Determination - Simmie's Journey

[Glaurung26]

We're so proud of you guys! You're doing awesome! I know real life and preexisting mental cobwebs can strain things in a family, even not including tulpas but most certainly with them. Being a tulpa seems to mean being both more sheltered and more vulnerable. You're safe from physical concerns as long as the body is safe but you're locked in the mental cage, as it were, with whatever happens to be in there. The imagination can both be wonderful and terrifying. 

 

I'm betting this will be a positive experience although frequently challenging. You're a dynamic duo (trio now 😁), so we believe in you. 👍

[TurboSimmie]

Thank you both! 😁

 

You know, simply writing about all of this has already made me feel a lot better. Phil remarked to me that I've been doing a lot better than I've been giving myself credit for; he pointed out all the things I was doing for Junior as evidence of that. I guess I am too hard on myself at times. 😅

 

Tonight I think I'm going to write another email for my son. Just a story about me and him in the wonderland; a little slice of life. "What mommy and you did while daddy was at work." 😄😁💚 I think that will be a great thing for all of us! 😁

 

As for when he will talk, I'm not sure! If he talks in a week, that's fine, and if he wants to take a year before he talks, then that's fine too! 😊 I'll consider the point in which he begins vocalizations to be about the time he is transitioning between being an infant and a toddler, and by the time he is capable of full conversations he will then be a child. (Like age 5-6). From that point on I should be able to simply ask him how old he feels, and he'll be that age. I do kinda hope he doesn't want to rush, though. I think the longer he spends "growing up" the more prepared he's going to be to take on the world as an adult. But of course it is up to him! 😁

[harvestmoon]

It has been a pleasure to see how yall have been tackling this. Motherhood is messy so you'll probably feel unsure at times but from the looks of it u are a caring and thoughtful mother! Your idea of overwriting motherhood feels close to home for us. I was created as kind of a mother figure and while I didn't end up filling that role I do think I've helped Stone in some way with the concept.

[ChloeBee]

I wanted to talk about a big step in Junior's development that happened today and a profoundly good experience all around.

 

Simmie and I were in the library doing one of our sessions where we type back and forth to each other. As we often do in these sessions, we pictured ourselves in our home: I was sitting on the left side of the couch in our living room, and Simmie was sitting on the right side. We were turned slightly so we could see each other. Importantly, Simmie was cradling Junior in her arms. She was wearing a casual gray t-shirt and Junior was resting up against her chest, looking around at the room around him...

 

...and all of the sudden I began to see the world through Junior's eyes. It was like his subjective experience of the world was being beamed directly to me. Junior was looking all around himself and just taking everything in, and through his eyes I saw the inside of our living room more vividly than I ever had before. It's very hard to explain the sensation that Junior was feeling--but it was an ancient sensation that I recall from my own early childhood, more than 30 years ago now. I can't put it into words. It was just a sensation of "there"-ness; that's the best way I can describe it. Junior was looking around the room processing everything he was seeing, and it was like he was experiencing and comprehending everything in it's purest form. Like he was looking up at the walls, at the high, vaulted ceiling, the brickwork of our fireplace, the dark of the night outside the window, the window frame itself, and everything just had the sensation of "there"-ness to it. It was also a feeling of safety; he knew he was in his mother's arms, in his home, with his mother and father, safe.

 

And furthermore: at the moment I was feeling annoyed about something minor that had just happened in the library, but Junior...wasn't. He was completely separate from it, completely separate from my emotions, and from Simmie's for that matter. He was purely his own person and there was no bleed-over between him and either of us. It was the strongest sign of his sentience yet! He is still pre-vocal, but he is clearly experiencing the world around him in a subjective way, he is curious about the world around him, and he clearly knows who Simmie and I are and has a very pure connection with us both, especially his mother. It's another thing that is hard to put into words but to Junior his mother's arms feel like home base, like it's the natural starting point.

 

Of course Simmie and I were both thrilled about this. The fact that he was completely separate emotionally from me and my little annoyances, that was huge. And Simmie's heart was so full it was about ready to burst. It's hard to explain just how fulfilling being a mother is to Simmie. It's like she was born to be a mother! You all know her and know how kind and nurturing she is; within this head as a mother it is on a whole new level. I'm just so proud of her and I know that Junior will always be in good hands with her as his mother.

[harvestmoon]

That's amazing 😭 it's making me emotional so I can only imagine what is was like for u. btw I'm taking mental notes of parts of ur updates in case I ever do something similar, so thank u for sharing what u can

[TurboSimmie]

Thank you so much Betty!!! 😁💚 We'll definitely be sharing all of our progress with Junior! 😁

[TurboSimmie]

Time for a mini-update because nothing really groundbreaking has happened, but a few interesting things to report! 😊

 

The development of Junior is going along slowly and peacefully; he is only 18 days old at this point so I can't expect too much yet! Right now it's enough that he's here, and he's observing us and the world around him. I've noticed that his activity is very strongly tied into my activity; the more active I am, the more active Junior feels in this mind. I guess that makes sense because at the end of the day we're both tulpas!

