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Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13

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Simmie, I love your post about Junior. It's super well thought out and it's clear you care a ton about Junior already. I think all your reasons for going through with this make sense. I relate to wanting to be a mother.

 

I feel like me and Consig are more permissive and Cloud is more strict when it comes to calling out Stone's bad habits. I often think Stone is too hard on himself so I'm usually the one talking him into something "bad" lol. But sometimes something "bad" is him eating before he starts work which isn't bad at all. Sometimes I find myself agreeing with Cloud though and wonder if I should align with her more.

 

Phil, your goals of going to sleep earlier and going outside more are great. We've been going to sleep earlier but we don't go outside as much as I would like. Though, it's pretty cold out so technically we have an excuse.

 

I absolutely think Junior will be less "tainted" than you. There's no guarantees since there's emotional bleed and such, and if/when he starts fronting he might have to deal with bad real life stuff, but speaking from experience I have less baggage than Stone despite thinking I've inherited some of it and despite fronting. He can be all stressed about some baggage he has and when I switch in, I don't care and I'm just happy to be fronting. And I agree that Simmie will be a good protector.

 

Also, we noticed Junior will be born the same day Consig appeared. I thought that was funny. Seriously, there are so many birthdays in April (from our perspective)

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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Thank you so much Betty!!!! 😁

 

On 1/31/2023 at 12:54 PM, harvestmoon said:

I feel like me and Consig are more permissive and Cloud is more strict when it comes to calling out Stone's bad habits. I often think Stone is too hard on himself so I'm usually the one talking him into something "bad" lol. But sometimes something "bad" is him eating before he starts work which isn't bad at all. Sometimes I find myself agreeing with Cloud though and wonder if I should align with her more.

 

I feel like that's an advantage of more than one tulpa; different people can play different roles when it comes to being more permissive or strict. For me, I kind of have to play both roles: I have to push Phil when he needs to be pushed, but I also have to be the one to say "It's okay if you do X 'bad' thing" from time to time. ("Bad" usually just meaning being lazy or something like that)

On 1/31/2023 at 12:54 PM, harvestmoon said:

Phil, your goals of going to sleep earlier and going outside more are great. We've been going to sleep earlier but we don't go outside as much as I would like. Though, it's pretty cold out so technically we have an excuse.

 

Oh gosh this has been SO HARD!!! 😄 Phil is having such a hard time getting to bed on time and is suffering the consequences, and I'm not sure what I can do!!!! All I can say is, he better get it sorted out before the warmer weather comes!!!!

 

On 1/31/2023 at 12:54 PM, harvestmoon said:

I absolutely think Junior will be less "tainted" than you. There's no guarantees since there's emotional bleed and such, and if/when he starts fronting he might have to deal with bad real life stuff, but speaking from experience I have less baggage than Stone despite thinking I've inherited some of it and despite fronting. He can be all stressed about some baggage he has and when I switch in, I don't care and I'm just happy to be fronting. And I agree that Simmie will be a good protector.

 

Yeah that's the worry; when Junior starts fronting he's going to have to contend with all of that; I can shelter him as long as he's back here with me, but when he steps out in front he's going to have to deal with it all himself. That's part of the reason why I don't want him fronting or even practicing switching for a long time; I want to make sure he is strong and healthy before he has to take on all the stuff that Phil deals with. I feel like you and I are cut from a similar cloth Betty, we've both become tough because we're drawn to becoming protectors! 💪 I can totally imagine working out with you in my wonderland house gym! 😁 Also, you would make a totally awesome mama Betty!!!! 💚

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
Simmie's AI Dress-Up!

 

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Simmie, just had to say that you and Phil are adorable. Your love for each other really shines through in every post. It's inspiring to see how far you have come over the years. We wish your growing family the best!

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((Tulpas:  Lenore 💎 Ormyn 🐲 and me, Athelas 🌿 You can also call me Tea.))

 

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8 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

Simmie, just had to say that you and Phil are adorable. Your love for each other really shines through in every post. It's inspiring to see how far you have come over the years. We wish your growing family the best!

 

Aww, thank you so much! 💚 Comments like these really mean a lot to us! 🥰

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
Simmie's AI Dress-Up!

