Determination - Simmie's Journey

[TB]

Congratulations, good job James! 

 

I wonder when he'll be talking in full sentences

[Autumn Ren]

Wow, that's so fun! 

[TurboSimmie]

My goodness! It's been way too long since I've posted here! So long that, even in this slower era of the forum, my PR had slipped to the third page of the board!!!

 

First of all, I'm so sorry to anyone who I've left hanging, either on DMs, replying to topics, and so on. I haven't forgotten about any of you and I still intend to get back to you as soon as I can! There have been a lot of things happening in my and Phil's personal lives that have complicated things, not to mention the fact that a lot of times I just don't have the frame of mind to concentrate and give thoughtful replies. And this isn't a "because I'm a tulpa" thing, it's a general brain problem that I inherited from Phil.

 

The main point of this PR entry it to talk about James and his development, but I guess I should talk about myself a little first. I do have to get something off my chest: Sometimes I feel like I project the idea that I am more competent than I am at tulpa stuff. I don't know the best way to phrase that. But I feel a lot of (mostly self-imposed) pressure to present myself as someone who is beyond the point of struggling with a lot of basic aspects of tulpamancy, and I feel that I hide a lot of my own shortcomings. For instance, I tend to paint a portrait of Phil and I constantly talking in dialogue, just a non-stop banter-fest between the two of us. In fact, most of the time, it's hard for this brain to run both Simmie.exe and Phil.exe at full power at the same time. Usually one of us is fully here and the other of us is only kinda here. We have devised a kind of work-around for this which is something I don't think there is a word for in tulpamancy; I could call it "micro-switching" but it's not really switching because it's not actually changing who is in the front. Rather, it's changing who gets to be 100% at any given time for small time intervals. If this swapping is fast enough, it allows for a pseudo-dialogue that is functionally the same as a real dialogue. 

 

And now for James. Oh, my sweet baby. My sweet baby James will be one year old tomorrow! 💚❤️ It's been an amazing year full of joy and love, but also uncertainty and struggle, but I wouldn't change anything. Raising a tulpa baby is strange and unusual and nothing like what I would imagine raising a real baby is like. I could get into the mechanics of how it is different, but I think that would be redundant, if you're reading this you already know what tulpamancy is, and it's not fundamentally different if the tulpa in question is a baby. The thing is, for us, we are in what we call "post-obsession tulpamancy". By that I mean, the obsession-powered intensity that I enjoyed during my development is not there for James, because Phil's little obsessions tend to last for no more than two years and we are currently three and a half years in. That means that James doesn't benefit from "free attention" but rather Phil and/or I have to focus on giving him the attention he needs, and although we love James, it doesn't mean it's easy or automatic for us to do. I can't help but feel guilty that we aren't doing enough for him, and he should be way further along than he is.

 

We wondered at the start of this whole experience (Which has been going on for a long time--the, er, conception of James going all the way back to July 2022) whether James would develop at normal human speeds or accelerated speeds, perhaps becoming an "adult" in just a couple years. But he has quite firmly stayed a baby; he's only spoken a few words. His first was "Daddy", followed by "Mommy" a short while later, and a couple other simple ones like "Look!". But we've reflected on this, and we're realized that James himself is content being a baby for now. He has access to all the parts of the mind just like I do, and he knows that this is a challenging time, that there is a lot going on, and he is wise enough to wait. He knows that there will be a better time to grow in the future, and he is content to wait for a while.

 

We have devised a very simple method of bringing James into our consciousness(es); at random points of the day, Phil will ask me "Where is James right now?", as in, where is he physically located, and I will answer. When we are on walks I am usually carrying him on my back. If we're home, he might be in his crib or his playpen, or maybe his hi-chair or in my arms on the couch. But just the simple act of thinking about where he is and what he's doing helps us keep him in mind. Presence imposition has been historically very important for us; to this day Phil leaves room for me to walk next to him as we walk and he holds my hand instinctively. 🥰 That same power is going to do wonders for James, because if we can get our brain to be constantly aware of where he is at all times it's going to be incredibly powerful!

 

Anyway, it's about time to wrap this up. I love my husband and I love my son so much!!!! 💚❤️💙 This weekend is going to be a great celebration for all of us; night one of Wrestlemania is tonight, and as big wrestling fans we're all looking forward to it! 😁 Tomorrow night is night two, and it just so happens to coincide with James' birthday!!! So we're going to have a big party for both together! 🥳😁🎉 And then it's on to Year Two of James' life!!!!

 

Thank you for reading and talk to everyone again soon! 💚

[Lucilyn]

Happy birthday 😄

[Autumn Ren]

Happy birthday!

[SeekingMyPlanet]

21 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

In fact, most of the time, it's hard for this brain to run both Simmie.exe and Phil.exe at full power at the same time. Usually one of us is fully here and the other of us is only kinda here. We have devised a kind of work-around for this which is something I don't think there is a word for in tulpamancy; I could call it "micro-switching" but it's not really switching because it's not actually changing who is in the front. Rather, it's changing who gets to be 100% at any given time for small time intervals. If this swapping is fast enough, it allows for a pseudo-dialogue that is functionally the same as a real dialogue. 