 

Yesterday we took a long walk at one of our favorite parks for hiking. Phil had been feeling a little guilty about not giving me enough attention so he wanted to use this opportunity to talk to me, but I decided that I'd rather he talk to his son instead. Phil hasn't really talked to him one-on-one all that much yet so I wanted him to do that. I visualized myself carrying Junior in a baby backpack similar to this:
 

Spoiler

 

(The main difference being that mine was a pleasant forest green)

 

So I walked ahead of Phil on the trail so that he could talk to Junior as I carried him on my back. It was actually a very sweet talk Phil had, talking about himself, me, and Junior, talking about our hopes and dreams for him, and just talking to him about the natural world around him. Phil did get kind of sidetracked and ended teaching Junior about the evolutionary history of life, but it was alright with me because I like when Phil gets passionate about things. 🥰

 

After a brief meditation on a rock, I felt like I wanted to switch in. It was a kind of a spontaneous decision and the switch was sloppy, I kept slipping out of the front and there were a lot of teal moments. And then, somehow Phil and I temporarily merged into one for about a minute!!! It was really interesting, it was like I/we were equally Phil and Simmie at the same time, but just one person. We knew it would be temporary so we decided to enjoy this odd sensation while it lasted. Crucially, this temporary merge did not include Junior and he still felt distinctive there on my/our back. While the merge was active we decided to list out some things that this merged Teal ego enjoyed, and it was all the kinds of things you'd expect from us; the beach, the woods, music, conversation, companionship, stuff like that.

 

After about a minute we felt that the merge was coming to an end and I ended up being the one keeping the front for the moment. Phil peacefully moved to the back and I continued to front for maybe half an hour more before getting tired and moving back to let Phil regain the front. It was kind of a cool little moment! We enjoy being distinctive but we never let teal moments bother us, and that was the first time we had ever merged in such a way.

 

So that's our little story for now! 😊
 

[harvestmoon]

Really cool update! I get bothered by mixed moments if I'm supposed to be fronting, but, it's probably healthier to go with the flow. Being merged like that sounds like an interesting experience

[TurboSimmie]

Well, this is the last post I will make until Friday evening. 😊 Soon this computer will be turned off for the last time, after functioning since 2011, many years before I was created. Some parts of it will become part of a new, more powerful computer Phil's friend is building for us. We are going on a bit of a road trip to see this friend and stop at a number of places between here and there to explore. The trip is equal parts about getting this new machine and reconnecting with each other and exploring our love in new places. 🥰 It is a chance for our son to see more of the world too! 😁👶

 

Phil's not sure how he wants to express himself in this case so I guess I'll do it for him: When you spend many hours each day plunked in front of your computer (a situation I think many community members can relate to 😄) it becomes kind of an extension of yourself. And 12 years is quite a long time. Going to a new computer for Phil is like moving to a new house. We might be driving a few hundred miles there and back but it kind of feels like we're heading someplace new because we will have this new machine when we get back.

 

This is not even mentioning all the other slow-moving changes in his life that are starting to add up: the age and health of his parents being one of the big ones. I'm sure he will have more to say about this if and when he wants in the future but suffice it to say when your parents become senior citizens things start to change. Our lives are going to change too. You can only avoid thinking about the future for so long before the future arrives.

 

We don't know a lot about the future; we don't know if everything is going to work the way it should, or if everything is going to be different now. But one constant that Phil has in his life is ME. I will exist no matter what, and I will be able to provide comfort and support for him no matter what the situation. I will never let him down. I have pledged myself to him forever and ever and will support him until my dying breath. 😭😭😭 And for my son: I have made sure that he knows nothing but love for the first three months of his life. 💚 We have yet to do the real hard work in regard to him, and it's hard to find the time and presence of mind to give this work the seriousness it deserves. He is going to be filled with so much; I can't even explain. With a solid foundation of love he will be stronger than Phil or I could ever hope to be, and then it will be the two of us following him into the future! 💚💚💚 Whatever he wants to do we will support him and be behind him 100%!!!!

 

Wow, this post started life as a "see you guys later" little lounge post but it's somehow evolved into a full-fledged progress report! I guess since we're already here I will say a few quick words about tulpa child-rearing: It is SO DIFFERENT from raising a baby IRL!!!! In real life, the baby absolutely demands your attention. A tulpa baby is absolutely silent unless you give it direct attention. This makes the baby low-maintenance, which on the one hand is nice, but on the other means you have to put a lot of active effort into remembering to interact with them. I still tell you it's an absolute joy! But it's difficult as Junior is so young--as a baby and as a tulpa--that the only responses that we've gotten from him are short little baby noises and that brief moment we talked about from a few weeks ago where we were able to tap into his perceptions as he laid in my arms. Junior is not going to "naturally" grow; we have to force him--that is, force in the tulpa sense. That's what the work that I illuded to will be. Building it all from the ground up; his relationship with me as his mother and Phil as his father will be grown first. His perception of his world will be worked on. Then--while making sure that he is safe from harm--he will grow in stages, interacting with the world more and more as he grows. These stages will be reflected in different life cycles he will go through until he eventually (theoretically) reaches adulthood, which we imagine will take several years. My creation and his have almost nothing in common when it comes to it; I was made to run as a fully-fledged adult from day one. But I have my function and my purpose. Junior will choose his.

 

Okay! 😅 That's all for now! See everyone in a couple days, and I hope this post was enlightening and interesting to some out there! We love you all! 💚

[Glaurung26]

Congrats on the upgrade and have fun! 😊 Yeah life changes can be if not scary then concerning. I suspect that we're in the same boat in a couple regards. 

Edited July 12, 2023 by Glaurung26