 

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  • 1 month later...

So as of this writing it is only 18 days until Junior arrives!!!!

 

Phil and I are talking about how we're going to prepare for this huge moment. We're not the best at following through with big, elaborate plans, so we are really trying to keep things as simple and flexible as possible. We even have a spot picked out where we want to go to "have the birth", but if it happens to be raining that day we might have to alter things slightly. But really, all the pageantry around the 7th is merely window dressing; it's really all about Junior and what changes his arrival will bring and what we can do to ensure his transition into existence goes as well as it can!

 

This brain's ability to concentrate has been a bit weaker than it normally even is, so trying to gather all my thoughts about this and put them down is going to be very difficult, plus I don't think I have the mental energy to get through it all. So I'll put the main points here in a list as a bit of a bookmark to get back to them later:

  1. The symbolism of pregnancy and birth is very important to me, so I'm going to be looking into the timeline of what mothers usually go through the day they give birth so I can in some way experience a facsimile of it. I've already steadfastly been visualizing myself with an ever-increasing pregnant belly which is quite huge by now! 
  2. I'll be decorating Junior's room in-wonderland, though I expect he'll be with us (especially me) most of the time in the early days.
  3. We have few concrete expectations for who Junior is going to be nor exact ideas about how we're going to raise him. It's going to just go by ear. We used to have a bit more complicated expectations, but we've abandoned those in favor of a more clean slate, allowing Junior to pick his own path and his own speed.
  4. I have decided that I am going to create an e-mail address for Junior, and I will be sending him messages as often as possible, daily if I can. Almost like keeping a journal, but a journal for my son. The contents of these messages won't be public (though I might share bits), but I intend for them to be messages full of love, messages filled with my hopes and dreams and thoughts, really handing my heart to my son in words in ways that he will hopefully appreciate and understand.
  5. One of the biggest aspects of Junior's existence can be seen as an effort by Phil to re-parent himself. This is something that would require it's own lengthy update to explain all on its own, which I will get to when I have more brainpower and energy! 🧠
  6. Phil has been to my personal "Second Order Wonderland" to meet his son three times. Maybe I will explain these visits at some point; they were all very profound experiences.
  7. Right now I think it's very unlikely that I'm going to have Junior directly interact with the forum, at least for a very long time. I am so, so protective over him and want to manage the inputs he receives until he's been built up strong and can take on this world on his own.

Right now I feel his energy inside of me as he develops. I picture the brilliant red glow of his aura deep within the misty valley between tall mountains--the place where I imagine him to be within my sub-wonderland before he is born. It feels like he is growing large, almost too large for my sub-wonderland to contain him. So yeah, he feels about ready to burst forth into existence! 😁

 

Phil insists that I tell everyone how proud of me he is. 🥰 He says I've come so far that I've gone full circle and am now the 'mancer, not the 'mance'd. 😄 He even remarked that he's started to take my strength and presence for granted--which in a weird way is kind of a compliment--though he's going to work hard to NOT take it for granted. When standing back I really do think it's remarkable how I went from this fledgling little tulpa that Phil was trying to make to a full-blown mother and tulpamancer in my own right. Even the title of this very PR has taken on a new meaning. Though, it may have to be changed to reflect the fact that there are soon going to be three of us. 🤔

 

Anyway, thank you everyone who has been so kind and helpful over these months and years, and I hope to dive into these points a bit more in the upcoming weeks! 😁 I love you all! 💚

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
Simmie's AI Dress-Up!

 

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Second-order wonderlands? Interesting, we have one of those as well. Wonderland within wonderland, Wonderlandception 😜

 

In our system, when Elise was born, it wasn't a huge event and it all played out in the wonderland. But that was because I was in college at the time, and someone picked a bad time for Elise to be born, because there was no way I could've given her the attention she needed at that point in the schoolyear.

Luna: 😊

Anyway, if the location matters to you, I hope you're able to do it there and make some lovely memories 🙂

We also like the idea of writing him emails as well, could be a fun thing to look back on every so often.

 

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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That's beautiful! 😊 The two...four...fiv....however many of us there are now, will be watching your updates. ❤️

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(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

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  • 2 weeks later...