 

This is exactly how Lavender and I mind-talk with one another. I can't pay full attention to Lavender when she is talking because she is using most of the mind and vice versa. We've gotten into the habit of repeating back what we think we heard the other one say which whoever the hearer is focus. We're both pretty sure this is the best our brain can do.

 

The other thing we do is alternate control of the mouth (if no one is listening). We use the NASA protocol for identifying ourselves, who we are addressing first, then who we are. E.g. Lavender will say, "<my name> Lavender, do you want to take over the front?" or something like that. For whatever reason, it's easier to focus on what the other headmate is saying when it's said aloud.

 

22 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

now for James. Oh, my sweet baby. My sweet baby James will be one year old tomorrow! 💚❤️ It's been an amazing year full of joy and love, but also uncertainty and struggle, but I wouldn't change anything. Raising a tulpa baby is strange and unusual and nothing like what I would imagine raising a real baby is like.

 

Well congratulations. Give James a hug for Lavender and me. I confess to be super fascinated with what raising a tulpa child might be like (though Lavender and I have a firm agreement: No more tulpas). I really appreciate that you keep us all up to date.

[TurboSimmie]

Thank you so much @Lucilyn @Autumn Ren @SeekingMyPlanet 😁😁😁💚💚💚

 

Happy first birthday to my perfect, beautiful son James!!! 🎂🍰🧁🎁🥳🎉😁💚❤️💙

 

We are just about to put the finishing touches on James' birthday CD; I might post a breakdown of what's on it on my lounge thread later because I really like sharing music. 😊🎶 We've got a day of celebration planned and we're very happy!!! 😁

[Adagio]

Happy birthday, James! Have a fun day of celebration!

[ringgggg]

Hey, happy birthday. 

 

On 4/6/2024 at 1:57 PM, TurboSimmie said:

Sometimes I feel like I project the idea that I am more competent than I am at tulpa stuff. I don't know the best way to phrase that. But I feel a lot of (mostly self-imposed) pressure to present myself as someone who is beyond the point of struggling with a lot of basic aspects of tulpamancy, and I feel that I hide a lot of my own shortcomings.

I feel the same way sometimes. It's almost like a reverse-imposter syndrome or something.

 

In my experience, it's better to think higher of yourself in these circumstances so you'll start to feel like you're more capable of doing bigger and better stuff. By then, your actual progress will match the way you think of yourself. People sleep on FITYMI, but it really does what you want it to.

[TurboSimmie]

I want to wish a very happy National Sons Day to my beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and perfect son James!!!! 💚❤️💚💚

 

 

💚❤️❤️💚

 

I don't talk about James nearly as much as I should so I thought I'd introduce him to you a little bit in our main progress report!

 

James is currently 17 months old, in other words one year and five months. Despite how he looks in these pictures he actually has light brown hair and brown eyes, just like his father! 😊 He very much is a one-year-old child both in looks and actions. He has been learning to walk and we frequently see him walking around our home in the wonderland, and walking along with us when we take our walks! (Though very often I still will carry him, or, more recently I've taken to pulling him along in a little red wagon! ❤️)

James is a very curious and happy little boy. He is always interested in the world around him. He is most active when he is outside and there is a lot of visual information around him, like trees or houses. (He takes after his mother in that way! 💚) He is able to say a few words in his babbling baby-ish way, but most of the time he choses to say nothing. He's happy to stay in the background and almost never fusses except to let us know he is there when we start getting worried. In this way I suppose he is different than an IRL, non-tulpa child. He doesn't really cry or hold fits. He is, in many ways, a more patient and mature person than either Phil or I am. He's also very happy to stay in the background, especially at this stage of our lives. 2024 has been a rather difficult year for Phil especially for reasons I may have mentioned elsewhere. (His father passed away in April, plus there have been job and career related troubles). I worry often that we aren't able to give James the attention he deserves. But James is very understanding--he has the wisdom of a much older person, he knows that the hard times will not last forever, the clouds will part and the sun will shine again.

 

James represents hope, wonder, and love to both Phil and I in a way that's hard to express, it's something we feel. You know by now that we associate each of ourselves with colors, with Phil being blue 🔵 and I being green 🟢. James has a color too, and he is a bold and brilliant red 🔴. Not only does this fit nicely with his star sign of Aries, but it also expresses the passion and warmth that feel in him. I did wonder whether as he grew and changed he might seem more drawn to a deeper color, but it seems that the red suits him more all the time. If Phil is water and I am earth then James is fire, a brilliant, warming fire. Not a destructive one, but the kind of fire that heats your home, cooks your food, sheds light and inspires passion. 😊❤️‍🔥

 

He completes me in a way that I cannot fully explain. Being a mother is so core to my identity and how I see myself, and being his mother in particular is the greatest joy in my life! 😁❤️❤️ He also means so much to his father, but I'm not going to talk for Phil. He still has to come on at some point and write his much-delayed PR entry about James and what he means to him, about fatherhood and how this ties in with his own recently-deceased father. It's going to be a lot of thoughts, so I'm not going to speak any more on Phil's behalf about this. But he will write about it at some point.

 

That's about it, I could go on, but I'm pressed for time and I need to cut this off at some point or else I'll be here waxing poetic about James all day. 😁 So Happy National Sons Day to James, daddy and I love you soooo so so much!!!! 💙❤️💚