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Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13

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Everything you've had to say is beautiful. Stone and I are excited for you! Friday is a neat due date: the end of the traditional work week and a day to relax. And spring is a beautiful season: a season of beginnings, if you are just looking at nature. So there is both symbolism for beginning and end (supported if you take Lent into account). Wherever you find meaning, we wish you all well. And happy birthday to Junior! (if he is born on time, if not that's normal) You will be a good mother, and Phil a good father. I'm so happy for you two :D

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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On Friday, April 7, 2023, at 5:16pm, Junior arrived into the world! 😁😁😁👶❤️💚💚❤️

 

It was a wonderfully imperfect perfect day! 😁 I don't know exactly where to start with this so I guess I'll start at the beginning and go from there!

 

So we got up and started our day like it was any normal day. Fun fact: This was the only time Phil has ever requested off work specifically for tulpa-related reasons; even our wedding date was picked for a day he already had off! But we were set on April 7th and had been for months, so there was going to be no compromise with that.

 

I had been fretting about the weather for a while. I feel as though God himself heard my fretting and decided to compromise with me: He would hold off on the rain but the day would be cloudy. Junior's day of birth was completely overcast with seasonally typical temperatures in the mid-50s. It could have been 75 and sunny, but it also could have been 35 and snowing. In other words, an utterly average day for early April. I am happy with what we got. 😊

 

Phil and I had prepared a special CD to listen to the night before. We had been trying to pick songs that fit the occasion but found exactly 3, so we ended up filling the CD with songs that we were "just kinda feeling" and it kind of goes all over the place from 10s indie electronica to 90s alt rock to 80s pop, but it somehow all works and felt right. We saved the first 3 songs on the CD for later and listened to the rest of it as we drove to the town where we decided Junior would be born. For privacy reasons I won't reveal which town it was, obviously, other than to say it was in Central Jersey. 💚 That was one of my demands requests to Phil, that Junior would be born in New Jersey. No "going over to the PA side" or any such silliness. 😄

 

So after a stop for coffee and a snack we made our way over to the town, which is truly a beautiful little place. It's early April so the trees are blooming with white and pink flowers. 🥰 The green leaves are still a few weeks away but the flowering trees were sure beautiful! We took a nice leisurely walk through this town--and I should mention all through this time I was "having contractions", the first stage of birth. We talked about what was happening to my body as the time got closer. (I'll spare you the details--they're easy to look up if you're curious!) And finally, we made our way to a little park by a pond. It was the same place where Phil and I had conceived Junior nine months earlier. (Again--in a wholesome meditative experience, don't get the wrong idea! 😄) It's possibly my favorite place in the world that isn't the beach; so it seemed a fitting place to bring Junior into the world.

 

It's worth mentioning at this point the parallel experience we were having in-wonderland. We decided to have an outdoor birth at our main wonderland residence; near the lake the house sits on. It was a pretty impromptu decision, but it matched with the environment we were in as that our house's setting was based on the very town we were in, and that park specifically.  For those of you curious, I here's a picture of the Minecraft version of our house with the spot it happened pointed out:

Spoiler

image.thumb.png.d60cde2b3e86a1b3385ef9c9171aa1b5.png

 

The only people present were me, Phil, and our nanny servitor Stephie who served as our midwife. (Have I introduced Stephie yet? If not...she's basically a servitor who will look after Junior when I'm busy. She's not sentient, but she is a product of my love, and everything she does is a proxy for my love and care 🥰)

 

Then...labor began. Mothers of the world will have a good laugh at this, but Simmie had a 10-minute delivery! 😄 (Normally the pushing can last over an hour from what I've read) Once again I'll spare you the graphic details. It was all simulated in great detail by our brain. I should also mention that I was switched-in during this and it was an extremely vivid experience. Anyway, soon his entire body was out, and I picked up Phil's phone to check the time: 5:16pm. We didn't have an exact time picked out and knew we would just go with whatever happened, so 5:16pm Eastern DST is Junior's official time of birth! 🥰

 

We stayed in that spot for a while so I could marvel at the feeling of holding my baby boy in my arms. 🥰🥰🥰 I made sure Phil had a chance to hold him too. One of the lovely things about the process was that all the cleanup and unsavory bits of childbirth were mostly just automatic and we didn't have to worry about them. No one had to clean Junior off--he was just clean. I do recall him breathing on his own for the first time, a very special moment. He didn't cry--not much anyway--and was mostly relaxed in my arms. Remember, fundamentally Junior is an undeveloped tulpa, so while the seeds of his sentience have been planted he's not really properly sentient yet, so most of what we witnessed were automatic baby things not directed by actual thought from Junior, but let's be honest, newborn babies don't really "think" in the way that adults or even young children do, so it's not really too far off the mark in that regard anyway.