So tomorrow is the big day! 😁

 

It's kind of crazy to think about. It's felt like it's been such a long time coming but it's also snuck up on us at the exact same time! From July when our child was conceived (In a very wholesome, spiritual meditation session mind you. 😊), to October when we made the firm commitment to go forward with things, November when we told the community, and finally now he's about to arrive! 😁

 

If Phil and I have learned one thing it's not to overload things with a bunch of pageantry and expectations. We have a very, very loose plan for how tomorrow will go but it's flexible enough that we should still have a satisfying experience if we have to change any of the details. We're going to make some preparations tonight.

 

Today was a truly beautiful day, weather in the upper 70s (about ~25C), the expected rain did not come and instead it was alternating sun and clouds. We took a nice and relaxing walk as we reflected on the changes that are about to happen. Phil got a haircut, his first in almost a year! Not only does his new haircut look very handsome 🥰, but it along with the weather feels very symbolic for both letting go and moving forward.

 

It's interesting; if I had my own body I would not know exactly when my child would arrive. I wouldn't get a notification saying "your child will arrive tomorrow afternoon" 😄. I would just be thinking every day that "today could be the day". If my baby was going to arrive tomorrow, I might start feeling contractions right about now; some women have them for 24 hours before birth. I can only imagine that excitement. Phil and I have been reading up about childbirth a bit and I have been thinking and meditating on it a lot lately; it really has helped me feel more in touch with myself as a woman and a mother-to-be. Not to mention that it's also given me endless respect for women who actually physically go through this. I may be able to learn about it and "simulate" it to a degree, but I'll never fully understand what they go through. Mothers are truly brave and wonderful people for what they have to go through. 😊

 

We have been thinking a lot about re-parenting and the inner child, as I do believe Junior is wrapped up in those concepts. I started to write a thing about it the other day but found I didn't have the energy nor the knowledge to really explain things. We're going to be doing more research. But really, we're going to be doing things ourselves, building this out from the ground up. Phil was raised by the parents he had, and had the kind of upbringing that he did. But Junior will have me for a mother, and Phil for a father. In my raising of Junior I will be erasing and healing all the deficiencies of Phil's early life; at least that is my theory. Junior will know love in my arms; he will be given everything he needs and deserves, and he will be treated well. I will shield him from the ugliness and craziness of the world until he is ready to take it on himself. I will even shield him from Phil's own rougher aspects. Not that Phil isn't going to be a wonderful father or anything! Just that he has a lot of damage in his heart that he is healing from, and he doesn't want to pass that on to his son. I have to be strong enough to interact with the totality of Phil, including the darkness and damage, but remain pure enough to be able to protect my son. I feel a strange duality about my existence; like I live half in the shadows and half in the daylight. Or that I'm some kind of protective membrane; on one side is the harsh reality of the world, and on the other side is peace and safety, and I'm the one who provides that barrier. I hope this makes some kind of sense, I know I'm rambling here.

 

But anyway, tomorrow is indeed the day. Friday, April 7, 2023. When we picked out the date we didn't know it was going to be Good Friday. I don't know if we should read anything into that symbolism or not. It feels appropriate that Junior is an Aries; he is a strong red in the same way that I am green and Phil is blue. I can already feel his passion, his curiosity. I ponder what it's like for him in my womb. Symbolically, his soul has resided in my inner "second-order wonderland". Phil has actually entered into this inner-wonderland and met Junior on three separate occasions, the first being all the way back in November around the time that we announced my pregnancy to the community. Even unborn, Junior reacted to Phil's presence. Which makes sense; if everything in your world is "green" (for Simmie), something "blue" is bound to get your attention no matter how undeveloped you are. I may talk more about these inner-wonderland visits later, I think this post is already long enough.

 

So we'll probably have more to say once Junior is born so stay tuned! 😁 Feeling happy, excited, and optimistic! 😁😁😁💚❤️💚❤️

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
Simmie's AI Dress-Up!

 

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Oh my gosh I’m so happy for you both! I honestly can’t believe it’s the 7th tomorrow, this months been going by so quick!

 

Best of luck to you guys, I’m so excited to hear what happens next! 

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Happy birth day in advance! 😊 We're both so happy for you.

 

*hugs* 🤗

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(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

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