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Solve the above with troll science


Quetzal the furdragon
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I use the shark fins to make it look cooler.

A cooler car means I look hotter.

Heat moves molecules faster.

By being hot, my car is now faster. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

You're on the plank of a pirate ship and being forced to jump in. But, in your pocket you have a gameboy and some 5 gum. How do you get out of it?

 

  • Sit on the side of the plank.
  • Put the gum on your shoes.
  • Hop off.
  • Your shoes will now stick to the surface of the water, preventing you from sinking.
  • Walk home.

 

Bonus: you now know how it feels to chew 5 gum.

 

Your helicopter is losing altitude quickly, and you are above a forest.

You have a comb, a magnifying glass, a melted stick of butter in your pocket, and a hula hoop.

 

How do you live through the situation?

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Simple: When you are about 4-5 meters above the trees, hook the hula-hoop on the landing gear for the helicopter, then throw yourself out so that you swing around and up, thereby reducing your speed to near zero and landing softly in the trees. Gather some sticks/tinder/logs and set them on fire with the magnifying glass. Comb your hair into a blanket to make smoke sigals to call for help. Eat the butter while you wait to be rescued.

 

You have three people pointing guns at you who are authorized to kill you. You have two horseshoe magnets, a ball of string, you are wearing a tie, and you're on a flashy dance floor (like this one:

). How do you survive? Bonus points: Kill all three then bring them back.

I don't visit as often as I used to. If you want me to see something, make sure to quote a post of mine or ping me @jean-luc

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Use the string to tie together the magnets and use them like a set of bolas. My flashy tie is waved in the other hand to blind them with the light and shit. They will either be killed by a giant magnet to the head, or distracted long enough to get away (how the fuck did this even happen?)

 

You're sitting on a toilet, but realize you have no toilet paper... IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM. You have a top hat and an iPhone 6.

"Try to get a better understanding of things before making your judgement." -Khan, Metro 2033

 

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1. Shit

2. Shit harder

3. Shit harder

4. Collect so much that it collapses into a black hole.

5. Use the black hole to travel forward in time to when amazon drone delivery finally gets implemented. Order some toilet paper and have it sent express to your stall.

 

You've just been pushed off a very tall building. You have the clothes you are wearing, 3 pennies, a studio condensor microphone, a smartphone, and you have a cold. Survive.

I don't visit as often as I used to. If you want me to see something, make sure to quote a post of mine or ping me @jean-luc

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Easy. Use a smartphone app for making parachutes out of thin air.

 

You're about to be eaten by weird alien-dog hybrids. Escape. You have a quarter and a computer science degree.

Tulpas:

Melody - Creation Date: October 21st, 2014

Pumpkin - Creation Date: January 2015

 

my mastodon - my other mastodon

We're gonna try to post more often, but you know, no promises or whatever.

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With my degree I quickly assemble a basic computer (think Rasberry Pi). I then proceed to use my computer to play my mixtape. The heat of my fire is so intense it melts the dog hybrids. I then use the quarter to buy a bouncy ball. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

You are being chased by the Yeti in the Himalayan mountains and an avalanche is coming behind both of you. Searching your jacket you find a spoon, a plastic phone case, a flip flop, and a cool t-shirt with those three wolves.

"Try to get a better understanding of things before making your judgement." -Khan, Metro 2033

 

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Throw the spoon behind me. The sparkling metal causes the Yeti to turn, evidently being buried by the avalanche. Tie the t-shirt to the zipline leading down the mountain, glide to safety. Trade the flip flop and phone case for some hot chocolate.

 

You are playing a round of basketball with your local team. Suddenly, the ceiling begins to fall. You have a basketball, a water bottle, and a dog biscuit. How do you save yourself and the team?

Tulpa: Len

Form: Kagamine Len

Recent accomplishment: just begun!

 

He has variations to Kagamine Len (he is just Len), such as usually wearing some form of cat ears (whether it be a headband or on his white hoodie), etc.

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Simple. I don't play basketball. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

How do you get to work with only 5 minutes left, and 4 miles away? You have $1.32 and a hot pocket along with a souvenir penny.

"Try to get a better understanding of things before making your judgement." -Khan, Metro 2033

 

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The insides of HotPocket™ wrappings are metal foil. I have change in metal coins. When metal rubs against other metal, it creates sparks. Sparks means heat. Heat causes things to move faster. I use the sparks to propel myself faster and faster to work. I am a god.

 

You're locked in an escape pod hundreds of thousands of kilometers above the earth, in orbit. You don't have a space suit. You DO have plastic wrap, a basketball, five inches of tape, and a hamster, however. How do you escape?

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First, wrap the tape around the hampster with the sticky side facing away, and without it sticking to itself, then pull really really hard to shrink the hampster. Then, take out the tape and fashion it into a hampster wheel (tiny one for a tiny hampster), and then pull the oxygen system out of the escape pod and attach it to your plastic wrap helment and the hampster energy source. Bounce the ball against the hatch, and then keep hitting the ball. Since there's little to no gravity, and you're adding energy by hitting it, the ball will keep going faster and faster until it breaks open the hatch. Use the sudden rush of air out the hatch to propel yourself twords the earth. Bounce the basketball one last time off the pod, this time on an edge so that it breaks open and then comes back to you. Then, insert your head into the ripped open basketball to protect yourself on reentry. Use your hands to aim yourself next to a beach so that you land in water but can swim back to civilization easily.

 

You have a flood rushing in from the east that is toppling houses. You have a can of soda/pop, a joystick, a pair of high-heels, caffiene pills, a network cable, a poster of rick astley (yes,

), and your courage. How do you survive the incoming flood?

I don't visit as often as I used to. If you want me to see something, make sure to quote a post of mine or ping me @jean-luc

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