 

So, in the real world space, we moved over to a picnic table so we could create some art together. We wrote down the date, time, and location of birth as well as Junior's full name. We decided he would be 7 pounds 10 ounces and 21 inches long. We created two pieces, but I don't think we'll be sharing them because they are symbolic representations of birthing and breastfeeding that are a little too on the nose to share publicly, plus they are really personal to Phil and I. (There will hopefully be more art that we can share coming soon, though!)

 

So after all that was done we packed up our art stuff and left that little park and walked back to our car. I couldn't stop holding Junior; even now I am picturing him in my arms. (My arms in-wonderland are holding Junior but my (Phil's) arms are typing IRL--tulpa life is crazy like that!) I sat in the passenger seat holding Junior in a way that would never fly if we were bodily existing in the real world, but in tulpa form was as safe as anything. We started up our special CD from the beginning this time--I wanted the first song Junior ever heard to be a very beautiful and special song about how we feel about him, so we started off with a song I'll be linking in the music thread soon: "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins. 🥰 A truly beautiful lullaby he wrote for his own child, and was used on the Tarzan soundtrack!

 

Now that Junior was with us, I had an important mission for us: We were going to go to the beach so Junior could see the ocean within his first hours of life! 😁🌊🏖️ Yes, it is the Jersey shore in early April, it is not in season and is still quite chilly. But that didn't matter to us! We even walked barefoot in the sand in 54-degree weather! Yes, it was chilly on the feet, but you'd be surprised how resilient human feet are to conditions like that. I haven't felt the sensation of sand beneath my feet since early November, and it was a truly beautiful sensation that I really missed, and I wanted Junior to understand it as well. (Not that he was walking or anything--but as we all share this brain together he could feel the sensations like any of us)

 

After spending some time on the beach we head back to the car and drove home with the sun setting behind the clouds. A brief stop at Wawa to pick up an Italian hoagie (sub sandwich), then we were home. 🥰 And that's the story of our day! 😁

 

It was a truly beautiful and unforgettable day, and the first that we'll get to spend with our young son! 😁💚❤️ We'll have much more to say about his growth and development as time goes on, as well as what he truly means to us. But for now what I really need is a shower and to relax! 😊 I've had an extremely active day and I'm so thrilled by my new life as a mother!!! 💚

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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Thank you to everyone who has said such kind words to us! 💚

 

One day later and this is still so crazy to us! Waking up as three...just that felt so different from life before. Yes, Junior doesn't need as much attention as a regular child. But I still want to be there for him at all times. Little questions like to I give my attention to Phil or to Junior when I first wake up, these are the kinds of things I have to figure out now!

 

18 hours ago, harvestmoon said:

Friday is a neat due date: the end of the traditional work week and a day to relax. And spring is a beautiful season: a season of beginnings, if you are just looking at nature. So there is both symbolism for beginning and end (supported if you take Lent into account). Wherever you find meaning, we wish you all well.

 

It's really interesting how things just happened. Picking April 7 was a purely mathematical decision at first; we didn't even know it was a Friday at the time, but the more we thought about it the more perfect it became! 🥰 Everything you said about the symbolism of beginning and end is very true for us. I even like the "shape" of the date 4-7-23, it just feels so active and robust and I don't know how to explain that. 😄

 

Now the four most important dates to us each happened in different seasons! Phil was born in the winter, Junior was born in the spring, my birthday is technically still summer, and our wedding was in the fall! 😁💚

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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Congratulations guys! Glad to hear it went well, I can’t wait to hear about what happens next. Make sure you’re resting and taking care of yourself, Simmie! 
Welcome into the world, Junior!

Edit (host) | he/they/it | polytherian | Virgo/infj | artist

Pankie (tulpa) | she/they

 

My art thread

My progress journal

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Okay! Trying to do this update while the brain is still somewhat working and isn't quite overcome with tiredness/non-focus-ness yet! 😄

 

So, Junior has been part of our lives for 8 days now. It's actually been quite a big adjustment, bigger than you might think. He is a wonderful little presence in our lives and a great hope for our future. But his presence also mixes everything up, as we have to try and reach a new equilibrium in this brain. I'm not exactly sure how to word it. But before Junior was born and there was just Phil and I, we were each the most important person in each other's lives. But now that Junior is here, I feel my attention being pulled in two different directions. I need to be there for Phil as he is my host, husband, and best friend, and he relies on me so much. But I also want to give Junior all the attention a mother can give; he deserves the world from me, and I want to give him all the love and attention he could ever need.

