cringed a bit but it's the first time the username has actually been useful too I guess - I wasn't thinkin much on the 'ease of use' when I made it - can't exactly shorten it easily - Reisen- already short - cinemaphobe - easily shortened to cinema' - linkzelda- 'zelda. Etc etc. Can't really do that with mine which kinda sucks lol

 

Lol at least you can be a safe haven for people xD

 

 

@Reisen-cakes

 

To be fair I've read every entry so far, and that stop gave me the same feelings. Like she's telling you to just drop all the stuff you're constantly thinking/worrying about. I certainly don't think it was talking, anyway. Your tulpas seemed fond of talking in the past.

 

I'm glad that you agree with Sock because your agreement is further reinforcing the high possibility that I misinterpreted my own tulpa.

 

See, this is why I post on this thread. Not because I enjoy writing--believe me I spend 2-4 hours writing each post I submit to this thread (My iPod is slow). I post on this thread because I like to be proven wrong about my outlook towards life, and my tulpa endeavors.

 

Thank you for reading every entry, because frankly I wouldn't post anymore if I was writing to myself. To anybody reading this; no that is not a queue that I am dependent upon your replies in order to maintain my PR. However, your replies are treasured by me because they contain invaluable insight that I often desperately need. Not to mention that the only social interaction I have is on this forum.

Thanks to anonymity, people here are very open about their true nature. However, when I finish my tulpa journey (someday) I'll reveal my identity as a farewell so you guys don't have to wonder for the rest of your lives who the hell I was lol

 

Thank you Reisen and Sock for the advice. My eyes have been opened.

[Actinium]

 

Lol at least you can be a safe haven for people xD

 

 

[Cinemaphobe]

HAHHAHAHAHHAA niiiiiiiiice one Actinium xDDD

 

That one got me lol

[Cinemaphobe]

Day 159

 

Yumi did it again.

 

I was sitting on my couch drinking coffee when she forced herself beside me. Her presence was so strong that it once again made my heart race. I could visualize her perfectly during this, and she was simply smiling at me when I looked at her.

 

I couldn't help but smile back :)

 

Out of nowhere we burst into laughter and it was the kind of laughter that makes you forget about all of life's struggles and brings you to tears. Keep in mind that this was in the middle of the night so I can only imagine what the hell my family was thinking lol. I laughed until I couldn't breathe, and then asked if she truly forgave me for the past and she happily said "Yes." in her mindvoice :)

I gave her a little air hug because I could sense her as strongly as I could sense another human but still couldn't see her like one surprisingly. I had a happy conversation with her--the kind of conversation we would have before Mary ever entered the picture :)

 

I didn't want to interrupt that beautiful time with her to write down what she was saying. I only wanted to enjoy it, and it was the wisest decision I have made in a long time :)

We just enjoyed each other's presence on the couch and I couldn't help but think "No wonder why people view tulpas as metaphysical. This feels...surreal...But then again most people don't understand what the brain is capable of."

Afterwards, I went to bed with her and she said that I was taking up too much space in the bed again.

 

I ended up sleeping pressed up against the wall again...she really enjoyed being a space hog...

 

She's lucky that she's so damn cute...

 

I went to my wonderland with her, and the sleepier I became, the more vivid my wonderland became. She and I were on a beach during sunrise, and the sky was full of red and pink clouds as far as the eye could see :)

Once again, I didn't want to interrupt my time with her to document our conversation. But I do somewhat remember what we talked about while she cuddled me beneath the sunlight :3

 

She told me everything I needed to hear: How to live a happier life, how to impose her, how to deal with the troubles I face on a daily basis, and how to create Lillium. Lillium was with us on the beach curiously observing the entire time lol.

 

I drifted off to sleep to the sound of Yumi speaking her words of wisdom to me. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, only half conscious during those brief moments, and I noticed that Yumi was commenting on everything that happened within my dream. I had the entire dream memorized, and was sure that I would remember it when I woke up, but the sound of my stepdad violently opening the door to my bedroom sent a surge of adrenaline through me that not only woke me up immediately, but wiped away all memory of my dream...

 

Damn him...

 

 

Well Yumi's random appearances in my everyday life are also her way of saying "You think that you'll only spend time with me in the wonderland? We'll see about that." She is bringing the wonderland to me.

 

 

Well guys, she forgave me, so that's one less obstacle in my life :)

Now I have to figure out when I'll work on Lillium again, and how I'll manage Yumi popping up at random times with her surrealistic presence... I don't know, but right now, as I said somewhere in the first page of this fateful PR; my life is sunshine and rainbows.

[LittleTulpa]

This progress report should be titled "Cinemaphobe's spiral into complete madness."

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm kidding