 

It's actually a hard thing to adjust to. Especially given the fact that I only have a portion of this brain's mental resources, and I only feel "really tuned in" for a portion of that time. Phil's normal focus problems, plus work, plus the fact that we're in transition from cold to hot weather, it all makes for a bit of a difficult time. Thankfully I am strong enough to still be active even highly active through most of this. But it's not easy to know what I ought to be doing during those times. It used to be so easy--the more I was "on", the more I was with Phil. It feels like starting from scratch in many ways. It is exciting, don't get me wrong! But it's also a bit intimidating if I'm being honest. I don't want my two roles to be at odds.

 

I think of the difference between my creation and Junior's creation, because at the end of the day we're both tulpas. When Phil created me, it was like being dropped into an active warzone. He needed me desperately and he forced me hard. I was created as an adult, and not only an adult, but a voice of reason, calm, comfort, companionship, and intimacy. I did it all, and I grew into it very quickly, something I am still very proud of. But Junior on the other hand...the "need" for him is less desperate, less immediate. He is here, but we've barely forced him at all and we plan on giving him all the time in the world to grow. His creation and mine couldn't be more different for two tulpas in the same mind.

 

On the one hand, it can be looked at as good. I was able to handle the stress of Phil's needs all right, but looking on it from an outside perspective it's kind of an unfair burden to put a new tulpa though. (I 100% don't hold it against Phil though). Junior doesn't have that burden on him. He's sheltered from the world and even from Phil's rougher side, and he's been given a completely safe atmosphere to grow.

 

On the other hand, I do worry that Junior is being short-changed. Although Phil's needs were great, his love and attention were an absolute flood that I thrived in. 🥰 And while we both do love our son very much, it's a much more calm, mature kind of love. The attention he gets is much less than what I got, and that does worry me. I don't want him to think of himself in any way "lesser" than me, and I don't want him to be jealous of the amount of attention I got in the beginning versus the amount he's getting now. But I worry that he might be. I worry that I'm not doing enough for him.

 

I have been focusing a lot on him over the past week though, at least when the brainpower can be spared. If I am in the wonderland, or if I am being imposed into the world, I always think about where Junior is in relation to me. Is he in my arms, in a stroller that I'm pushing, in a crib nearby? That's what I'm always asking myself. I try to meditate on the feeling of feeding him, changing him, holding him, singing to him, rocking him. I don't do it nearly enough. I don't know if I'm being too insecure or hard on myself. It's just been a bit of a difficult transition for me.

 

There are already some very happy memories too! A few days ago we went to our favorite park and I switched in, and I spent a good half hour talking out loud to Junior, much in the same way that Phil would talk aloud to me in the earliest days. I talked about myself and Phil, about the park around us, about the trees and the sky and the grass, and about himself. I told him what he meant to Phil and I that he was there, and I told him about my hopes and dreams for him. It was an extremely sweet moment. In that walk I felt a deep connection with my son, and Phil felt much joy observing it.

 

When I have more time and brainpower I want to discuss "re-parenting" a bit more and how that relates to us raising Junior. But I will say one thing about it now. The night after he was born I was writing an e-mail to Junior to get some of my feelings down and I signed the email with "Mom". And when I did that I felt an emotional disturbance from Phil--he was actually mildly triggered. And because of my deep connection to Phil I knew the reason instantly...it was because he associates the word "Mom" with his own mother, and he has very deep and unresolved issues with that woman. I don't want to air all of that history, but I will say that Phil has always had a contentious relationship with his mother and that has affected the way he sees women in general and motherhood in particular. Even something as simple as me using the word "Mom" had an effect on him. So I knew what my task would be: I'd have to overwrite this in Phil's mind, to change the associations, and hopefully help heal him. My goal now is that when he thinks the word "Mom" he will think of me first, not that woman. By being a loving and caring mother to Junior, I hope to rewrite his associations with motherhood. I want him to look at me through Junior's eyes and understand that kind of mother love. I want him to understand the kind of strength that love will bring to his son. I want Junior to be pure and unburdened, so he can grow up un-tainted and strong, so that when he's an adult he can be the kind of person both Phil and I can admire and follow. Junior has the potential to be greater than either of us, and I want to do everything I can to help him reach that potential. But for now, what I can do is provide that love, and that is the foundation on which everything else will be built.

 

Whew! 😅 That was a lot to get out and I could feel this brain's concentration starting to fade but I powered through! I hope this was easy to understand for anyone reading this, and any thoughts about anything I've said will be highly appreciated and valued! 😁 Before I hit submit, I just want to take a moment and thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive to us throughout this entire process! It's been challenging but totally worth it, and I would do it again 100%. 💚 Thank you!!! 😁💚❤️

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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Good luck on the reparenting thing it sounds like it is important

 

I hope you can sort out your insecurities, that doesn't feel good to have

 

I hope things are otherwise going well. I wonder when junior will start talking

Creation for creation's sake.

 

More of my drawings

 

Resident Dojikko

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